I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  “I better get back so I make it in time for my other classes. But text me if you need anything at all, OK? And you’ll meet Georgie like normal and walk him home after school still, yeah?” He nodded at me and I stood to leave.

  “I’ll be home around half nine as usual. See you soon.” As I walked out the room, Ryan called out to me.

  “I love you too, brother.”

  Chapter 13

  Isabel

  “Hi Sammy!” I heard Jess call as she and Sophie breezed through the front door. I rolled my eyes at the name my mum insisted my friends call her; Samantha was her actual name.

  “Hi Jess, Sophie. You girls looking forward to tonight?” Mum smiled as she embraced them. It was a little awkward as they were each carrying bags of clothes to change into and Jess also had a humongous, rectangular box squeezed under her arm. Mum managed to more or less wrap her arms around them both.

  “I can’t wait. I haven’t had an excuse like this to get dressed up for in ages!” Jess squealed.

  “Hey!” I called down the stairs to them both. I had not long gotten out of the shower and had slung on some tracksuit bottoms and a vest for the time being.

  “I hope you’re not planning on wearing that tonight?” Sophie laughed up at me.

  “Well it’s this or my Buttercups uniform,” I joked.

  “Actually, you have no say in what you’re wearing tonight. Sophie and I are going to decide,” Jess grinned whilst my mum tried to smother a giggle. I narrowed my eyes at them, starting to guess at why they had insisted on getting ready over mine. Jess never approved of my outfits, regardless of the occasion. My clothes were either too boring or not flattering enough. They both came charging up the stairs, dragging all their bags with them. They bundled into my room, slinging their stuff on my bed.

  “What’s with the box?” I gestured to the package in Jess’ hands. Sophie and Jess looked at each other, smirking.

  “We bought you something for tonight,” Sophie smiled. Oh shit, I definitely wasn’t going to like this.

  “Guys, you know I love you, but I can’t wear the same kinds of things as you. What are dresses for you two are tops for me. And I cannot pull off the same things that you skinny bitches can,” I ribbed playfully. Jess rolled her eyes and thrust the box at me.

  “Just open it. Then you can bitch about whether you like them or not.” I took a deep breath, lifting the lid a little and peeking inside, praying that it wasn’t some kind of body-con dress that Jess seemed to be favouring lately. I lifted the lid off completely, admiring the pair of boots that sat inside.

  “They’re in your favourite colour, they’re flat, and your mum gave us your size, so we know they’ll fit,” Sophie grinned, bouncing a little on the edge of my bed. Typical of my mum to be in on something like this too. They were gorgeous though. Black suede with a slight point at the toes and lace-up ribbon criss-crossing at the back of them. I pulled one out and realised they were over the knee, thigh-high boots. They were very stylish, but certainly not something I would ever have picked for myself.

  “Do you like them?” Jess asked, seeming a little nervous. She took fashion very seriously and prided herself on picking things out that people usually wouldn’t go for, but still looked fabulous. I hoped she was right this time too.

  “They are beautiful. Although I’ve never worn anything like them before,” I laughed.

  “They’ll look gorgeous on your long legs.” Jess held one of them up against my leg.

  “They must have cost a fortune. You didn’t have to do this, guys.” I would not cry over a pair of boots, but boy did I appreciate these two girls. They both bounced over to me and squeezed me in a group hug.

  “Now, what are you going to wear with them?” Jess strolled over to my wardrobe and started rifling through the clothes inside. “I’m looking for something sexy, but something you’ll be comfortable wearing…”

  “Good luck with that,” I huffed. I did not own a single item of sexy clothing.

  “Ah ha! Bingo!” Jess pulled out a plain black, long-sleeved dress.

  “I’m pretty sure I wore that to my great nan's funeral last year…” I scoffed.

  “Trust me. With those boots and the make-up and hair I’m about to do for you, you will look like you’re going anywhere but a funeral.” That gleam in her eyes was back again.

  Almost two hours later, we were finally ready to leave.

  "Oh, my! Charlie, get in here!" Mum shouted to my dad. "Doesn't she look gorgeous?" My dad choked on the cup of coffee he had been sipping as he looked at my outfit.

  "Why is it that you are pretty much covered up, but I still want to ask you to go upstairs and change?" he laughed.

  "You will do no such thing!" Mum smacked him on the shoulder. "You look amazing honey." She kissed me on the cheek and I was horrified to see her eyes watering.

  "Mum! Don't embarrass me!"

  "Sorry, love. I'm just so happy you became friends with these two girls." She came over and enveloped us all into a group hug. "And Jess, you are so talented! That's a great outfit for my Izzy. Classy but still sexy."

  "Urgh, Mum. You can't say sexy. It's weird." She rolled her eyes at me.

  "You really do look lovely," Dad said, kissing me on the cheek too.

  "And this Jack, he's a good driver, yes?" Mum asked for the twentieth time since I told her I was getting a lift.

  "The instructor wouldn't have passed him otherwise, Mum."

  "I know how boys can be once they get behind a wheel, Isabel. They suddenly think they're Dominic Toretto…"

  "Who?" Sophie and Jess chorused. I sniggered.

  "Never mind. Look, here's forty quid for a cab. I am trusting you, Isabel, to say something and get out the car if you feel unsafe. So if you don't want a lift home, you take a cab." She gave me a stern look as she handed me the cash.

  "I'll be fine, Mum. I promise."

  "And you can call me anytime if you need something. And make sure you text me when you are on your way home, so I don't worry, please." I rolled my eyes as I gave her a squeeze goodbye.

  "Yes, Mum." We heard a horn sound outside and I peered out the front door, happy to see Jack pulled up out front in his silver Renault Clio. It was an old model that had definitely seen better days, but it was a car nonetheless.

  "Be safe…" Mum called after me as we hurried to the car. Jack gave her a little wave as we climbed in.

  "You all look seriously hot!" Ed twisted round in his seat in the front, waggling his eyebrows at us as we laughed. I'd seen the way they had both watched us all as we approached the car. They were definitely looks of admiration and for once, I was pretty sure I was on the receiving end too. My dress had a high neckline and was made from a stretchy fabric, so that it hugged every curve. Jess had pulled the dress up a little, so that the clingy fabric was somewhat creased around my waist. This pulled the previously respectable hemline up about two inches. However, with the thigh-high boots, Dad was right in that I had hardly any skin on show. Maybe a couple inches or so of leg and that was about it. But I felt confident and with the heavy makeup and loosely curled hair that Jess had carefully crafted, I didn't even recognize myself.

  After about twenty-five minutes of Jack’s overly cautious driving (Mum needn't have worried about him emulating the Fast and Furious), we pulled up outside a large, detached house a couple of villages over from mine. It was surrounded by farmland and had a long, winding driveway that was already bumper to bumper with parked cars. We managed to squeeze on the end and could still hear music thumping from this far back.

  It was the opposite to our new build home and looked old enough to perhaps be Edwardian. There were large bay windows on the ground floor and the first-floor windows had intricate brickwork above them, highlighting the pointed arch of each one. As we neared the house, it looked like there might be a second floor too. There were some further windows at the side of the building that looked like some kind of loft extension.

  Jack rang the doorbe
ll but there was no answer. With the music so loud, I wasn't surprised that no one could hear us. Jack tried the handle and the door swung inwards, allowing us entry. We stepped over the threshold into a long entryway, tiled in terracotta and cream coloured diamond-shaped tiles. You could tell that the place had been renovated recently. It still had some period features, such as the tiled flooring, but with a modern twist. The walls were a crisp white and a large staircase off to the side was also painted white with a light grey carpet. A cluster of pendant lights encased in a geometric wire frame dangled from the ceiling, their light dimmed low. It was very atmospheric.

  “Hey, Jack! You came!” A very tall guy rounded the corner and pulled Jack into a typical guy, back-slapping greeting.

  “Guys, this is Jeremy. Jeremy, these are my friends I was telling you about,” Jack introduced us.

  “Nice to meet you all. There’s a ton of booze in the kitchen, so please help yourself. There’s also some pizza and various other snacks ‘round the place…” We all followed Jeremy as he began guiding us through the house. The downstairs was open-plan with a huge kitchen-diner-living room as the main focal point. There was an iPod and speaker system blaring the music and the diner-living room part had been turned into a dance floor, the furniture pushed haphazardly to the edges. There were about fifty people crammed in, jumping and twisting to the music. The large, white kitchen had an island in the middle and lots of people perched atop bar stools, choosing to stay close to the booze.

  “The garage is out of bounds. Feel free to venture up to the bedrooms, but clean up whatever mess you make.” Did he just wink at me? “If you need some fresh air, the backdoor to the garden is open, but we have horses in the next field over so try not to make any loud noises or they’ll spook.” He was shouting now, trying to ensure we could hear him as he busied himself pouring drinks in the kitchen. “And if I catch anyone doing drugs, you’ll be chucked out. My old man’s the Superintendent for Suffolk and he will majorly kick my arse if he so much as gets a suspicion that any of that is going on tonight. What do you drink?” Jeremy looked pointedly at me. And yes, it was definitely me, because I looked behind me to see if anyone else was there and there wasn’t.

  “Er, Malibu and Coke?” He laughed at me whilst nodding his head to the music, grabbing a bottle of coke from the fridge. The cupboard next to it was stocked with every kind of liquor imaginable and Jeremy poured me a very generous shot of white rum. He finished it off with some ice and a straw and handed it to me.

  “What’s your name?” He leaned on the kitchen island, angling his body towards me, his gaze trailing me up and down. I could see Jack and Ed start to wander off in my periphery, whilst Jess and Sophie nudged each other and tried not to smirk at me.

  “Izzy,” I smiled. Not only was this guy at least four inches taller than me, but he was extremely good-looking in a typical Prince Charming kind of way. He had muddy blonde hair that was longer on top, combed upwards to form an untidy quiff. It was the type of hairstyle that looked as if he’d just rolled out of bed, but judging by the rest of his impeccably presented exterior, he had probably spent a considerable amount of time getting it just right. He was in light blue, tight jeans and a dark blue Ralph Lauren polo top that made his blue eyes sparkle. There was no denying that Jeremy was a very attractive man.

  “Come on Izzy! I love this song!” Jess grabbed my elbow and dragged me towards the dance area. I wiggled my fingers goodbye at Jeremy and he lifted his drink in farewell.

  “Dear Lord, that boy is insanely hot!” Jess shouted in my ear as I laughed at her.

  “Someone definitely took a shine to you,” Sophie nudged me in the ribs with her elbow. Tinie Tempah’s Drinking from the Bottle was blasting through the room and Jess tugged us right into the centre. They both started rhythmically moving, swaying their hips and gyrating to the bass. I took a big gulp of my drink and tried to loosen up, pushing my self-consciousness away. I was not particularly coordinated and didn’t have a lot of experience dancing in such close proximity to complete strangers. After a couple more gulps, I started to relax and could feel the beat pulsating through me. A few songs in, Jeremy pushed through the throng of people to stand next to me. To my surprise, he took my now-empty glass from my hand, replaced it with a new one, and tilted himself towards me, starting to dance. Was he trying to dance? With me? Jess and Sophie both nodded encouragingly at me, grinning like idiots. I felt incredibly insecure and unsure, but I carried on dancing, trying to enjoy the fact that an incredibly handsome guy was actually paying me some attention.

  Chapter 14

  Joshua

  “Holy shit, mate. This place is ridiculous!” Ollie and I stopped dead in our tracks, staring at the colossal house in front of us.

  “No fucking way is this Detective Dickwad’s house!” He looked at me open-mouthed and I shrugged.

  “This is definitely the address, so must be.”

  “Shit. Now I feel like a complete prick,” Ollie sighed.

  “Why?”

  “I’ve been giving him such a hard time about spending so much time over our house every weekend. I mean, he’s been glued to my mum’s hip the past few weeks…”

  “You sure it’s her hip he’s glued to?” I sniggered, interrupting him.

  “Fuck off. Anyway, last week I accused him of sponging off of us. Eating our food, watching our TV...and all this time, he lived in this place! He didn't say anything to me once. He must be pretty high up in the police. And no way Mum would feel comfortable coming over to a place like this. She’d feel well too self-conscious and out of place. She’d definitely do a runner. And he must know that, which is why he’s been hanging around our shithole instead of living it up in this palace!” Ollie looked genuinely bereaved at this development. “Why couldn’t he live in a council house like every other fucker that’s ever shown any interest in Mum?”

  “Because they were all fucking morons and maybe Detective Pussy-Whipped is better than her usual type?"

  “Do NOT start fucking calling him that. That’s my mother you’re talking about!” Ollie slammed into my shoulder, almost knocking me over as I burst into hysterics. He stomped away from me, heading straight for the front door. I had to jog a little to catch-up with him. He pushed his way through without knocking and the chavvy dance music was infinitely louder now we were inside.

  “Do you even know what this guy looks like?” I asked. “You’ve not met him before, right?”

  “Mum showed me a picture. He’s some hotshot captain of a local football team or summin.’” Ollie took the lead, going through the nearest doorway. In search of some alcohol, no doubt. Holy shit, my house could fit into the downstairs of this place about three times over. High ceilings, sparsely furnished and pristine, it looked like a fucking show home. Not exactly homely but stunning nonetheless. Ollie began rifling through the fridge, smiling when he found two beers. He then started searching through the cupboards, grabbing two shot glasses and a bottle of vodka. He poured the shots, passing me one along with the beer. I raised my eyebrows at him.

  “We need more than just beer to get through tonight, my friend,” Ollie announced as he downed his shot. I followed suit, feeling the comforting burn as the liquid slipped down my throat.

  “We do not look like we belong here,” I pointed out, referring to the fact that almost everyone else was in designer labels. I was in my black jeans, white t-shirt and black trainers. Again. Nothing special.

  “That’s because we don’t belong here, mate. But it’s free booze, free pizza and it’ll make Mum happy that I came.”

  “You should make sure you say hello to the birthday boy, then. So he corroborates that you actually turned up,” I advised. He turned to look out over the crowd of people dancing in the centre of the room, scanning faces.

  “I er, think I found him.” He nodded in a vague direction.

  “Where? Which one is he?” I had already built up a very clear picture of a preppy, pretty-boy footballer and was curiou
s to see if reality measured up.

  “The tall guy in the middle. The one your girl is grinding up against.” Ollie took a sip of his beer, avoiding my eyes. I frowned in confusion, scrutinising the mob of people. There was a slight shift of bodies and there she was; Isabel Johnson.

  “She’s not my girl,” I responded flatly. But right now, I was kind of wishing she was. Fuck, she looked good. Really fucking good. She was in a tight black dress that was slowly riding up her thighs as she danced. And I hadn’t quite seen a pair of boots before like the ones she was wearing. They rose all the way above the knee, highlighting the bare skin between them and the hem of her dress. Her long hair was delicately curled and trailing down her back. At that moment, she rang her fingers through her hair, pulling it back off her face. Her eyes were dark and smoky. Mesmerizing. I couldn't seem to pull my gaze from her.

  Some kind of 50 Cent song was playing and she was dancing with a tall, blonde guy. It wasn't exactly grinding, they were facing each other for Christ’s sake, but the mutual interest between the two of them was clear. An absurd bolt of jealousy ran through me. I was blown away by how desperately I wanted to kick this guy’s arse and swap places with him.

  ◆◆◆

  After exploring the place for a while, Ollie and I drifted back to the kitchen, propping ourselves up on the bar stools around the kitchen island (which was bigger than my bed, for fuck sake). I shot a text off to Ryan, asking if everything was OK. He had promised to text me before they went to sleep to let me know everything was alright, and also to let me know if Big Mike got home before I did. It was getting close to 10.30 p.m. and I still hadn't heard from him. It was making me nervous. I was trying not to overreact, but my imagination started running wild. Willing myself to stay calm, I set an alarm on my phone for 11 p.m. and if I hadn't heard from him by then, I promised myself I'd leave and go home.