Tier Trilogy: Books 1-3

by Cindy Gunderson

  After they talk for a few minutes and end the call, we get on our bikes and ride to conditioning. The boys chatter nonstop about the celebration and how they can’t wait to discuss everything with their friends. We have missed quite a few classes lately, and I didn’t realize how much they look forward to sharing and talking with kids their age. It’s been a while since they have played with anyone besides each other, I realize. I should set something up.

  Before I start the ride home, I check my sensor and see that Nick has responded. My stomach drops. I select the message and begin reading.

  Hey Kate, I am so sorry it was tough. I expected it would be hard for all of you, and honestly, it’s hard for me knowing you are in pain. I feel somewhat responsible even though...even though. I just want you to know that I love you. Take all the time you need. If you want someone to talk to, I am here. Would love to help with celebration planning.

  I’m smiling and I immediately want to slap myself in the face. How can I be smiling at a message from the man I am about to leave? After we have paired? I think back to all of the things he shared, about feeling rejected, alone, unable to find someone to move forward with. Tears start rolling down my cheeks. He is young, and I know he will find someone else, but I might be a terrible person. The most terrible person. I want to curl up and sob. I see someone walking up the street and don’t want to attract attention or have to explain my emotional distress, so I start riding. I zone out as I pedal. When I pull up in front of my house, I wish I would have continued on. Grace is sitting on my front porch.

  Chapter 36

  I quickly take off my helmet and try to pull myself together. It proves to be impossible. With my eyes red and puffy, I step off the bike and move slowly up the walkway. Grace stands as I approach, looking stiff and out of place on my whimsical porch in her crisp, white shirt and black slacks.

  “Hi Kate, I am sorry to come over unannounced. I wanted to check in on you and see how you are handling everything,” she says flatly.

  I look at her with my wrecked face, daring her to comment. “It’s been hard,” is all I can get out. I really just want to go inside and curl up in bed. Instead, I say, “Can I get you some water or herbal tea?”

  “That would be great.”

  I open the door and walk into the kitchen to get the mugs.

  “When you didn’t show up for the boys’ first reversal treatment, I was so concerned. I wanted to personally come by and make sure everything was alright.”

  I sigh. I completely forgot to call today. Of course that raised red flags. I place the teapot on the stove.

  “Our final appointment with Eric was yesterday,” I don’t know why I even bother to say that, of course she already knows, “and that was difficult for all of us. Then we discussed him collecting his things this morning. The boys seem to be doing okay, but I’m not. I completely forgot to cancel that. I think I want to wait until after the Peace Celebration to move forward. They are so excited about it, and it’s providing a great distraction. After that, I think they will need it more.”

  I hear the pot whistle, take it off the burner, and pour it over the tea bags in our mugs.

  “I am sure the last few days have been a blur,” Grace says empathetically. “Have you talked with Nick about it?”

  “I really haven’t had a chance. I’ve been trying to keep everyone together here.”

  “Talking to someone you trust can be really helpful in this situation.”

  I’m not an idiot. Of course I know talking with someone would be helpful. Why does she only bring up Nick and not Shari? I really hate feeling like I am a pawn. Like I am being manipulated.

  I take a deep breath, and a thought occurs to me. Why haven’t Nick and I been asked to do training? Eric talked about how they are doing training and conditioning with the other pairs that have matched. Why haven’t they said one thing to me? I assume they are meeting with Nick at this point, but who knows.

  It can only be one of two things. Either they don’t trust me to react the way they think I should...or they already know that Eric has told me. Is there something in my behavior that is tipping them off? Or in Eric’s behavior? Is there anything I have done in my life to make them think that I would have a propensity to rebel against something? But that’s exactly what I am doing. I am rebelling. Eric and I have already set up a time to meet. Do they know about that? I don’t see how they could, but my heart starts to beat faster.

  “That’s a great suggestion. Thank you,” I say calmly. I remove the bags from the mugs and pass one to Grace. She blows along the surface and takes a small sip.

  “Do you need anything from the Committee? We so rarely deal with un-pairing that I don’t think we have the best resources. Have you considered doing reversal therapy as well?”

  She says it like our un-pairing is an unfortunate occurrence, not something that she orchestrated. Anger again rises up in my chest. I take a drink. It’s too hot, but somehow that helps.

  “I’ve considered it. I just need more time to really see how my brain is going to deal with this. I haven’t had many experiences in my life when I have been pushed to the max emotionally like this. I don’t know what to expect.”

  “Don’t you?” Grace says quietly.

  I pause. “What do you mean by that?”

  She looks at me with what I can only assume is her version of a kind smile. It feels forced. “I have just been thinking about when your mother died. I remember it being very hard for you.”

  It’s as if she threw cold water over me. Of course losing my mother was difficult. Am I really being judged for my emotional response then? I had a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old, and both of my parents died within a year of each other. I wasn’t responding just to my mother's death, I was responding to all of it.

  “There were so many things creating chaos for me during that time. I don’t feel like I can expect that level of reaction to this event.”

  “But this is someone you have built a life with for eleven years. Do you honestly think your level of emotional response will be less?”

  She makes a good point.

  “I don’t know that I can directly compare my level of emotional bonding and investment with my parents versus with Eric. I was also emotionally and physically stressed with child-rearing when my parents died. I think I am in a better place now.”

  “Well that’s good to hear.” She takes another sip.

  I think about what I was like when my mother died. It wasn’t pretty. Back then, I assumed life would continue the way it always had. That every day would get better and happiness was an unlimited resource. I was very optimistic then. I guess I still am, but it’s more steeped in reality now. When my mom died, my brain literally couldn’t process it, despite the fact that I had been given plenty of warning.

  Looking back at that period now, I recognize that I was only paying attention to the good. I only ever allowed myself to hear that the treatment was working. I heard about the increase in her platelet and red blood cell counts. I saw that she wasn’t weak and throwing up when we went out for her birthday.

  I didn’t see the days when she couldn’t lift her arms, or when she slept on the washroom floor so she wouldn’t throw up in her bed. I didn’t see the scans showing her body lit up in every place imaginable. I wrote those things off as part of the process, just something that we had to pass through on the way to recovery. Because of course she was going to recover. Never once did I think otherwise.

  The day that she died, I was right there holding her hand. She was lying in her bed, and I remember the privacy curtain lightly blowing in the breeze. Her window must have been open, but I don’t remember checking it. That image will stay with me forever. Her face, creased with pain, suddenly at peace. The curtain kept gently blowing, the sun still shining. Nothing changed. I sat there for a long time, waiting for her to take another breath, frozen until Eric put his hand on my shoulder.

  The next few weeks were an incomprehensible blur. Peopl
e have told me that I seemed normal, that they were impressed with my ability to ‘handle’ everything so easily. I wasn’t handling anything, I just checked out.

  We had a simple gathering with those who knew her, to share stories and give closure. The next day, it was like a switch was flipped in me. I lost all motivation to do anything, and I couldn’t explain myself. I spent weeks like this. Eric took care of everything for our family and later discussions have helped me understand that he, too, was terrified and felt helpless. I eventually pulled out of it, but only because of his love and support.

  Of course, Grace doesn’t know that I am in no danger of that happening again. She doesn’t know that I don’t intend to lose Eric. Because I don’t know what else to say, I sip my tea and wait, hoping that this meeting will pass quickly.

  “Well, I guess my fears were unfounded,” she says simply. “Is there anything we can do to support you through this?”

  “I don’t mean to sound naive, Grace. I know it will be a long road. I think I know what warning signs to look for, though. I will let you know if I get desperate.”

  She stands and sets her mug by the sink.

  “Thank you for the tea. I had better get going.”

  I breathe a silent sigh of relief and walk her to the door, politely sending her off. Now to curl up and cry.

  Chapter 37

  I wake the boys early for the celebration. Actually, I wake Bentley and allow him to wake up Tal. With supervision, of course, so it doesn’t get out of hand. My heart is fluttering, and I am having difficulty thinking clearly. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I used the time to pack our lunch and jackets. The boys get dressed quickly, and we head to the public transport station. We don’t have the car this month, so we have to plan in a little extra time to walk down there.

  Tal and Bentley are a little slow this morning, but that’s to be expected. I think anything would feel slow to me, considering I have had to wait an interminably long week for this moment. Every nerve ending in my body is tingling. I am both excited and terrified. I can’t wait to see Eric, but my body screams for answers regarding the aftermath. What will we do? Where will we go? I hope Eric has thought this through. He has more information than I do, so I don’t see the benefit of me getting my heart set on a plan that most likely won’t work.

  The train arrives at the open space, and we step out into the cool morning air. The morning light is barely creeping up along the horizon, hinting a new day, and the air is fresh and clean. The crisp sensation against my cheeks centers me. I hold onto Bentley’s hand, and we follow the map to the balloon launch.

  At first, I worry that we are in the wrong location. I see only vehicles with trailers, spaced out across the field. Checking the map again, I conclude that this is indeed correct. There is a playground nearby, so I invite the boys to go run around for a bit, assuming that the organizers haven’t quite set everything up yet. I sit on a bench and pull out my thermos. Even though it is insulated, the exterior exudes enough heat to warm my hands. I watch Tal and Bent run around, chasing each other as the sun slowly gets brighter, shooting rays of light through the eastern sky.

  I notice what look like large, wrinkled blankets being pulled out along the grass behind us and call the boys over to look. I assume these are the balloons. Sure enough, we see an operator tinkering with a mechanism that shoots out flames, with another person beside him, pointing a fan into a large circular opening in the bag. As it begins to inflate, my eyes widen. This thing is going to be huge. The whole process is very physical. Men and women are hanging on to the basket attached to the balloon, keeping it steady. Others are holding the fans and testing the blowers. We see partially-filled balloons popping up everywhere now, our eyes taking in all of the colors and patterns. It’s magical, and the boys are entranced.

  A hand slides around my waist, and my heart leaps. I turn to face Eric and pull back. It’s Nick. His face suddenly turns from a smile to a look of concern, probably mirroring my own.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

  “No, I’m so sorry, I just wasn’t expecting— ”

  “I know. I thought I would surprise you. When we got together the other day, the boys mentioned that you were hoping to watch the launch. I was planning to be here already, so I thought I would find you guys. I probably should have said something.”

  My heart is racing. Where is Eric? Is he watching this? I specifically didn’t mention anything to Nick, to avoid a situation like this. Leave it to the boys to complicate things. I mentally scold myself for blaming them. I should have said something. But how would I have explained to them that I didn’t want Nick to know? I figured by not saying anything, my chances were higher that they would forget to mention it! I figured wrong.

  I force a smile to my face. “No, it’s fine. I was just surprised, which you just said was your goal right? That was nice of you to look for us.”

  He drops his arms. “I can go watch on my own if you were planning on spending time with the boys,” he offers, looking slightly dejected and confused.

  “No, watch with us for a bit. Then maybe I will spend some alone time with the boys before we take our ride.” Tal and Bentley notice Nick and give him quick hugs before continuing their game of tag. I am desperately hoping that Eric will wait to find us until after Nick leaves. I want so badly to tell Nick what is going on, but I can’t do it. He is so happy to be there. My mind flickers to what I imagine him to be thinking and feeling when he hears the news from someone else. I am selfish and a coward, yes, and I am going to accept that for now. He will be better off without me. Besides, I rationalize, I don’t even know how all of this will end up. I don’t know if Eric has a plan. I would rather wait until I have something more solid to tell.

  We watch the balloons fill and rise to their full height. Standing by the heaters, we feel the warm, dry air on our faces as we watch them begin to leave the earth, growing smaller and smaller in the sky.

  I notice five balloons at the edge of the field that are filled, but still tethered. I assume those are the ones that will be open for rides. I begin to make a plan for our exit. My hands are still in my pockets, even though it’s plenty warm out. I know Nick is probably confused by my standoffish behavior, but if Eric is watching...well, I don’t want to send mixed signals.

  I am about to open my mouth to tell Nick where we are heading, when I see him. Eric. He is walking through the crowd toward us. My heart leaps and then almost immediately sinks when I realize that he is focused on Nick. Though it’s only been a week, Eric almost looks like himself again, the dark shadows only a hint of their previous shade. The boys follow my gaze and see their dad, immediately running toward him.

  “Kate, what’s going on?” Nick questions.

  “Nick…” I start, but Eric and the boys approach before I can finish.

  “Hey Nick,” Eric says gently. He doesn’t embrace me, in what I can only assume is respect. Eric points out another balloon to distract the boys.

  “Eric, what’s going on?” Nick asks quietly. “I don’t think you are supposed to be here.”

  “I’m not,” Eric says. “Kate, why don’t I watch the boys for a minute and you can have a moment with Nick to explain.” He looks at me and in that moment, I know that he knows. He understands what I have done and what Nick and I have been through. A weight seems to physically rise off my body, as if floating into the air like the balloons. He isn’t walking away, even though I tried to.

  Nick looks hurt. “Explain what?” he says. My eyes are already filled with tears. I nod and hold on to Nick’s arm, leading him away from the boys.

  “I’ll meet you at the balloon rides, Kate.” Eric says.

  Nick and I walk arm in arm for a few minutes without saying anything. We come to the gardens, and I lead him to a bench, still covered with morning dew. I sit down anyway, and Nick joins me.

  “What’s going on, Kate?” he asks quietly.

  “Nic
k, I don’t know what to say.” The tears roll down my cheeks. “I wanted to move forward, and you are such an amazing guy, I thought I could. But Eric doesn’t want to, and I can’t do this knowing that he isn’t on board. I just...I can’t. It would eat at me from the inside out. Forever. Knowing that Eric was somewhere miserable, I just…”

  Nick reaches out and pulls me to him. His shoulder quickly becomes damp with my tears. I feel his chest shaking and realize that he is crying, too. I have never seen Nick cry. I hold him close in the best apology embrace I can muster. Eventually, I slip out of his arms and look at him.

  “Is this why you wanted to wait to file for pairing?” he asks.

  “Yes. I’m so sorry I didn’t say something sooner. I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t know if Eric would change his mind.”

  “So you were stringing me along as your second option?” he asks, the hurt evident in his eyes.

  “Nick, I’ve been with Eric for eleven years. Eleven years! We have had children together, worked together, grown older together. Every part of me is connected to him. I wasn’t trying to string you along, I was trying to do what was right. And I didn’t want to hurt you unless I knew...I had to be sure that Eric was sure.”

  Nick’s tone is more intense when he speaks again. “Sure about what? Sure that he wants to do what’s best for him as an individual? He, of all people, should understand the consequences of this action.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to preach to you, I am just shocked that he is so...weak.”

  My cheeks burn. Eric is anything but weak. I breathe, acknowledging the position I have put him in, and take a moment before responding. The last thing I want to do is offend Nick when I am the one turning his world upside down.