Reckless With You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  But that’s not how things worked. That’s not how things ever worked.

  Tucker needed space. Needed to do this on his own and figure out exactly what to do about the possibility of having a son and everything that came with it. He didn’t need me and my problems on top of that.

  “Call Devin. I’m going to go. Leave you alone.”

  Why wasn’t I crying? I felt like I should be crying, my eyes stung, and my heart hurt, but I didn’t let even one tear fall. I simply looked at him. I wanted things to be better, but I really wasn’t good at this.

  I’d never been good at this.

  “Yeah, you should go. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “I’m sure.”

  And then I walked away, leaving him behind.

  Just as we’d been when we started this arrangement, we’d end up friends. No matter what.

  But it wasn’t the same. And I didn’t think we would end up where we should.

  But I couldn’t worry about my heart, about the fact that it was breaking again. Or that I felt as if I were drowning.

  Because I wasn’t the center of the story here.

  That little boy and whatever Tucker was dealing with was.

  Tucker didn’t need me. He had Devin, and he had himself.

  I would only be in the way.

  “Tucker doesn’t need me,” I said aloud to myself. He didn’t want me.

  But I would be fine.

  I just hoped that I wouldn’t break again. And if Tucker truly needed to reach out, he knew that I’d be there for him.

  But I didn’t know if he would take that step.

  Chapter 17

  Tucker

  The Christmas music playing in the halls of the hospital made my teeth hurt and reminded me I hadn’t really slept in the days since Melinda had first come by.

  I knew they did it because it was Christmas Eve and the holidays were here, and some people needed joy, but all I could do was wonder why the hell they thought this was okay.

  Children were crying in some of the rooms, parents trying to be stoic when they didn’t have answers.

  Overworked doctors and nurses and lab techs and radiologists milled about. There was just so much pain and sadness in this hospital, the same one I worked in, that playing Christmas music seemed almost obtuse.

  But then I remembered the smiling little girl as one of my coworkers, dressed as Santa, visited each child to give them a gift.

  Hanukkah had been over for a couple of days, but there had been an electric menorah for the children, as well. There were many holidays celebrated within these halls because sometimes you had to cling to what was good, what was right, and what made children smile when it felt like there was no hope in the darkness.

  It was just odd to think that, sometimes, there was no hope in that darkness. Perhaps I would need to figure out my own hope.

  “Are you okay?” Robbie asked as he took a seat next to me in the hall.

  I looked at the man who had raised Evan, who had married Melinda, and who seemed like a good guy. I tried to figure out what he must be thinking right then.

  The little boy that he had raised, who he’d held the day he was born, was sick—and he couldn’t help him.

  I didn’t know what I would do in that situation, I felt like I was merely going through the motions now, like a robot with nothing inside as I made decisions and figured out what to do.

  “I should ask how you’re doing,” I said, looking over at the man. He had a full beard, one that he hadn’t taken care of in a while it seemed, but there wasn’t much time for that. Not when Evan was in and out of hospitals, and today, he’d actually been admitted and wouldn’t be released again this year.

  Instead, Evan and his family would be spending Christmas and into the New Year in the hospital. But, hopefully, the little boy would be able to walk out on his own power one day soon.

  Not that I had met him yet.

  No, we were waiting on that.

  I hadn’t talked to Amelia these last four days. Hadn’t called Devin. Hadn’t talked to anyone.

  I was such a fucking idiot.

  But I didn’t know what to say to them. And maybe that’s why Amelia had wanted to make up that big lie because she hadn’t known what to do.

  She’d made the wrong choice, and I’d helped her do it, yet I wasn’t doing any better now.

  Why was it so easy to help others, but when it came to yourself, you couldn’t do a damn thing and just wanted to hide?

  But that was me. It’s what I had done my entire life. After all, if I didn’t lean on anyone, if I didn’t rely on them, they couldn’t let me down.

  My parents had died, and even though it wasn’t their fault, some part of me had blamed them when I was a kid.

  Because they were gone, and I’d needed them.

  There hadn’t been a damn thing I could do about it.

  And then nobody wanted a kid with asthma. Nobody wanted a kid with night terrors and all that shit.

  So, I’d stayed with the state until they kicked me out on my eighteenth birthday.

  I had Devin’s family now—well, at least I had been when we’d been kids.

  But I wasn’t using them.

  I was ignoring Devin’s calls. Something I hated, but as I didn’t know what to say, that’s what ended up being best. Maybe.

  He had told me that he would kick my ass if I hurt Amelia, and I remembered the look on her face when I told her to get out. Even while not using those exact words, I figured I’d hurt her.

  She would be better off without me, though.

  Better off without all my new complications for sure. And as a man who didn’t like complications, who actively avoided them, this put me way out of my comfort zone.

  I didn’t know what to do next.

  All I did know was that I didn’t want to put any of the responsibility on Amelia’s shoulders.

  And I didn’t know how I was going to face her brothers.

  My best fucking friends.

  But Devin wasn’t here, mostly because no one knew where I was.

  If he had known, he’d probably be here.

  But I was good at hiding, proficient at doing things on my own.

  “You okay? No, that’s really not a good question, is it? You seem so lost.”

  I cleared my head of my thoughts and looked over at Robbie.

  “It seems like everything is happening all at once and yet not fast enough,” I said, leaning back in my chair.

  Robbie let out a humorous laugh. “Tell me about it. We’ve been dealing with this for a year or so now. I don’t even know how long it’s been any more, truth be told. Melinda could give you the dates. She knows every one to come, too. Every piece of data, everything she has to know about the doctors. That’s what she’s good at, you know? The organizing and the math and anything that she can put her hands on.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I said, holding back a wince.

  “No, I don’t suppose you did. You two really weren’t a couple or anything.”

  There was no censure in the man’s tone, nothing that belayed the fact that maybe Melinda and I had cheated, even though, technically, they hadn’t been together at the time.

  Everything was so fucking complicated, but there was no more running from it. No more hiding.

  “No. I didn’t really get to know her like I should have.”

  I didn’t really get to know any of the women I’d been with. Except for Amelia. I knew her.

  But that didn’t matter. Because of the big mistake. No matter how many times I told myself that it had to be fake, I thought maybe it wasn’t. And I’d told Devin I wouldn’t hurt her, but it didn’t matter in the end.

  Because I had.

  And there was no fixing that.

  “Well, I’m kind of glad you didn’t get to know her. Because if you had, she wouldn’t have come back to me.”

  “I’m glad you have her. You have each other.”

  “Me, too. Before
Evan came along, she was the best thing in my life. Our fight that made us break up was so stupid. About school, of all things.” I frowned, looking over at him. “I wanted to go back to school, something I didn’t end up doing in the end because I got a promotion at work and everything worked out. But she didn’t want to put her career on hold and pay for me to go or some shit like that. It was just so stupid because I would have figured it out on my own. But she thought that we needed to do it together, even though it didn’t all fall on her. It didn’t really matter in the end, though, because she came back, and we had each other. And then Evan.”

  “Yeah, you had Evan.”

  “You’re going to meet him soon, that much I can promise you.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  Robbie shrugged, not looking at me.

  “I would say I don’t really have a choice, but I do. And so does Melinda. And so does Evan. But Evan knows that I’m not his biological dad. That’s the data, something we couldn’t hide from him because, even though he’s a little boy, he wanted to know why my bone marrow didn’t match, and why Melinda’s wasn’t good. I don’t know if we made the right decision in telling him, but we can’t go back now. So, he knows that I’m not his dad.”

  “And he knows that I am,” I said, letting those words settle. The test results had come back. I was Evan’s biological father. I’d be meeting him today.

  Melinda had wanted me to, said that I needed to see the little boy that I would hopefully be helping.

  I didn’t know what to think. Didn’t know what would happen next. But if Melinda needed me to help her kid, I’d figure it out.

  Because I wasn’t going to let my problems, my insecurities, make a little boy hurt any more than he already was.

  That was the only thing I could promise.

  I didn’t have much left, after all.

  “Evan’s a great kid, the light of my life. Melinda and I thought about having another child about a year ago. We love him so much, we wanted Evan to have a little brother or sister. And then all of this happened, and things got complicated. But he’s a good boy. And I think you’ll like him. He’s funny, sweet, a little tired right now, but he still has so much energy in those eyes of his that you know he’d rather be running around, chasing me, or playing a game outside.”

  “I really hope he gets to do all of that soon,” I said, my throat tight. “I really hope so.”

  “Well, we’ll figure it out.”

  “I’m going to donate, Robbie. No matter what happens after, that part you don’t need to worry about.”

  Robbie’s shoulders sagged, and he nodded. “Melinda said you would. She was worried at first, but she said she remembered how you sometimes talked about your patients. At least in the general sense. She said you’re caring. And the fact that you’re here at all says that. We figured you’d try. Or figure it out. Because Evan can’t go anywhere. Especially now.”

  Tears slid down the man’s face, but I didn’t reach out to comfort him. If he had been one of my friends, I would have, tears didn’t scare me. Robbie just needed a moment to himself, so I turned away, waiting for Melinda to come back. She was in Evan’s room, getting him ready to meet me, though I didn’t know if Christmas Eve was the best time for that.

  I’d brought Evan a present. A book I’d liked when I was a kid, one I hadn’t been able to keep while in the foster homes. But I’d liked it.

  I knew I wanted the boy to have it. Maybe. Maybe he wouldn’t like it at all.

  I had been a little bit younger than Evan when I lost everything. Now, I could only hope that this little boy had a chance.

  I didn’t know exactly what would happen next.

  “Tucker? Are you ready?”

  I stood up, my knees shaking, my palms damp. I tucked the wrapped book against my side and nodded. “As long as he is.”

  Melinda gave me a sad smile, but there was real hope in her eyes.

  Hopefully, it wasn’t for naught.

  “He is. Let’s go, he’s excited to meet you.”

  “Really? And he knows who I am?”

  “In a sense. He’s a little too young to understand everything, but he knows that you were my friend before. And that you guys have the same blood type, and some other very similar things. And that you are his daddy, too, just not in the same way that Robbie’s his daddy.”

  My heart sped up, and I swallowed hard, not a single word coming to mind.

  Other than daddy.

  Jesus.

  “You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be after this. You can leave and never come back after you donate. You don’t even have to walk in there if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be anything to us or Evan other than a donation. But if you go in there right now, you need to be strong. He needs that. And then we’ll figure out what happens later. You can be his friend. You can be anything. We’ll figure out the legalities and the labels and everything after my son is healthy. Because that is all that matters to me.”

  I nodded quickly and watched as she sighed in relief as Robbie hugged his wife close, kissing the top of her head. “We’ll deal with all the mundane things later. But first, let’s try to have a Merry Christmas Eve. Okay, darling?”

  She looked up at him then, and I saw the love that had never been there for me. I hadn’t needed that from her, and she hadn’t needed it from me.

  But I saw that emotion now.

  Something that I had seen in Amelia, too. Maybe. Or maybe I was thinking too hard because I didn’t want to think about what was on the other side of that door.

  But then I didn’t have time to think it all because Melinda was opening the door, and my feet were moving, and there were no more words.

  Evan sat in his bed, the back raised so he was sitting upright.

  He had an IV in his arm, and wires everywhere. I knew every single name of those machines, I knew the drug that was going through his system, I knew why he was being hydrated, I knew exactly why he had dark circles under his eyes.

  I knew all the medical terms and all the things that could go wrong, but it didn’t matter. Because he wasn’t his disease. He wasn’t just a statistic.

  This was Evan.

  My son.

  And holy hell, that was a weird thought.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice hoarse. I cleared my throat. “Hey, Evan. I’m Tucker.”

  Evan grinned, his eyes bright if a little tired. “Hi. Mommy said you’d be here. I’m Evan.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Evan smiled as his mom and dad went to the other side of the bed, Melinda reaching out to hold his hand. His tiny little hand.

  Jesus Christ, this little boy had to be okay.

  I didn’t know what I would do if I lost him just when I met him. Let alone what Melinda and Robbie would do or feel.

  I looked into Evan’s eyes, the same eyes as mine, and I immediately loved this kid.

  Just like that. It was love at first sight. I had no idea what I would be in his life, what labels we would use for each other or any shit like that. But it didn’t matter.

  This kid in front of me? This was the connection that I had been waiting for in my life.

  One that I had told myself I didn’t need or want. The thing that I had been actively leaving and avoiding my entire life.

  And he was right here in front of me. And I knew I could never walk away.

  “I have a book for you,” I said, looking down at the wrapped package. “It looks like a book even wrapped, so it’s not really a surprise. But I’d love to talk to you about it.”

  “Books? I love books.”

  I took a few steps and sat down next to him. I looked into those sad little eyes that still had happiness in them despite everything going on around him.

  And I knew that, somehow, we’d be okay.

  Because I refused to let it be anything else.

  I met Melinda’s and Robbie’s gazes then nodded tightly before turning my attention back t
o Evan.

  He was the important thing.

  Just him.

  Not anything else going through my mind.

  Him.

  And I was honestly okay with that.

  I stayed at the hospital for a full hour before Evan fell asleep, then I left Melinda and Robbie with their son.

  Since they were in the children’s ward, and it was a holiday, both of them could stay overnight rather than only one of them.

  I was glad that they had each other, and I was even happier that I had a moment to breathe, to try and make sense of my emotions.

  I made it home, Christmas Eve, right around dinnertime, and I was alone. It’s what I was good at.

  No, that wasn’t right. I’d always had Devin and his family. I wasn’t alone. But right then, I felt alone, mired in a turmoil of my own making.

  Because I had pushed Amelia away. Like I’d said I wouldn’t.

  It was fucking Christmas Eve.

  I’d bought her a goddamn present the week before. A little thing to put a smile on her face, something that she could hang in her bedroom so it would catch the light and make her happy before she went outside and did what she did. Because she could make life with her hands, and she brought joy to people.

  And I had hurt her.

  Because I’d been scared and wanted to be alone.

  I had done the exact thing Tobey had done to her. I had kicked her out because I was fucking scared and a jerk and an idiot.

  Jesus Christ. It was Christmas Eve, and I had no idea what she was doing, what she was feeling because I couldn’t even make sense of my own thoughts.

  Somehow…somehow I had fallen in love with Amelia Carr, and I hadn’t even realized it.

  It was only supposed to be a fake relationship. A bit of fun until she was okay and ready to move on.

  But I didn’t want her to move on. I wanted her with me.

  And I had ruined it all.

  Then I thought about Evan and the fact that good days in our future weren’t guaranteed.

  I had no idea how things would turn out. I didn’t know what would happen next in my life, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone.