I hoped she was with people who loved her, and she could grow up into the person she wanted to be.
“Hey, some of us are going out to grab pizza and drinks. Want to come?”
She looked at me with just a little bit too much interest in her eyes, and I hesitated. I didn’t want to get involved with Sara or have her think that by my saying yes, it meant more than just a meal.
But I was hungry. And she said it would be more than just her. “Sure. Sounds good.”
Sara nodded. “Great. It should be fun. I think my boyfriend is meeting us there, too.”
I wondered if she read my mind, but relief filled my chest. I could enjoy the dinner without wondering if Sara had other plans for inviting me. Maybe Porter’s ego started infecting me, too. Now I thought every woman wanted me.
Except for the one that I wanted.
11
Raven
I flopped on the sofa, groaning in relief as I sank into the soft cushions. There was something about having your own couch that made it even better. I was exhausted. Between working as many nights as possible, my overloaded summer class schedule, and worrying about Chrissy, I was tapped out.
“Raven?” Emma poked her head out of her room and spotted me. “Hey! You working tonight?”
“No, thank God,” I answered, my arm over my eyes. “I have enough homework to last me for a week, I haven’t slept more than four hours a night in weeks, and I have to take Chrissy…” I bolted up. “Wait. Where is Chrissy?”
“Relax. She went with Allie to a teen hangout center. They should be back soon.”
“What? Do you know this place? Is it safe for her?”
In the few weeks Chrissy had been here, I was the first to admit I was overprotective of her. After what she went through, I wanted to make sure she was safe at all times. She went twice a week for therapy that the Department of Children and Families set up for her, and we were spending a lot of time talking.
When I was home, that was. Emma picked up quite a bit of slack, especially since she didn’t take classes this summer.
Emma came over and sat next to me. She placed her hand on my arm. “Raven, you have to chill. I know she’s your sister, and you’re panicked over making sure she’s safe, but she is a teenager. She needs a little bit of freedom, and she needs to get to know people here before she starts school in August. Before she was here, she basically took care of herself, and she still made good decisions. Remember that.”
I breathed out, forcing myself to take Emma’s words to heart. She was right. Chrissy was a good kid. She’d been through a lot, but she was strong. She’d taken to our neighbor’s daughter, Allie, who would be a sophomore this year in the high school Chrissy would attend.
“You’re right, Em. Sorry. It’s hard to be a parent at this age. Do you think she’s handling things okay?”
“I think she’s handling things as well as can be expected. She’s so grateful she’s here, but her whole life has been turned upside down, you know? It’s going to take some time to adjust. But we’ll both be there for her every step of the way. Plus, this place she went to is a great teen hangout spot staffed with counselors. They do a lot of activities and keep the kids in a safe place instead of on the streets. Many teachers work there over the summer. They do games, meals, go on field trips, and even do tutoring there. It’s great.”
“Good,” I said. “I want her to meet some friends and feel like a normal kid. She’s never gotten to do that.”
Emma nodded. “I get it. But we’ll do whatever we can to make sure the rest of her childhood isn’t like the first fourteen years of her life. I’m proud of you, Raven. Have I told you that lately?”
Tears burned behind my eyes. “Thank you, Emma. I can never thank you enough for helping me do this.” I waved my hand around us. “Look at this place. None of us have ever lived in a place this nice.” I rubbed the soft material of the couch. “Or had a couch that didn’t have cigarette burns in it and stains.” I pointed to the kitchen. “When did we know that we could walk into the kitchen and find bread that wasn’t moldy, or milk that wasn’t rotten?” While our dorm was nice, it was nothing in comparison to this. This felt like a home.
Emma sniffled. “I know. We’re going to make it, Raven.”
“We are.”
She laughed. “All thanks to Penny.”
I joined her. “Yeah, thanks, Penny. We should get a cat and name her Penny.”
That lightened the mood, and Emma put her arm around me. I leaned my head on her shoulder, and we both sighed.
“I met a guy,” Emma said.
I sat up. “At work?”
She shook her head. “No. At the coffee shop. He’s a businessman. Seems very well off, a little bit older. He’s interested in me, and not just for sex.” Emma shrugged. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“Sure you do. Just talk to him. Get to know him. Go out to dinner and on dates. Things like that.”
Emma bit her lip. “Yeah, but he’ll never want anything to do with me once he finds out what I do.”
“Emma.” I took her hands in mine. “Remember what you told me about this. You’re an escort, not a prostitute. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”
“That may be true, but think about it. Can you imagine me sitting across from him at a restaurant, and him asking me what I do? Yeah, I can say I go to college, but then what? What do I do for money? I go on dates with guys and pretend to be their girlfriends? How desperate does that sound? I should just stick to what I know I’m worth.”
“Which is what?”
She peered at me, sadness running in streaks down her face. “You know. It’s what we’re worth, Raves. It’s what we can never escape.”
I refused to respond to that, but the same thought had always been in the back of my head. “Hey, you working tonight?”
Emma sniffled, pushing her emotion back inside the box we kept it in. “Nope. I’m off, too.”
“Good.” I stood and grabbed my phone. “Because we’re ordering pizza and gorging ourselves in front of terrible television.”
“Don’t you have homework?”
I thought of the hours that awaited me, but I knew Emma needed me more. And Chrissy, when she got home.
“I’ll do it later.”
“Well you know I can never say no to pizza and TV with my bestest friend in the world.”
I lay with Chrissy in my bed, my fingers stroking her dark hair. She’d been all smiles when she got home with Allie. I liked the beautiful teen that befriended Chrissy. She seemed responsible and kind. A single mom raised her, who worked twelve-hour shifts at the hospital, so Allie was left alone a lot. She stayed with us and had pizza and soda and watched a movie before going home to wait for her mom.
Most nights since Chrissy moved here with us, she ended up in my bed. I didn’t mind, but I did wonder why she was more comfortable with me than in her own room.
“You okay, Chris?”
“Yeah. I had a good day today. I met some people and the counselors are really nice. Allie and I are going to go back again, if that’s okay with you?”
“Of course. I’m glad you’re starting to feel like this is home.”
“It is, even if it is weird.”
“Weird?”
Chrissy turned so she looked at me. “Yeah. I mean, I’ve never lived in a place this nice. I get hungry and go to the fridge and get food. And it’s good food.” She patted her flat stomach, still too skinny from years of malnutrition. “I’m actually starting to put on some weight.” She glanced around the room. “This place is gorgeous, Raven. It’s still hard for me to believe I live here and this is my life now. It’s almost like I’ll wake up one day and be back in that place, seeing that guy come into my room…”
I took a deep breath. It wasn’t much different than the conversation Emma and I had a few hours ago, but it hurt just the same. “I’m so sorry, Chrissy.”
Her brow furrowed. “Sorry? For what?”
“
That it took me so long to get you out of there. I should’ve never left to go to college. If I would’ve just gotten a job and stayed there, I could’ve saved you from all this.” I didn’t add that if our mother hadn’t been murdered by her drug dealer, she would still be in that hellhole while I tried to save up enough cash to move. I’d been so stupid. I hated myself for not letting Emma help in the first place and gotten Chrissy out of there sooner. I would never forgive myself for that thug almost taking away her innocence all because I was too stubborn to let Emma help.
“Raven.” Chrissy snuggled under my chin just like she did as a little girl, and I wrapped my arms around her. “Stop blaming yourself. If it weren’t for you right now, I would be a ward of the state. You always did your best to take care of me when it wasn’t your job. You’re my sister, not my mother. My own mother didn’t care what happened to me.” Her voice cracked, and her body shuddered. No matter how horrible our mother was, all we ever wanted was her love and acceptance.
“I care,” I whispered, pressing my lips to the top of her head. “I love you, Chrissy. This life—this is what you should’ve always had. This is what you deserve. You’ll never know what hunger pains feel like again, or wake up wondering if someone is going to hurt you. You got that? Never again.”
Chrissy sniffled. “Thank you, Raven. Thank you for saving my life. I love you.”
“I love you, too, baby girl. You’re going to grow up to do amazing things, you know that? I can’t wait to see what you do with your life.”
Chrissy squeezed me. “I wasn’t sure I had a future before I came here. I knew I wanted to get out of there, but I just couldn’t think about what my possibilities could be because it seemed like too far off. Does that make sense?”
Guilt assuaged me again, but I forced it back. This wasn’t about me. This was about her, opening up to me. “Yes, it does. But you have a driven personality, Chris. You could’ve succumbed to the shitty life you’ve been exposed to, but you didn’t. You have good grades and you’re responsible, despite what our mother tried to do to ruin that about you. You’re a survivor.”
“We both are,” Chrissy said. “You were always my role model. I remember watching you study when I was too young to even understand what it was. I always knew I wanted to be like you, Raven.”
I squeezed her, tears falling from my eyes. We both fell silent, thinking about where we’d come and where we would go from here.
The autopsies had shown our mother was murdered, stabbed to death by the man who had tried to come in and get Chrissy. He more than likely killed her over money or drugs, but that was only speculation. While Chrissy had hurt him, that wasn’t what had taken his life. He’d overdosed on a cocktail of heroin and cocaine after she knocked him unconscious. There would be no charges against Chrissy, and now she was free to move on with her life.
We didn’t have a service for her. One, there was no money for that, and two, she was never a mother to us. There was nothing to mourn. It might sound callous, but it was true. The only thing we learned from her was what not to be in life.
I often wondered what drove our mother to become the way she was. I knew nothing about my grandparents since she was estranged from all her family. I didn’t even know if she had any siblings because she would never talk about anything with us other than her own selfish needs.
I can’t ever remember her asking me about school, or what I would like for my birthday or Christmas. We’d never owned a Christmas tree, and any presents I got came from money I stole from her to buy myself and Chrissy something. In fact, that was the only way we ever had anything when I was a child. I would steal it or steal the money from her to buy it.
Chrissy’s body relaxed under me as she fell asleep. I continued to stroke her soft hair. Now that she could take care of herself, her hair resembled mine more than I’d ever noticed. Her dark waves fell down her back, and she had the most beautiful blue eyes. As soon as she gained about twenty pounds or so, she would be a complete knockout.
The thought of boys starting to notice her made my stomach clench. Of course, they would. She would be in high school now. I thought about my experiences with high school boys, and panic settled in my bones. I didn’t know how to parent Chrissy. There wasn’t any way to learn these things when you never had a parent to begin with.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of my little sister, her body fitted against mine. Without warning, thoughts of Breck’s body entering mine flooded my head.
I wanted him. I felt terrible for leaving in the middle of the night and not saying anything, but I knew I had no business doing anything with him. With Chrissy here now, I had to focus on what was important. Breck was a distraction, and one that I knew would get me nowhere. He was fun for that night, but that was all.
That had to be all.
My memories of being with him would have to be enough.
The car lurched, and I groaned. “No, please. Not today.” I stared down at the dash, at the litany of lights that were illuminated. Cars zoomed around me and sweat began to gather on my forehead. I pressed the gas and prayed, my mouth moving in a silent plea for this not to happen today.
I had to go register Chrissy for school, plus make it to my afternoon class before heading to work tonight for a company dinner with a client. I didn’t have time for car trouble. This car was older than Chrissy and had God knows how many miles on it. The fact that it started up at all was a miracle. I literally said a silent prayer every time the engine turned over. Now that I had my sister and the apartment situation taken care of, I knew a car had to be next.
The vehicle lurched again, and I put on my hazards, trying to move over so I could stop on the side of the road. Just as my tires hit the grass, the car staggered and stopped, a puff of smoke coming from underneath the hood.
I rested my head on the steering wheel, fighting the sting of tears behind my eyes. I thought about Emma and wondered if she was home still. She had a job tonight too, but she could probably come get me.
I rummaged in my bag for my phone, the car shaking as traffic zoomed past me on the busy road.
“Where is it?” Frustrated, I dumped the contents of my purse on the seat next to me. No phone. “This is just great. No phone, either. You’re just batting a thousand, Raven.” I stared out the side window and sighed. I couldn’t even get out of the car right now. Thankfully, as soon as the traffic cleared, I could go to one of the many businesses along this strip and call a tow truck, but I would also need to call Emma.
I dropped my head into my hands, forcing myself to take a deep breath before dealing with this unexpected turn of events. It’s fine. I’ll get to class and to work. I’ll have to register Chrissy for school tomorrow.
Summer flew by, and Chrissy would start high school in just a month. She met a few more friends thanks to Allie, and I settled into my new role as her guardian. My summer classes were almost over, and my new ones would start shortly after Chrissy went back to school, so I would have a few weeks’ reprieve.
I’d been very busy with work, and I hated to admit to myself that every time Penny called me to put an event on my calendar, I wished it was Porter or Breck.
It wasn’t.
I knew where to find both of them, but I couldn’t make myself do anything about it. I also didn’t know what to do with the conflicting feelings I had about why I couldn’t stop thinking about both of them. Sitting here, my car dead and my willpower low, I had the sudden urge to call Porter, followed by an urge just as strong to find Breck and apologize. It was a good thing my phone was at home, because the only thing that would come out of either of those options was more temptation. I doubted “friends” was really on Porter’s radar. Maybe “friends with benefits,” and I didn’t know how to feel about that after the night I spent with his brother.
And then there was Breck. The image of me tracing his Army tattoo as we fell asleep, his mouth quirking up into an adorably sexy smile as I leaned over and kissed him, flooded my head.
I wanted them both for completely different reasons, and it messed me up.
Talk about being a hooker. I couldn’t fathom what had gotten into me or why I thought about sex with the Kingsley brothers.
An engine rumbled close by, so I glanced up into the rearview mirror as a sleek dark car stopped behind me. The door opened and closed quickly, and my heart stopped as my eyes followed a pair of dark pants, a white dress shirt, and finally, the handsome face of Porter Kingsley.
No. Dear God, not like this. Why did he have to be the one to stop? Had I willed him here? There was no way he knew it was me, since he never saw my car that night, and I didn’t know if that made it better or worse that he was the kind of guy who stopped to help someone broken down on the side of the road. I watched, frozen, as he walked over to the passenger side of my vehicle while the traffic picked up again. I wished for the car to come to life so I could drive off before he realized who was in this piece of shit car that was worth less than the clothes he wore, but that wasn’t the kind of luck I had.
He leaned over to peer through the window and our eyes met. His widened and his mouth opened as he recognized me, and I fought the urge to turn away from his piercing gaze. I appeared a lot different than the only time he saw me, but I guessed he still knew it was me. Either that or he regarded every female like he wanted to eat them alive. The thought made my core clench in anticipation, and I hated myself for it. Dressed in jean shorts and a tank top with my hair piled on top of my head and huge sunglasses covering my eyes, I felt like the inadequate kid that I was next to the successful doctor.
I watched, unmoving, as Porter pulled the door handle on the passenger side and opened the door. “Janie? Are you okay?”
I hadn’t heard his voice since the night he left me standing in front of his house as he sped away to the hospital. Hearing it now did funny things to my insides. Ironic enough, twins or not, their voices were very distinct from each other. Thinking of that made me think of Breck, and a dull pain thudded in my chest. I was seriously certifiable. How I could possibly be thinking of both brothers in the same way boggled my mind. I had no idea what had come over me.
Ravenous: The Kingsley Brothers Duet Page 12