I Pick You

by Jettie Woodruff

  “I get it, believe me, I get it. I feel like that every time I see a guy talk to you, but you have nothing to worry about. I’m sorry that happened.”

  “Yeah, that was awkward, and guess who I want to be mad at? I want to be mad at Bay, but I can’t. She’s only crying for what her instincts tell her she needs. Her mommy and daddy, not Dell and Daddy.”

  “Babe, stop. She’s leaving in a few hours, and we’ll be back to us. Come on. It’s Bay’s birthday.”

  Rydell bounced her head off my chest with a deep breath. “The things I do for you. I’m really not like this. You know I don’t do the jealousy thing.”

  I kissed the top of her head, relieved once again for the save. “Yes, I know, but even if you did, you don’t have anything to worry about.”

  “I still think you’re a big dumb idiot.”

  I swatted Rydell on the ass and moved her back into the party, to Bay opening her gifts in the middle of the table. I should have stayed put. I shouldn’t have gone after her. I should have let Bridgett do it, or my mom, but no, dumb me waited a couple minutes, then followed Kit to the kitchen. She wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Something was up, and like an idiot, I took it upon myself to play detective.

  Kit had her face hid in the refrigerator, acknowledging me without turning around. “That’s Bay’s little friend, isn’t it? Dale isn’t a little boy from school, is he? Dale is Dell. Rydell is her friend she’s always talking about. Tell me I’m right, Brantley?”

  I walked toward her and turned her by her shoulders. “Yes, Kit, she is.”

  “I didn’t expect this to be so hard. This fucking sucks. Why didn’t you tell me, Brantley? You let me think all these months you were different, you weren’t that guy. I’m so stupid. I’m a million miles away, having what I thought was a relationship with you, getting to know you, talking about our days, our childhoods. It all makes so much sense now. You didn’t want to know me. Not this me. Why didn’t you know I lived in the back of an old movie theater? Because you didn’t want to. You were afraid of loving me back, weren’t you Brantley?”

  “Yes, Kit. Yes, I was, and you weren’t a mistake. Don’t ever think you were a mistake.”

  I didn’t realize how close I was to her until she looked over my shoulder. I didn’t even have to look. I already knew.

  “Ry.”

  “Fuck. Really?”

  Those were the only two words out of her mouth. Rydell’s face was white as a ghost. Deathly white. She turned on her heels and walked out the front door. Kit moved around me and went back to Bay. I stood there with no idea which way to go. After Rydell or back to my baby’s party. Now I was gutted. The real kind this time.

  Like my drive home from Kit’s, the rest of Bay’s party was somewhat of a blur. The tension was thicker than air, and everyone there sensed it, even the mommies of Bay’s little friends. Wendi being loyal to Rydell, left, threatening me with a knee as she passed. I grabbed my crotch and grunted with the fake threat, eyes shooting me with sharp knives as she walked out the door.

  The rest of the party broke up shortly after, all eyes telling me what a piece of shit I was.

  “Wow, and here I thought my life was the only crazy one on this block.”

  I looked to Gabriella on my left, letting her know with my eyes she had no clue. “If you only knew.”

  “Well, I sort of do. You’re in love with two women.”

  My head shook from side to side, wondering how the hell that even happened. Guys like me didn’t fall in love with one girl, let alone three.

  I was left alone to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Kit went to bathe Bay, Bridgett was busy getting things ready to catch a flight, and my mom helped me.

  “I know you don’t really care to hear what I have to say, but this will pass, Brantley. It’s part of growing up. You’re doing amazing and I am so proud of you.”

  “Yeah? So, it’s just perfectly normal to feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest, knowing how much Rydell is hurting right now? And it’s all a part of growing up, right? I’m dying inside because I have to let Kit get on that plane without telling her I do love her. It’s an adult thing that Rydell now thinks she was nothing but a time waster to me after I promised she wasn’t? I’m supposed to think this will all just blow over, and Kit will move on to someone else when I don’t fucking want her to?”

  My mom gave me a condescending look with raised eyebrows, and spouted stupid shit that made sense. “You realizing what you’ve done is the growing up part. Sounds to me like you have a decision to make, and I promise to respect whatever you decide.”

  “Decision? I don’t have a decision; they both hate me.”

  “Mavis, Daddy?”

  I picked Bay up from the floor and kissed her wet hair. “She was in the living room, climbing the curtain. Let’s go see if we can find her.”

  I did try to talk to Kit again when she cried like a baby, leaving Bay again. She pushed me away and sought out comfort in my mom. Of all the stories to tell her, she chose the one where she left Bridgett and me for prison. I thought it was utterly ridiculous, but Kit seemed to get it. I tried to talk to her again when she closed the door behind sleeping Bay.

  “Kit, I don’t want you to leave upset like this.”

  She gave me a look like I was silly or something, her head jerking back with a quick rush of air. “Yeah, I’m not upset over you. Bay is the only one who has that power. Not you. Take care of her. I’ll call as soon as I’m settled back in.”

  One last attempt at something I couldn’t fix. “Kit.”

  Nothing. Kit walked away from me to the awaiting cab with my mom and Bridgett, only she didn’t give me a hug like they did. She didn’t even look at me.

  “I love you even if you are a big dumb idiot.”

  I hugged Bridgett back, watching Kit climb into the back seat. “I don’t deserve your love.”

  “Yes, you do. You’re just really stupid sometimes. I’ll call you later.”

  “See ya, Bridge.”

  I even hugged my mother back, and as messed up as it was, it was a little comforting.

  “We all do stupid things, Brantley. Learning from them is the journey. They make us who we are and encourage us to be better people. This is all going to pass. I promise.”

  I shrugged and pulled away, my hands sliding inside my pockets. “I guess you would know.”

  “Tell my grandbaby I love her.”

  “I will. Text me when you make it home.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Monday morning was the worst day of my life. Another sleepless night in fear of going there - to the school where I would be chewed up into tiny pieces and spit to the ground like a spitball. I wanted to skip school more today than I ever did as a kid. How would I ever face her? Wendi, Jonas, any of them? And Bay. My God. I didn’t need a tantrum. Of all days. Of course she half slept in my lap while I fed her oatmeal and toast, and then threw one hell of a fit because she couldn’t take Mavis to school. She was still going at it when we parked in front of the church.

  Sister Dawn calmed her down and I walked away with a quick kiss, toward my own school where I expected to be pulverized.

  “Your class has confession on Wednesday,” Father Don announced from his desk as I passed his office, still hearing Bay whine about Mavis from down the hall.

  I stuck my head in his door and assured him I hadn’t forgotten. “Yeah, I know. We’ll be here.”

  “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whosoever confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”

  “Um, okay.”

  Father Don laced his fingers as if he was about to pray and tilted his head, a soft expression covering his face. “My door is always open, Mr. Jandt. We as men have many temptations, and sometimes we fall. It’s called sin. We all do it. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

  I looked at him like he had just said the most ri
diculous thing to me he could have said. “So, you’re telling me this God hands me sin, tells me it’s there, but I can’t use it? We’re offered the sin, but punished for taking it? That makes no sense to me.”

  “Daniel 4:27. Therefore, Your Majesty, be pleased to accept my advice: Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue."

  “Yeah, that makes no sense to me, either. I don’t deserve to prosper. Thanks for the chat.” I said with raised eyebrows, not even trying to understand this righteous bullshit. You give a guy two beautiful girls, the guy is going to take them. He may be stupid for falling in love with them, but he’s going to take them.

  I parked in the back parking lot, ignoring a glare from Mr. Sloan. I didn’t even talk to that guy.

  Rydell stood in her rightful position, directing cars out of the parking lot. Knowing it was pointless, I didn’t even bother trying to explain myself. I walked to the other end, trying to un-see her red, puffy eyes to get to my own post, moving idiots through the line with little emotion.

  Gabriella Pierce was the only person who even bothered to understand. I bent my knees when she pulled to the side, her troops leaving the car, one by one. “You okay?”

  “Yup, terrific, how about you?”

  “Better than you, I’m sure. Hang in there. It’ll get better. Believe me, I know.”

  “Yeah, sure whatever,” I said, in an unbelieving tone. Why would they get better? I got exactly what I had coming to me.

  I swear every single teacher knew what a snake I was. Wendi looked at me the way she did the first day she met me, Mrs. Day rolled her eyes, her head moving from side to side in disappointment when I passed her, and Jonas pretended to spit on me from across the courtyard. At least my class still loved me, sort of. My flat enthusiasm did little to motivate them, and art…That was a killer. This was the time I was supposed to be next door, flirting with my Florida cowgirl. She hated me and she should.

  “I need to ask a couple questions, Brantley. Mostly for me. Not you.”

  My space staring was interrupted by Rydell. I sat from my slump and gave her my undivided attention, promising to tell the truth. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  She blew out a quick puff of air and shook her head. “I’m not your baby for one, and two, I would appreciate that. For once, tell me the truth.”

  “Okay.”

  “When did you sleep with her? The last time.”

  “Friday night.”

  “So you didn’t get a hotel? You stayed at her house? Why did you ask me to go then?”

  “I would have gotten a hotel if you were with me.”

  “Oh, so it’s my fault.”

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that. It just happened, Rydell. It wasn’t planned.”

  “Yeah, it never is, is it? And the time before that? When was that, Brantley? It wasn’t the weekend you knocked her up, was it?”

  I swallowed a dry lump and did what Father Don told me to do. I confessed. “No.”

  “When?”

  “The weekend she brought Bay, but we weren’t together then.”

  “But you lied about it.”

  “Yes,” I admitted, my head dropping to my lap.

  “That fucking hurts, Brantley. It sucks. I gave you all of me. Against everything I believed in, I let you in, but you know what really hurts?”

  I didn’t answer with words. None were needed. I only looked at her, wishing like hell I could go to her, wrap her in my arms, and kiss away the tears.

  “You love her. I can’t believe you let me come there, knowing you were in love with her. Don’t you think I sensed it? Everyone did, but even after your lovely birthday song, and Wendi trying to tell me something wasn’t right, I ignored it. Do you know why, Brantley? Because I knew we had something, I knew you would never, ever do that to me, and hearing you tell her she wasn’t a mistake. Fuck. Fuck you, Brantley Jandt. I hate you.”

  “Rydell,” I said in a desperate tone, coming to my feet.

  She took a step back and pointed a straight finger to my face. “Don’t touch me, don’t you ever touch me again, and stay the fuck out of my bar.”

  “Okay, but for what’s it’s worth.”

  “It’s not worth a goddamn penny. Nothing you say is worth anything to me.”

  With that, the door slammed between us, and I finished my sentence to the empty class. “I do love you.”

  I felt like the new kid in school, the one everyone shunned and talked about. Everyone but Crystal Cantral, that is. She walked behind me while I sat in the teacher’s lounge with a cup of coffee, her hand sliding down my chest.

  “You should have stuck with me, I’m just like you. Don’t fall in love with them, you stupid, stupid, boy.”

  I removed her hand from my chest and looked at her through narrowed eyes. “I’m nothing like you.”

  “You’re exactly like me. You cheated because you’re not that guy. Guys like you will never be happy with one girl. You lied because you wanted to, you cheated because you wanted to, and you’re sorry because you got caught.”

  I sidestepped Crystal while letting her words sink in, wondering how long I would have let it carry on had neither of them found out. She was right about one thing, I wasn’t meant to love one woman. I never was, and I swore on my life at that very moment I would never, ever try it again. One girl would have my heart and no one else. Bay. That’s it. Just Bay.

  Kit pretty much gave me the same treatment as everyone else later on that night. She talked to Bay and hung up. Not one word to me. As soon as Bay was off the bed, running after Mavis, Kit closed her laptop.

  And so it became my life. I spent my days teaching second-graders while being ignored by my peers, I came home and got ignored by Kit, and I got up and did it again the next day. A sadness I hadn’t felt in forever burned inside my chest, and I didn’t know who it burned for. Not that it mattered, neither one of them would have pissed on me if I was on fire in front of them. I tried to get Bridgett to come visit, but she was too busy with work. I thought about asking my mom, but decided against that, too. I talked to her more, but I didn’t know if I was ready to be that involved in her life yet.

  One thing was for sure, I could love harder, and Bay showed me that. All of our alone time resulted in a deeper relationship, one I knew no one could ever take away. I got to know the Pierce family a little more and even kept all three of their monsters one night for their anniversary. Gabriella offered to do the same for me several times, but I declined. I didn’t really have anywhere to go or anyone to do it with. I did let her babysit while I took on a second job. I overheard Paxton on the phone one evening while I had a couple beers over at their place. He needed to get a Saturday crew together for a busy month. I jumped on it and he was elated for the extra help. Although he paid rather well, I didn’t do it for the money. I did it for the time it took away from my mind. Believe it or not, physical labor helped a lot, and I learned a few things I had never taken the time to learn. If I ever did buy my own house, I would know how to build a deck, a pool, and create beautiful landscaping. Maybe I would give up teaching and start a business like Paxton.

  Whatever my destiny had in store for me, one thing was true. As hard as it was for me to see Rydell day after day after day, hear Kit’s voice, night after night after night, time didn’t stop. Life kept going, and every day got a little easier. I wasn’t sure what I would do once Kit came home, but I knew I wouldn’t be buying my cousin’s house. Maybe I would go back to my roots, where I promised myself I would never live again. Nah, I wasn’t about to go back to Michigan. I presumed I would end up back in Nashville, singing in bars and on street corners. That seemed to be when I was at my happiest. Or was it?

  I made it through January, survived February, and March and found May staring me right in the face. Just me and Bay. Whatever lesson I needed to learn from that mess, I knew it would neve
r happen again. I wouldn’t let it. Bay was much safer, and she was all I needed. We spent a lot of time on the beach, and in the pool once the air warmed to that hot Florida heat. That’s when my mother came for a visit. Just her, me, and Bay.

  It was nice having her there for Bay in the mornings. Leaving her asleep in her bed was much easier thandragging her comatose body out of bed. Even Mrs. Day commented on my early arrival that week. Bay was a lot of work, and my mother spoiled us both rotten. I came home to a clean house, no dishes, and supper every night. Believe it or not, it was a welcome change, and I was glad she was there. Who would have ever thought? We talked about things, too. About my father leaving us for another woman. She was pregnant with twins, or so my mother’s story went anyway.

  School was tough, especially those first couple of months. Rydell didn’t look at me like she used to, Wendi flipped me off every chance she got, and the only people on my side were little people. They got me through the days there and Bay got me through my nights. Day by day, week by week, I did it all on my own. Just me and my little cowgirl.

  Bay talked to her mom, and Kit talked to her, just like Bay did with Rydell. The days turned to months, doing little for our nonexistent relationship. I knew Bridgett talked to her, and once in a while I would ask how she was, but I mostly refrained from that, too. It was better this way. Guys like me are hard to hold. Even I knew that.

  Bay and I drove my mom to the airport Thursday night, promising to come for a visit as soon as school was out in the middle of June. I did sort of want to visit. I could do a weekend or two here and there, and Bridgett had just bought her first house. I did want to see it. I was proud of her. I should go see her house.

  “I love you so much, Bay Berry.”

  “I comin, too, gamal.”

  “No, baby. You can’t come this time. You and Daddy are going to come pretty soon, okay? Grandma will send you something in the mail.”