Unhidden

by Robert Kandell

  At the investment firm where I worked, I had an acquaintance I’ll call Larry who heard I was a player and asked if we could play. I said a hearty yes and met him at the court the next day. As we played over the next hour, it became obvious that my skill was significantly superior to Larry’s. After the first two games, Larry had scored only a few points and I sensed that he was giving up. During a water break, I felt his frustration when he started to make excuses about having to leave soon. I quickly surmised that the fact that Larry wasn’t winning any points was a major issue for him and his ego was rising. He was about to end the match.

  When we went back onto the court, I promptly lost the third game. While I still continued to win points, I ensured that Larry won the majority, skillfully making it as though he was having me miss the shots. We continued to play for our full time on the court—five games—with Larry winning two of the last three games. As he was leaving, his cheeks were flushed and he had a wild look in his eye. He asked me if I wanted to play next week. I gave him a sweaty high five and said I would love to. The game would continue.

  If I went strictly by Dave’s definition, I would have been out of integrity with Larry. I basically lied, cajoled, and manipulated him to get what I wanted: to play racquetball. I probably fed his ego, over inflated his belief in his skill, and lied through the several months of our games together. However, the alternative was for me to play in my full power, win most of the points, and end the possibility of future games together during our first meeting. The games would have ended, along with my interactions with him.

  I want to be a man who, on his deathbed, remembers such moments of humility, humanness, and grace in my life. I enjoy winning as much as another man, but being kind—talking to Larry’s inner boy who just wanted to be special, in this example—holds more power than winning a match. We all have option to create win-win situations—infinite games—for people in our lives.

  What is Integrity and How do I Practice It?

  The answer, like most of life, is truly up to you.

  My definition of integrity is simple: Know who you are, broadcast it to those you want to know you, and practice what you preach. When your definition of your word changes, repeat this process of understanding it, integrating it internally, communicating the change, and then living from it. Integrity is not what society tells you to do but how you wish to truly live.

  I never promised Larry I would play my hardest to win. I promised him I would show up and play the game. In those games, it was actually harder for me to lose points than to win and not have him know. If Larry had been a more intimate friend than an acquaintance, then, at some point, I would have told him the truth about my playing strategy. As he remained an acquaintance who drifted away soon after we stopped meeting at the courts, there was no requirement for me to tell him the truth.

  Being in integrity means being your word with no excuses, no half-measures, and no dilution. It is feeling the power inside you to be yourself even in challenging situations. It’s being your word and saying yes when you mean it and no or maybe when you don’t. It means allowing your personal feelings to be valid and boundaries well-defined, important, and apparent. To be in integrity, one must be brutally honest, first with yourself and then with your relations. In my coaching business, most people I talk to are not in integrity with their life’s desires. We all make concessions and compromises to end up in situations that are far away from our integrity. I would recommend that if you are not happy with your job, relationships, or health, there is a call to be more in your integrity.

  Let’s revisit the viewpoint that self-esteem is built upon esteemable acts. In terms of building integrity, this is a crucial aspect. We all know, if we’re willing to confront it, when we’re heading out of integrity. When I want to lose weight, stopping for an old-fashioned glutinous, sugary, delicious chocolate donut is not the right direction. The desire to be integrous is truly a selfish act. For me, every time I go against my own wishes, it hurts on some level. I know that I will pay—physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually—for every diversion against my own honor. I know I sleep better when I have done the right thing for my own self-esteem.

  INTEGRATION

  This section refers to the process of taking the information in your brain and bringing it into your body as a form of practice. Only with integration can we retain the important lessons in life.

  19

  YOUR EXPANSION

  Surrender

  The word surrender has a deep connotation in the world, especially to men. How often were you taught by your high school coaches, movies, and friends that only the weak surrender? Do visions of a movie hero (Jean Van Damme’s No Retreat, No Surrender) arise in your mind? I teach a different form of surrender. This type of surrender shows strength, not weakness.

  My favorite metaphor is my experience of body surfing. As a child, I would tenuously go past the breakers—mindful of the undertow, swim out to a neutral spot, and tread water until I spied a perfect wave. I would then turn my body and use the power of the waves to propel me to the shore. When I hit the sand, I would laugh, brush off the wet sand, and head back out for another run.

  Now imagine the experience if you fought that wave. Instead of riding it, you would push against it and try to “beat” it. The ocean would laugh and keep on moving. If you surrender to the power of the ocean, you ride the wave. If you fight it, you could drown. Simple.

  It is powerful to surrender to your romantic partner. Imagine being caught in a tizzy of an argument. It seems that nothing you can say will end the negative feelings between the two of you. You’ve been standing against her, holding firm to your position, and refusing to surrender. In that moment, I would suggest looking at the cost of your choice. Surrender doesn’t have to mean admitting what you’re saying is wrong, but it does include validating her feelings, listening to what she is saying, and telling her, “I understand how that would have you feel.” Watch as her face first registers shock and then changes to a tender smile. Now lean in closer and ask for more information. Let yourself be informed by her hurt. I guarantee you that surrendering to her will be a lot more pleasurable than fighting her.

  An Example of Emotional Surrender

  Me: I’m sorry this hurt your feelings. It was never my intention to do that.

  Her: Okay (subdued voice and slight softening of her features)

  Me: I’m curious. Would you let me know how this affected you? What part of you is feeling hurt?

  Her: Well, when you raised your voice in that manner, it reminded me of the way my dad would yell at me.

  Me: Oh. I didn’t know that. And …

  I recommend including with this dialogue some physical connection. That might simply mean a softening of your own body posture. If you feel yourself rigid in any fashion, relax your body. Uncross your arms, let your shoulders lower, and unclench your hands. Look her directly in her eyes with a soft gaze and a warm smile. If you feel her nonverbal permission (or ask if you’re not absolutely sure), take her hands in yours and hold them. Both hands have more power than a single hand. Finally, you can pull her gently into an embrace and connect physically. When it feels right, give her room and start asking her interested questions (i.e., those that keep the attention on her) about her experiences with her dad. Take your time and be sure to keep eye contact and some form of physical contact.

  When she is done, acknowledge that you’ve heard her by reflecting back her experience: “Wow, I can really understand why your dad’s tirades would scare you. You were a small child and he must have towered over you. I would feel scared there as well.”

  When the conversation feels complete, make an authentic commitment to be mindful of this request. You don’t need to promise to never repeat the particular behavior, but you can say something like this: “I will endeavor not to do that again. I commit to being more conscious of my tone.”

  Then thank her deeply for her vulnerability and honesty. Reward her for her truth, a
cknowledge the power of your connection, and remind her you are her ally, not her enemy. This might be the first time a man has first validated her feelings, then been curious, and finally committed to change on something she’s wanted her entire life.

  This is the power of getting into agreement with a situation. The option of trying to overpower her feelings with your viewpoints is possible but ultimately exhausting and painful for her. I have learned the rewarding experience of saying to Morgan, “Wow, that must have hurt a lot!” It doesn’t invalidate my experience and gives a pathway of re-connecting with her.

  Power of Patience

  The shortest path between the present moment and getting into agreement is to practice patience. It is the bridge between this moment and the point of connection. I’ve noticed in people an extraordinary resistance to being patient. I believe people want what they want, right here, right now. We live in a society of instant gratification, and we often have a toxic need to have a better job, a better partner, more money for less work, and a houseful of attractive possessions.

  The evolutionary practice of patience entails standing straight, feeling your expansive nature, and recognizing that you are full. It’s saying to your partner, “No matter what you throw at me, I can be the one to say yes. I’m going to stay connected to you in this intensity we call love.”

  Take another breath and say, “Now, please show me all of you.”

  The antithesis of this, when I’m impatient, is that I’m actually inviting my partner to hide parts of herself. When you are impatient, you are saying this: “I don’t have the bandwidth to hold and feel all of you.” This is the path for sub-optimal relating. It’s not safe for her and it’s not fulfilling for you.

  The question then may arise: “How do I do this? I’m not a patient person!” Like all aspects of this book, I would recommend making it into a practice of learning patience. Say out loud: “Okay, I don’t feel patient here.”

  The next step is to look at the source of your agitation and say something like this: “I’m at a limit here. Please give me a few minutes. Let’s take a walk around the block together in silence and see if my patience increases.”

  Although they are simple, most of us will not take these steps. We would rather be comfortable in our anger and righteousness than admit that we’ve lost our patience. We would rather blame the other than take on the practice of admitting our human nature.

  I don’t agree with everything Morgan thinks, and I’m sure she’s not in agreement with everything I believe. However, it’s in rubbing up against each other where we get to know each other and see different parts of ourselves. The power of patience enables us to explore our shadowy parts. For me, I’m willing to admit I love the debate. Without patience, I would end the conversation before it starts and shut off access to the jewels before they arrive. I love digging in and seeing the micro parts of Morgan and myself. It enables me to love her even better.

  20

  EXERCISES FOR LIVING UNHIDDEN

  The Online unHIDDEN Portal

  To support you in succeeding in using this book to uplevel your life, I have created an online portal (http://unhidden.robertkandell.com) for you to complete the exercises recommended here. By participating in this free online profile, you can do and redo the exercises, review your progress, collect points, and share your results. If you would rather do the exercises on your laptop or via writing, you may also download worksheets.

  Exercise One: How do You Live?

  Please head over to the online portal and click on exercise one. You’ll find the quiz to do a self-analysis of how hidden you are in your life. I’ve created six levels, ranging from hidden to unHIDDEN. Take the quiz now and come back to see your scoring.

  Six Levels

  Locked: You are stuck in the basement of your soul. You spend your life keeping inside the shadows, working hard to make sure no one in the world knows you. There are probably are some childhood wounds that keep these thick walls around you. On one level, this is perfectly fine way to live, but if you want to feel the warmth and power of connection, there is a lot of work to be done.

  Secretive: You've learned how to live inside of your secrets and it's comfortable. But how comfortable? Like a spacious suit that is tailor made to let you flow or like a straight-jacket? Is it hard for you to trust? I appreciate that a slow, deliberate process is needed for you to feel free.

  Guarded: While you are not living in the shadows, you still tend to protect parts of yourself. They may be the parts you have judgments about. Or perhaps in the past people have hurt you because of your truth. I want to acknowledge that hurt but also remind you that you're the only person who is continuing to suffer from that past abuse. Take it slow, get some help, and unravel the ways you guard youself, because the power of living free and unHIDDEN is right around the corner, down the road, or over the hill and that's where your freedom lies. It is there. It is possible and you deserve it.

  Uncovered: You are straddling the middle line of being unHIDDEN with areas that are fully out there and others that are hidden behind some heavy solid doors. I salute that—I truly do—and I also want to keep reminding you that you can open those doors wider. Look at what you fear. Look at why you hesitate. I'm sure you have some really valid reasons, but are you acting from fear or desire? Use this book to begin locating your self-judgments and learning how you can fly to the next level. I know you can do it.

  Exposed: You live life with your heart on your sleeve, your mind available, and your soul wide open. There are places where you tend to guard and you've found that balance acceptable. You suspect there are deeper places to go and maybe even have some plans to open up some more. I say "Go for it! Be free!" and I also acknowledge your need to go at your pace. I am 100 percent in support of you and your process.

  Free: There is nothing holding you back from living exposed in the world. You are a free person, fully open, putting it out there, and not concerned about the judgements of others. I salute you and hope your courage is bringing you all the rewards you desire. I know how challenging it can be to live this exposed. Perhaps you've had some rough times because of your honesty. However, I suspect you are an inspiration for others in your life.

  Exercise Two: You’re a Good Man

  In an earlier section, I told the story of the Ignited Man exercise, where a student would stand in front of me and reflect back his belief that he was a good man (or not). In terms of exercises I’ve created, it was one of the simplest but most powerful. I have learned the truth in this statement: “Language creates reality and reality creates language.” I highly recommend you complete this exercise to create a foundation of self-love.

  Option A: Solo practice

  Stare at your own reflection. Feel the intensity of your gaze. Drop the smile, stop trying to avoid your own gaze, and just relax. When you are ready, speak the following statement: “, I am a good man.”

  Say it again. And again. Say it until you truly believe it. No shortcuts.

  Option B: With a friend

  Let’s assume that your friend plays the instructor role first. He will say simply: “, you are a good man.”

  You play the student. “Yes, , I am a good man.”

  The instructor—your friend—will complete the cycle until he feels that you actually believe what you are saying. You can tell for yourself when you believe it by the feeling in your body.

  Reverse roles. Don’t overcomplicate this exercise or torture your friend for fun. When you feel the zing of his belief, say it out loud.

  If you do not truly believe you are good man, you may feel incomplete with this exercise. If that is the case, I would then ask you to reframe any shame or doubt and celebrate your heroic attempt at this challenging exercise. Take a break, do some more reading, and come back to it.

  One of my teachers liked to say, “You can’t go from bad to better. You can only go from bad to good and then from g
ood to better.” Let’s start with the premise that you are starting at good and that working on yourself will make you better. For example, if you moved through this exercise with ease, you already recognize your level of good. If you had trouble completing it, it would be understandable for you to label yourself as bad. However, I recommend you reframe your current level as good simply because you made a valiant attempt. From this level of good, you can try again later and move towards better.

  Exercise 3: Your Inventory of Self-Judgment

  Because we live in a society of disapproval, it may seem normal to have a loud, self-critical voice in our head all the time. I used to have one and it ran my life. No matter how hard I tried, I could never seem to stop hearing all the things I was doing wrong even at my points of highest achievements. I was then gifted with the following exercise about how to know where these voices came from. I threw myself diligently into doing it. When I was done, I had listed more than 300 judgments and had written over 200 pages of notes. Yikes! Then, I did the exercise a second time. My point is this: To move away from your self-judgments, you must confront them. I highly recommend you work on your inventory and allocate many hours to it. I know it can change your life because it changed mine.

  Self-judgment

  How it affects me

  Its origins