Tier Trilogy: Books 1-3

by Cindy Gunderson

  “What is happening?” Bentley asks.

  I breathe. “I don’t really know,” I say. “Dad’s research has made it so we need to make some adjustments, but Dad and I don’t want to be apart. Somehow we haven’t been able to make the choice that is best for the most people.” I don’t really know how to explain this. “We are stuck. Berg is trying to help us. I know it’s really hard, guys.”

  “I don’t want to be split up!” Tal shouts. “This is crazy!”

  He obviously understands more than I gave him credit for.

  “I don’t want that either. But do you remember when we used that machine on the tour? How good it felt? They are going to use that to help us all get through it,” I assure him.

  What else can I say? I am at a loss. They don’t want this. Yet, here we are. I know their brains are malleable enough that they will likely be fine after just a couple of sessions.

  “But why? I don’t understand why this is happening,” Tal says. My eyes snap to Eric. It won’t hurt to tell them the whole story. It will be gone from their brains after today, anyway.

  Eric starts. He explains everything. How his research was used to create pairs and how I was paired with Nick. He lays everything out factually, but stops when he gets to the part where he came back for the ceremony. Bentley and Tal are both looking at him expectantly. I jump in.

  “Dad came home because he was having a really hard time being away from us. He thought he would never get to be with us again. We talked, and he told me what was going on. It was so helpful for me to have more information.” I pause. “Have either of you had a situation where you assumed one thing and then found out more information that helped?”

  “Like right now!” Bentley says excitedly. “I thought you and Dad didn’t love each other anymore. But really, you were trying to do a good thing.”

  His comments pierce my heart. Did it really seem to him that Eric and I didn’t love each other? I thought I had been able to play off his absences without disrupting their opinions. I guess not.

  “That’s a great example, Bent. I’m sorry we didn’t say anything sooner.”

  “It would have been helpful,” says Tal.

  “Do you understand why we couldn’t, though?” Eric says. “I wasn’t even supposed to tell your Mom. I was supposed to let her move forward with Nick. I just...couldn’t. I am not strong enough to lose you all. That’s why we are here.” He clears his throat in an effort to hold back tears. “We are here because I wasn’t able to go through with a course of action that would have been best for society. I couldn’t give you guys up. And now… I’m going to lose you anyway. I just won’t know it.”

  “It’s okay, Dad,” Tal says. We all sit there. It’s not often that life with two boys is quiet, but in this moment, they are unconscionably still.

  Tal speaks first. “What is going to happen? Are we still going to be with you?”

  “I don’t know,” Eric answers. “They haven’t given us much information, and I’m sure it’s because they don’t feel like it matters anymore. We really don’t have a say in anything at this point. We just have to trust that they will use the evidence to determine the best option for all of us.”

  I do believe that Berg has everyone’s best interest at heart. I do. But it is a terrifying feeling to have someone else in control of your family. Taking charge of your life. My mind desperately craves some control over the situation.

  “So what do we do now?” Bentley asks, always the rational problem solver.

  I don’t know how to answer that. What do I say to the people I love most when I am not sure if I will see them again? How do I express the strong emotions I hold for them?

  Eric says, “We just enjoy these last few moments together. Enjoy being who we are now. We had a pretty great run, didn’t we?”

  My throat constricts. Eric looks at me and smiles. He rises and moves toward me, his motions so familiar that they comfort me. The boys stand up, too. Eric reaches down and pulls up Bentley’s pants and I laugh. I guess we didn’t ever get that one solved. He looks both boys in the eyes and tells them he loves them. I drop to my knees and hug each of them, intently. Individually. Then Eric asks them if he can talk with me privately for a moment. They sit down obediently, pretending as if they aren’t waiting to absorb every word.

  “Hi,” he murmurs, looping his arms around my waist. He pulls me close.

  “Hi,” I say. “Not quite the day I had planned for us.”

  “What did you have planned?” he asks.

  “Lots of entertainment for the boys,” I whisper conspiratorially.

  “Seems like that would leave us on our own,” he says, softly kissing my cheek.

  “Huh,” I say, heat rising to my face. “Pretty sure they are watching us in here.”

  “Does it look like I care?” Eric says, moving his hands under the back of my shirt. It’s so familiar. I am losing all of this. All of this knowing. A wave of emotion swells up from my gut and I suppress a sob. His fingertips press into my back as he crushes me to his chest. His breathing becomes shallow, and I bury my face in his neck, tears streaming down my cheeks, soaking his shirt collar. We stay frozen like this for what seems like hours—yet not nearly long enough.

  “I love you, Kate,” he whispers. His voice is coarse and shaky. “I don’t care if that makes me weak or hinders me from doing my societal duty. I believe in my research. I know it will make the world a better place, and even then, I can’t force myself to leave you. I made myself physically ill trying.”

  I push back and look up at him, trying to gain some semblance of clarity.

  “You do look terrible,” I choke out, and he laughs heartily, coughing at the unexpectedness of it.

  “Thanks for validating my self-diagnosis,” he says when he can breathe again.

  “Sorry, I think I am a bit hysterical,” I say, patting his face. The contact with his stubbled chin immediately sobers me. “I don’t want to do this, Eric. And I am so sorry that I moved forward with everything...with Nick. I was trying to do what I thought— ”

  Eric puts his fingers on my lips. “No, it’s okay. You are amazing. I am so grateful that you were willing to be strong. Sorry I couldn’t be.”

  The door opens and our heads whip around. It’s Shari. Our time is up. I look back at Eric. He leans down and kisses me deeply. Bentley clings to our legs, and Tal hugs me around my waist. I give them all one last, desperate hug, and then we follow Shari out into the hallway.

  Chapter 42

  The stiff back of the chair supports me while the electrodes are placed on the sides of my head, the metal cool against my skin. I can’t stop shaking; my hands and feet feel freezing, almost numb. My jaw is chattering so violently that Shari notices.

  “Kate, are you comfortable? Are you cold?”

  I don’t answer. Anything that I say right now will be put through my current emotional filter, and I don’t want to hurt Shari any more than I already have. She opens a cupboard, removing a blanket from the top shelf. She gently wraps it around my shoulders and tucks it between my back and the chair to prevent it from slipping. I look at her, and she meets my gaze, seeming almost apologetic.

  A voice breaks the silence, coming from the speakers overhead. “Kate, we are going to go ahead and start the session. There won’t be any pain. There will likely be a warm and tingly sensation along your skin where the electrodes are located. We anticipate it being a mostly pleasant experience. As discussed, this first session will be the longest. Are you comfortable?”

  Though comfort is not remotely possible at this point, I nod nonetheless.

  The machine begins to hum and warmth diffuses into the skin near my temples. It isn’t uncomfortable, just...strange...

  __________

  “Hi Kate.” It’s Eric. I have been so excited for this date. Something about this guy feels different and I tell myself not to blow it.

  “Hey, it’s good to see you.”

  “Are you ready to go?
”

  “Yep.”

  He stands there and smiles for a minute, just looking at me. I shift my weight, my heart pounding, waiting for him to say something. He motions to my pants. Looking down, I realize that I am still wearing my pajama bottoms.

  “Oh! Wow. That...is embarrassing. I’m sorry. I will go change really quick.” I rush back to my room. How did I forget to change my pants? I had been looking forward to this all day, but I was also working on a lot of cleaning and preparation for conditioning on Monday. And these bottoms are extremely comfortable. I guess it slipped my mind. I quickly put on some actual pants and throw my pajamas on the bed. Eric is still waiting patiently when I emerge properly dressed.

  “I personally would have been fine with you wearing those pants, but I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” he grins. “I would wear pajamas all day, if I could.”

  “Well, apparently I was living the dream today,” I laugh nervously. He reaches for my hand and we walk down the steps.

  __________

  I poke Eric. I don’t know what time it is, but I am exhausted and I can hear Tal crying again. His turn. He groans and shifts positions. I poke harder. He begins to stir and I immediately shut my eyes, adopting my typical sleeping breathing pattern. I know it is a cowardly move, but I don’t want to explain why I am not getting up. I have already woken twice, and I physically can’t do it right now.

  Eric registers the cries and rolls out of bed. A few moments later, I hear him talking to Tal, who quiets down. Now that he is up, I feel a pang of regret. With my mind buzzing, it’s unlikely that I will actually be able to go back to sleep. I sit up and figure I could go apologize and take over.

  Glancing at the clock, I see that it has only been an hour since I was last with Tal. He can’t possibly be hungry already, so why is he awake? I yawn and stumble down the hall, stopping short when I hear Eric humming. Slowly walking the last few steps, I peek through the door. There isn’t a light on in the room, but moonlight streams through the window, giving off a heavenly glow, and it’s just enough light to make out Eric sitting in our rocking chair. Tal is bundled up against his chest, and Eric is gently patting him, rocking back and forth, humming a lullaby. Warmth swells in my chest, and I prop myself against the door frame for balance. I remain a silent voyeur, not wanting to disturb the sacredness of this moment.

  __________

  I am yelling. Screaming. Slamming cupboards in the kitchen.

  “It’s too much! I can’t take it, Eric! I don’t want to do anything right now, and they won’t leave me alone. The boys need things from me at every moment. They are hungry, sad, fighting, or touching me. Constantly touching me! I just want to be by myself. For even an hour! I want to curl up in the closet and never come back out, okay? If you want to know how I feel, that’s it. I love them so much and...and I really hate them. I know it sounds ridiculous and weak and horrifying, but it’s true. I am just so sad…” the sobs escape from my throat involuntarily.

  Eric rushes to me and holds my head against his chest. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds me. I lean into him, breathing in the fresh scent of his recently laundered shirt, and let him carry most of my weight for a moment. Not having to hold myself up is salvation. I have barely been sustaining myself for days. When my limbs stops shaking, Eric turns my face up to his.

  “Kate, it doesn’t sound weak or horrifying. It sounds like you need some help. Maybe more than I can give.”

  I start to object, but he cuts me off. “I don’t mean you need help like you aren’t good enough. I mean that after a woman has a baby, hormones are crazy and can sometimes be out of proportion in your brain. There could physically be a problem, and I think we need to get it checked out. Just like we would get it checked out if you broke your arm. I know you haven’t been wearing your sensor lately— ”

  “It’s so tight— ” I whimper.

  “I know. I totally understand. I just wonder if maybe there is some physical data we are missing. Would you be willing to go in with me tomorrow? I can take care of the boys and call Shari to help. I know you aren’t totally sure that I can handle them by myself— ”

  “It’s not that, I— ”

  “It is that, and I get it. If I had come home to you trying to fix the door while Bentley was crying in the chair, I probably would have questioned it, too. But just for the record, it had literally only been two minutes and I was so close to finishing.”

  I laugh, giddy.

  “What do you say?”

  I nod. “I don’t want to find out that I’m...broken.” I choke back a sob.

  “I know you aren’t broken. I simply want you to feel like yourself again. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  __________

  “This is it!” Eric says, raising his hands over his head.

  I scan the exterior of our new home. It’s breathtakingly perfect. Sloped roof, forsythia blooming around the steps, original brick. I don’t know how it’s in such great condition, but I am over the moon that it’s ours. The houses on both sides of us have obviously been renovated. They must have been in much worse condition than this one. We got lucky. Eric lifts me up and cradles me in his arms. He walks up the steps, trying to make it seem easy, but I can feel his chest heaving a little. I am not tiny, and this is completely ridiculous. I laugh out loud.

  “Don’t laugh! I’m doing so well!” Eric grunts.

  We get to the door and he fiddles with the knob, realizing it’s locked. I start to push off to get down, but he stops me.

  “Nope! I am doing this. Just...let me get the key out my pocket.”

  I burst into more laughter, feeling his contorting arms.

  “Why is it locked in the first place? Nobody locks their doors,” I say, attempting to commiserate.

  “I think it’s just been empty for awhile. Maybe making sure nobody accidentally comes in?”

  He finds the key and it turns easily. The door swings into the entry and we bumble into the house.

  “Now, I will give you the tour!” Eric announces, breathing heavy, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

  Our laughter makes it difficult to remain upright. He struggles into the kitchen and living room, but can’t quite reach our bedroom without my legs slipping. I quickly hop down and move behind him, jumping on his back.

  “Try this, less arm work,” I suggest between giggles.

  He laughs, his breath coming in short bursts. “Perfect!” Walking the last few steps into the bedroom, he throws me on the bed in a victorious maneuver. We both laugh until our stomach muscles ache. I take a deep breath and look over at him. He is mine. This is our house. It all seems surreal.

  Rolling over, he places his hand on my cheek and traces my jawline. Heat explodes underneath his fingertips. I stare into his eyes as his nose grazes mine and then he slowly kisses my lips. I close my eyes, and everything fades to black.

  Chapter 43

  Epilogue

  “Nick!” I call. “Nick! Come here! You have to see this!” His footsteps echo down the hall as he comes running.

  “What is it?” he asks nervously.

  “Come here,” I laugh. “Sit down and just watch for a second.” I point at my protruding belly as it rises and falls with my breath.

  “I don’t see anything,” he says, obviously disappointed.

  “Just be patient! Watch closely.” Of course, as soon as we are paying attention, the babies have gone still. After another minute, though, I feel movement.

  “There! Did you see that?” My eyebrows shoot up and I whip my face toward his, watching for his reaction.

  “I think so…” Nick says, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “Oh wow, I definitely saw that one. And that one! Whoa, that is insane! I can’t believe those are little people in there.” He places his hand tenderly on my bare skin and feels the tiny kicks.

  It’s been so long since I felt this. Bentley is already eight years old. After Eric passed, I was so nervous about pairing again.
At the time, I said it was because I didn’t think that Bent could handle it, but I recognize now that it was me I was trying to protect. No part of me wanted to be vulnerable again. I honestly wasn’t convinced that it was even possible.

  Nick and I had known each other through work. I was always attracted to him, but he was young enough that I didn’t consider him a viable option. Plus, I was so busy and focused on my service and Bent that I hadn’t made dating a priority. I probably should have. When my parents died, I retreated into myself for a few years. I don’t know that I would have paired organically had Nick and I not been given the opportunity to pair through Berg’s new research program. When we found out about our pairing numbers from the Committee, it shocked both of us. There was some new research that came out a couple of years ago, specifically focused on matching for disease eradication and...we matched. Nick was—amazingly—completely willing to pair, despite the fact that we didn’t know each other very well. I was more hesitant. It felt like such an intense life shift, and I had Bent to think about. Eventually, Bentley and I made the decision together.

  “I’m almost finished putting those shelves up in the bedroom,” Nick says, still running his fingertips along my taut skin, sending tingles up my arms.

  “That’s great, thanks so much for doing that,” I sigh, relieved. He gives my belly a final rub and heads back to his task. I watch him go, admiring his strong physique. Turning my head to the kitchen, I notice the time. Bentley should be home from conditioning soon. We live close enough that he can walk back to the neighborhood with his afternoon group.

  My heart swells within me, myriad emotions wrestling for control. I loved Eric. I wish we had been given more time. One year wasn’t enough, and I don’t even remember details well enough at this point to give Bent more information about his dad. I was such a mess during that time, I didn’t even keep anything of his to pass on. Another kick to my bladder brings me back to the present. I stand up and head into the kitchen to prepare an afternoon snack for all of us. No more regrets. I have Nick and soon-to-be three beautiful children. Life may not have turned out how I expected, but I love and am loved. I can’t ask for more than that.