Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  I look away from the window and to her. “I see it, but it doesn’t change anything. Listen to me, Em. I can’t prove it. I don’t want to have to explain my stupidity to everyone. If I tell anyone, I will have to live this all over again. Face the judgment from people, from my mom. I don’t want to do that. Maybe, I will tell, Josh. Maybe, I won’t. But right now, I just want to pretend that it never happened. K?”

  “No, Riley. Not okay, you can’t just pretend it didn’t happen? That’s like saying you just want to forget this. It did happen. He would have raped you. Do you get that?”

  I feel my face warm and I grow exasperated. Completely pissed, I snap at her. “Don’t you think I know that? How could I forget it? His hands were in places without my permission. I said pretend, not forget. Trust me, there is no way I could ever forget it happened. When I close my eyes, I can see his face, hear his groans, the things he said to me.”

  Emily pulls into the parking lot and puts the car in park, killing the engine. “What did he say?”

  I unclick the buckle and bury my face in my hands trying to calm down. “Nothing I ever want to repeat. Thank you for bringing me. You don’t have to stay, Em.” I take a huge pull of air and look toward the hospital with uncertainty.

  I go to climb out of the car, but she grabs my hand making me look back at her. “I’m your best friend, Riley. I will always be there for you. I’m going with you to meet your baby sister. No if, ands, or buts about it. K?” I nod.

  We get inside and she tells me that she will be in the waiting room when I’m done. She hugs me tightly and I take another step into the wild unknown.

  After finding out which room and floor my mom is on, I take the elevator to get to her. I realize I have nothing to offer, no gift for the baby, no flowers for my mother. What does one give someone at a time like this? I sigh and find myself dazing off into space as the elevator door opens and shuts on various floors.

  I haven’t moved. I’ve ridden it up and down lost in my thoughts. What am I going to do? The only one that really needs to know the truth is, Josh. But then what would he think of me? I’m changed now. His enemy has touched me intimately, attempted to take something that only ever belonged to Josh and it’s my fault. My body is tarnished—tainted by dirty hands. Or was it? I didn’t ask Dean to touch me. I didn’t get naked for him willingly. I would never have given him my body. Ever. Would Josh understand? Would he see me as his still? And what do I do about Dean? Will he leave me alone now? Should I take some self-defense classes, get some pepper spray—a gun maybe? Do I need protection from him, or myself?

  A child begins to whine and complain to a parent in the elevator next to me. I blink my eyes, realizing I’m still standing in this elevator stuck in my own internal battle. I ride up two floors and get off, walking to my mom’s room, which has a pink, “It’s a girl” sign on the door. ‘Welcome Baby Parker is written in bold, colorful bubble letters on a poster board, obviously made by Tatum and Joey.

  I realize at this moment that I have been such a terrible sister, daughter and friend the past few months. I felt like my world had stopped and everyone’s kept going without me. I was never even there. Never paid attention to my mom’s growth during her pregnancy. Never felt flutters and kicks with my hand on her stomach. I acted as though this wasn’t happening, like it wasn’t real. Exactly like I’m doing now with Josh and Dean. I inhale deeply and force the thoughts away, burying them for now.

  I place my hand on the handle of the door and force my feet to move into the room where I find my mom sleeping soundly while her newborn baby squirms in the hospital bassinet next to her bed. I tip toe over to my new sister and gaze down at her. She’s so tiny. My breath catches at how beautifully perfect she is. I see her tiny hospital bracelet and read Jocelyn Faith Parker. Even her name is beautiful and I had no idea what it would be because I haven’t been around. A tear falls from my eye as I touch my fingertips to hers. She opens her tiny hand and instinctively wraps it around my one finger. I gasp softly and the noise must wake my mom because she opens her eyes.

  “Riley?”

  My throat is tight and I feel the heavy weight of these emotions in my chest. Squeezing tightly. My eyes are burning from the tears shed earlier and the unshed tears from now, so many tears. I blink away the glassy feeling but as soon as I do they fall from my eyes unbidden. “She’s beautiful,” I choke out.

  My mom studies me but doesn’t speak. “I love her name. It’s a mix of Dad and Josh’s Mom.”

  She smiles wistfully. “And Faith because it’s what we have for our families.”

  My eyes dart to hers. Eyes of a mother, I told didn’t exist for me any longer. Eyes I loathed for being so selfish. Was she, though? Didn’t she lose just as much as Tatum and I did when Dad died? He was her other half like Josh is mine. And he was gone. There one minute and taken from her the next. The blame, the guilt she felt probably killed her slowly. Do I wish she had found someone else to move on with? Absolutely, I turn back to Jocelyn and wonder about her. She looks like perfection. How could something so wrong create something so beautiful? Was it meant to be like this? My Mom with James and me without Josh? Was this destiny? Maybe. I hope not.

  My Mom reaches her hand out to grip mine as I stare at her baby, my sister. “Riley, are you okay?”

  I shake my head because I’m not. “Josh and I aren’t together anymore. We haven’t been since October,” I say. We never told them.

  Her eyes widen and she sighs. “Oh, Riley. Y’all are so young. You will make your way back to each other.”

  She says it like she is so sure. I’m not. “Maybe,” I say with a soft shrug. “Today was the first time I’d seen him in a while. It’s just hard now. Things have changed,” I explain, realizing she probably thinks I mean because of our sister.

  She moves the covers to her bed and encourages me to lie down beside her. At first I’m scared to do that, but then all I can think of us is how I need comfort. Security. I sniffle and wipe at my eyes. I climb into the bed next to my mom as she interlaces our fingers. I may hate her sometimes, but when I look back at my life, at the times when I felt lost, she helped me. She guided me with words and comfort. She loves me. I love her. She is my mother and I am her daughter.

  We both turn to the TV that is hanging on the wall across from her bed. Good Morning America is on and I watch Robin Roberts talk without really hearing anything she is saying. We lay in silence like this until the cutest little sounds come from the bassinet.

  “Do you want to feed her?” My mom asks me and I freeze.

  “Like hold her?” I ask frightened.

  “Yes, Riley. You’d have to hold her,” she smiles as I sit up and glance between her and Jocelyn.

  “But she’s so tiny. What if I drop her?” My heart is thumping wildly.

  “You won’t. Look under the bassinet, there is a tiny bottle of formula. You just need to attach the nipple to the bottle and then pick her up. Go on,” she coaxes me.

  I swallow hard and as the cute little sounds become a cry, I move quicker. My mom giggles and I want to glare, but I don’t. Instead, I reach under the bassinet and find the bottle and the nipple. I put the two together and prop it on the bassinet as I place my hands that look huge in comparison to her body underneath her neck and bottom.

  “Just hold her head and cradle her to your chest. Look, you’re doing perfect,” she says as I bring Jocelyn closer to me. Oh, my God...she smells heavenly. I sniff her soft hair and touch her cheek with my fingertips. Her mouth turns to my chest opening and closing, searching for something. It makes me chuckle. She grows impatient, fluttering her eyelids. She begins to cry again and I shush her as I grab the bottle and walk over to the rocking chair placed in the room. I haven’t taken my eyes off of her. I don’t think I can. My heart is beating rapidly and filling with instant love for her. Warming me from the inside out.

  I sit and place the nipple to her lips. She licks at it and it takes a few tries before she figures out what t
o do, and then she begins to suck greedily. Her tiny...oh, so tiny fingers wrap around my pinkie as I hold her. Her little body turns into mine curling up even smaller, and I immediately feel a flood of emotions. She’s just...she’s so much I can’t express.

  I look up to my mom with a huge smile on my face and find her cheeks covered in tears. “I love you, Riley,” she says with regret in her voice. “I never meant to ever hurt you. I’m sorry.”

  I stare at her and for the first time in a long time, I listen. “I know. I’m sorry, too. She’s just...perfect,” I say lost for words. My mom nods and I know her and I will be okay.

  Faith…that is what she said. That is what we have for our families. Can I hold on to that? Maybe it’s all I have left, too.

  I cast my eyes down to Jocelyn watching her own look deep into mine. Soul searching. It’s like they can climb inside of me and see everything I keep locked up tight. Her eyes look so much like my own, it’s breathtaking. She stares at me like she has known me forever. They grow heavy, blinking a few times and then they close. The nipple falls from her lips. I wipe the extra milk that has fallen from the sides of her precious mouth and look to my mom for what to do next. She’s smiling now.

  “Prop her on your shoulder and pat her back gently,” she encourages.

  I nod and move her to my shoulder carefully. She curls into a tiny ball with her whole body tucked in. Her head nestles into my neck and I’m so overwhelmed with the feeling of her there. She’s so tiny. It’s intimidating me. I gently pat her back and she burps, which makes me laugh softly.

  My mom chuckles at my reaction. “You will be a great mother one day,” she says and my eyes cut to hers, wide with wonder.

  Will I? Who will I share that moment with when that day comes? I lean my head into Jocelyn and inhale her sweet smell. My eyes shut and I instantly feel calmer.

  “Where’s Mr. James?” I ask her after several minutes pass.

  “He went home to shower and nap for a little while. He’ll be back later with the girls.” Her eyes grow heavy. She must be exhausted. I sit there holding this little life in my hands while she and my mom sleep. I shut my eyes and picture what my future may be like. I want it so badly, like I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. I want to feel life in my womb, Josh’s hand on my tummy as it flutters and grows. I want to be lying in a bed like that with him holding my hand as we look down at the precious perfection that we created out of love. My tears fall silently in a salty stream of loss. I place a kiss to Jocelyn’s forehead and carry her to the bassinet. Instantly feeling bereft without her in my arms.

  I glance at my mom sleeping and regret so many years of us pushing and pulling without ever being what we should have been for one another. Mother and daughter. Maybe, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes and wrong turns had I let myself feel the things that frighten me. Maybe I wouldn’t be standing here wishing for a drink to erase the feelings I have swirling around inside of me right now. I push that away and tell her what I should have said many times before. “I love you, too,” I whisper to her after I realize I didn’t tell her that back.

  She grins and squeezes my hand without opening her eyes. “I know you do, sweetheart.”

  I tuck the blankets around my mother and place a kiss to her forehead just as Josh has done to me for years. Comforting her this time, giving her love. With that kiss I forgive her. Can I forgive myself?

  CHAPTER 6

  Rage like I’ve never felt before is coursing through my body. Rage at everything and everyone—mostly myself for letting this window of opportunity even exist.

  “Open the fucking door. I know you’re in there,” I snarl, banging on Dean’s apartment door.

  He opens it looking satisfied and smug as hell. “What brings you by, Josh?”

  I punch him square in the face busting his lip instantly. He laughs and stumbles back, spitting blood to the floor then smirking. “Please, come in,” he gestures to his place and shuts the door behind me.

  I glance to the hall that I know leads to his bedroom. His apartment isn’t much different than Emily and Riley’s. He follows my eyes and bitterly laughs. “I could give you the tour; show you where the magic happened.”

  My eyes dart to his and narrow into murderous slits. That is how I feel—murderous. I can feel my body vibrating with anger, my blood boiling hotter and hotter. I want to kill him. His lips curl up slowly into a wicked smile, and I know whatever he is about to say will send me into a fit of rage.

  “Does she always make those whimpering moaning sounds when you make her come? God, I love that sound. Don’t you?”

  I fly at him before I even have a chance to catch my breath, or think. I didn’t even realize we had company until I feel arms pulling me off of him. Blood covers Dean’s face. His lips, eyes and face are swollen already. He didn’t fight me back. Not one punch. He’s a little bitch. Taunting me with the nasty words he keeps spewing—making me angrier—making me hit him harder.

  “Stop, Josh. This isn’t you. Stop!” Collin’s voice is hollering at me. I can’t hear beyond Dean’s words about Riley and how his fingers still smell like her, how she screamed his name, asked him to fuck her harder. Dean just laughs when I kick him in the ribs after that. I want him to fight back. I need him to fight and he won’t. Fight dammit. I want to fight.

  I shrug my arms out of Collin’s hold causing my elbow to connect with his lips. “Ah…shit!” he seethes.

  I curse and apologize while Dean scrambles to his feet. He has nothing on but athletic shorts. I stare hard at him, picturing him in bed with her. MINE! She’s mine. I repeat the lie to myself knowing she isn’t mine anymore.

  “Feel better?” Dean asks wiping at the blood dripping from his lips and nose.

  NO! No, I didn’t feel better. Would I ever? I didn’t answer. “I’ve got someone on speed dial that can help you ease away some of that tension you’re feeling. Preslee is really good at that, ya know?”

  He is twisted. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  Dean’s eyes flick to Collin’s, “Who are you here for, C? Him or me? Weird spot for you as always.”

  Collin growls and I look at him questioningly. He’s staring at Dean like he wants to rip him apart as well and it confuses me.

  I didn’t wait to hear his answer. I leave.

  I’m standing in the parking lot when Collin comes walking over to me. I don’t know where to go. To her? Home? To the hospital? Back to Louisiana? Where do I go from here? I don’t know where I belong anymore.

  He just stands there looking at me. I can see he has something to say, but isn’t. “Spit it out,” I snap.

  “You need to talk to, Riley.”

  “WHAT? Did you not hear the things he was saying in there? I can’t. Not right now.”

  “Why is it so easy to believe his words?”

  I tilt my head to the side and study him. “Is there something I don’t know? As usual that would be right?”

  Collin curses and runs his hands into his hair. “Yes,” he says simply.

  “So, tell me.”

  He shakes his head. “You need to hear this from her.”

  I stare at him annoyed and wondering what exactly I need to hear. Nothing could be worse than what I had already heard. Do I even want to hear anything from her? My phone vibrates in my hand with a text from my Dad.

  Dad: HEADING HOME FOR A SHOWER. WILL BRING THE GIRLS BACK LATER.

  Me: I’M NOT HOME BUT WILL MEET YOU BACK AT THE HOSPITAL SHORTLY.

  Dad: ANY WORD FROM RILEY?

  Me: SHE’S ON HER WAY

  I didn’t know if she was or wasn’t. Collin follows me back to the hospital to meet with Emily. When we get there he spots Emily’s car and I know Riley is here. I sit in my truck trying to get myself in check. Who am I kidding? I’ve never been angry with Riley—not like this. I’ve felt many things with her before: sad, hurt, confused—even mad, but never this. Never full of this kind of pain. This intense need to make he
r feel the same pain, burning inside of me.

  I glance down at the phone where the picture is. I look at her face resting against the headrest. Her eyes shut and her mouth parted for his lips. I’m torturing myself. It’s actually over. I pushed her away. I gave her to him.

  I walk into the hospital with Collin beside me. We meet Emily in the waiting room. She takes one look at both of us and jumps to her feet.

  “I hope you killed him,” she says in a serious tone.

  Her face completely masked. I study it, once again feeling like I’m missing something. I see the look pass between Collin and her. I’m always in the dark.

  I sigh, ignoring her comment and sit down in one of the chairs, feeling defeated. I hope my dad gets here soon. I don’t want to have a run in with her alone.

  Collin tugs Emily into a corner where they begin to argue in hushed tones. All I can hear is Emily tell him, “Riley doesn’t want him to know.” Of course.

  I take out my earplugs and put them in my ears, flipping through the playlists on my phone until I find Weak by Seether. For now, the music silences the pounding in my head and erases the ringing in my ears.

  CHAPTER 7

  Is there beauty in the breakdown? Will this flaw, this imperfection define who I am for the rest of my life?

  I walk out of my mom's hospital room with a heavy heart. I've been like a ghost in my own family—missing moments I can't get back. I swore I'd never make those same mistakes again. Yet, I also said I would never give anyone my whole heart, give them the power to crumble me. I failed at so many things.

  I know I hurt my mom. I could use the excuse that she hurt me first, but two wrongs don't make a right. She was alone and broken. I can understand that. I also know the power the Parker men have over women. It's the eyes and the sweetness that seeps from their pores. It’s almost not fair to be so beautiful. The female species don’t stand a chance against them.