Reckless With You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

I had to do it with my friends.

  With the people who’d always been beside me.

  And the woman that I had somehow fallen in love with, even though I’d told myself I shouldn’t. Jesus Christ, just because I thought I had to do everything on my own, didn’t mean that was the case.

  I hadn’t wanted to get married or have kids because I was afraid of losing them. And yet, here I was, with someone in my life who could die, and I’d only met them recently. There was no walking away from this. No running from the life I could have had if I hadn’t been a fucking idiot. All of my reasons for being who I was, for the decisions I made, fell out from under me. I knew I had fucked up.

  I needed to find Amelia. Had to fix this.

  As the snow started to fall, and the lights twinkled on the houses all around mine, I knew it was now or never.

  Because there were no more tomorrows for some, and I wanted my coming days to be spent with her.

  I had to see her, even if she sent me away like I deserved.

  Chapter 18

  Amelia

  The song on the radio was telling me to have a merry little Christmas, and all I could do was try and keep the tears at bay.

  I was such a mess. Seriously. A mess.

  I wasn’t the same person I had been even a month before, not by a long shot. But I was still a mess. Because I was alone.

  Like always. But this time, it felt even worse.

  My phone chirped next to me, and I look down at it, surprised to see Tobey’s name.

  I swallowed hard.

  Tobey: Merry Christmas. I hope you have a good holiday.

  Was it odd that I didn’t feel anything right then? Shouldn’t I? I didn’t, though. Tobey wasn’t the man I thought he was. And maybe that was on me since I’d only seen what I wanted to. But in the end, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t be the person he needed me to be, and he surely wasn’t the man I needed.

  Me: Merry Christmas.

  I didn’t say anything else. There wasn’t much more to say. He didn’t reply, and that was fine. Tobey was in my past. Not part of my future. And that was something I’d had to learn the hard way. But I wasn’t alone. Not truly.

  I was surrounded by family, this Christmas Eve filled with dog barks and laughter and wine.

  My family was everything. They had always been there for me, and I’d almost forgotten that and tried to push them away.

  Sure, like me, they were a little pushy and wanted to make sure they were always there, and sometimes it was a little too much.

  But because I had pushed them like I had, I’d almost lost myself. And I’d allowed myself to make bad decisions.

  I’d allowed myself to lie and to fall in love with someone I shouldn’t.

  Dear God, how flaky was I?

  I’d thought I loved Tobey, so I had told him in the most over-the-top fashion, thinking that’s what he would want, but I had been wrong. Horribly wrong.

  And, somehow, I hadn’t seen beneath the surface. Hadn’t truly seen the man he was, and I didn’t like that man.

  I didn’t like who I saw when I didn’t have my rose-colored glasses on.

  So, I had lost my best friend.

  And now Tucker. Dear God, Tucker.

  He had been there for me when I needed him, had always been there for me. And, somehow, I had messed that up, too.

  I loved him.

  How was that even possible?

  We had known each other for years, but I’d thought of him as only a friend. Nothing more. But I had been wrong.

  I’d always been attracted to him, but it had turned into something more as we danced around each other and went on our strange journey toward one another.

  And then when it seemed he needed me the most, he had pushed me away.

  And I hadn’t known how to go back to him afterwards to try and help.

  Because what if I was wrong? What if I made the same mistakes as I had with Tobey and messed it all up even more?

  I didn’t think he loved me. Because that hadn’t been in the cards. It had been a rule. And because of that, I would simply let him lean on his other friends, let him depend on Devin because I would not be the person who ruined another friendship because of my feelings.

  Even if I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore.

  “Okay, enough of that,” Thea said as she sat down next to me, handing me a glass of wine. I looked at my sister-in-law and just grinned. “You look cheery.”

  “I can’t help it. I love this family. And I love that you’re all coming down to the Springs tomorrow to celebrate Christmas with the Montgomerys.”

  “Well, as long as it’s not all of you.”

  “Hey, it’s only the immediate family. And all their spouses. My cousins aren’t going to be down there. Don’t worry, you will not be completely inundated.”

  “Only a little bit,” Dimitri said, laughing.

  “See? Everything’s fine. Now, have a sip of your wine, and then come and open your present.”

  “I still find it weird that you guys open a single present on Christmas Eve,” Erin said, shaking her head. “We always used to open all of our presents on Christmas Eve and save one for Christmas morning.”

  “Well that’s just strange,” Caleb said, leaning against the doorway. “Like, really strange. Are you sure you’re not like some pod person?”

  “You’re lucky my sister is with her husband’s family, or she would kick your ass for that comment,” Erin said as she leaned into Devin’s side.

  Devin kissed the top of her head before looking at me, giving me a worried glance.

  I smiled brightly, hoping it reached my eyes. Because I was fine. No one needed to worry about me anymore. We all needed to worry about Tucker. The elephant in the room. Or rather, the elephant not in the room since he wasn’t here. He had been invited. Devin had sent him a text a few days ago and had even sent him another recently. But he hadn’t come. Hadn’t contacted anyone either.

  Nobody knew if he had gotten the test results back or if he was donating bone marrow or even how the little boy was doing.

  “Before we go more into the weirdness of our families, I want to say something,” Devin said, and Caleb and Dimitri looked at each other.

  “Okay,” I said quickly. “What?”

  “Tucker’s not here.”

  “I know. And I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, shut up,” Caleb snapped. “It’s not your fault.”

  “It’s a little my fault,” I said quickly.

  “No. It’s not your fault. He’s going through something, and when he goes through shit, he pushes people away. He’s always been like that. Even before you two got together.” Devin narrowed his eyes. “And don’t apologize for the lying or whatever. I know you two ended up being together for real.”

  “I don’t know if that’s the case,” I said, my voice shaking a bit. Then I swallowed hard and ignored it. I could be strong for this. “And that doesn’t matter.”

  “It does matter,” Zoey said, coming to stand behind Caleb. I noticed that the two pointedly didn’t look at each other. Something was going on there, and I really didn’t understand it. But I had my own problems to deal with, and I wasn’t going to get in the middle of theirs. Not unless they needed me to or asked.

  Great, I was becoming the exact type of person I tried to push away. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed them away to begin with.

  “As I was saying,” Devin continued, “Tucker isn’t here. I’m giving him today. But tomorrow? I’m going over to his house to make sure he’s okay.”

  “We’re going, too,” Caleb and Dimitri said at the same time, then looked at each other before shrugging.

  “If you want me to go, I’ll go. I just don’t know if he wants to see me,” I said, looking down at my hands.

  Thea reached out and gripped my hand before taking the wine glass away and putting it down on the table.

  “Okay, this is the plan. All of us as a group go over and bombard him tomorrow, and then we b
ring him down to the Montgomerys.”

  Everyone stopped talking and looked over at Thea, who shrugged.

  “What? We’ve all gone through shit, and sometimes, it takes a big group of loud friends on a holiday for you to smile a bit. I’m sorry that he’s going through all of this, though since a few of us have gone through our own versions of hell, I can tell you that sometimes you just need to be forced into being loved. It’s the only way to fix it.”

  Dimitri leaned down and kissed his wife on the lips before whispering something into her ear that I couldn’t hear.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I said, sighing.

  “He needs us,” Devin said. “It might be a good idea because I don’t really know what else to do. I hate that he’s hurting and pushing us away.”

  “I did the same thing to you guys, and I’m sorry.”

  “Tobey was a dick,” Zoey said, and Caleb looked down at her and smiled. They shared a look and then quickly looked away.

  Interesting. Again, I wasn’t going to get in the middle of it.

  “Yes, he was a dick. But that’s not important now. What’s important is Tucker. I need to make sure he’s all right.”

  “Good.”

  “And if I have to kick his ass for hurting you, I will do that after we make sure he’s okay,” Caleb said casually, and my other two brothers nodded sagely.

  “You don’t get to do that,” I said quickly.

  “Oh, we do. It’s our prerogative.”

  Thea sighed. “It really is,” she said, and Erin and Zoey nodded, as well.

  “We’re just friends. That’s it.”

  “We’re not going to go into the details of why you two aren’t only friends because I don’t want to have to gouge my eyes out,” Caleb began. “But you’re not. And you’re hurting right now. I don’t know if it’s because Tobey’s not here or if it’s Tucker.”

  “Way to make me sound like I’m full of drama,” I said, a little annoyed.

  “That’s not what I meant,” Caleb grumbled, and Zoey glared at him.

  “We’re all used to them being here. Tobey’s not here because he’s a dick, and I’ll continue saying that.”

  “I can’t believe I was so wrong about him.”

  “We all were,” Devin said. “But he’s gone now. And fine. Fuck him. But the important thing is that you’re here with us. And we’re going to make sure Tucker is, too. You two can figure out what the fuck’s going on between you later. But the main thing is that we need to make sure he’s okay. Because he’s family. Part of this weird, strange little family that we made.”

  I sighed, nodded, and then the doorbell rang.

  We all looked at each other, and tension gripped my belly.

  “I have a feeling you’d better get that,” Dimitri said, looking directly at me. “It might be nothing, but there are Christmas miracles and all of that.”

  I bit my lip and stood up, leaving the rest of them in the living room, even though I knew they would likely follow me soon. I walked to the foyer and looked through the peephole, to make sure it wasn’t an ax murderer or something.

  Then I sighed and opened the door. And just looked at him, wondering what the hell I was going to do.

  I loved him. So damn much.

  I never meant to.

  I hadn’t meant to fall at all.

  “Tucker,” I whispered.

  He looked at me then, a gift in his hand, his hair messy as if he’d run his hands through it over and over.

  “You’re here,” he whispered and took a step forward before freezing.

  That’s when I noticed that all three of my brothers were right behind me, glowering over my head.

  “I’ve got this,” I said, trying to put a little sternness into my tone.

  “We’ll see,” Caleb growled.

  “Yeah,” Dimitri added.

  “You okay?” Devin asked, looking directly at Tucker.

  “I’ll be okay. We’ll talk later?” Tucker asked, looking over my head.

  I angled myself so I could look at my brother, who simply nodded and then tugged the others out of the way before pushing me through the front door.

  I stumbled over my feet and landed right in Tucker’s arms. Before I could yell at Devin, he slammed the door, the lock snicking closed.

  “What the hell?” I asked, completely surprised.

  Tucker snorted and shook his head.

  “I swear to God, the Carr siblings are not subtle at all.”

  “I guess not.”

  I quickly scrambled away, wrapping my arms around my body. It was snowing outside, and I wasn’t wearing a coat.

  Not the smartest thing, but it wasn’t like I had been given a choice.

  Tucker cursed under his breath and set the gift down on the step before taking off his jacket and sliding it over my shoulders. He wore a turtleneck sweater, so he was at least a little warm, but I knew neither of us could stand out here for long.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice soft.

  “Hey. I should have been here earlier. I had an appointment, and then I had my head up my ass. Hell, I’ve had my head up my ass for far too long.”

  “An appointment?” I asked, not bothering to talk about the last part of what he’d said. I wasn’t really sure what I could say to that anyway.

  “Yeah, I needed to get some test results back and meet Evan.”

  My eyes widened, my mouth going dry. “Yeah?”

  Tucker slid his hands into his pockets, and I inhaled the scent of him on his jacket, my body heating even as longing slid through me.

  “Yeah. He’s a great kid. I read to him a bit, talked with his folks. Set another appointment to get my bone marrow donated and all that. He’s mine. I don’t know what the fuck’s going to happen next, but he’s mine. I looked at him once and fell in love with the kid.” Tears filled my eyes, just like his, and I blinked them away.

  “Really?”

  Tucker nodded tightly. “Yeah. He’s mine. Well, he’s Robbie’s and Melinda’s, but I think a little part of him is mine, too. Like I said, I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I’ll figure it out. You know? As long as Evan’s okay. That’s the important part.”

  “Of course. So, you’re a match? You’re going to be able to donate?”

  “Yeah. There was no question about that. That was the one thing that I knew I could do. Give what I could of myself to help him. Even if he wasn’t mine, or I didn’t know what to do about him being mine. But, yeah, Merry fucking Christmas, right?”

  Tears slid down my cheeks, and he leaned forward, wiping them away with his thumb.

  “Don’t cry, baby. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to fight this.”

  “He’s got you in his corner. And all of us Carrs. Dear God, that kid’s going to have so much family now,” I said, my voice shaky.

  Tucker smiled, and it reached his eyes. “Yeah. So much family. I really shouldn’t have pushed you guys away. All the Carrs are my family. The people in my life who have always been there. I should have let you guys be a part of this.”

  I nodded, trying to think of words to say because it was the truth. Even though it hurt at the same time. “Yeah. We’re always here for you.”

  He cupped my face, and I really didn’t want him to tell me it was over again. I didn’t want him to tell me that we would always be friends and that, no matter what, we would be in each other’s lives. Because I didn’t know if I wanted only that. I had lied to myself thinking that everything would be okay once we walked away.

  It couldn’t be.

  But I couldn’t say those words.

  “They’re my family. But you? You’re something different. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, you weren’t just my best friend’s little sister anymore. You were something more. You’re fun and you’re feisty and you’re amazing. You’re brilliant and beautiful, and I love you being in my life. I love spending time with you. I love cooking with you and watching stupid movies with you.
I love trying to figure out what we’re going to do for the day during the off hours we actually have. I want to be able to talk to you about Evan and about your brothers and everything else. I want to figure out who we are and where we go from here. I don’t want to walk away again. I don’t want to be fucking Tobey.”

  I was fully crying then, hope blooming inside me so fiercely that it scared me. “I want all of that, too. But that’s not what we promised. I don’t want to mess this up.”

  “Then we don’t. We never lie again. We always tell each other what we’re feeling and what we’re doing. We make sure the others around us know who we are and what we are to each other. Even as we figure that out. Because what I’m facing, baby? I don’t want to do it without you. I don’t know what it means, and we don’t need to put labels on it now. But I don’t want to do it alone. Because, somehow, I fell in love with you, even though I told myself I shouldn’t. Even though I knew it was the reckless choice. But I love you so fucking much.”

  I was full-on crying then, unable to hold back my tears. He smiled at me and then leaned down to pick up the gift.

  “I figured I should give you your present now, too.”

  I blinked, wiping away my tears as I looked at the box.

  “I don’t have yours. I couldn’t bring it out of the closet.” My throat hurt, and I sniffed, knowing I was a mess.

  I was always a mess. But, apparently, he had fallen in love with me regardless.

  “It’s fucking cold out here, so I’ll show it to you later, but it’s a light catcher. One that you can put in your bedroom and watch the rainbows twinkle off your walls when you wake up in the morning. You’ll bring a little bit of the outside in.”

  I held the box close and smiled at him, emotions running through me so fast and quick that it was hard to keep up.

  “I got you a dream catcher so, apparently, we were on the same page.”

  “Really?” he asked, his eyes dark.

  “Yeah. So you never have to deal with your nightmares again. I know it’s silly, but I saw it and thought of you.”

  “It’s perfect, Amelia. It’s going to be perfect.”

  “I’m not perfect, I’m far from it.”

  “Same here. And that’s why we’re going to work. It’s why we’re going to make this work.” He paused. “If you want. Because you haven’t really said anything.”