Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  “No, fuck that,” I shout to no one. She wants to do this to us then she will explain it to my face, how and why.

  I bang on the door to her apartment.

  “Josh?” Emily questions, answering the door looking just as restless as I do. The sun is barely raised and none of us have slept. Her eyes are swollen and puffy. She throws her arms around my neck and cries. “I’m so sorry. I made her go out last night. I knew she wasn’t okay. I never even tried to help her. I’m a horrible friend.”

  I push her back and almost growl. “No, that’s me. Where’s Collin?”

  She wipes her eyes and walks over to the couch. “He’s getting dressed. We were going to leave and drive to some places she may have gone.”

  I stiffen, she notices and looks to me puzzled. “I already know where she went,” I say flatly.

  “What? Where?”

  I swallow hard and feel too calm on the outside while a war is brewing on the inside. I walk to the mantle where I see a jar with cash and coins in it, labeled jar of hearts. “What is this?” I ask.

  She sighs, plopping down on the couch. “It was our jar of money to get to Louisiana, to move there to be with you guys. Our hearts, get it?”

  What? To move there?

  My eyes squint as I look at the jar. “Your hearts. I get it,” I reply. Something inside of me takes over because I grab the jar and crash it to the floor, shattering shards of glass across the room.

  Emily screams as Collin runs down the hall. “What the...?” he shouts.

  “She went with Dean last night. That’s where she is. She fucked him,” I seethe the words through my teeth as they burn to be spoken.

  Emily’s mouth falls open and she’s shaking her head back and forth.

  “No. She wouldn’t do that, Josh. She hates him. She is terrified of him. She wouldn’t do that. She loves you. She’s been like a hermit missing you. She wouldn’t that,” she keeps repeating.

  “Yeah? Well, he answered her phone when I called. He told me she was in the shower rinsing away how rough and dirty they were together. I heard the shower for myself,” I declare.

  Collin is standing there with shock etched all over his face. “This doesn’t make sense.”

  I sit on the couch with my head in my hands and growl. “Nothing Riley does make sense?”

  Just then the door to her apartment opens and in walks the love of my life and the reason I will never be the same again. The one who has killed me on the inside. Killed any chance of us.

  CHAPTER 5

  You ever have one of those moments where time stands still? Where everything is so eerily quiet that you know something bad is going to happen? Like in the movies when the girl is walking in the woods alone, you just know the monster is lurking somewhere. You just don’t know when he will attack. You scream at her to not go, but she never listens. That feeling is when hell and life touch for just a brief second—until one loses and the other wins.

  I stared at Dean, dithering in my thoughts of what he had just told me. He will deny it happened the way it really happened. It’s his word against mine. I left with him willingly—sort of. I had no proof of what actually happened last night. This was my fault. What would I even say: I drank way too many drinks because I couldn’t cope with my boyfriend dumping me? My ex-boyfriend drank too much because he hates me, and he almost accidentally raped me because I dated him for two years and never gave it up? Dean’s right. No matter which way I spun this we were both fucked.

  I turn to leave and all but run out of his apartment. The entire night, my home was right there and I was too drunk to leave his. As soon as I open the door, I’m met with blonde hair and a satisfied smile.

  Preslee.

  She hands me a photo of Dean kissing me. “How does it feel to be the one that’s fucked now?”

  I stare open mouthed at her and hold the photo in my hand as I take off running back to my apartment, her wicked laughter following behind me. I get to my apartment door, doing my best to compose myself. Knowing as soon as I enter the door the floodgates will open regardless. Inhale. Exhale.

  I take a deep breath and look at the picture in my hand. The words Dean said replay in my mind, “Love and hate make you do crazy shit, Riley. He probably hates you as much as I do now.”

  They set me up. If I have a copy, then who’s to say Josh doesn’t as well? Oh, god. He told me he lied to Josh. The realization of what Josh probably thinks right now slams into me full force. I remove my phone from my back pocket, scrolling again through all of my missing calls from him.

  Swallowing a gulp of air, I place my hand on the knob and open the door, not expecting to find Josh sitting there in my living room looking rather pissed off.

  As soon as I enter the room, three sets of a mixture of angry and sad eyes land on me. I gasp and reach to clench my chest, letting the picture, envelope and phone fall from my hands. Josh looks to the floor where they land. He lifts his hurt eyes to my hand where my wrist is exposed. I see his eyes harden, and I try to hide the mark on my wrists with my other hand, only to expose another set of marks. The ones on the inside are invisible to him.

  Emily and Collin’s gazes are ping ponging back and forth between Josh and me nervously as he slowly saunters over to me. I can feel the judgment and anger coming off of him in waves. He reaches down to grab the photo and envelope. Then he stands, drawing my attention back to his hazel eyes where I find pain and hatred hiding within them. Eyes I love more than anything now hate me without knowing the truth.

  They slowly narrow into slits, glancing to my wrist and then to my tear stained cheeks. “Rough night?” he asks almost mockingly. “Guess Preslee was right when she told you Dean liked it rough and dirty, huh?”

  I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. His words cut into me like a knife. He throws the photo and envelope at me. I just let them fall to the floor. “Not at all the response I was expecting when I wrote you this. I hope it was fucking worth it. You completely broke my heart and my trust.” He doesn’t wait for my response. The knife twists and turns as I bleed onto the floor before him. He moves pass me bumping my shoulder, then out the door, slamming it and making me jump.

  I collapse to my hands and knees as a sob leaves my chest. I can’t breathe. Stop him. No, no, no! I can’t breathe.

  Emily rushes to my side. “What happened?” she asks in a soft voice reaching out to touch me. I wince away from her and stand.

  “I’m going to be sick,” I slap my hand over my mouth and run to the bathroom down the hall.

  After emptying my stomach of alcohol and a night of pain, I sit back against the tub. My life is over. Emily is standing in the doorway with a confused yet concerned expression on her face. I notice Collin pacing in the hall. I’m sure he is conflicted on what to do: go to his best friend, stay with his girlfriend? Life must be hard when those are your only two major concerns.

  “Riley, is it true? Did you have sex with Dean last night? Why would you do that?” she asks with a voice that isn’t full of judgment but confusion.

  I cover my mouth as a sob escapes my lips. I pull my knees up, and hide my face with my arms. My hands slide into my hair. I feel so dirty. So used. I just want to climb in the shower and remove his touch, his scent. All of the sins he left on my skin.

  Her warmth and nearness grate on my nerves as she sits down beside me and rests her head on my shoulder. “Oh, Riley. Tell me what happened.”

  As soon as I think speech is even possible, I say the words that burn coming out of my mouth. “I was drunk. He was drunk. It just happened,” I state void of any emotion.

  Collin’s arms are braced on the doorframe as he leans into the doorway. He looks completely murderous right now. “So, it’s true? You fucked him last night?” His voice isn’t laced with confusion—it’s hard and accusing. His protruding eyes and lowered brow shows me he’s angry. Very pissed off actually.

  I shake my head as tears stream down my cheeks.

  “No, you didn’t?” he as
ks tilting his head.

  I clear my throat and wipe at my eyes, touching the marks on my wrists, remembering it. Emily grabs my hand, rolls up my sleeves and touches my wrist, then pulling on the other to do the same. I can feel her gaze on me, but my eyes are locked with Collin’s. His eyes fall to my wrist and I can see the question flicker behind them—they slowly lift to mine, softer and more doubtful—unsure of what those marks mean.

  I pull my wrists back and stand, bracing my hands on the counter as I look into my broken eyes, into the reflection of a damaged girl I’ve hated for months. My body vibrates in fear, fear of what they will think, or believe. What will they see in me if I tell? I’m trembling because the very person I need to breathe just left me in pieces…again. I try to hold the tears back, but my lip is quivering, and as soon as I meet Em’s eyes in the mirror I lose the battle. The tears fall unbidden.

  I turn to look at my two best friends, the only two people who have been there for me these past few months. The two people I have hated because I was so jealous. I take big pulls of air, and try to keep my panic attack at bay. I hold onto the edge of the counter painfully tight just to keep upright. Just get it out, all of it, hurry!

  “I fell last night...at the party. I tricked you, Collin…so I could go outside. I didn’t want to come back here and hear y’all together anymore. It hurt. It fucking hurts so much to be without Josh and I...well, it doesn’t matter. I just...I fell, and Dean was there. I knew he was at the party.”

  Collin’s eyebrow quirks up and his eyes widen. “Not like that. I mean...I saw him there. I shouldn’t have drunk so much. I should have been more careful knowing he was around. I never should have let my guard down. I was so drunk. I just didn’t want to feel anything. I couldn’t think, or see straight. Like I said, I fell and Dean was there. I don’t remember going with him. In fact, I think I said no, but then I was in his car and…and he kissed me.”

  Emily stands up and I think I see the realization set in, that this isn’t what they think it is. “Preslee was there. She took a picture of it. They set me up. I guess to break Josh and me up. They must not have known we weren’t together in the first place, or they wanted to solidify us staying apart. Fuck, I don’t know. Dean stole that letter from Josh somehow. I never read it. If I had—God, if I had read it...I never would’ve...”

  I take a deep breath, not letting that thought form. Just another thing to add to my ‘Wish I had a do-over list.’ “Dean had the letter in his apartment. I don’t even know how he got it, but he read it to me after he...after he...” God, I can’t say it. I look away.

  “He what, Riley?” Emily asks in a hushed whisper.

  I can’t meet their eyes. “I fell asleep. I was so drunk. I passed out I guess, but then he woke me up. I tried to fight him. I told him no.” The tears start to fall faster. I slowly turn to look at them. Collin’s back straightens and his hands fall to his side, weightless. “He said he was sorry. He said he was drunk and I believe he was. I could smell it, taste it. He thought he was sleeping, but he wasn’t. He touched me. He just kept touching me and I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him and he tried to...” I take giant breaths of air, feeling the panic rise, gripping the counter so tight my knuckles turn white and become numb. “He would’ve if my phone hadn’t started ringing. I didn’t have sex with him, but he”

  “FUCK!” Collin shouts turning around with his hands in his hair. Next thing I know he punches the wall.

  Emily has me in her arms in a second, and then pushes me back to look into my eyes. Determined, she says, “We need to go to the cops, Riley. You’re saying he tried to rape you.”

  I shake my head at her and she puts her hands on her hips. “No? What do you mean?”

  I sigh, “Emily it’s my word against his. He already said he would deny it. I went with him last night. Preslee has a picture of us kissing. No one will believe me.”

  “That’s bullshit!” she shouts.

  SLAM!

  I look over to the doorway realizing Collin left. I glance back toward Emily. “I just want to forget it ever happened, okay?”

  Leaving her stunned, I walk to my bedroom to grab clean clothes and then back to the bathroom where she is still standing in shock. I undress and turn the shower on—ignoring her presence. Feeling dirty, the need to scrub my skin until it’s raw is so strong. And so I do. She leaves me in there. I put soap on my loofah and scrub until my skin burns, between my legs to remove his touch, all over my neck where he kissed me. I drop the loofah and rub at my wrists, rub and rub harder. The marks are still there. I fall to my knees in the tub with the water spraying my back, hot and scolding, washing away his scent, sobbing into my hands until nothing is left. I have nothing left.

  Wrapped in a towel and standing in front of the fogged up mirror, I’m thankful to not see the broken girl staring back at me. I dress in jeans, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt. My wet hair is pulled into a messy bun. I brush my teeth and then head to the living room to grab my phone and Josh’s letter, kneeling down to grab both, leaving the picture of Dean and I still sitting there. I’ll burn it later. I’m walking to the couch when I see the shattered glass and scattered coins and money all over the floor. How I didn’t see that when I walked in is beyond me.

  “What happened?” I question Emily as she walks down the hall, pulling the phone away from her ear and placing it in her back pocket.

  “Josh broke it,” she says forlornly.

  I stare at all the broken pieces of glass, all the jagged edges not pieced together—shattered by him. The irony of it wasn’t lost on me. I labeled it the jar of hearts and that’s what my heart is. Broken, jagged and shattered.

  I ask, “Where’s Tink? She could cut her paws.” I want to get up and find her except I can’t move. Holding her will just remind me of everything I lost and once had.

  “I locked her in your room. She’s fine.”

  I walk to the kitchen instead, sitting at the table with my phone and his words on paper. Jesus, I have a bazillion missed calls and texts from Josh, Emily, my sister and my mom. I’m just about to scroll through them when Emily hands me a glass of water. I gulp the entire contents down. I hadn’t even realized how thirsty I was until the liquid touches my tongue. My phone vibrates in my hand, making me jerk and drop the glass to the floor. More shattered pieces.

  “Dammit,” I say under my breath as I bend down to pick up the pieces with my bare hand. “Ouch, shit!” I pull my hand back as a sliver cuts my hand.

  “Riley. Jesus Christ. Give me your hand,” Emily says, pulling me to stand. She holds my hand under the running faucet, and reaches for a rag to wrap around it.

  I find relief in the pain that cut gives me. Like the physical burn of it takes away the emotional ache I’m feeling. I like it. “I’m good,” I tell her as I pull my hand away.

  She stares at me, unsure of how to handle me right now. Her eyes flick away as she turns to grab the dustpan and broom. She sets about sweeping up the glass in the kitchen and then in the living room. I’ve been staring into nowhere the entire time. My eyes follow the crash of the glass into the trash can where she dumps it. That’s how I feel, like trash, like shattered pieces of glass, unable to be put back together—thrown away.

  I inhale a deep breath as my phone vibrates on the table again. I reach for my phone to find two texts from Josh.

  Josh: UR MOM HAD THE BABY LAST NIGHT. THOUGHT U SHOULD KNOW.

  Josh: IT’S A GIRL.

  My eyes snap up to Emily’s as I shout, “My mom had her baby last night?”

  Her eyes widen, maybe Josh forgot to mention that to her. “I didn’t know.”

  I feel the weight of everything that has happened settle on my shoulders, pushing me down. More tears fall from my eyes, and I hate them. I hate these tears. I’m so pissed. I scream as loud as I can, banging my fists on the table, kicking a chair over to the side. Wiping my eyes, burying my head into my hands, I slide down to the floor with Emily there
in front of me without hesitation. “I’m so angry, Em. I’ve never felt this angry before. I’ve been so lost all this time, and then he writes me the most beautiful words, and I had to hear them from the mouth of a guy that kills me on the inside. I lost Josh because of Dean in the first place. I had another chance and I didn’t even know it. He stole that away from me. And now Josh thinks I did all of this willingly. Like I would ever—he has my heart. He ripped it out of my chest the day he left me in that bar—he took it with him. I didn’t even know he was in town. Did you?” I ask, and she shakes her head. “And now I find out I missed the birth of my little sister. I didn’t even know she was having a girl. I’ve been so distant. It’s just so much. I don’t know what to do with all of this I’m feeling.” My body trembles, and my insides turn inside out.

  I must be out of tears, because all I have left is a scowl on my face. Emily hugs me tight to her. “Well, let’s get you to the hospital,” she states matter of fact.

  In the car, my mind is consumed with regret and worry. I will have to see Josh at the hospital. It’s inevitable. I will always have to see him. He’s family now. We’re family now. Emily’s voice breaks me out of my head, “Are you going to tell Josh the truth?”

  Not the question I expected. “I don’t know yet,” I admit.

  “Why the hell not?” she asks, glancing at me from the driver’s side.

  “Because Em, he dumped me at that bar. He didn’t trust me, obviously, and now...he hates me. The fact that he can so easily believe I would do this to him says a lot about us. Don’t ya think?”

  She scoffs, “No, Riley, I don’t. I think it means y’all are normal. He is normal. Just like you jumped to the conclusion months ago that he was lying to you and sleeping with Preslee behind your back. He wasn’t. Y’all are letting two people ruin what could be beautiful...again.” She sighs when I don’t respond then side-glances at me, “You need to tell him, let him be there for you. I still think you need to press charges, Riley. Get a restraining order or something. This is crazy. He’s crazy. You have to see that.”