I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  Ollie mumbled something to me around a mouthful of food. I couldn't hear him over the music, but judging by the satisfied expression on his face, he was thinking the same as me; the pizza was awesome. There were boxes strewn all over the counter and although it was starting to go a little cold now, Ollie and I knew how to make the most of a free meal. We were halfway through demolishing our third pizza when the birthday boy himself strutted over. There was no sign of Izzy as he helped himself to more beer.

  "Hey Jeremy," Ollie shouted over the music, lifting his chin. The guy turned and looked a little baffled. "I'm Ollie. Boon. Your dad's dating my mum…"

  "Nice to meet you, mate!" He shook Ollie's hand and threw a cursory glance in my direction before turning back to him. "I've barely seen him the past month. Reckon he must like your mum a lot." Ollie grunted in response as a group of people approached Jeremy, snatching away his attention. I rolled my eyes at Ollie and he shrugged.

  "We can probably leave now. I've said hello, drank a loada beer and stuffed my face. No reason to listen to this shit any longer," Ollie pointed to the ceiling, referring to the bassy music. I nodded, keen to get home and check on my brothers.

  "Josh! What are you doing here?" Jess frowned at me. "Never mind. Doesn't matter. Have you seen Izzy?"

  "No. Why?" She seemed a little frantic. Sophie approached from a different direction, looking equally flustered.

  "I can't find her!" She shouted to Jess. They both looked around, their agitation clear.

  "What's wrong?" I asked again.

  "Ellie is here," Jess said, not looking at me and still scanning the room.

  "Who the fuck is Ellie?" Did they expect me to know what they were talking about?

  "She used to go to our school. Her and her mates bullied Izzy for about two years, pretty nasty stuff," Sophie filled me in.

  "We need to find Izzy and give her a heads up before she has a meltdown." Jess turned to leave, grabbing Sophie's hand and pulling her in a different direction.

  "I'm going to go help them look." Ollie jumped down to follow them and I almost fell off my chair in surprise. I raised my eyebrows at him.

  "She is fucking hot!" He mouthed to me whilst doing some kind of weird thrusting behind Jess' back. I laughed, rolling my eyes. Trust Ollie to make the most out of any opportunity. I looked around and saw the backdoor propped open. If I had been dancing all night, I’d probably want some fresh air. I stood up and pushed my way through the crowd. As I stepped outside, the cool night air was pleasantly refreshing from the sweaty humidity inside. There were some outdoor lights illuminating the immediate area, which was good as it was pitch black outside now. It seemed like there were as many people out here as there were inside. There was a large decking area in front of me with an L-shaped sofa and armchairs. People were crammed all over them, sprawled out across each other and perching on the arms or the backrests. I was about to turn around and go back inside when I heard a group of girls laughing. There was something about the way they laughed that made me head closer to them instead.

  They were on the periphery of the crowds outside and as I pushed closer, I could see a group of four or five girls huddled together. They were all facing in one direction and when I followed their eye line, I could see Izzy stood on her own a few feet in front of them. Her head was bowed, shoulders rounded and her fingers were twisting around each other nervously.

  "There is no way you came here with Jack Conners. He's way too cool to be hanging around with a nobody like you." A short blonde at the front of the group sneered at her, flicking her hair over her shoulder as her friends snickered. Izzy remained silent.

  "You know, it doesn't matter how slutty you dress or how much makeup you cake on, no one wants you. Jonny didn't want you, he still doesn't want you, and no one else even bothers to look at you." The girl, presumably Ellie, took a step closer. Izzy was still planted in position, her eyes averted. This wasn't the feisty girl that had pushed me off Tom earlier on in the week. Where was she?

  "And I mean, what the fuck are you wearing anyway? You think that dressing up as a whore in those terrible boots will make guys look at you? Oh honey, you are naive." Her friends were laughing as if she had said the funniest thing in the world, but my anger was slowly starting to brew. I had no idea who this girl was, but she wasn't anything special. Izzy was ten times more attractive than she was, and why she thought she could get away with talking to her like that was beyond me. It felt like my blood was boiling and all I wanted to do was prove to Izzy how wrong Ellie was. Without thinking through my next move, my feet started moving towards Izzy.

  Chapter 15

  Isabel

  "Hey babe, I've been looking for you." My head snapped up as I watched Josh approach. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard? And why the hell was he calling me babe? He stopped right in front of me with his back turned to Ellie. I searched his eyes, trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. We hadn't spoken since the incident with Tom and I was still a little pissed at him. But right now, he was the lifeline I needed to escape Ellie's torment. I prayed that he'd help me.

  "Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" I heard Ellie huff out a laugh behind him and I glanced over at her. Josh reached out, cupping my face and tilting my chin up a little to look at him instead. I felt my breathing hitch, confused by the look of desire dancing on his face. He smiled at me and it reached all the way to his eyes. He lowered his face slowly, maintaining eye contact the entire time. It was as if he was giving me a chance to back away, but I was rooted to the spot. My heart pounded and I found myself desperately hoping this was going the way I thought it was. His lips gingerly touched mine. He pulled back again, waiting to see how I'd react. I continued to seek some sort of explanation in his eyes, wanting to understand. But the overwhelming urge to feel his lips again won out. I leaned forward, feeling a searing heat spread through me as I kissed him. He applied more pressure, his fingers reaching up and knotting my hair until he gripped the back of my head. I lifted my hand, stroking the stubble along his jaw as I pulled him closer. He made a kind of guttural noise deep in his throat, which vibrated through me as he parted my lips with his. I could feel his tongue slip into my mouth, moving gently, cautiously. There was this fire burning in my chest and though I didn't quite understand why this was happening, it wasn't enough. I wanted more.

  I lifted my other hand, pushing my fingers up through the back of his hair. Our bodies were touching pretty much the whole length, my chest pressed into his and my thighs pushing into his legs. I wasn't sure, but I thought I could feel something of his pressing into me too.

  He pulled back, coming up for air. I looked around and Ellie and her friends had disappeared, nowhere to be seen. Josh frowned a little, staring intently at me as if I had the answer to something. His phone started ringing with a loud piercing squeal and he fingered it out of his pocket, cursing as the screen lit up. He looked up from the screen, to me, and back again.

  "We're even now. You saved Tom, I saved you…" he slowly walked backwards away from me before turning, hurrying back into the house. I stared after him, feeling like I was drowning and couldn't suck enough oxygen into my lungs no matter how hard I tried. I had never felt anything quite like that. Sure, I'd been kissed before, but not for a long time. No boy had so much as even glanced at me since Ellie decided I wasn't worthy, but Josh had gone against all the rules. He'd turned his back to her and kissed me so passionately, my heart was still thumping. It felt like it might break right through my ribs and escape my chest altogether.

  But it didn't mean anything to him. He was a bloody good actor, I'd give him that. I was sure that had been real passion, real feelings I'd seen reflected in his eyes, but I was wrong. It was his way of apologising for what he'd done to Tom. His way of making it up to me. We're even now. You saved Tom, I saved you…

  His words rang in my ears, the disappointment spearing my chest making me feel a little nauseous. Godammit, I hated Joshua Bugg
right now. I clenched my fists, my fingers digging into my palms so hard that I was surprised my nails didn't draw blood. How dare he? He couldn't kiss me like that and then walk away. He couldn't toy with my emotions like that. One minute we were close to being friends, then he'd do something to infuriate me, and then he went and did this! He kissed me! I mean, I'd cleaned up his sick for Christ’s sake and he couldn't even respect me enough to be real with me? Nope, I wasn't accepting that.

  I charged towards the door to the house, relieved that my legs were working. I'd been frozen to the spot for so long I was afraid I'd somehow become paralysed. Pushing through the throng of people, my eyes slid left and right, right and left, searching for Josh. My annoyance intensified with every second I couldn't locate him. At some point my brain registered that Sophie and Jack were in the corner kissing, but I ignored them, too focused on finding Josh and letting him have a piece of my mind. I stormed through the kitchen and living room, breaking through into the hallway and growling in frustration when I couldn't find him. I was about to give up when I glimpsed something out front. The front door was ajar and I could see Ollie jogging away from the house. I darted through the door, smiling in victory when I could see Josh just ahead of him. I broke into a run, chasing him down.

  "The bus doesn't come for another thirty minutes, mate," Ollie called to Josh, out of breath as he tried to keep up with him. Josh was almost sprinting and I was struggling to gain on them, just catching the sounds of their conversation.

  "Then I'll run all the damn way home. I need to make sure they are OK!" Josh shouted over his shoulder, not slowing down.

  "Josh! Wait! WAIT!" I hollered as loud as I could, panting like a dog. Ollie slowed, staring at me in confusion. I bent over, gripping my knees as I tried to gasp lungfuls of air. I was so bloody unfit. I was relieved to see Josh pause, turning to jog over to me. Relieved that is, until the anger took over, the memories of what happened earlier lighting a fire in me. He hesitated a metre or so in front of me, unwilling to come closer.

  "You. Don't. Get. To. Leave. After. That." I was still panting, struggling to get my words out.

  "I don't have time for this, Izzy. I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I kissed you and took off, but I have to go…" he half turned away from me again, edging down the driveway.

  "Did it mean anything to you? Or was it all for show?" I glared at him, grateful that my breathing had finally evened out. I felt my heart jump as I realised I sounded as if I cared if it meant something to him or not. A mixture of embarrassment and shock rippled through me. He let out a frustrated growl.

  "I don't have time for this!" He repeated, running his fingers through his hair. "It doesn't matter when I can't fucking think straight!" His chest was heaving and sweat was dripping down his brow. He had a wild look in his eyes. My anger started to fade when I realised it was fear.

  "What's wrong, Josh?" I asked in a softer tone. He looked so panicked and fearful. Something else was bothering him.

  "I just...I need to go home...I need to make sure Ryan and Georgie are OK…" with that, he turned away from me completely, moving further away.

  "I told you, the bus doesn't come until half past. No point rushing to the bus stop, mate. And you can't possibly run all the way home…" Ollie sounded apologetic but Josh howled. That's the only way I can describe it. He literally tipped his head to the sky and howled. It sounded like he was in physical pain and I could see the anxiety shuddering through him as he stopped, stamping his foot with his back to us. It would have been comical if he hadn’t looked so serious.

  "Hello? Yeah, I er, need a cab as soon as possible please…" I pressed my phone into my ear, watching as Josh whirled round to face me. I reeled off the address as Josh stared at me, hanging up only after the taxi company promised that the driver would be here in five minutes. I started searching through the little black clutch bag that was slung over my shoulder, pulling the money out my mum had given to me earlier.

  "The driver'll be here in five," I said, thrusting the money towards him. Josh looked torn. He didn't move to take the money, but I could see an internal battle raging through him.

  "Take the money and go check on your brothers, Josh." I shoved the money in his hands, having to pry his fingers open in order for him to hold it. He looked over at Ollie but he only shrugged at him in response.

  "Why…? I'm not... I'm a shitty human being...Why do you keep coming to my rescue?" He looked flustered and was almost vibrating on the spot. He pulled out his phone, grinding his teeth after he looked at the screen.

  "Why haven't you text me back?" He mumbled to himself before I could respond, shoving his phone in his back pocket. I saw headlights pause at the end of the driveway, the car not able to actually turn down it due to all the other cars parked up.

  "That's our ride, come on…" Ollie started moving towards the car but stopped when Josh didn't move. He was still standing there, watching me. Ollie looked at me over Josh's shoulder and I gave him a slight nod. He jumped forward, grabbing the sleeve of Josh's shirt and tugged him towards the cab. Reluctantly, Josh turned away. As soon as our eye contact broke, he started to pick up pace until he was back to a flat out run. I watched as he and Ollie dove into the back seat, door slamming behind them, the sound echoing into the night.

  "Because I think you might be worth rescuing…" I whispered to thin air.

  Chapter 16

  Joshua

  Why were we going so fucking slow? I swear the cab driver was doing this on purpose, not breaking the speed limit even a little.

  "What was that back there? We saw you and Izzy kissing…"

  "Not now, Ollie. Not fucking now. I can't concentrate. I need to get to my brothers." I rocked forward, willing the car to go faster. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, fear clawing at my throat and making it hard to breathe.

  "I'm sure everything's fine, mate…" I silenced Ollie with a thunderous look, my jaw starting to hurt from grinding my teeth so hard. He knew what Big Mike was capable of. There was a very good chance that everything was not fine. I pushed all thoughts of Izzy far from my mind, focusing only on getting to Ryan and Georgie.

  "Can't you go any faster?" I snapped, finally losing my patience with the driver. He rolled his eyes at me in the rear-view mirror and it took all my self-control not to scream at him. Especially when I was sure he lifted his foot from the accelerator. I watched the houses and streets crawl past, praying that they would soon become familiar. After what seemed like hours, I finally began recognizing our surroundings. My hand gripped the door handle, knuckles turning white, ready to leap out of the car as soon as it pulled up outside my house.

  "That'll be…" I threw the money at the driver without waiting to hear how much it was. I lunged from the car, scrambling to get my footing and racing to the door. I heard another door slam behind me and quick footsteps following.

  "Ollie, I…"

  "Don't even bother, Josh. I'm coming with you." As Ollie ran beside me, I could see the determination in his eyes and that there was no point arguing with him. I fumbled my keys in the door, my hands shaking as the adrenaline coursed through me. I pushed inside, taking the stairs two at a time. I tried to throw our bedroom door open but it wouldn't budge.

  "Ryan! Georgie! It's Josh. Let me in!" I hammered the door, pounding with my fists. Why weren't they answering? I raised my foot to kick the door in when I heard the click of a deadbolt retracting. And another one. And another one.

  "Hey," Georgie yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I collapsed to my knees in front of him, gripping his shoulders and looking him over in detail. No cuts, no bruises. No blood.

  "Are you OK? I've been worried sick. I haven't heard from you or Ryan all evening." I searched his eyes, imploring him to be OK.

  "Ryan's got some kind of stomach bug." Georgie swung the door open and stepped back, letting Ollie and I enter the dark room. It was then that I noticed the faint tangy smell of vomit. I could make out Ryan curled up into a ball with his
back to me, sleeping in his bottom bunk. His face looked a little sweaty and a large plastic bowl was next to him on the floor.

  "He told me not to tell you, didn't want you rushing back. We wanted you to have some fun for a change," Georgie whispered. He began clambering up the ladder to his bed, tiredness making the ascent slow and clumsy. I was still panting and my legs shaking, unspent energy and concern pulsing through me. Ollie clapped me on the shoulder, sighing in relief.

  "See? Told you they were fine," he smiled triumphantly before collapsing on my bed.

  "Where's Big Mike?" I asked Georgie as he pulled the covers up to his chin.

  "He...went back out." He hesitated and I could feel suspicion creeping up on me. But then he yawned and stretched, making me feel bad for keeping him awake. Georgie was a terrible liar anyway so I'm sure I'd be able to tell if something else was going on.

  "Has he thrown up much?" I nodded towards Ryan.

  "Just a couple times," Georgie yawned again, turning over.

  "Night bro," I murmured whilst pulling my t-shirt over my head. Ollie had already stripped and wiggled under my quilt, grinning at me. I rolled my eyes, nudging Ryan over in his bed a little. He muttered something in protest, but I stroked his hair, trying to soothe him.

  "It's just me, Ry. Just Josh. Go back to sleep …" He scooched over some more, letting me in next to him. I hadn't slept next to either of my brothers for a long time. Sometimes they climbed into bed with each other on a really bad day when they needed comfort, but very rarely did I join them. After the panic and fear that had been threatening to consume me for the past hour or so, I was only too happy to lay next to Ryan and listen to his steady breathing. Besides, I sure as hell wasn't climbing into bed next to Ollie. Especially as I could hear him snoring from across the room already.