It Takes a Village: Finding the Right Support System in Addiction Recovery
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Perhaps one of the most detrimental side effects of substance abuse disorders is the crumbling of interpersonal relationships. Physical harm caused to one’s health can have long-lasting, life threatening effects, but when substance abuse causes rifts in families and destroys friendships or romantic relationships, the damage left behind can send one over the edge into heavier drug or alcohol use, isolation from society, or suicide. Most cases of substance abuse disorders are coupled with emotional traumas or mental illness, a dual-diagnosis which is self-perpetuating and complex.
According to Dr. Sharie Stines, an expert in addiction recovery and mental health disorders, the most commonly diagnosed mental disorders which accompany substance abuse are bi-polar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder, and personality disorders (Stines 2015). Much like addiction, these mental illnesses are difficult to understand and stigmatized by those who do not understand what it means to live with such disorders; education and awareness concerning both subjects vastly improve the lives of those living with a dual-diagnosis.
Substance abuse and addiction are difficult to deal with for all parties involved; most people don’t have the first idea about how to address these complex issues, much less the training and expertise necessary to facilitate effective treatment for someone seeking treatment. Those attempting to break free from their disorders may seek solace and aid in those they love and trust, but the reality is that without proper training and education, there is little most people can do.
Resentment and frustration are key contributors to relationships ruined by drug or alcohol dependency. Both powerful emotions are rooted in misunderstanding and miscommunication; a breakdown in correspondence. One of the prominent signs of developing addiction is withdrawal from family members and friends as a means of hiding suspicious behavior. As this behavior continues or worsens, tensions and mistrust form, especially in situations in which the family bond is already strained. People from stricter religious and cultural backgrounds face additional ridicule for not fitting into the idealized version of themselves social norms have projected onto them. One of two things typically happen from here: punishment ensues through scorn, shaming, and social isolation, or family members and friends feigned ignorance to preserve the mental image of innocence and denial. Though these reactions to a revelation of substance abuse seem vastly different, they are born of the same pain and hurt tied to guilt; parents and guardians often feel responsible on some level for the state of their suffering children. In many cases, deep-rooted resentment and animosity leads those living with addiction to agree. This blame is ill-placed, as it attacks the person rather than the illness which is the true cause.
It can be difficult to come to terms with a loved one’s substance abuse disorder. Often those in the immediate circle of a person with a drug or alcohol problem are all too willing to accept the lies and deceit of their loved one; this willful ignorance is a defense mechanism which may seem easier than facing the truth and the assumptions that are coupled with it. Parents, siblings, significant others, and friends of addicts internalize blame for the plight of those they love; they feel responsible for not seeing the signs of addiction earlier or lacking the knowledge to help. Feelings of inadequacy and failure also seep into their minds; they feel as if dependency on an illicit substance is a reflection of the shortcomings in their relationship with their loved one. While it is an arduous task to determine the true causes of addiction in an individual, self-blame on either side of the problem will do nothing but complicate the healing process.
Recovering from substance abuse is a lengthy but rewarding battle. The journey to sobriety is trying and, for some, littered with speed bumps and pitfalls; however, once overcome, the result is a strong, capable individual endowed with the skills to survive just about anything. Those with addiction recovery experience understand it is never as cut and dry as simply quitting using drugs or drinking; the misconception that people suffering from substance abuse disorders don’t have enough willpower is far from true. Healing the pain and heartbreak caused by this nefarious disease is a labor of self-love and discovery best attempted with the aid of professionals. The healing process of substance abuse recovery is a journey of personal discovery and reinvention. It is also the perfect chance to heal those wounds created by addiction.
How to Rebuild Broken Ties within Your Support System
The social fallout caused by addiction is frequently just as damaging as the physical or psychological effects left behind. Relationships and reputations are ruined while one is under the influence of an all-consuming obsession with drugs or alcohol. When fixation and desperation set in, one neglects or even abuses their personal and business relationships in order to sate the intense urges and, at times, physical pains of withdrawal. In the moment, these actions seem perfectly justifiable- or, if not, unavoidable.
To the addicted brain, relief from the urges is a matter of survival. Withdrawing without medical assistance puts an incredible strain on the body, which can be deadly; when the brain enters survival mode, there is no concern for damages done to relationships or the reputation of the actively using party. Harmful, even slanderous words are defense mechanisms, spewed to deflect and ward off confrontation which threatens the current state of being. Addiction does not want to be challenged; it will cause people living with the disease to do whatever they must to push away those who may impose on its domination.
When someone suffering from substance dependency lashes out, hides the truth, or acts recklessly, it is a cry for help. As with other chronic illnesses, symptoms worsen as it is allowed to mature untreated. Addiction causes people to act completely out of character; it can change the valedictorian into the destitute man living on the streets. All the while, the disease is feeding hopelessness and helplessness to the host: ‘this is how things will always be, you are worthless and nothing and no one can save you from this.’
The lies of the addicted mind are wrong. Once one realizes this, the tables turn and one may begin the long but ultimately fulfilling journey of redemption, reinvention, and recovery.
So what happens when substance abuse ends? Can broken relationships be mended in post-recovery life, or are they doomed to be a casualty of substance abuse left behind with the past? While part of recovery is coming to terms with one’s past actions and understanding the cause in order to prevent future repeats, it may be possible to amend the damage one has done.
Understand it’s Not up To You
Forgiveness is a complicated concept: there is hurt on both sides, yet when one forgives or is forgiven, it is to the benefit of both parties. To forgive frees one of the emotional baggage associated with holding a grudge, and to be forgiven releases one of guilt and regret. Forgiving someone’s trespasses against you can be simple in the case of accidentally bumping into a stranger in passing; or it could be a long, laborious process full of self-reflection, personal healing, contemplation of the importance of interpersonal relationships, and ultimately, the renewal of trust.
However, there is always the chance of rebuttal. The thing about forgiveness is one must ask for it; it cannot be taken. Too often stubbornness, wounded pride, or arrogance prevents people from taking that crucial step in seeking forgiveness. To ask for forgiveness is to humble one’s self before another and say their friendship and love is more important than being right- even if you do not feel wrong. It is taking the risk that even this won’t be enough; it is risking rejection.
For some, the idea of being in such a vulnerable position is inconceivable. These type of people find themselves losing friendships and romantic relationships quickly due to their inability to compromise or relent the victory, even in small conflicts. Such a stubborn nature is often rooted in fear of feeling inferior or unintelligent, yet that fear may be at the cost of meaningful and sincere relationships. Allowing a headstrong mentality to stand in the way of forgiveness is not at all conducive to repairing relationships disrupted by addiction. Asking f
orgiveness of someone you have wronged is to allow them the power to decide the fate of your relationship; however, it is not and should not be a judgement of your moral character or worth.
It Will Take Time
As stated before, an addicted mind will cause people to act in ways that are completely out of character. Some of these actions cause serious fissures in the relationships one forms with the people they hold dearest. Lies, theft, physical violence and other crimes alienate both parties, causing tension, distrust and anger. Complex emotions arise, furthering the chasm; but, if both parties are willing, repairing relationships is always a possibility.
If you are attempting to rebuild a relationship that has been damaged due to addiction, expect the process to take some time. Friends, family members, and loved ones may find it difficult to forgive despite the desire to move on, especially if there is a violation of trust involved. Once it is established that both parties are willing to repair the relationship- with no manipulation or wheedling- one must take a few steps to help fix and strengthen the bond.
Talk about the problem: Much like with substance abuse recovery, discovering the underlying causes of problems in any type of relationship is the first step to rectification and preventing future issues.
Listen: Understanding both sides of the conflict is key to strengthening the relationship in question. This means actively listening to all that the other party has to say- even if you don’t necessarily agree. Having differing views and feelings does not negate the other person’s right to express their opinions and emotions.
Check-in: Mending relationships may take time, but they still require active work. Simply gaining forgiveness is not enough to fix everything. Neglecting the relationship may lead to resentment, as some may take your lack of active effort as a lack of genuineness.
Agree to disagree: Sometimes there is no compromise; sometimes views and opinions just differ on such a level that there is no middle ground. For minor and inconsequential squabbles it is perfectly acceptable to simply agree to disagree. If the disagreement is on a subject for which you feel strongly and there is no means of mending the gap, it may be time to cut ties.
Some Relationships Cannot Be Salvaged
The unfortunate reality of life is that sometimes people grow apart and relationships end. This can be true for all relationships: family bonds, lifelong friendships, and even marriages. Though we may want desperately to hold on to these things, sometimes it is more self-serving to simply accept that they are gone and move forward. However, powerful and painful emotions often stand in the way of this revelation, causing toxic and lifeless relationships to drag on further than necessary.
Consider the reason you want to revive a past relationship: if the reason is guilt, regret, or obligation, it may be time to reconsider if the affiliation is truly worth salvaging. If the other person in the relationship is resistant to reconciliation, using emotional manipulation, or abusive in anyway, it is better to walk away. The same is true if at any point you feel like you are being mistreated; you do not deserve disrespect, no matter the infraction for which you are repenting. However, one cannot demand the respect of others without respecting one’s self.
People in recovery are intimately aware of the toll substance abuse disorders take on one’s self-image. Therapists, counselors, and one's support system work in tandem to bolster self-worth, which plays a crucial role in cementing the foundation of long term sobriety. However, self-respect and self-esteem all originate from within; no one can fix that for you. While trained professionals can help you address the reasons behind low confidence and reinforce more positive views of one’s self, it is up to the individual to take heed to these teachings and learn to love one’s self again.
The only relationship you can’t afford to lose is the one you form with your beautiful, valuable, worthy self. While family members, friends, and lovers may walk at your side, the only one travelling your path to sobriety is you. The person most responsible for your continued sobriety is the same person whom you see in the mirror each morning. Learning that you are, in fact, capable of standing alone- and strong- is one of the most empowering lessons one can learn. Trust in yourself is hard-fought and well-deserved; any relationship that attempts to strip that from you is harmful to your progress and growth and has no place in your future.
With that said, it is important to recognize that the future is written for no one. Just as you are growing and learning more about yourself each day, so is everyone else. There may be a day in the future when forgiveness and reunion is possible. However, while this is a possibility, it does not do to dwell on the anticipation of such an event. Living in the past and holding on to these relationships is stifling and stilting to your advancement as a person. It’s okay to cherish memories and reminisce at times as long as your personal evolution is not jeopardized.