“Do you believe me though?”
“I want to.”
“Then I still have a shot.”
Her lips twitch into a smile and she pulls in a parking space. “I am going to miss this hot ass car.”
“Is that all you’ll miss?”
“Killian…you know I am going to miss you.”
We exit the car, and I take her hand in mine wishing this could last forever. “You gonna be riding a moped over there?”
“Maybe.”
“Think your ugly as sin leggings will be all the rage?”
“Shut up. My leggings aren’t ugly.”
“God, you’ll probably fit right in and be the sexiest dork to ever drive a scooter. Them French boys don’t stand a chance. You’ll meet some dude who talks in a sexy accent and forget all about me.”
“Ha. Ha.” She drops my hand to get a cart. I watch her every movement and hang on her every word knowing that these last moments with her are precious. It’s a gift that I don’t want to waste.
We make our rounds in the store getting all the ingredients listed on some recipe website she swears by. “What about dessert?”
“You pick since the pizza is what I want.”
I grab her face in the middle of the frozen food aisle. “I want you.” Her lips part, and I press my mouth to hers before she can protest. I thrust my tongue between her lips needing to taste her. Needing to remind her how good we are together.
“Shameful,” an old woman crows at us.
We break apart and Liri giggles. Fuck, I am going to miss that sound. I don’t know how I am going to do this. How can I give her up? “You think we could video chat?”
“What?”
“When you go to Paris.”
“I don’t know. Maybe if we can work out the time difference.” Something passes behind her eyes that I can’t read, but I don’t press it. I don’t want to fight. I want to make this night the best she’s ever had.
We get to the checkout and Liri turns to me. “You didn’t get dessert?”
I pinch her ass. “Yeah I did, but I can’t find your sticker.”
“Oh. Whatever. You’re going to be craving something sweet later.”
“I’m craving you.” I grin and load our items to the checkout.
“Okay, horndog.”
“Don’t start with that lame shit again.”
“Pfft. You like it.”
“I like anything coming from you.”
“Okay, Killian. You can stop laying it on thick now. You know I’m a sure thing. I never can tell you no.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I swipe my keys from her after I pay. “I’m driving.”
“Fine.”
I load the groceries in the back, and I get choked up. Every second closer we get to the apartment is one second I’m closer to losing her.
“Hey.” Liri grabs my hand. “You know you’re probably not even going to miss me.”
“I’ll miss you every second of every day until I get you back.” I feel like a pussy when tears race down my cheeks.
“Hey, I thought I was the cry baby in this relationship,” she teases and wipes at my face with her dainty fingers. I bring them to my mouth and kiss the tips.
“I don’t know how I can watch you walk away.” If there was ever a time for honesty, it’s in the moment a man is about to lose it all.
“Don’t be sad. You’re going to be so busy hanging out with your nieces and your dad. Your brother and your Mom. I’m sure you and Liam will be racing.”
“Fuck Liam.”
“He fucked up, but he’s still your friend. He’s sorry for what happened.”
“Yeah. He’s the best.” I scowl. “You can forgive him but not me.”
“That’s not fair. Let’s not make today about all that stuff.”
“Okay.”
“We better get this food back to your place.”
It’ll always be ours to me.
Back at the apartment we’ve managed to get the pizza in the oven, and Liri is on the couch flipping through channels searching for us a movie. I sink down next to her and pull her into my lap. “Can we just skip the movie and go straight to dessert?” I nuzzle under her neck, and her fingers strum through my hair lazily.
“Don’t be greedy.” Her lips find mine. Soft and full of love, the kiss is slow, deep, and sensual. Rubbing my fingers over her breasts, I know I need to slow down and enjoy what’s she’s giving me—a real goodbye. I know it’s not a second chance, but my heart won’t accept that. I’m not ready to give her up, but I know I can’t keep her. I don’t deserve to. She’s way too good for me, but I’m selfish enough to keep taking anything she’ll give me.
Breaking away, I glance around the apartment, and my heart sinks. All of her stuff is gone other than what she left in the bathroom. “I smell the bottom of the pizza.”
“I’ll check it.” she pops up from my lap, and I peek at the screen.
“This is what you want to watch?” I chuckle.
“Mhmm.” She nods, and I try to stop focusing on the fact that she’s going to be going halfway across the world, but its damn hard.
“What are you doing for Christmas?”
“I have plans with my family.”
“Oh. Yeah?”
“Mom and I are going to Paris to hunt for my apartment and check out the program.”
“I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
“I’m excited.” That weird epression flickers in her eyes as she comes back to the couch.
“You good?”
“Yeah. The pizza is almost ready. I can’t wait to dig in and find out if you were playing dumb before at not being able to cook.”
“I’ve managed to survive.”
“Hmm…that’s something you can work on while I’m in Paris. I bet your mom would love to teach you.”
“I guess.”
The timer goes off, and I force her to stay seated.
“You want beer?”
“No. No drinking tonight, but you can go for it.” I wish I could get her drunk and convince her to move her stuff back in, but then she’d remember all the stupid shit I’ve done and leave anyway.
I hand off her plate and drink and she starts the movie while I collect mine.
“Urban Cowboy?”
“This movie is a classic, and if you say one bad word, I’ll punch you in the nuts.”
I cover my nuts and she laughs. I settle in next to her. I can’t keep my eyes off her. I don’t want to miss a breath. Every moment she’s here with me is precious.
The evening starts passing far too quickly. We finished the pizza forever ago, and the movie is almost over. “That Bud is a real asshole. I like him.”
“You would. Their relationship is so passionate and crazy.”
“Reminds me of someone I know.”
“And they found their way back to each other.” I walked straight into this shit, but Liri shifts and pulls me toward her by the collar of my shirt. “It’s time for your dessert.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to. Just because our timing is off doesn’t mean that this isn’t hard for me, Killian. I’m going to miss you so damn much.”
“Then don’t go.”
“I have to.” Her mouth closes in on mine. There is plenty more I want to say to her, but the time for talking is over for now. If there is one conversation we’re good at having, it’s the one we do naked.
Her tongue probes inside my mouth, and I let her lead. Tonight is all about Liri and reminding her that no one will ever love her like I do. Velvety and soft, her lips massage mine. Every nerve ending in my body is on fire. It’s taking all my self-control to not rip her clothes off right now, but I want this to last.
I need it to.
My fists are balled at my sides. Heavy breaths pass between us, but I won’t touch her yet. I only give her my mouth. If she wants more, she’ll have to work for it.
Chapter 20
Liri
Killian’s tongue sweeps alongside mine. Soft and warm his kiss is filled with so much love I can scarcely breathe. All the emotions he feels pour into me, and I swallow them down. Love, passion, confusion, sadness, lust. His fists are clenched so tight I’m worried he’s going to pop a vessel or something. I move to his lap, straddling him on the couch. The credits to the movie play in the background, but I tune them out. I grab his hands and fight with him to uncurl his fingers.
“Relax. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not yet.” He closes his eyes, and my heart cracks more than it already has. I don’t enjoy hurting him. I should probably put a stop this and go, but I need this as much as he wants it. I press my lips to his eyelids and kiss him all over his face. Wanting to mark every inch of his skin with my lips and my love. “The moment I make love to you, you’ll be gone, Liri. I’m terrified to let this night end.”
“I promised you the night, and I meant it. I promise not to leave until morning. It’s not even fully dark out. We have time.”
“Not enough,” he whispers into my mouth.
“Touch me, Killian. Make me feel you, baby.” I lace my fingers with his and kiss him harder and deeper. My heartbeat is in my throat. He’s not the only one who is scared. I can’t remember what my life was like before him. How I managed to go through my days without thoughts of him consuming me. Killian is my world, but I know I need to gain some independence back, and he needs to learn how to let go of things out of his control. And leave his past where it belongs.
We hurt everyone around us. No one is safe from our destruction but especially not us. I won’t put our baby through that. I won’t put myself through it again. I’m not strong enough, and I know if I don’t walk away now I never will. He’ll resent me for the years he didn’t get to live carefree with no expectations. Killian is afraid to be good. Afraid to let anyone see the good in him because then they’d expect it from him.
I would expect it.
His arms wrap around me. Thumbs brushing the sliver of exposed skin between the waist of my pants and bottom of my hoodie. His lips move to my neck, and I roll my hips unable to resist grinding on him. His eyes open and our gazes meet, both of us knowing that love isn’t enough to save us. We were doomed from the start. A bad boy and a good girl who can’t tell him no. It’s time I learn to.
Killian lifts his shirt over his head and grabs the sides of my face. “I love you, baby. I love you so fucking much. I just want you back. You’re all I need.”
“I’m yours, Killian. I’ll always be yours.” I claim his mouth and rub along his chest, tracing his pecs with my fingertips. The ring he put on my finger glistens under the light, sparkling with broken promises.
Fisting my top, he yanks it over my head and throws it across the room. Head dipping down, he bites my breast over the thin white lace cup and lets out a primal growl. Arms holding me tight to his torso he raises up and carries me to bed.
Laying back on the mattress I give myself to him. My tight dark grey pants with skulls on them are pulled down my legs. Killian stands at the edge of the bed staring at me. There’s so much intensity in his dark eyes that I can feel the flames burning me from the inside out. I go up on my knees and jerk him forward by his belt loops. “Take these off, lover.” His mouth comes down to mine, tongue slipping between my lips, kissing me breathtakingly hard. I suck his bottom lip between my teeth and graze his swollen flesh with rough nibbles that nearly break through the skin.
On his knees with me on the bed, Killian reaches around to unclasp my bra. His touch is gentle and deliberate. Fingertips whispering against my skin as though they are telling me a sinful secret. Cupping a hand under my jaw, he holds me in place, gazing deeply into my eyes. The love radiating from him is enough to crush me, but it’s too late. I made my choice and he made his. This is goodbye. It has to be, because if I stay, we’ll only continue to hurt each other.
Lowering me onto my back, his body covers mine, only his jeans separate us. With sweet strokes of his tongue and lips, he teases my nipples. Roaming my fingers along his muscular back, I slide them into his jeans and squeeze his ass, digging my nails into his heated skin that burns for me.
“I want these pants off,” I tell him.
He smiles into my mouth. “Not yet. I’m prolonging this night as long as I can.”
Killian has barely touched me, and I already feel ready to explode.
“I’ll be back.” Moving off the bed he leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a cup.
“Get thirsty, did you?”
“Something like that.” I grin but his expression is serious. Using two fingers he fishes an ice cube from the cup and pops it in his mouth then places the cup on the nightstand. Back on the bed he spreads my legs and kneels between them. Mouth to my stomach, he drags the ice across my skin, slow and deliberate in his stimulating torture. Carving a path up my torso and across my chest the act is erotic and damn near leaves me in agony.
Getting another cube, he continues to toy with me. Kissing my inner thighs with cold lips.
“Killian…please.”
“Please what?”
“Make love to me.”
“No,” he rasps and crunches the cube in his mouth.
“You think you can use sex as a weapon?”
“No but I can try. I lied before.”
I stiffen as he tugs my bottoms off. “About what?”
“I do know how to cook.”
A wave of relief washes over me. I was certain he was going to say something to piss me off.
“You’re an assh-…” The word dies on my tongue when he blows on my clit then kiss me there. Capping his mouth over the sensitive skin, the cold sensation from his lips and tongue tingles against my warm skin.
“What were you saying?” He pushes a finger in me, and I gasp. “That’s what I thought.” Lips curving into a smirk he lowers his mouth on me again, and this time he doesn’t stop until I’m trembling beneath him. “We’re so good together, baby,” Killian whispers.
“I know that.” I shove his pants down and kiss his lips, tasting myself on them.
Kicking his pants off, Killian looms over me, teasing me with what I want where I desire him most. “You love to torture me,” I muse and grab his butt.
“You enjoy it.” Stroking my cheek with his finger, he claims my mouth, and thrusts inside me.
This time feels so different than every other time we’ve been together. It’s bittersweet and beautiful. Everything that true love should be but it’s also cruel.
This man who has brought me such pleasure and pain keeps his gaze on mine the entire time and when he comes, he cries. “Tell me you’ll stay. Tell me you’re not going. Tell me you’ll be mine. Stay with me, baby. Don’t go.”
“I’m yours, Killian, I’ll always be yours, but I can’t stay. You can’t see it now, but you need me to go. I love you enough to make that choice even if you hate me for it.”
Burying his head in the crook of my neck, his hot tears flow onto my skin, and he goes hard again inside me. Bowing my back, I arch into him. Soft and slow we move together. Teeth biting into me, he increases his pace. “I’ll fuck you into next week,” he growls and bites me again. I shove at him and roll him to his back. Straddling his hips in a backwards cowgirl position, I sink down on him, unable to meet his eyes, because I know the moment he goes to sleep, I’ll be out that door.
I was wrong…I’m not strong enough for one more night.
Neither of us are.
Fingers gripping me from behind he holds me in place and thrusts up hard and deep, so deep I think I will be feeling him into next week.
My heart aches but my body quakes.
“I want your eyes on mine,” he demands.
With a shake of my head I refuse him.
“Look at me, Liri. Look at me and tell me you’re mine.”
“I’m yours,” I admit, but I don’t dare turn around. I will break if I do.
“
Eyes on mine, baby,” Killian’s voice cracks, hoarse and full of emotion.
“No.”
“Damn it, Liri. You can give me this one thing.” He slaps me on the ass. “Look at me.”
My pulse races. There’s something else I can’t give him, and guilt eats away at me…all the things I wish I could say hang between us. The secret I’ve not told anyone.
The secret I plan to keep forever.
Rolling my hips, I grind on him, rocking back and forth until he shatters beneath me and his passion erupts inside me.
Sick with grief, I turn around and lay on his chest. His fingers massage my skin. I stare into his sad eyes on the verge of saying to hell with it and telling him the one thing that will send him back over the edge. “What would you have done if I had told you I was pregnant when you asked me about my birth control?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Just answer the question.”
“You and your questions…” he lets out a breath. “Panicked. Lashed out. Told you I hate you, because the world doesn’t need another fucked up version of me.”
“You don’t think you’d be a good dad?”
“A kid is the last thing I need. I need a kid like a hole in my head.” His fingers stop petting me. “But if you were pregnant, you’d tell me, right?”
I swallow hard and suck in a breath.
“Of course.” The words sound fake even to me, but he smiles and kisses me.
“I’m afraid to fall asleep,” he murmurs, but his eyes are already fluttering shut.
“I love you, Killian.” I kiss his knuckles and bring his hand to my stomach.
Pain shoots through me, and I hold back my tears until he’s asleep.
Chapter 21
Killian
Groaning and stretching, I let out a yawn and smile. That is until I reach across the bed and find it empty. Panic seizes me, and I jump out of bed and check in the bathroom first. I pray she’s in the shower or in the kitchen having her morning coffee. My heart pounds in my chest. Her empty side of the closet mocks me. I rush into the living room and that’s when I see it. The ring I gave her on the kitchen counter next to my keys along with a note. I close my palm over the ring and debate smashing it to pieces or throwing it in a river somewhere.
The Conclusion of Killian & Liri (Cruel Love Book 2) Page 11