Kiss the Stars

by Jackson, A. L.

“How are you doing?” Tamar asked softly.

  I sniffled. No use in pretending I hadn’t been shattered in two. “Terrible. How are the kids?”

  “Fine. They’re watching a movie with Brendon and Adia, so I thought I would come and check on you. Did you sleep at all last night?”

  I rolled a fraction, just enough so I could peek up at her through the mane that covered my face like a black mourning veil.

  But that’s what this felt like.

  Like some piece of myself that had just come to life had died.

  “Not really.”

  Sadness slipped from between her pursed lips. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Mia. The last thing I’d expected was for him to leave like that once the album was finished.”

  Grief-stricken, I shook my head against the pillow. “Maybe I was the fool for believing that he wouldn’t.”

  She hummed a disconcerted sound and kept playing with a lock of my hair. “I think he’s scared. Scared out of his mind with what he feels for you.”

  I hugged myself tighter, guarding against the downpour of agony. “He’s a coward. I mean . . . he . . . he couldn’t handle my daughter talking to her dad?” I frantically blinked through the assertion.

  Unable to make sense of it.

  I kept rummaging around in the rubble like I could find an acceptable reason.

  But there was no excuse for him leaving like this.

  “He should have at least talked to me. Told me his fears. If he had to go, if he couldn’t face them in order to be with us, then I would have understood. It would have broken me, but I would have let him go. But for him to leave while my daughter was waiting for him to take her for pizza? That’s unforgiveable.”

  A disorder billowed.

  The rumble of a quiet, building storm.

  Something was off.

  So off.

  Tamar’s words were soft. “Sometimes people never learn to see through their own darkness.”

  The knot in my throat wobbled, nothing but a ball of crushed up, broken glass, and through bleary eyes, I stared up at her.

  “I wanted him to. I wanted him to find that in me. In us. So badly.” The confession scraped from the wounds he’d left written on me. Bleeding and raw. “He suffers so terribly, and I know he’s turning away from the hope of joy for fear of suffering it all over again. I’m not sure he knows anything but grief.”

  And there was the truth.

  This man’s pain greater than any person should endure.

  “You saw the goodness in him, Mia. Your heart recognized what was hidden deep. But maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he’s not ready for the amazing things that the three of you are, and he’s afraid of spoiling what you already have.”

  A grumble rolled from the other side of the room, and I peeked over through my mess of hair to see my brother toiling in the doorway.

  “Mia . . .” Lyrik seemed to hesitate. “Need you to know something,” he grumbled low.

  My entire being flinched. I wasn’t sure I could handle him telling me something horrible about Leif right then.

  He eased into my room, ominous and powerful the way that he always was. “Know this is going to sound like I’m sticking up for him, but I think you should know that I talked to him after we wrapped the album yesterday afternoon.”

  My heart shivered.

  Defenseless.

  Terrified to listen but starving for any word.

  Slowly, I forced myself to turn, to sit up, to face my brother and whatever he had to say.

  “He was gettin’ ready to leave the studio. Could tell he couldn’t wait to get back to you. Ash was giving him shit about it, and he didn’t even try to deny it. I followed him upstairs, asked him his intentions.”

  Sorrow lapped.

  Why?

  Why would he just leave me, then?

  Lyrik wet his lips in agitation.

  Misery moaned within me when he continued, “He told me straight up that he was in love with you, Mia. That the two of you were goin’ to figure out how to make this thing work. Admitted it was going to be hard, but acknowledged you were worth it.”

  In his own helpless confusion, he hiked his shoulders while I choked over the sob that his words wrung out of me.

  “Have to say, after talking to him, he didn’t strike me as the guy who was just gonna bail.” It felt like maybe his words were issued with some kind of warning.

  I licked my dried, cracked lips. “He said it was time for him to go. That it didn’t matter how much he loved me, he could never keep me.”

  Each word was lined with despair.

  Lyrik scoffed a rough sound. “Yeah, well I’d buy the idea that he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of you. But the fact he took off because Penny was talkin’ to Nix? Pretty sure the guy didn’t figure out just last night that you have a baby daddy.”

  I fumbled over a shaky nod.

  My stomach sick.

  Nausea fierce.

  Agony prowled my throat, so thick it choked me, and I was sure I was going to vomit.

  No longer able to contain it.

  To keep it inside.

  I swallowed over the thick knot. “Something happened. Something bigger than I understand.”

  I knew it.

  I felt it deep.

  Throbbing wild and desperately.

  “Maybe give him some time,” Lyrik broached, a slow suggestion that threatened to wrap me in chains I could never be released from.

  Sadness pilfered out on a surrendered sigh. “I can’t have a man coming in and out of our lives when he pleases, Lyrik.”

  My brother’s smile was grim. “Doubt he’s very pleased right now, Mia.”

  I was pierced with an arrow of sorrow.

  One in the perfect shape of Leif.

  There was no question he was out there suffering even more than he had been before.

  Tamar rubbed my arm, forcing her voice into some brightness that there was no chance I could feel. “Why don’t you get in the shower and come and get something to eat?”

  I started to nod, only to go still when I heard Penny’s voice echoing down the hall. “Mom! Dad’s here! Dad’s here!”

  Her voice was excited while my spirit stumbled through the dread.

  Through the anger I felt that he seemed to be the catalyst that had sent Leif running.

  It wasn’t his fault.

  Logically, I knew that. But I couldn’t help the blame.

  Gloom covering me like a dark, black shroud.

  A shiver of disgust rolled.

  Tamar edged off the bed and spun in the direction of the door. “What is he doing here?”

  I shook my head. “Probably jealous I had a man here.”

  “God. I can’t stand him.” She let it hiss from below her breath. I wasn’t even sure if she was directing it at me.

  I guessed it was the first time I realized that neither could I.

  Wholly.

  Truly.

  The man a mistake who had given me my greatest joy.

  Because my pulse spiked, shivered, and slowed.

  A wary thud pulsing in my chest.

  Lyrik pushed from the wall with a heavy exhale from his nose. A bull getting ready to charge. He’d never exactly been a Nixon fan.

  But none of it changed the fact that he was my children’s father.

  I scrubbed my palms over my face in an attempt to break up the disorder. To paste on something that bore a semblance of normal.

  “Mom! Mom!”

  The door banged open to the main room.

  “Dad’s here!”

  Lyrik looked at me, jaw hard. “Your call, Mia.”

  His hands clenched into fists. No doubt, he would gladly toss Nixon’s ass to the curb.

  I shook my head. “It’s fine.”

  It wasn’t though.

  Because I grimaced when my bedroom door flung open and Penny raced in.

  Nixon followed her in, carrying Greyson.

  Greyson who squ
irmed and whined in confusion, stretching his whole body for me when he saw me. “Mommy! I get you!”

  I forced myself out of the bed and to standing, hating that I was wearing a tank and short sleep shorts.

  I met Nixon’s glare, his want, his questions. Drudging through the force of them, I edged by Tamar who stood rigid so I could take Greyson from him. The second I had him in my arms, Greyson clung to my neck, staring out, like he’d forgotten who Nixon was.

  And maybe that was my fault.

  Taking them away.

  But it felt right.

  Affirmed by the cruel stare that pinned me to the spot.

  Tension filled the air.

  Tight and dense and suffocating.

  Something ugly and wrong that made me want to crawl out of my skin.

  “Nixon,” I said, dipping my chin. I couldn’t even begin to hide my annoyance that he’d just shown up here.

  I felt terrible that the smile slipped off Penny’s face, my sweet girl uneasily looking between us, but I couldn’t find it in myself to fake it.

  “Mia.” This from Lyrik who raged by the wall.

  I didn’t look at him, just muttered, “It’s fine, Lyrik. You should probably give us a minute to talk.”

  I could feel the animosity coming off of my brother, the silent threat he emitted. Nixon just stared him down. Both of them volatile. Prone to violence.

  “Do you want me to take the kids?” Tamar offered from right behind me.

  “Yeah.”

  Nixon grunted. “Leave my kids here.”

  Lyrik took a step forward.

  I put out my hand. “It’s fine. Just go.”

  I could sense Tamar nod, her wariness, the little shock of vicious that she was radiating from her body as she wound passed, Lyrik hesitating, before he finally gave.

  At least I knew I would always have them to take up my side.

  The four of us were frozen in this lock-down until Lyrik and Tamar’s footsteps retreated, both doors clicking shut.

  I glanced at my daughter. “Penny, please take Greyson into the next room.”

  She seemed unsure, questioning it all, but she took Greyson from my arms. “Thank you, sweet girl.”

  She nodded, looking back once, before she stepped into the other room and closed the door.

  “What are you doing here?” I demanded as soon as they were out of earshot.

  The second I said it, Nixon let go of the anger he’d been restraining. “I told you I was coming to take you and my kids home.”

  I was struck with a bluster of rage. Something old. Something I’d tried to keep covered for the sake of my children. “And I think you should know by now that you don’t have a say about what I do.”

  He angled forward. His ice-blue eyes hard, all the sharp, cut angles of his face harsh. “Well, I think I have a say in where my kids are living and who they are hanging around, don’t you? Where is he?”

  “Not here.” I wasn’t about to honor him with the details.

  “Stay away from him, Mia. I’m warning you.”

  I could feel the force of the grief twisting my face. “That’s what this is about? That’s why you showed up here? Because I’m with someone else? Because I fell in love with someone else?” I spat the words. Knowing they were daggers.

  I didn’t care.

  He didn’t get to do this.

  Fury blistered across his face, and he released a cruel bout of laughter. “You think you love him? You don’t even know him.”

  I scoffed. Disgusted. Wondering how I’d ever let this jerk touch me. “You don’t know anything about me, Nixon. Know nothing. You know nothing of what I feel or what I want or who I know. And you don’t get to come barging in here pretending like you do.”

  “He’s dangerous, Mia.”

  My face pinched. “What are you talking about?”

  A disturbance rising up. A flicker of awareness that sent worry flooding through my senses.

  Contempt rolled from his tongue. “Leif and I? We go way back. Asshole hates me, and the only reason he is here is to get back at me.”

  Shock rocked me to the soul.

  An earthquake.

  A fault line that split me in two.

  “What did you just say?” I tried to make the words sound defiant, but they trembled in my throat.

  Aftershocks.

  He knew Leif?

  That couldn’t . . . that couldn’t be possible.

  No.

  “I said he’s dangerous, Mia, and you and the kids are coming with me.”

  Dizziness spun, and the nausea I’d been fighting all day hit me hard. I ran into the bathroom.

  Dropped to my knees.

  Purged the pain.

  I clung to the edge of the toilet, trying to see through the tears that rushed down my face and blurred my sight.

  Leif knew Nixon.

  Leif knew Nixon.

  Oh God.

  Why . . . why would he do this to me? Why would he come here and rip me apart?

  I will ruin you.

  I will ruin you.

  Is that what he meant? Had he done this on purpose? Cruel and unjust.

  No. There was no way. He’d pushed me away a thousand times. But our connection had been too great. The man my gravity.

  There was no faking that.

  My mind spun, back to what Penny had said. The worry she’d worn when she’d explained Leif’s reaction to Nixon.

  They knew each other.

  They did.

  That’s what had sent Leif running.

  I moaned through the agony, and I could hear Nix in the other room, telling Penny to get her things.

  Greyson was whimpering. Crying for me.

  I had to get it together. Understand what Nixon meant. I refused to believe it—that Leif was actually dangerous.

  That he would hurt us.

  Leif’s voice spun.

  But the rest of who I was? He was a bad guy. He did horrible, bad things.”

  “Just because I didn’t pull the trigger doesn’t mean I wasn’t responsible. Doesn’t mean I’m not the devil.”

  I puked some more. Unable to keep it down. To stop this eruption of grief. The poison that roiled inside of me.

  The bathroom door banged open. Nix was there, a backpack on his shoulder. “Let’s go.”

  “Nix, I—”

  “Get up, Mia. We don’t have time for this.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ll tell you in the car.”

  My mind raced, head spinning, disoriented. My hand shot out to the wall to keep me steady.

  Everything weak.

  Everything wrong.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you. Tell me what’s going on. I want to know what you mean. How do you know Leif?”

  His rage crashed through the tiny room, and he was in my face. “I’m leaving right now, with my kids. Are you coming with me or not?”

  He turned around and walked out the door, picking up Greyson who’d been coming my way, my son crying and crying. I was right behind him, grabbing at his shirt. “Put him down. You aren’t taking him anywhere.”

  “Watch me, Mia.”

  I stumbled out into the main room, and Penny was there, her backpack on her shoulders. Confusion and fear in her eyes.

  “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?” she asked, pushed up to the wall, trust wiped from her face.

  He stretched his free hand toward her. “To get ice cream. You guys can play while me and your mom talk.”

  Greyson stopped crying at that. “Owkay.”

  God.

  This was a disaster. A complete wreck.

  “Just, come on, Mia. Put some shoes on. I just need to talk to you. That’s it. I told you I would always do everything to protect you. I’ve been here. Fighting for you. You aren’t going to trust me now? After that twisted fuck came here and messed with your head?”

  I wanted to scream at him for talking like that in front
of our kids.

  Scream at him not to speak such blasphemy.

  Beg him to take it back.

  Make it untrue.

  I needed answers.

  A reason.

  Nixon was the only one who could give them to me.

  “Fine. We can go let the kids play and we’ll talk. But that’s it. I’m not ready to leave Savannah. Give me a minute to change.”

  I went back into my room, changed into jeans and a tee, and rinsed my mouth with mouthwash, tried to remain upright.

  Not to go dropping back to my knees.

  This pain too real.

  Too intense.

  I thought I could handle it. The scars Leif would leave behind. But I wasn’t so sure of that, anymore.

  I came back out, and Nixon went out the main door and turned to the right.

  I gestured to the hall down the left. “I need to tell Tamar and Lyrik what’s going on.”

  “You can text them from the car.”

  “Nixon.”

  He didn’t even listen. The man on some kind of mission that I didn’t want to be a part of.

  Frustrated, I followed him out, and I texted my brother after I got into the rental SUV that he’d parked at the back street. For a moment, I questioned if I was being unreasonable, this anger I held, when I saw he’d thought far enough ahead to have a car seat in place for Greyson.

  His son.

  I glanced at him, at the rigid clutch of his jaw, and I tried to find that balance. That respect I’d had for him. For the fact he’d always tried to be here the best that he could be.

  He pulled the car out onto the street, followed the directions I gave him for the fast food place that had a playground that the kids liked, while I tried to come to terms.

  To remember this wasn’t just about me.

  My children were the most important.

  I had to put them first.

  “Take a left up here,” I told him, except he was accelerating. Glancing in his rear-view mirror. He made a sharp right, and then a quick left.

  Frantic, he made another, our speed increasing with each second.

  My lungs squeezed, and I jerked to look out the side-mirror. A white car was behind us, weaving side to side. Trying to get to the side to box us in.

  And the dread I’d been feeling all day spread and compounded. Became a horror that completely closed off my throat.

  I pressed myself to the door and looked over at Nixon.

  In disbelief and a plea. “What’s happening?”

  His teeth ground, his hands blanched on the steering wheel. “Fucked up, Mia. I fucked up. He was coming for you. I had to get you out of there.”