“I don’t know why you’d think it would be about anything but you. You know how I feel. You’ll never admit your side in all of this though. You’re too hung up on what the right thing to do is, and that, Grace, will stop anything from happening between us. Because until you decide what you really want, we’re going nowhere.”
He was right, and I couldn’t hide from it. But what I wanted was scary and new and something that I’d been fighting for so long, it didn’t feel right to reach for it now it was right in front of me.
Breakfast arrived, and I let the food distract Maddison from the lack of conversation due to my internal dialogue.
Why, the one time he was sensible and logical about an argument or problem, did it have to be about us?
The rest of the meal was painfully awkward. I nibbled my way through my bagel, unable to stomach it due to the ball of nerves in the way.
The words Oliver had thrown at me about Maddison being there for me after he’d left drifted into my head. Oliver had given me a way through this mess of emotions, but I was still scared. Were my feelings honest? Could I trust them after being divided for so long?
Something had to change, and maybe that was me, and perhaps it was time to take some of Maddison’s courage for myself?
We left the diner and drove home. My palms turned clammy, and for once, it was my leg that started to bounce on the floor. It was time to be honest and show Maddison the respect he deserved.
“Everything you’ve said is true. I have been hiding, and I’m scared of my feelings. I have been for years because they aren’t normal. Oliver walked away, but perhaps it should have been me to make that step. But hey, I made the choices I did for my own reasons. And I’m not about to jump into something with you. We can’t rush this. You’ve been my best friend for over ten years. If we do this, I could lose you, and that’s a risk that terrifies me.”
He turned off the engine as we parked up, and I followed him out of the car, now desperate to hear his response. He barred me from entering the house—his arm blocking the path and giving me no option but to look at him.
“You won’t lose me, Grace. You’ll never do that.” He pushed my hair from my face and ran the long strands through his fingers. It set my nerves alight and my heart racing.
“Easy for you to say. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. It’s lame and stupid, and I realise that I’m a grown woman saying this, but if this is going to work, I want us to be honest with each other.”
“Honesty, I can do. And, there’s no secret to being a girlfriend.” He crowded me, steering me inside the house. “Just be the beautiful and kind girl you already are. But let me kiss you when I want. Deal?”
My back bumped against the hall wall, and the door clicked shut behind Mads. His smile stretched over his mouth like he’d just cornered his prey.
I smiled at him in return, anticipation fluttering around my chest. “Deal.”
He leaned over me, and I tilted my head up to meet him. He brushed his lips over mine, just a tease, before he kissed me, put all of his weight against me, and pressed me against the wall. I gave in, and finally let it happen, taking his lead and let myself get wrapped up in the sensations. His hands wrapped around my waist and anchored me to the spot. Emotions overwhelmed me as if a dam had finally broken and swept away my fears and worries. I didn’t think, I acted and responded, kissing him back the way his lips were moving over mine.
He tasted of salt and coffee, and I allowed myself to get lost in him. To finally give in to the pull, the desire, and the temptation that had always been bubbling under the surface.
As his arms pulled me tighter, I become acutely aware of every part of Maddison’s body and his reaction to me. The thought started me trembling, and I pulled back a little, suddenly nervous, but for an entirely different reason.
“Relax. We’ll get to that, but you asked for slow. I’m not going to rush this. I’ve waited for you for years. I can wait a little longer.”
But I suddenly didn’t want to go slowly or wait. Hadn’t we waited long enough?
I reached my arms around his neck, and pulled him back to my mouth, desperate to show him that this was what I wanted—that I wanted him.
“Grace… Baby, slow down.”
“Why?” I panted, breathing him in.
He pushed my shoulders back, keeping me away, and I looked at him in confusion. “Because I’m not a fucking saint, and I’ve wanted you for a long time. Don’t tempt me and then take it away.”
“I’m not. I want this.” I started to move towards him again, needing to show him I was serious.
“But last night you stopped.”
“Because we were both angry. I wasn’t ready to let you take me to bed without working out where things stood between us. This is important to me. You’re important to me.”
He leaned his head against mine, taking a moment to catch our breaths. “You want this? Now?”
“Yes,” I said confidently, despite the heavy feeling of nerves weighing me down, I was excited and felt a little giddy. Like admitting my feelings and allowing this to play out was what I was meant to do all along. And those nervous feelings had morphed into a sexy desperateness that made me want to run my hands all over him, not hold him off. I hadn’t been sure what I was meant to be feeling, staring up at the boy I was about to sleep with, but there was no doubt. Not now. Holy Shit!
Maddison grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the stairs, and déjà vu struck, except there was no anger this time. We both wanted this. We both knew what we were risking, but I was tired of never being truly happy.
Before we made it into the bedroom, he stopped, letting me run into him, and cupped my face, peppering me with kisses. They grew in urgency and passion, and I lost my breath in his arms. We made it into his room, but he didn’t slow down. We crashed onto his bed. He rolled away from me, pulling his t-shirt over his head and shoving his jeans down his legs like he was in a race until he was just in his boxers.
The definition of each muscle was stark. Like an artist had paid great attention to marking the shadows they cast. He was glorious, and I desperately wanted to reach out and run my fingers over his skin. So I did. But, before I’d had my fill, Mads grabbed the hem of my shirt, pulled it over my head and moved onto my jeans. His movements were urgent, bordering on desperate, and it fuelled something within me. His need overrode my nerves, and I focused on him rather than what was coming.
His fingers fumbled at my waist as he rushed to get rid of my jeans. Before I had a chance to think about what underwear I put on this morning, I was lying in just that. In front of my best friend. He drew his eyes over my body, sending goose bumps erupting over my skin. Mads didn’t let me grow cold, he smothered me with his body, warming me with skin.
“Grace, you’re perfect, and driving me crazy.” His complaint was emphasised by his kisses as he covered my neck and chest in between each word. I felt lightheaded, and a little out of control.
Maddison’s hands trailed over my skin and reached around my stomach and slipped under my knickers. A gasp snuck from my lips, but I forced my body to calm down and not clam up. His finger slipped inside of me, and it was electric, sending a buzzing around my body as he grazed the sensitive flesh. He increased the pressure, and I caught my breath. Mads dropped his head on a groan. “Jesus, Grace. You’re wet for me. For me.”
He stopped working his finger inside of me and leaned over to his bedside table. The sound of a crackle made me watch as I saw him open and roll a condom on. He leaned back to me, pushing my legs wide so he had room between them. With one arm supporting his weight, the other pushed his tip to my entrance, before he leaned forward.
The sting radiated through my body, and my teeth grit together, but I knew that was just because this was my first time. I sucked in a deep breath before Maddison pushed against me again, this time edging in farther.
His eyes locked on mine, searching for signs of pain, but he didn’t stop, just slowed, and tried
to take it steady. A few more back and forth movements and the first heat of the sting subsided, leaving a warmth that had started to spread.
“You okay?” he panted at me.
I nodded, my voice suddenly stuck as I took in what we were doing.
Maddison rocked harder, moving his hips back and forth quicker and quicker. My arms wrapped around his shoulders because I wanted him closer to me, but he stayed over me, his thrusts gaining ferocity, and jolting both of us up the bed. It was rougher, more aggressive than I thought it would be. He wasn’t gentle or timid, but it felt… good. My body responded to his, a wave of heat taking over, and turning the sensation to need. That need only grew until I wanted more of… something.
“Fuck, Grace,” Maddison panted, slamming into me, harder and harder. It wasn’t painful, but only just—hovering on a dangerous line that a part of me wanted to stop. My nails gripped into his back as I tried to stem the movement, but it did nothing for either of us. It was like I was chasing something, desperate for him to rub or press in just the right place to unleash something deep within me.
Maddison paused, repositioning his arms, and that’s when he hit whatever I needed. The change in angle rubbed against my clit and sparked the building sensation within me that I’d been desperate to find without knowing what it was. My body felt set to burst, all my muscles tightening, quickening, and spiralling to a point, ready to come apart.
“Yes!” The crest hit and pulled a strangled cry from my mouth. I didn’t even recognise my voice. Mads responded instantly, his hips now slapping against me over and over until he stilled above me, the muscles in his neck contracting as he grunted and panted.
He rolled to the side, saving me from his weight, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I want to be cocooned by Maddison and never come up for air.
We’d waited so long for this, and I bathed in the hazy bliss, fighting to keep my eyes open and failing. I rolled towards him, and he welcomed me against his chest.
Somewhere, now I’d found it, I had no intention of leaving.
Chapter 19
Grace 20 Years Old
I’d thought that finally giving in to my feelings and embracing my heart for once, would banish all of my doubts—that it would be a new start and an opportunity to be not just happy, but content and settled. And I was, for the most part. But the honeymoon phase didn’t last long.
Being with Maddison was addictive. He made me feel indestructible. As a boy, he’d given me the courage to do things I wouldn’t normally do, but I’d forgotten that sometimes, that courage also got me into trouble. And it was a long time since I climbed trees or jumped over streams. Now, it was parties and fights. And, although I hated what he was doing, I got sucked into his world.
The world I’d always looked in on was now open for me to be a part of, and it was such a tempting offer. For years I’d distanced myself, and now I didn’t need to. Maddison loved me, and that knowledge smoothed the road enough for me to embrace it.
He held me to our deal—to kiss him regularly, and I soon found myself craving those kisses as much as he did. The tension between us always simmered, but I’d learnt that only made things all the hotter between us. Our chemistry intensified, and I enjoyed exploring a new kind of friendship with him.
We fought over one thing—fighting—and I was getting tired of losing. I’d been to two fights before we were together, and two after. Luckily, they didn’t happen often, but Maddison had become increasingly focused on securing more. It was like the ultimate high for him. You could see that he relished in the win and everything it gave him, but I hated them.
The last two fights, his friend Leo had come to find me when it all started, like my own personal bodyguard, and he made sure I was back next to Mads as soon as he was clear of the ring. Instead of leaving at the first opportunity, Maddison introduced me to Zuri, his trainer, and in turn, Zuri introduced Mads to more people after the fights. He was invited to parties, which he accepted, and became the popular kid I’d always known him to be. He wasn’t the new kid in the ring anymore, and his reputation was growing.
“Hey, I have lectures in the morning.” I put my hardly-sipped cup of beer on the nearest surface and nodded towards the door.
“Sure. Five minutes,” Maddison agreed but turned his attention back to the group of people lingering around him. I shook my head and went to find the bathroom in this house. Some guy of a guy who was ‘big’ in this business was throwing this get together, but as far as I could tell, it’s just another excuse to get drunk and chat crap.
I took care of business and made a stop in the kitchen to grab a glass of water. It didn’t matter how many of these things Mads dragged me too I wasn’t suddenly going to love getting drunk at rubbish parties.
A giant of a guy blocked my path as I tried to make my way back to Maddison.
“Hey, pretty thing.”
“Excuse me,” I said politely, looking to pass.
“Oh, not so fast. Where’s the rush. I’ll grab you a drink.”
“I’m fine, thank you. I was just leaving.” My ears started to buzz as adrenalin kicked into my blood at his intimidation tactics.
“Oh, really? What a shame.” He reached out his hand to swipe at my hair around my shoulders. I stepped back, avoiding the contact, but now, I was farther into the kitchen. My heart started to thunder in my chest as my stomach turned in a funny way. The guy stepped closer towards me, and I scanned to find any options of escape. Maddison and his guys were in the room opposite, and there was no line of sight.
Giant guy stalked closer as I continued to back away. “Oh, don’t play hard to get now. We’re all here to have a good time.”
“No, I was just leaving. With Maddison.”
“You’re Maddison’s girl?” He paused, looking me up and down. “Well, well.”
I’d hoped the name drop would stop him in his tracks. Instead, he simply grinned at me, displaying a dirty smile of crooked teeth that made my stomach churn with nausea.
If I could have moved nearer the door, I could’ve called out to get Maddison’s attention. Surely that would have been enough, right? It was the only plan my panicked brain could muster and was weak at best, but my choices were limited. How come nobody wanted a drink or food from the kitchen right then?
“Hey, Mads,” I feinted, keeping my eyes directed just behind the guy blocking the path. It was enough to distract him for a moment as he turned to see who was behind him. I dove around him towards the door. Just as I was clear, he snagged my wrist in a tight grip, yanking me back away from the door. “Maddison!” I shouted as loudly as my lungs could before I was back in front of the man who’d taken this way too far.
“You’ll regret that.” He held my wrist in his iron-grip as he brushed my cheek, sending a wave of shudders through me.
“What the fuck, man,” Maddison’s voice bellowed inside the kitchen.
“You didn’t tell me you had such a pretty girl, Mads.”
“Get your fucking hands off her, Jay.” Maddison barged in between us, pushing me behind him and then shoving Jay against the fridge, shaking the contents.
“No harm. No harm.” Jay put his hands up in defence, realising that Mads wasn’t calming down.
“I’ll fucking finish you.” Mads jabbed his finger into Jay’s face.
“Only in the ring, motherfucker, and we both know that ain’t happening yet. But at least now I know what my price will be.” He looked at me, narrowing his eyes and reminding me of the chaffing around my wrist.
“Never gonna happen. Mark my words.”
“Well, I’d like to see you try another way. My price is her.”
Maddison’s face turned ruddy before he looked at me. He stalked forward, grabbed my wrist just as hard, and tugged me out of the kitchen and house.
“Slow down, Mads. Mads, wait. Stop… you’re hurting me.” I tried to slow down, but he didn’t stop, pulling me behind him like I was a naughty child being taken home from a party. My feet tri
ed to keep up, stumbling a few times in my Converse.
We were nearly at the car before Mads finally let go, but he kept walking, shoving his arms up through his hair. “Fuck!” he shouted.
“What’s the problem?” I asked, confused at what the hell was going on. That guy was moments away from trying something, or worse, assaulting me, and now I felt like I was the one in the wrong.
“Jay. The fucking prick, that’s what.”
“Well, I got that. What did he mean by his price being me?” Although having that explained didn’t really make the list of top explanations I wanted right then, I needed to hear what Mads thought.
“Nothing. He just said that to wind me the fuck up.”
“Well, it worked. Can we just go?” I rubbed at my wrist, now throbbing from the abuse. I gingerly approached the car that Mads was still pacing around and waited for him to open it up. “Mads?” I prompted.
“Why him. Of all the fucking guys, it had to be him?” He turned to look at me, his eyes narrowing as if he was waiting for an answer.
“Hey, I didn’t do anything. It was that jerk who came on to me. Jeez, Mads, listen to yourself. Open the car. I want to go home.” I pointed to the door with my eyes, my frustrations and hurt seeping into my voice. Luckily, the pain radiating from my wrist kept my tears at bay, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide them all night.
When we arrived home, I unlocked the door and marched straight to my bedroom, furious at everything that had happened tonight. We’d been sleeping in Maddison’s room since we got together, except the nights he was out too late, but I didn’t want to be anywhere near him right now. I pushed my door wide open, checked that Bob was in his usual position, and then slammed it shut.
“Come on, Grace. I’m sorry. I was mad.”
“Well, you can be mad on your own. I’m not ready to talk to you right now.” I kept the pissed-off tone going. There was no way he got to treat me like that.
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 16