Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  He sits Josh’s letter on the bed in front of me and stands. He walks to the dresser where he grabs my clothes out of the drawer for me and carries them back to the bed, pausing to stare at the photo of Josh and I. “Did you know I saw you that day before he even came over to you?” he asks gauging my reaction.

  I shake my head and swallow down the lump in my throat.

  “I did. Shame I didn’t get there first, maybe you would have seen me differently all these years.” His voice is so soft and his words are messing with me. My eyes are wide and teary. “He called you by the way, a few times actually. He was surprised to know you were with me last night.” He says, in a tone that makes a knot form in my stomach, as he tosses my phone onto the bed as well, and then he leaves the room. NO!

  I look down at my phone, the letter and picture. Fear and regret swallowing me whole. Dean talked to Josh? Said what? I mentally replay Dean’s exact words, attempting to dissect them. But all I can focus on are Josh’s words, so beautiful, and yet I could barely listen to them coming out of Dean’s lips. Josh missed me. When did he write that? He obviously doesn’t know I haven’t read it, and now he knows I was with Dean last night. I have never felt such hate for one, love for another, and pain inside of me, yet conflicted on all of those emotions at the same time.

  CHAPTER 3

  That moment you become someone you don’t even recognize anymore. That moment is now.

  I don’t even know why I grabbed her phone and brought it with me to the bathroom after I...I did that awful thing to her. I stood in my bathroom alternating between staring at myself in the mirror and looking down at her phone where she had missed calls and texts from him mostly. Who had I become? What happened now? My eyes weren’t even recognizable. I saw the pocketknife next to my sink, one I almost used to cut earlier in the week. I feared the thoughts that were invading my head. Twisted memories of last night, of years past consume me.

  Seeing the tears in her eyes, the fear she had of me was painful and yet satisfying. Fury filled my veins. I needed to shower away the filth I felt. Memories were flashing in my mind of years we spent together. The way she sometimes laughed at me. The way silence between us wasn’t awkward, but welcomed. The gleam of the silver in the knife reflected against the mirror as my eyes moved back up to look at the stranger I’d become. A monster. The devil. Unwanted. Unloved. Feared.

  I was trying to grab hold of what had changed between us, what had stayed the same, what was ever real in the first place. Why had I spent all of my time being unfaithful when all I ever wanted was her? Was I always just a distraction for her? Never mattering at all?

  I had read the letter Josh wrote her a handful of times to myself trying to understand why she chose him over me. I stared at that picture he left for her to remind her—remembering that day perfectly myself.

  I was sitting in my living room, the view to their homes perfect from that window. I’d been curious about the moving truck and watched her play in the grass. I didn’t have friends, having moved in not too much earlier myself. That morning wasn’t a good one in my home. I knew asking my mom to walk me over to meet her wasn’t happening, not when her lip was busted and her cheek bruised from his fist. I watched with envy as Josh met her for the first time. I watched their parents interact and let myself imagine a life where I had happy parents with smiles on their faces like that. I met her and Josh once school began—surprised and excited to have them both in my kindergarten class. They had already formed a tight friendship, one that I wasn’t included in.

  If only she knew I had seen her first, if only I had been the one to meet her first. Maybe then my bond would have mattered more. I’d decided that I would tell her that, explain it.

  Her phone had begun to vibrate in my hand shaking away the visions of the past that haunt me. Josh, again. The anger I felt was so overwhelming for them both. I’d already caused her pain. The damage was already done. There was no need to control it now. Just spread it further. Let him feel this same pain I’ve always felt.

  I turned the shower on and let the steam begin to fill the room as I slid my finger across her screen.

  “Hello?” I greeted.

  “Dean? What the fuck? Why are you answering Riley’s phone?” he demanded.

  “Because she’s with me,” I replied dryly.

  “She’s what?”

  “Yeah, she was upset last night. All alone, but you already know that, don’t you? I kept her company. She’s in the shower now, cleaning off how rough and dirty we were together.” I lied, knowing he would put two and two together with the help of Preslee—not knowing what had really happened between us. What I did to her.

  “Motherfucker, I will kick your ass. I will fucking kill you. Do you hear me? I will kill you.”

  “Don’t bother. I’ve got that covered.” I had every intention of finding a way to disappear somehow.

  I grabbed the knife, walked back into my room, finding her face first on the floor. I wasn’t sure if she had passed out, or fell back asleep. I’d put her back in my bed and watched her sleep wishing I could turn back the hands of time. I hadn’t heard from Preslee and wasn’t sure what her intentions were with the photo, but it was obvious she hadn’t sent it to him yet.

  A crash and things being thrown jolt me from my thoughts as I stand in the hall waiting on her to run quickly. What the hell?

  I open my bedroom door, finding Riley in a fit of rage, clothed. She’s throwing my things all over the room and screaming.

  For a second I watch amused at her fury until I see her stop and stand still. She looks down at her wrist and rubs the purplish marks left on them. Rubs with disgust like she is trying to remove them, but can’t. Marks I left. My amusement dissipates, the grin I have falters. My insides coil and I must make a noise because she turns to face me with fire burning in her eyes. She charges me, beating her fist against my chest. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you,” she cries.

  I let her fist hurt me, wishing she was stronger and the pain was worse. “I hate me, too,” I whisper first, then scream it at her, “I fucking hate myself, too.” I grab her by the shoulders and push her back so I can lock eyes with hers. In a softer voice I say, “I hate me, too. I’m sorry, Riley. I’m so sorry,” the tears that have been threatening to fall from my eyes finally win.

  She stares open-mouthed at me, eyes searching mine. Her hands cover mouth as she backs away, and my hands fall to my sides. “What did you tell Josh when he called?” she asks in a small voice wrapping her arms around herself.

  I look away from her knowing eyes. I’ve succeeded in ruining her. Ruining them. “Love and hate make you do crazy shit, Riley.”

  “WHAT did you tell him, Dean? TELL ME,” she half shouts at me.

  I swallow hard, shaking my head. “I...lied. He probably hates you as much as I do now.” Once the words are out I cast a glance at her.

  Her tears fall from her eyes like a steady stream of sadness and regret. “Why? I could just tell him the truth, that you almost ra...that you—,”

  My back stiffens. “Raped you. I will say it since you won’t. I almost raped you, Riley.”

  She covers her mouth with her hand again, her body slumping slightly, her face draining of color. God, the cold spot I thought I had can’t be existent, because her pain is killing me. “You could tell him, Riley. Maybe you should. But the fact is, you were drunk and you came with me last night willingly. You were at a party dancing provocatively. You kissed me in my car in front of a witness. I’m your ex-boyfriend. Besides, you can’t prove what almost happened and I will deny it.”

  She ponders all I’ve said. I frown, as I hate that I have thought this through. Her mouth falls open. Speechless. Then something flashes in her eyes. She tilts her head to the side.

  “A witness? Who?” I see the wheels turn and her mouth forms an O like she figured it out. “Preslee? She was there. She was with you.”

  “She was,” I simply say.

  “Y’all set me up. A fl
ash? Did she...” and the wheels keep turning, I see it in her eyes. They widen, then squint and finally narrow on me. Her mouth opens and shuts. She’s trapped and she knows it. “I thought you were Josh when I...I was confused.”

  That one statement pisses me off. “Careful, Riley.”

  She runs her hands into her hair and paces the room. She lifts her phone and flips through it. She growls and puts it into her back pocket. “Why?” she asks, turning her lost beautiful eyes on me.

  “Why does anyone do the things they do, Riley?” I shrug.

  I turn to the bed where his letter and picture of them are. I lean over and place both in the envelope, then walk over to hand it to her. “You should leave now. However you spin this Riley, we are both fucked. So, play it whichever way you want. I’m done caring anyway. I’m just done.”

  She just stares at my hand holding out the envelope with a frown as she bites her lip. Her gaze lifts to mine and I raise a brow in question. She swipes the tears on her cheek with one of her hands, clears her throat and reaches for the envelope with the other. Then she leaves, taking my heart with her, if it ever existed in the first place.

  CHAPTER 4

  What the hell is wrong with her? Why can’t she just fight through the pain without drowning out the noise? The numbness dissipates and all that is left is her regret. SHIT!

  I called Riley’s phone over and over, sent her several texts to let her know her mom was in labor. I’d known from Collin that Emily wanted to make her go to a party with them. I had every intention of showing up and making her talk to me, being the one to rescue her, but then my dad got the call around 11:30 p.m. that Ms. Claudia was having contractions. Leaving wasn’t an option any longer. Plans changed when our sibling got impatient.

  I finally gave up and called Emily, knowing she would go grab her for me. It was 1:30 a.m. She should’ve been home by then. “Okay, slow down. Wait! What? All right, she’s drunk?”

  “She did WHAT?”

  “With who? Where did she go?”

  “How did y’all let her leave like that?”

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me? She isn’t in the right frame of mind to be going home with someone.”

  “What am I supposed to do? SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!”

  I was in my truck on the way to the hospital to be with my dad with questions rolling off of my tongue to Emily at lightning speed.

  When I called her, the last thing I expected to hear was Riley got trashed at the party...again, stripped her shirt off and danced in her bra in front of a room full of strangers, only to leave with one, assuming that is what she did.

  She didn’t reply to any of my texts, or answer any of my calls. Then again, I didn’t even hear from her after I left her the letter and picture. I asked Collin about it and he told me Riley never mentioned it. He told me that she wasn’t doing well. That she and Emily aren’t getting along anymore, that she had shut everyone out. I hated hearing every word because I knew I was to blame. But she should have read my letter and understood why. I thought I had explained it all to her the best that I could.

  By 3:30 a.m. I was scared out of my mind and beyond pissed off at her, but more than that I felt guilty. She was god knows where, with god knows who, doing god knows what. And all I could do was pray, worry and hate myself.

  “Any word from Riley yet?” My dad asked with unknowing eyes. I’m sure they thought Riley wasn’t there because of the situation, when in reality she had no idea her mom had just given birth.

  “She’ll be here eventually, I guess she is asleep.” I lied.

  I walked over to Joey and kissed her cheek. “How is she?” I asked, looking at our baby sister in Ms. Claudia’s arms. The pride I saw in my dad’s eyes made my heart ache a little. She was so tiny, so fragile.

  “Oh my god, Josh. Isn’t she so beautiful? She has eyes like Riley’s. Ya know that bluish color, but they say her eyes might change. I guess all babies are born with blue eyes.”

  I tensed just at the mere mention of Riley’s eyes. It’s one of the things I loved most about her. I could get lost in their depths for days, exploring which is more dominant in that given minute, blue or green. Her eyes were then etched in my mind as a haunting reminder.

  I ran my hand through my hair and behind my neck trying to relax my muscles. It didn’t work. I was still tense.

  I slid my finger across the home screen of my phone. No messages. No calls. Nothing.

  I needed to get out of there. I felt combustible. “Y’all I’m so tired. I’m sure you two would love to get some sleep, right?” Our parents nodded. “Why don’t I take the brats,” seeing the lifted brow on my dad’s face, the scowls on the brats faces coinciding with a long drawn out, “Heeeey,”from one, I backpedaled. I cleared my throat, shuffled my feet, and reworded my statement. “I mean...Why don’t I take Tatum and Jo home, and we can come back tomorrow when the rest of the world wakes up?”

  They both yawned one after the other. “My bed sounds amazing right now,” Jo said.

  I felt relief. “Great, then it’s settled. Y’all meet me in my truck,” I placed a kiss to Ms. Claudia’s cheek, a soft touch of my knuckle to the cheek of my baby sister, a guy pat hug to my dad and basically ran out the room with my fingers tapping madly on the screen of my phone.

  “Hello,” I greeted.

  “Hey, she never came home, Josh. I’m sorry, man. Em and I have been waiting up. We could call the cops, but she is underage and was completely wasted. We didn’t want to get her in trouble.” I heard the regret in his voice.

  “I can’t believe this. Why would she do this?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. She wasn’t in a good place, Josh. She hasn’t been, man. She and Em got into it and she isn’t answering her calls or texts either,” he informed me.

  “I’m so sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry.” I heard Em cry in the background.

  Is this because of my letter? Did I make the situation worse by being honest? So many questions were running through my mind. My heart was beating so fast against my chest as I pictured what she could have been doing. Riley’s vice: get angry, get drunk and seek revenge. Fact of her life. Our life. This was the dark hold on her, the part of her I detested. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know how to stop her from succumbing to the darkness every time shit got hard to handle, then again I left her on her own to fight her way out from under it. Hell, I sent her to the edge. My skin prickled. I had too much adrenaline pumping through my veins. Sleeping wasn’t going to be an option for me.

  “She hasn’t stopped crying. I told her it wasn’t her fault.” Collin explained the misery Emily was in.

  “It’s not. It’s mine. Call me if you hear from her.”

  “Will do. Sorry, man.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  The brats climbed into my truck. “Dude, you alright? You look murderous,” Joey, inquired, always so perceptive of my emotions.

  I could feel the vein throbbing in my neck. “Yeah, I’m good. Just a lot going on all at once. Let’s get y’all home so we can sleep. I’m about to pass out from exhaustion,” I lied again. It was coming naturally.

  I dropped them off at Riley’s house and I went to mine. I paced my bedroom looking out the window at her dark one, wondering why the hell I gave up on us so easily. Feeling uneasy and hot all over, I took a shower to calm down.

  I called Collin again as the sun started peeking through the sky, deciding to hop in my truck and drive to the places she loved as the phone rang in my ear. “Is she there?” I asked, skipping the hello.

  “No, Josh.”

  “God, dammit!” I shouted and ended the call.

  I called her cell again and it went to voice mail. I had this sick feeling boiling up in the pit of my stomach. Something was wrong. I just knew it.

  I drove to the lake. Nothing. I drove to the playground. Nothing. I decided to leave Granbury and head to her apartment. She had to come home eventually. I took another chance and called her again on my way. I ex
pected it to go to voicemail as the prior multitudes of calls. I didn’t expect him to answer and tell me the things he did.

  My hands could barely grip the steering wheel. I was shaking so much. The ringing in my ears was deafening. She had slept with Dean to get back at me. I couldn’t believe she would do that. “FUCK!” I punched the steering wheel and pulled off the interstate just to get my composure. I was quickly losing my shit.

  Why would she do that? How could she do that? It’s all I thought about for the past hour as I’ve sat in my truck in the parking lot of her apartment complex, just staring at her door. Contemplating everything and how I should handle it. The past has very much caught up to our present, has compromised our future.

  My phone pings in the center console. I slide my finger across the screen and open a text from Preslee.

  Preslee: I’M SURE THIS WON’T MAKE YOUR MORNING GOOD BUT THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE MISSING

  Another ping as a new text comes right after and on full display is a picture of Riley in a car with Dean’s lips pressed against hers. My heart is beating so rapidly, my chest squeezing the air out of my lungs. She had my letter, my heart in ink and she didn’t want it. She had everything I felt on those pieces of paper. She still threw it away. No, I gave it away. I painfully run my hands behind my neck and curse for everything I’ve done—she’s done.

  What do I do now? She’s with him. She went back to him, even after everything I said.

  “FUCK!” I yell and scream, slamming my palms against my eyes as the tears burn. On the verge of a panic attack, I finally catch my breath and decide that’s it. I’m done. I can’t save her. I can’t save us. All I can do is be where I am needed and that is by my dad’s side as he celebrates the birth of his baby with her mom—a baby that will forever bind Riley and I as family. It’s not the way I pictured us being bound forever. I pictured her carrying my own child, her being my wife. It’s all over. It’s really over.