The thud on the other side of my door made me jump.
“I’m sorry,” he offered, in a much calmer voice. But I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.
I stripped off, found a comfy t-shirt and buried myself under my covers. Bob came to comfort me, snuggling in under my chin. My true safety blanket.
The morning light trickled through my curtains and slowly woke me. Bob stretched as I moved and disturbed his slumber. My sleep had been sound, considering the events of the night before. I’d imagined nightmares of ogres with bad teeth would be sure to visit me.
At the door, I listened to see if there was any sign of movement, before creeping out. As the night replayed over and over in my mind, I knew I wasn’t ready to talk to Maddison. Or how to even start that conversation.
The feeling of betrayal was new for me, but it hurt just like any other kind of pain—hallowing out a place in your chest and spreading like poison.
I cracked the door and looked across the landing. Maddison’s door was still ajar, but that didn’t mean much. I eased out, heading for the stairs, when I saw him, slumped over against the wall outside of my bedroom. It looked as if he’d fallen asleep there, and now the thud made sense.
Dashing for the stairs, I made it before he woke.
I filled the kettle and put it on, staring at the appliance as if it had all the answers I needed. Why did Maddison think this was my fault? Why couldn’t he see this as anything but his ‘friend’ being an arsehole? My hand shook as I reached for a mug to make my morning coffee.
“I’m sorry.”
I ignored Maddison as he appeared at the door, carrying on with my chores.
“That’s not enough, not for what you said to me, or how you made me feel. You blamed me.”
“And I’m sorry. I was a jerk and clearly wasn’t thinking.” He inched closer towards me, and I suddenly didn’t want to be trapped like I was last night. I stood up straight and shook my head. At least he could read what I was telling him.
“Why? Why couldn’t you have just made sure I was okay and been pissed at him like anyone else would be. Why was it such a big deal?” The ache in my chest summoned the tears I thought were in my past, and they misted my eyes. A part of my heart clung to the hope that Maddison would only have reacted like that for a good reason, but I was terrified of what that reason could be.
“Because Jay is one of the guys I’ll have to beat in the future.”
“What do you mean?”
“There are levels, sort of anyway, and you’re paired with someone on your level. You fight, you progress. The higher the level, the harder the opponent, the bigger the purse and all that.”
“So?”
“So, Jay is the guy I need to fight if I want to progress. But he’s saying it’s not worth his time. He’s blocking me.”
“So?” I repeated. “Just ask for someone else.” It didn’t seem that hard a problem to solve.
He slammed the jam of the doorway. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Well, if he’s blocking you, speak to Zuri. He’s supposed to cover this stuff, right?”
“Yeah, again, isn’t that simple.” He gritted his teeth, growing more and more impatient as I failed to see the problem here.
“And what did he mean by me being the price.”
“He was messing with my head. Don’t worry about that.”
Was he insane? He had unrealistic expectations of my imagination if he though comments like that weren’t going to spin me into a frenzy. I busied myself with my coffee and walked into the other room, slumping on the sofa, drawing my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly.
Maddison and I had been friends for so long. We’d been together under a year, yet the gulf that had opened between us overnight seemed scarier than anything else we’ve faced.
“I’m sorry about last night.” He followed after me.
“You’ve said that already. But why do I get the impression that you’re more sorry about your fights, than how you treated me?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Really? I thought we’d always be honest with each other?”
“We are.” He protested, but it felt insincere.
“Just… leave me alone.”
“Don’t you have a lecture?” He glanced at my state of undress.
“Oh, now you’re worried about my education?” It was spiteful, but I was so mad right then, I didn’t care.
“Whatever.” He walked away, shaking his head, and I was left to sit in my own anger.
That argument was the first crack, the first sign that our happily ever after wouldn’t be as easy as I’d hoped. But then, we were still finding our own way. True love never ran smoothly. I placated myself with clichéd words to comfort the doubt that had once again taken up residence at the centre of my chest.
Chapter 20
Grace 21 Years Old
It was funny—I’d moved out and taken my chance with Maddison because I’d thought my world was on pause, and I wanted to do something about that. To finally take charge and grab hold of what I wanted.
But it had been hard to find the positives in the few months after our argument, and I retreated further and further within myself. I’d completed Uni. Finished, and with any luck, I’d scraped through with a decent degree.
I spent all my time at home, or the pub where I still worked, and I had even fewer friends now than ever. Maddison might have insisted things were different, but they were his friends, people he was familiar with, that he wanted to spend time with or impress. They weren’t mine.
The lustre of the life he led had worn off as soon as he took that creep’s side against mine all those months ago. Sure, I went to parties still. But I’d learnt my lesson—I didn’t let Maddison out of my sight. And he needed me to be the designated driver for the most part. It seemed that drinking was increasingly required at these parties now.
We’d called a truce on me attending the fights. I didn’t know if that was because he didn’t have one to work towards, or he’d given up on asking me to attend, but that didn’t shift Maddison’s focus. He’d become obsessed with working out and training. He was working around the clock and refused to listen to anyone. His stubborn streak had grown, along with his ego, and he didn’t care who saw.
But despite all of that, I still clung to the knowledge that we loved each other. Because when it was good between us, all the bad and the hurt faded into the background, and I didn’t care about anyone else but him.
“So, where are you taking me?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be called a surprise if I told you, right?” His smile was seductive and sent a beat of lust through my blood.
It was my twenty-first. A big birthday, apparently, and I’d been looking forward to this for weeks. Finally, some quality time with Maddison that didn’t involve us in bed—at least for the start of the night, anyway.
“What about a clue? Dress code, for example?” I wrapped my arms around his neck, enjoying the sparkle in his eyes.
“Wear something… sexy.” He twitched his eyebrows at me, and I giggled.
“Okay. That’s limited, but I’ll try my best.”
“Don’t be stupid. You’re impossibly sexy without even trying. A dress, wear a dress.”
“Okay. As you asked so nicely.”
He kissed me, his lips demanding as usual. The taste of salt with a hint of mint was so familiar now, our mouths so in tune with each other, it was intoxicating and hard to resist.
“You’ve got half an hour,” he murmured around more kisses and de-tangled my arms. “Go, or we’ll be late.”
The restaurant, the meal, Maddison in a shirt with his sleeves rolled to show his forearms… everything about the evening was perfect. Even my dress worked out. Maddison made me feel like I was the only girl in the room, and my heart expanded to the point that I was scared it might burst. I needed this. We needed this.
For the entire night, I had no worries about anything outside of our
bubble, and it was the perfect birthday gift. It reminded me of when things were easier between us, and when we were still exploring each other as boyfriend and girlfriend—our new kind of adventure.
“I love you. You know that, right?” Mads rubbed circles on the back of my hand as we headed back towards the car.
“Of course. I love you, too.”
“Good. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. And now I have you, sometimes I worry you’re going to wake up and realise this is all a mistake.”
“No, no, that won’t happen.” I pulled him to a stop at the car and looked into his eyes. In these moments, I saw the vulnerability that was so raw within him. He’d been the same since he was a boy, with a tough exterior or mask to hide his soft spots. I thought I’d seen them all, but obviously not.
“God, I love you,” he declared, kissing me hungrily. It ignited a passion within me, and before I knew it, he’d bumped me up against the car. His lips persisted as if he was trying to show me just how much I meant to him, and it drugged me, sending me giddy in seconds.
His hands trailed down my sides and reached the hem of my dress, playing with the slide from material to skin.
“Hey, hey, slow down. Let’s go home.” I panted, acutely aware we were out in a public place.
“Fine. But once we’re home, all bets are off.” He smiled at me, the insecurity now gone and only replaced with his desire for me. It was a complete turn on, and the anticipation had me tensing my thighs and tapping my foot all the way home. He was ridiculously handsome with his dirty blonde hair tamed just enough, and smart shirt, pulled dangerously tight across his muscular arms. And the best part, I knew just how good he looked out of the clothes as well.
As soon as the front door was open, Maddison attacked.
My back hit the cold wall of the hallway as he pressed his body against mine. His fingers moved to the hem of my dress, and he slipped his hands under the material, caressing my legs until he ran them to cup my bum. The intensity, as he kept up the intoxicating kisses, bordered on overwhelming, but I was right there on the edge with him, wanting nothing more than to get lost in him.
“God, you drive me crazy,” he complained, running his lips over my jaw and up to the spot just behind my ear. “I used to hope that if I finally got to have you, that I’d stop feeling this out of control around you. But it’s just made it worse.”
His hands ran all over me, pushing my hair back, running over my chest, and back down to my legs. He was everywhere—the desperation seeping into me and making my chest hurt, and my stomach quiver.
He slipped his finger inside the edge of my knickers and ran the tip along my sensitive flesh, sending sparks of desire shooting around my body.
“Grace…” When he pleaded my name like that, it made me feel sexy and powerful, despite Maddison being the one in charge.
He manoeuvred us a few feet through into the front room where his hands twisted me at my waist to face away from him. His palm planted in the centre of my back and pressed me down. With nowhere to go, I braced against the table in front of me. The sudden and unfamiliar movement sent a shock of heartbeats through my body, quickening my pulse and my breathing. He eased me by working his fingers back inside my knickers. This time his touch was insistent, pushing inside of me in purposeful thrusts. I widened my stance, limited by the cut of my knickers to give him more room.
“Fuck, yeah.”
The sound of material and the clink of his belt filled in the blank spaces between us and joined my ragged breaths. He shoved my dress up over my hips before I felt the tip of his cock rub along at my entrance. He positioned, then pushed forward, hard, thrusting up inside of me. The invasion lifted me onto my toes, and I took a gasp of breath as I tried to lean farther forward on instinct.
We’d had sex plenty of times, and I’d learned that like everything else with Mads, he needed to control, and he liked things on the harsh side. Just like our first time, there was never slow or tender lovemaking. It was more desperate than that like he couldn’t quite control his need for me. And I’d always got off on it because it’d always been sexy as hell and left us both sated and sweaty.
But there was an edge to this that I’d not felt before. His palm stayed on my back, keeping me down while his other hand gripped at my hip, anchoring me in place. He punched his hips forward, jolting me and pushing my hips into the table, and his rhythm didn’t break.
“Mads… slow down.” I tried to move back, to ease the pressure that had shifted from pleasure to discomfort. But he didn’t hear me. He was rough and wild with his movements, which jarred against me. Harder and harder, he moved, and discomfort slid into pain. This wasn’t right, this didn’t feel good in any way, and panic flashed inside my chest as it welled up and threatened to overtake. The sound of our skin slapping together echoed around the room, punctuating the stark reality of what was happening.
I tried again to push up off of the table, but his hand kept me planted. I twisted my head to try and see him—to make him see me. “Mads!”
“Yes! Fuck, Grace.” He moved his hand from my back to grab both my hips and yanked me back into him as he spilt inside of me. He finished, pumping a few more times as the pressure on my skin released.
“Jesus,” he panted. He pulled out and rearranged himself before leaning over me and kissing my cheek. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
“I’ll be up in a bit. I’ll grab a shower first.” My throat choked around my words, but I pushed them out.
I waited until he was out of sight before I followed him upstairs and shut the bathroom door, hiding away. I set the water running and turned the heat all the way up until steam billowed around the tiny room. The mirror over the sink showed my ashen face looking back, with a red patch to one side where my face had rested against the table.
My hips were tender, and there was a red mark running across the top of my thighs where the table had bitten into my skin. And I felt sore. Not like our first time, but raw.
Used.
As the heat encompassed me, I went over the events and tried to identify what had gone wrong, but there was nothing. It was the perfect date for my birthday until it wasn’t. Maddison had just taken things too far, and before I realised I’d wanted it to stop, it was too late.
The heat revived me and washed away the nasty afterthoughts of the night. I crept into our room and pulled the covers back. Maddison was already asleep, but I still rolled towards him, finding my place over his heart where I felt the safest. His arms encompassed me, and I let this feeling of comfort surround me, and I vowed never to let anything like this happen between us again.
The weeks that followed my birthday returned us to our normal. Maddison wasn’t as aggressive when we made love, and my shadow of worry every time we were intimate began to fade. Except that Maddison was in a permanent bad mood. He was out of the house, training or working, but even when he was home, he was cranky and rude.
When you live with someone and know them as well as I knew Maddison, you know when there’s something on their mind or troubling them, and something was off.
He dumped his plate in the sink so hard that I was surprised it didn’t crack into pieces. Two weeks of feeling like I’d been caught in his crosshairs, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I switched the hob off and turned to face him.
“Will you just tell me what the problem is?” I moaned, desperate to an end of all the slamming of doors, grunts, and frowns.
“Trust me, you won’t want to know.” He scowled and paced out of the kitchen.
His response at least narrowed it down for me, but I wasn’t ready to give this up, so I followed him into the lounge. “Did you lose a fight?” I asked tentatively, although I couldn’t remember him coming home with any scrapes or bruising.
“No, of course not.”
“Then what is it because I’m sick of you being in such a bad mood around the house?” I was a little fiercer than I thought I could be, but everything that had happened over the last
few weeks had taken its toll on me.
“I have a fight. And I want you to be there. Happy now?”
“Not particularly.” I dropped my head, realising that we’re never going to be through with this. “I assumed you didn’t need me there anymore. I haven’t seen you fight for months.”
“If I had my way, you’d be there at every fight. But you’ve made your feelings perfectly clear.”
“So, you’ve still been fighting?” I narrowed my stare at him, feeling like he’d gone behind my back. Although, I’d never told him to stop, not really.
“Yeah. Why do you think I train so hard? I’m not going to jack this all in when I’m actually good at it. You didn’t even know I was still doing it, I’m that good. Nobody can touch me.” He stepped forward, and all that was missing was the figurative banging of his fists on his chest.
“If you’ve been winning all this time, why now?” I crossed my arms defiantly.
“Because this is a main event fight. I need this. It’s what I’ve been working for. For us.”
My mind raced back to the guy he was meant to fight—Jay—the sleaze at the party. “Is it against the guy at the party? Is that why you need me there?” I remembered their weird standoff and confrontation, and what Jay had said before we left. There was a subtext that although Mads denied, I couldn’t shake.
He stood over me, looking into my eyes like he was searching for something he’d lost. “You think I’d put you on the line in a fight against someone? That I’d risk that? That I’d risk you?”
His words squeezed my heart as I realised my mistake and what my stupid assumption had done. “No, well, no…”
“How could you even think that?” He seethed as he clenched his jaw.
“It’s these fights. They bring out the worst in both of us. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you. But you want to progress, and you told me this guy was blocking your way.”
“And so, you thought the worst of me?”
“I’m sorry.” Guilt rose from my gut, swallowing me up as I saw it from his side. Tears stung my eyes as I recognised I’d made all of this so much worse.
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 17