Find the Girl

by Lucy Connell

  ‘You’re right, Nancy,’ Mum says, getting up and coming to plonk herself down between us on the sofa. She puts her arms round our shoulders and pulls us to her. ‘If anything, he’s just shown that, no matter what, our family is stronger than ever.’

  ‘Exactly.’ I smile, nestling into her shoulder. ‘Nothing can break us. Certainly not him.’

  ‘Right, now that’s out of the way,’ Mum says, pulling her arms back so she can dab her eyes with a tissue from her pocket, ‘who would like a cupcake?’

  ‘I’d love one!’ I say, picking one from the plate she offers.

  ‘You’re only allowed one, Nina, if you don’t eat it like a squirrel,’ Nancy says.

  ‘I do NOT eat like a squirrel,’ I protest, nibbling the edge.

  ‘How is everything with Chase, Nina?’ Mum asks, giving Nancy a cupcake and then taking one for herself. ‘Have you sorted everything out?’

  ‘Things are better, thanks to Nancy.’ I smile, making her blush. ‘I know I’ve already said it, but thanks for going to speak to him.’

  She shrugs. ‘No problem. It was my fault in the first place. Have you guys talked everything out now?’

  ‘We’ve chatted on the phone a few times, but he’s been really busy and I’ve got my performance to focus on …’

  ‘Speaking of which, is he coming to the showcase this weekend?’ Mum asks hopefully.

  ‘Fingers crossed. Obviously the press conference has already been held since the news came out a little earlier than expected, so technically it solves the problem of him being free on Saturday.’ I let out a sigh. ‘But, because the news is so huge, there’s been a hundred press requests that have come flooding in and he’s swamped. The whole band has been manic all week.’

  ‘That doesn’t surprise me. They must have had even more reporters bothering them than we’ve had,’ Mum notes, rolling her eyes. ‘Thank goodness they’ve lost interest as the week’s gone on. Some of them even pretended to be customers coming into the shop!’

  ‘I suppose they realized that they weren’t going to get any comments from us and the only pictures they’d get were of Nina and me going to and from school,’ says Nancy. ‘Not exactly that interesting. Although it was quite funny seeing our headmistress giving them that big telling-off on Monday when one of them dared set a foot inside the school gates.’

  I giggle. ‘They were terrified of her! Celebrities should hire her whenever the paparazzi are bothering them.’

  ‘And what about Miles?’ Mum says, turning to Nancy. ‘Have you spoken?’

  She shakes her head. ‘He’s still angry at me. But don’t worry – I’ve got a plan to try to win him over.’

  Mum and I share a confused look.

  ‘You do?’ I ask. ‘What is it?’

  ‘You’ll see,’ she says, finishing her last bite of cupcake and then snuggling into Mum. ‘But trust me – if it doesn’t get his attention, then nothing will.’

  The sound of Caroline’s heels crossing the stage echoes through the silence around the concert hall. The spotlight follows her to where she stops, centre stage.

  ‘Good evening, I am very pleased and proud to welcome you to our showcase this evening. The students have worked very hard this term and we could not be happier with their progress. Tonight, you will be witnessing some very bright stars of the future and I’m sure that their talent will blow you away …’

  Deciding not to listen to the rest of her welcome speech as it’s making me too nervous, I duck out of the wings and down the steps into the green room where some other students, also too nervous to wait in the wings, are milling around, preparing themselves for their performance. Grace is standing in a corner doing some breathing exercises. She grins as I walk in and beckons me over to her.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ she asks, shaking out her hands.

  ‘Like I’m about to throw up everywhere,’ I say, clutching my crumpled sheet music.

  ‘Me too,’ says Grace. ‘I think that’s the adrenaline. Apparently, it’s a good thing. Did you get a glimpse of the audience?’

  ‘I tried but the lights are shining too brightly on to the stage. I can’t see any faces. When they were all coming in it sounded like there were a lot of people.’

  ‘Nico told me that a few journalists tried to sneak in as audience members, but the Matchmaker gave them some very stern words and sent them packing,’ Grace says with a grin. ‘He said one of them looked as though they might start crying. Apparently it was very entertaining. I wouldn’t like to be on the Matchmaker’s bad side!’

  ‘Me neither,’ I say. ‘Although I think a few reporters are still lurking outside hoping for a picture.’

  ‘Do you think Chase is in the audience?’ she asks carefully.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘I hope so; he messaged this morning saying he was going to try to make it, but –’ I take a deep breath and roll my shoulders back confidently – ‘it doesn’t matter whether he’s in the audience or not. I know I can do this by myself.’

  ‘Too right you can,’ she says, before noticing someone over my shoulder. ‘Oh, it looks like the Matchmaker wants a word with you before you go on.’

  I turn round to see Caroline watching us by the door of the green room. She must have finished her welcome speech and the first student must be onstage. I’m up second. As she catches my eye, she gestures for me to join her.

  ‘I better go,’ I groan, dreading whatever Caroline is going to say. ‘When are you onstage?’

  ‘Right after you.’ Grace smiles. ‘Don’t raise the bar too high, Palmer.’

  I grin at her and then reluctantly leave her to her breathing exercises and walk to where Caroline is patiently waiting, her arms folded.

  ‘Are you ready?’ she asks, eyeing me up and down.

  I nod. ‘I think so. I don’t really have the time not to be ready now. I’m onstage in a few minutes.’

  ‘Yes,’ Caroline says thoughtfully. ‘I wanted to speak to you before you went on.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’ll be able to remember any last-minute corrections,’ I say hurriedly, knowing that if she points a mistake out now, I might lose my focus on everything else.

  ‘It’s not a correction.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Nina, did I ever tell you why I liked your audition?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘I saw something in you, Nina Palmer,’ she says, prodding my arm. ‘A connection to the music. And then you came here and spent your time trying to be someone that you’re not. Music doesn’t hide us; it opens us up. It makes us vulnerable and it also makes us powerful. That’s what I’ve been trying to teach you, along with all the technical work. And I wanted to say that in this morning’s dress run, you got it. I saw that you had finally got it.’

  I smile. ‘I was reminded recently why I played the piano in the first place.’

  ‘Good. And you’ve been practising so much over the term that your technical ability has come on beautifully.’ She leans down to look me right in the eye. ‘You’re a wonderful pianist, Nina, with great potential. I would like to work with you further and see what you can really do.’

  ‘You would?’ I whisper, hardly daring to believe what she’s saying.

  ‘I would,’ she says without hesitation.

  ‘Nina Palmer!’ A girl with a headset on pokes her head through the door to the green room. ‘Nina Palmer is on next.’

  ‘She’s coming,’ Caroline tells her, before turning back to me and holding out her hands. ‘Do you need your sheet music?’

  ‘No,’ I say, passing it to her. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘I didn’t think you did. Now, off you go. Good luck.’

  ‘Thanks, Caroline,’ I say, beaming up at her. ‘And thank you for everything this term, for being so patient with me. I hope my lessons weren’t too much hard work.’

  She lets out a ‘Ha!’ and then shakes her head. She holds open the door for me and speaks in a low voice, so no one else can hear, ‘Try teaching Jordan. N
ow, that is hard work.’

  I’m still smiling to myself at her comment as I walk up the steps to the wings and it’s only when I look out at the piano sitting in the middle of the stage that I realize I’m about to do this. My whole body tenses and my stomach starts churning. My hands begin to shake and I can’t stop it. The loud applause – and I mean loud; there must be a LOT of people in that audience – for the first student eventually dies down and Caroline steps out to announce my name as the next performer.

  Wondering whether I should run away, the concert hall erupts into applause and Caroline walks back off the stage towards me.

  ‘You’re OK,’ she says. ‘You’re doing what you love. Yes?’

  ‘I’m doing what I love,’ I repeat hoarsely.

  TJ, Nico, Florence and Grace gather around me in the wings and start clapping along with the audience encouragingly. Caroline places a hand on my back and gives me a gentle nudge forward on to the stage. I stumble into the spotlight and take my place at the piano stool. I don’t look out at the audience as the room descends into silence. I don’t bow or introduce myself. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and open them again, ready to focus. My neck damp with sweat and my mouth so dry that I can’t swallow, I put my hands up on to the piano keys.

  This is it. I’ve been working towards this. And here I am. On my own. At this beautiful piano. I forget about Dad and how much he’s hurt me. I forget about my relationship problems with Chase. I forget about trying to get a place on the Guildhall summer school. I forget about everything except for the one thing Caroline reminded me of: I’m here, doing what I love.

  I start playing my favourite Austin Golding song. The music that Mr Rogers had put into that envelope with a scribbled note that read: I think you’ve been looking for this.

  I have no idea if I’m playing well. I’m so lost in the song that I don’t think about whether I’m getting everything right; or whether I’m remembering all those scribbles I wrote in the margins of the music; or whether my facial expression is attractive when I play; or if everyone will think that this music is too easy and simple for a Guildhall student.

  I don’t care about any of that. I’m loving every moment of it. The acoustics in the hall are incredible and the music sounds so beautiful in here. A rush of warmth flows through me as I play. When I come to the end of the piece, I’ve forgotten there’s an audience at all.

  I play the last note, which echoes through the silence. I let it linger and then take my foot off the pedal. The hall suddenly erupts into cheers and applause, and I remember what’s happening. Hurriedly standing up, I look out at a sea of faces and my legs instantly turn to jelly. Steadying myself by placing one hand on the piano, I do an awkward bow thing and then race off the stage as quickly as possible, straight into the arms of someone who steps out to catch me as I trip into the wings.

  ‘Chase!’ I cry, gripping on to him. ‘You’re here!’

  ‘Of course, I’m here,’ he says, and then, without saying anything else, he kisses me.

  When he pulls away, I’m smiling so much my jaw is already aching. He brushes my hair off my cheek, tucking it behind my ear, and I’m so engrossed in his mesmerizing sea-blue eyes that I almost miss Grace passing us to take her place onstage.

  ‘You were incredible, Nina,’ she whispers. ‘I’ll see you on the other side!’

  ‘Good luck!’ I tell her, as she stands up straight, lifts her chin and glides on to the stage to rapturous applause as though she belongs there.

  If adrenaline was pumping through my veins before the performance, afterwards it’s gone into overdrive and now that Chase is here, standing right in front of me, I really feel like I might burst with happiness.

  ‘Nina,’ Chase whispers, holding me close, ‘after we watch Grace’s performance, can we talk somewhere?’

  I nod and turn to look out at the stage, while he stands behind me, wrapping his arms round my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. He’s here. Of course, he’s here.

  Grace launches into her song, ‘Listen’ from Dreamgirls, and sings it so beautifully that my eyes fill with tears. I hear a sharp intake of breath from Chase as he witnesses her performing for the first time and remember when I first heard her sing at the start of the course. I don’t know how she has got even better, but she has. When her song finishes, I whoop so enthusiastically that my throat feels hoarse. She walks offstage and nervously asks us whether she did OK.

  ‘You have a really beautiful voice,’ Chase tells her, and she covers her face with her hands in excitement.

  ‘Chase Hunter said I have a beautiful voice,’ she squeals, making me laugh out loud.

  Leaving her to be congratulated by James, who approaches her with a dopey look on his face, Chase links his fingers through mine and leads me down the steps.

  ‘There are some other rooms down the corridor from the green room,’ I tell him, as he holds open the door for me. ‘I’m sure one will –’

  ‘Nina,’ Jordan interrupts, coming out of the green room.

  I feel Chase tense next to me, but not even Jordan can dampen my mood right now.

  ‘Hey, Jordan, good luck for your performance. You’re on in a bit, right?’

  He nods. ‘Thanks. And I wanted to say that I saw you play and –’ he hesitates, searching for the words and then clears his throat – ‘it wasn’t what I expected. As in, I may have been too quick to judge you. As a pianist, I mean.’

  ‘OK,’ I say, glancing at Chase who looks as confused as I feel.

  ‘What I’m trying to say,’ Jordan continues with a sigh, ‘is that you were good. Really good. Even if it was an Austin Golding piece.’

  ‘Thanks, Jordan.’ I smile at how difficult he found that to say.

  He nods awkwardly and then heads through the door to wait in the wings.

  ‘That was weird,’ Chase says, as I lead him into a small practice room down the corridor. ‘I think that was a compliment, but I’m not entirely sure.’

  ‘Me neither,’ I admit, taking a seat, ‘but it’s the nicest thing he’s ever said to me, so I must have played well.’

  ‘Are you joking? You were amazing out there,’ Chase says, sitting down opposite me. ‘Nina, I’ve never seen you play like that before. How did you do it?’

  I smile, my cheeks burning. ‘I’m not sure. I forgot about everything that’s been happening lately and let myself love the music again.’

  ‘Well, there’s a talent scout from the Chasing Chords label here,’ he says, lifting his eyebrows. ‘I saw him watching you with great interest.’

  ‘He must be here on Dad’s instruction.’

  Chase nods slowly. ‘I’m sorry about what happened with your dad. He’s an idiot.’

  ‘Yeah, he is.’

  ‘Are you OK about it?’

  I hesitate. ‘I feel sad about what could have been. I thought he really cared about me and it would have been nice to have a dad again. But I’ll get over it. He doesn’t deserve a family and I won’t be letting him near mine ever again. Besides, I don’t need him. I’ve got Mum, Nancy and Jimmy in the audience and I know they’ll always be there –’ I smile up at Chase – ‘and, best of all, you’re here. I can’t believe you made it.’

  ‘That’s what I wanted to talk about.’ He reaches forward and takes my hand in his warm grip. ‘You shouldn’t ever have to doubt that I will make it to be in the audience for you. I want a solo career, Nina – but, more than that, I want you. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around when you’ve needed me most. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems that I haven’t been there for you. I really hope you can forgive me. You’re the best person I know. I don’t want to lose you. I was so focused on my music career that I’ve been missing out on what I already have, and I don’t want to be living in the future. I want to be living in the now. With you. From now on, I promise to make sure that we make time for each other. No matter what is going on. You’re my priority.’

  He glances down at his feet n
ervously and continues in a quieter, less confident tone. ‘Obviously, I understand if you want some time or space after everything that’s happened. I said some stupid stuff and I know I haven’t been a brilliant boyfriend, so if you need to think about things, then that’s absolutely fine. I just wanted to let you know where I stand.’

  ‘I don’t need time or space,’ I say, so happy that I’m barely able to get the words out. ‘I never want to lose you. Ever. That all sounds good to me. I haven’t exactly been a perfect girlfriend either, so I’m sorry, too. We’ll both make this work, no matter what.’

  He grins, squeezing my hands tightly, and then pulls me to my feet.

  ‘Nina, I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while, but I kept getting too nervous that you maybe weren’t there yet. But right now I don’t care if you are or not – I’m going to say it anyway.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I am head over heels, completely and utterly in love with you.’

  There it is. Just like that. The L-word. And it’s even more wonderful to hear than I imagined.

  ‘Well, that’s lucky.’ I bring my eyes up to meet his, my heart somersaulting. ‘Because I’m in love with you, too.’

  He smiles, his dimples deepening in that way I adore, and then wraps his arms round me, lifting me up off my feet and spinning me round like we’re in a cheesy Hollywood film, making me burst out laughing. I can’t quite believe that it’s really possible to be this happy.

  I’m staring up at Chase’s sparkling eyes, thinking about how perfect he is and how perfect this moment is, when it’s interrupted by a polite knocking on the door. Grace pops her head round and smiles at us apologetically.

  ‘They’ve nearly finished setting up for the group performance. Are you ready, Nina?’

  ‘I’d almost forgotten,’ I say, turning to Chase. ‘I’d better go. I’ll meet you afterwards.’

  ‘I’ll be here.’ He grins, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Oh, and in case she’s wondering, tell Nancy that I did as she asked.’

  I’m so dizzy with happiness that I don’t really think about what he’s said until he’s gone back to take his seat in the audience and I’m standing in the wings with the other students, waiting to take our places on the stage. What is he talking about? What did Nancy ask him to do? And he’ll see her before me when they wait for me after the show, won’t he? Why can’t he tell her himself?