Tier Trilogy: Books 1-3

by Cindy Gunderson

  “But on the other hand, I am being completely selfish,” he continues. “Have I become some Tier 2 individual who only looks out for himself? We have a responsibility to do what is best for society. Up until now, that has meant building a strong unit for our kids. Raising them, serving society through our research and mentoring, exploring new ideas and supporting people in their own self-discovery. Now there is this. We have an opportunity to be the pioneers in eliminating pain and suffering in future generations. So, as much as I can’t lose you,” he runs his hands through his wet hair, “can I live knowing that I chose myself over thousands of people?”

  I look at the conflict in his face. A weight settles on my chest. Not knowing what else to say, I hold him. After a few minutes, my body begins to overheat, so I gently kiss his cheek and open the shower door. Steam billows around me into the cool air of the bathroom. Pulling my towel from the rack, I slowly begin to dry off.

  Chapter 24

  We wake early so that Eric can have some time with the boys before he has to fly out. Tal and Bentley are both surprised and elated to see their dad home. Eric wrestles with them while I make breakfast, and my heart is finally in a state of peace. I guess that’s strange, considering all of the information I received last night, but it’s just so comforting to know. Nothing in my life was making sense. Now that all the pieces have clicked into place, I can at least start to deal with it. Thankfully, I have enough information to start processing the best options and outcomes.

  If only I could believe that none of the responsibility for these future decisions rested on me. To believe that my brain would, over time, calculate the best option based on my previous experience and wiring, and that action would be inevitable. I could passively watch that process occur and not worry about whether my action was right or wrong, better or worse. It would be the only action my mind and body could come to—learning and progressing through a feedback loop. There wouldn’t need to be any stress or regret. I continue whipping the eggs. It seems like a cop out.

  We spend another hour together, then Eric has to leave. I hug him tightly, and I can tell he doesn’t want to go. We all wave to him from the front porch, my newly validated self standing tall, watching his car drive away.

  Almost immediately, upon reentering the house, my sensor dings. It’s Nick, and I don’t answer. How am I going to handle this? I can’t say anything or let on that I know. I definitely don’t want to give Eric any trouble. I have to act like nothing has changed, but I don’t think I know what that would look like. Think. What space was I in before I saw Eric the other night? I probably would have answered Nick’s call gratefully. I quickly call back after shooing the boys off to get dressed for the day. My assignments have been postponed this week. With all that was involved with preparing for the ceremony, the health center decided to lower my schedule. Initially, I was grateful, but now, I am desperately in need of a distraction.

  “Hey Kate, how are you doing this morning?” Nick says, answering the call. I can practically hear the grin on his face.

  “I’m good. Eric just left to go back to headquarters, and the boys are getting dressed. How are you?”

  “I’m great.” He pauses. “I didn’t see you again after we went back into the ballroom, so I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

  “Yes, sorry. Eric and I left right after that. We wanted to spend some time together before he had to leave again.”

  “I totally understand,” Nick says, a little too quickly. “Is Bentley available to go play some ball this afternoon? I am done with my shift at one o’clock and thought it would be a good time to hang out. We could play at the park across from your house, so it doesn’t require any extra time for you.”

  “That would be great. Just message when you are on your way and we’ll meet you there,” I say.

  “See you then!” He signs off and I lay my head in my hands. I have until one o’clock to figure out how ignorant Kate would act.

  All morning, I go through scenarios in my head. If Eric came back and didn’t say anything, what would that night have been like? Probably frustrating. It probably would have ended up like the last few conversations we tried to have weeks ago. I try to engage him in conversation, he responds noncommittally, I try to remain calm but can’t help a little annoyance creeping into my tone, he gets frustrated, I get upset, and we each go to bed not talking anymore. Okay. If that had happened, how would I be feeling? Alone. Scared. Angry. If alone, scared, and angry Kate went to the park to meet Nick, what would she be doing? Noticing him. Enjoying his companionship. Seeking validation that she is, in fact, not crazy. It is disturbingly easy to drop back into that space, but I go with it. Good enough.

  Nick should be here in about ten minutes, so I walk with the boys across to the park and push Bent on the swings while we wait. I suddenly realize I haven’t talked with Shari since the cafe. I should probably call her so she knows I am not upset. I don’t have time for a full conversation now, so I send her a message just as I see Nick’s car pull up. He doesn’t get out right away, so eventually I walk over to the window and find him sleeping on the pull-down cot. I can’t help but smile. He looks so young, almost boyish. He opens his eyes and I look away, embarrassed that I was staring at him. I step back as he opens the car door.

  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think I would fall so deeply asleep. I guess I haven’t fully recovered from last night.” Nick yawns as he reaches into the trunk. His hair is wild, and his movements are a little out of sorts. It’s hard not to be amused, watching him try to act normally. He pulls out three gloves and a baseball. “I brought an extra for Tal. I didn’t want him to feel left out.”

  “What about me? I feel left out now.” I pretend to pout.

  Nick laughs. “I did not think that you would be into baseball. We can rotate in?”

  “I’m kidding. I’ll throw a few, but then I actually have some files to catch up on from last week. I was planning to work on those while you guys play.”

  “Sounds good.” He looks over to see the boys running our way. They have finally noticed he is here.

  “We haven’t checked out sports equipment in weeks. I think they are slightly excited,” I laugh.

  Nick jogs over to them, and they start sorting out who will use which glove. I leave them to it and head over to set up my tablet at one of the benches. Working through my notes, I find it difficult to stay focused. My eyes keep straying to where Nick is playing with the boys. I am doing a pretty bang up job of pretending to be ignorant Kate.

  Allowing my thoughts to stray, I wonder if I could actually be happy with Nick. Could I give up Eric and make a new life with him? What would happen with the boys? I assume they would stay with me. Eric would definitely be sacrificing the most. He would be alone with his research while I still had our family. I would be able to have more kids, and I have to admit, this thought is tempting. Eric and I were maxed at three with our genetic matching. I glance around, irrationally nervous that someone would be able to sense my disloyalty for even entertaining the idea of this new life, but I remind myself that I need to explore all the options. I owe it to myself and to Eric. I play out the different possibilities:

  Option one. Eric stays and gives up his involvement in the research. I don’t even know what that means for our family. We obviously would not be keeping our commitment to put society above self. Would we be allowed to stay Tier 1? I have heard of people removing themselves and settling into Tier 2. Could that be a possibility for us—stay together, but sacrifice Tier 1? What would that mean for our kids? They wouldn’t have the resources they need to fulfill their potential. So we stay together, but sacrifice our kids’ future? That makes me feel sick. Maybe we stay together and move to Tier 2, but leave the kids with new parents in Tier 1? More sick.

  Option two. Eric stays and somehow they allow us to remain Tier 1. They decide that our contributions to society are high enough that they won’t require me to re-pair with Nick. Or maybe they find mor
e pairs and it’s not as necessary. Eric spends the rest of his life knowing that I am his selfish choice. Every day, he looks at me and feels worse about himself, becoming withdrawn and volatile over time. Maybe we stay together, but maybe we split up because we can’t handle the pain we are causing each other.

  Option three. Eric and I separate and I re-pair with Nick. We have children (quickly, because I’m getting old) and we do reversal therapy on Tal and Bentley, so they don’t feel the loss of their dad so acutely. Or maybe Eric is still involved? No, that would be too hard for me. Eric is not involved at all. The boys lose their dad and I lose my other half. Literally. But, I am not alone, and Nick and I would likely grow close. The kids have the resources they need. We start the process of fulfilling Eric’s life work. I miss him but am serving him every day by creating new potential for generations. Eric misses me, but he sees the good he has done. He re-pairs with someone else, most likely. He may even have more kids, too. We start over. We still love each other, just not together.

  I know Eric. He is so dedicated to this program and how it could change the course of humanity. He believes in this research one hundred percent. He will not be able to just get over a choice that will make it more difficult for society to progress. My options are not to keep things the same or change; they have already changed. Eric and I won’t ever be the same. This thought lands heavy on my heart.

  My fingers pause on the display, and I am lost in thought, remembering a time early in our pairing when we didn’t have children yet. I woke up one morning feeling lazy and tired. I needed time to recharge, and I wanted Eric to recharge with me. I laugh thinking about ‘needing more time for myself’ when I had multiple hours of discretionary time every day. That morning, though, I felt completely justified for wanting a break—I had been working hard and hadn’t taken any time off all year. I rolled over to Eric and jokingly pouted, asking him to play hooky and stay home with me. I laid out a perfect day, with all of his favorite activities. He had research planned at the lab, and I remember being slightly offended that he wasn’t even tempted to blow things off. I remember him, even then, saying that this research could change hundreds of lives. Our day of fun would only give us momentary pleasure and wouldn’t even change anything for us, not really. Despite my protestations that this day could be life-changing, he didn’t bend. I ended up going in for my shift that day, and it solidified what I had already known about Eric: he was always going to put others first. The potential to help society was always going to outweigh selfish desires for him, and it always has.

  The fact that he is struggling with this decision now shakes me. If Eric—the one person I have always counted on to be my compass—is tempted to choose us, I don’t want to be the reason for his regret. I don’t want him to go against his core beliefs. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.

  I type a quick message to Eric saying, ‘I love you. Go save the world. I will do what I can to make sure your research moves forward.’ I hope it is cryptic enough, but that he understands what I mean. My heart starts to beat fast. Is this right? Am I really going to do this? I close my tablet before I can bring myself to press send. I should at least sleep on it. Placing my things to the side, I walk over to play some baseball.

  Chapter 25

  That evening, Nick and I are sitting in the living room after I put the boys to bed. I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t flirted in fifteen years. I feel really, really old right now. Doubts come rushing into my head. He is so young. Why would he even want to be with me? Does he actually want this? Is he only doing this out of a sense of duty? I am doing it because I love another man, so I guess that’s not much better. I speak, to break the silence.

  “Nick, what you said last night— ”

  “I am sorry if that was weird,” he cuts in. “I was so full of energy and warmth toward you. I realize I may have crossed a line. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

  “No, I know. I have been thinking a lot about it. Eric and I talked some last night, but it ended like it always does,” I lie. I never lie. My palms are sweating. “When he showed up at the ceremony, I hoped that he had returned to get our relationship back on track. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up and am realizing that he needs to be invested in his research right now. This discovery is huge, with such far-reaching consequences. I don’t know what that means for me, but I think it’s obvious that Eric and I are drifting further apart every day. I worry about the boys, and I worry about being alone. I really appreciated knowing that you are here for us.” I pause. “Here for me.” My hands are shaky. This feels so wrong, but I can’t see any option that keeps our family intact long-term.

  “Of course I’m here for you. I’m sorry this is so hard.” His face is sincere. I know he is probably very open to this change of direction, but he is also a genuine guy. I haven’t seen anything in him that is self-serving. He only wants to do what is expected of him. He probably feels like he is making a huge sacrifice trying to settle in with me when he could have some beautiful, perfect 18-year-old bursting with energy and ideals. We are a sorry pair. At least he doesn’t know that I know. Maybe that will count for something.

  “I don’t know where to go from here,” I say. “I can’t keep playing this game with Eric. It’s killing me, and I think it’s adding stress for the boys. They can see I am not myself.” My emotions are so close to the surface that I stop talking, in fear of breaking down. Nick moves to the seat next to me and puts his hand on my knee and my body responds. Every time he touches me, my heart races a little bit—proof that we are genetically a good pair. I try to keep this realization in the forefront of my mind, so I won’t chicken out.

  “Kate, I would never...try to come between a pair. Ever. But these last few weeks have been slightly torturous for me. I am really attracted to you—”

  “Nick—”

  “No,” he cuts me off. “Just let me finish, and then you can say what you need to say. I am really attracted to you. Like, really attracted. Every night, I go home and try to stop my brain from making up stories where we are together—where I met you before Eric did.”

  “You literally would have been a baby.” I look at him seriously.

  “I know, I know,” he laughs. “In my daydreams, I’m the same age, though. Just roll with it. I have a hard time shutting it down. I think about you constantly. I love your kids, too, which doesn’t help. All I’ve ever wanted is to find a pair, have a big family, and then follow whatever path will allow me to make this world a better place. Up until now, I haven’t found anyone— ”

  “But— ”

  “I know!” He puts his hands up. “It sounds ridiculous, just stick with me. I need to explain. Of course I could have paired with a number of other women. I dated a lot, right when I turned eighteen, and everyone hit the minimum requirement. But nobody matched all of the most important markers. More concerning, nobody felt like my equal. It seemed like I would always be settling. I think I told you about the one girl I tried to make things work with. Honestly, she did me a favor. I wouldn’t have been fulfilled; I was trying to do what was expected of me, but it didn’t feel right.”

  I cut in, “And somehow, you think that you wouldn’t be settling for me? I have so many flawed markers. I have been a mother and health assistant for my ‘career.’ My brain and body are used. I’m 28, Nick.” I look at him, aghast. I wonder if he will come clean and tell me that Berg ordered him to pair with me.

  He looks embarrassed. “Maybe your age and experience are what attract me so much. Maybe I was never meant to be with someone my own age. Maybe that’s why I never felt like I could find someone who complimented me. I also—” he swallows hard, “I ran our numbers,” he blurts out.

  “What?”

  “I ran our numbers. In a weak moment. I am so sorry. It was a total violation of privacy.”

  I am confused. And slightly upset that he isn’t being totally honest with me about what he knows and how he kno
ws it.

  “How? The system doesn’t allow you to run numbers on people who are already paired.”

  “I— ” He looks down at his lap, his olive skin flushing. “Grace gave me clearance. She didn’t know that’s what I wanted. I told her that I needed access to run files for the ceremony. The following week, I was told that I would be Bentley’s mentor. A part of me felt like I should decline, knowing my personal feelings, but I couldn’t make myself do it.”

  Oh, I’m sure Grace knew exactly what she was doing. Is it possible that Nick wasn’t in on this? That he was just gently guided in my direction? I try to keep my face straight as I analyze this possibility. Would that mean...that he is actually attracted to me? Heat rises to my face.

  I clear my throat. “So, what did you find?”

  “We are an incredible match, Kate. We far exceed the minimum match required for pairing. We wouldn’t be limited to only one or two children. When I saw that, and I already knew that I was attracted to you, I...well, that’s why I was so forward the other night. I feel terrible about how I acted. It was not okay for me to take advantage of that moment. Seeing Eric, so intent to be with you, made me a little bit desperate.” He rubs his face with his hands. He looks exhausted.

  “I had let myself hope that Eric might choose his research over family and that I could swoop in, but just saying that out loud makes me feel like a jerk.” He starts speaking quickly. “Eric is obviously an amazing guy, and you have all of this history together. I am sorry, Kate. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He stands up, speaking more deliberately. “I feel sick just talking about this. I got carried away and I am fully aware of how selfish my actions have been. Rest assured, I will learn from this and move forward.” He purses his lips and turns toward the door. As he walks past me, his hand brushes my chair and I reach out, grazing his fingers.