Because if I’d said before us, then that meant we’d failed, and all my fears about Maddison and I being more than friends would be realised. And despite how bad things were, I couldn’t think that way. I wasn’t ready for that.
Vivien’s car was in the drive, so I knocked on the door, desperate to see a friendly face.
“Hello, there, stranger.” She opened the door with such a warm smile. I couldn’t help but feel better the instant she looked at me.
“Hey, sorry for just dropping in like this.”
“Don’t be silly. You’re always welcome.”
“Thank you.” I stepped inside and cast my eyes around for any sign of Maddison, but I didn’t see anything. Just clean and clear work surfaces—everything in its place. Just like it always was.
She led me through to the kitchen and headed to fill the kettle. “So, it’s been a while. I was hoping that when you and Maddison started dating, I’d see more of you, not less.” She rubbed my arm as she retrieved the cups.
“I’m sorry. I guess I got caught up in everything and didn’t realise. How are you? I think I’ve nearly mastered your lasagne recipe.” I tried to make light conversation.
“Well, I’m glad to hear that. We’re good. It’s quiet, but we keep ourselves busy.” She paused, her eyes drifting off to somewhere out of the window and I knew she was thinking about both of her sons.
I’d shut Oliver from my mind for so long, out of self-preservation as well as respect for Maddison, that the thought of him seemed almost alien. Standing here, and seeing Vivien, showed me how lonely I’d become without even realising.
We took a seat around the table. “So, how’s Mads? The last he told us, he was taking you out for your birthday.” The casual glance to my left hand wasn’t discreet, and I pulled my hands back into my lap and left the cup of tea on the table.
“It was a lovely evening. Not too many occasions to get all dressed up like that. But I do miss your birthday cakes.”
“Well, you have nobody but yourself to blame there, kiddo. There will always be cake for your birthday, but only if you’re here.” She giggled at me.
“Thank you. That means so much to me.” Her words hit me with a sense of belonging that had been missing in the last few months between Mads and me.
“You’ve always been a part of the family. It’s a shame we don’t get to see you so much anymore.”
“I’ll make sure I change that. No matter what,” I tagged onto the end, but not quietly enough.
“Oh? Everything okay?” She shifted her position and leaned forward.
“Mads hasn’t been home for a few days. Has he been here?” I blurted it out.
“No, we’ve not seen him in weeks. Is everything okay?” Her worry sparked off my own fear about what could have happened to him. Those worries in my head were fast building credence like a snowball running away downhill.
“I think he’s just avoiding me, but I wish he’d just talk.” I sounded as exacerbated as I felt.
“Did you have a fight?”
I nodded but gave Vivien an innocent smile.
“Couples fight all the time. And we both know how he can be.”
“You mean, angry?” I asked, not entirely sure which trait she was referring to. With Maddison, it could have been many.
“Well, yes. But I meant that moody nature he’s always had. Even as a small child, he wanted everything on his own terms. He had to be the best, the bravest, the most popular. It caused problems between both of them so many times.” She shook her head as if she was still reprimanding them.
I remembered that. They would fight over anything and everything, but then be the best of friends in the blink of an eye. “I remember.” The problem was, I wanted that back: the easy, carefree friendship that sustained me—us—for years.
“He’d always be so single-minded.” She drifted off again as if she was remembering something. A tear shimmered in her eye, but she turned away to hide it from view before it had a chance to fall.
“Silly me, getting all nostalgic like that.” She cleared the tea mugs to the sink.
“Is everything okay?” This wasn’t the Vivien I used to know.
“Yes, it’s nothing. Back to you and Maddison. I’m sure he’ll work this out. You know how much he adores you.” Vivien looked at me with a hopeful smile.
“I know he does.” I stopped short of filling in the rest of my concerns. If this were just about how much we loved each other, things wouldn’t be a problem.
“There’s a but coming, isn’t there.” I worried that she’d see right through me to the doubts I had if I started opening up, so I told a little white lie.
“I’m just worried about him. It’s the second time he’s done this.”
“I’ll reach out to him. Tell him he needs to watch how he’s treating you.”
“No, no, I don’t need you to do that. That’s not what I wanted when I came here. But I thought you should know, and that maybe you could help?” I stood and inched myself to the door. The atmosphere had grown awkward like we were both skirting around the issue at hand.
Before I made it to the door, Vivien grabbed me and pulled me to her, wrapping me in her arms.
“Oh, Grace. I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this. Don’t give up on him. He loves you so very deeply. If anyone can make him see sense, it’s you.”
“See sense?” I asked, pulling back from her embrace. Did she know what Maddison had got mixed up in?
“Treating you right, behaving, the usual Maddison things. That’s all I meant.” She tried to cover up her slip, but it was too late.
“Do you know what he’s involved in?” My lips quivered around the words like if I admitted them, they’d suddenly mean more.
“We have had our suspicions. He won’t admit anything to us outright, and he’s not been here in weeks. But with what you’ve said, and what he’s like in general, we can put the pieces together.”
“What should I do?” I asked, suddenly finding the question that I’d wanted help to answer all along.
“Oh, darling. I can’t answer that for you.” She took my hands in hers. “And I wish I could say for you to follow your heart, but I know that’s never been easy.” Vivien didn’t need to mention his name. I knew who she meant. “All I’ll ever ask is for you to try. It’s never been easy for him, and you’ve been such an important part of his life. But he has a stubborn streak that’ll be the death of him if he’s not careful.”
“You’ll let me know if you see him? Tell him I’m worried?”
“Of course. Have you seen your mother? I know she’s been missing you.”
“I’ve been so bad at staying in touch.” It wasn’t just friends I’d neglected in my sorrowful moods.
“Don’t you worry about that right now. One thing at a time.”
“Thank you.” I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes.
Sadness followed me on the short and oh-so-familiar walk over the green to the house I called home. That short distance was enough time for a mass of storm clouds to brew inside my chest. Fuelled by doubt and confusion, heartache and fear, I was ready to burst by the time I walked up to the door.
I knocked on the door to my old home. It was ridiculous—I still had my key, but over the past few months, I’d barely seen Mum. She opened the door and looked at me with her warm and caring eyes, and the storm broke. I broke.
“Oh, sweetheart. What’s the matter?” She stepped out and wrapped me up in her arms, offering me the comfort I’d lost over the last few weeks. I clung to her, desperate to unload all my pain onto the one person who’d always looked out for me. “Come on inside, we can talk,” she whispered against my head as she smoothed my hair down my back.
She held me up as we walked into the house, and I dropped down onto the sofa and fell into her, letting the sobs bubble free and break from my chest. All she did was gently rock me back and forth until all the tears were cried.
My lips were dry and cracked, my n
ose stuffy and blocked and my eyes were so puffy I couldn’t open them fully. It was the first time I’d ever cried like this—big, ugly teardrops that came from deep within me rather than superficial tears that released only a fraction of the emotion inside.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s the matter?” She slowly released me, her arms still in contact with my body in case I needed the continued reassurance.
“It’s Maddison. We had a fight.”
She squeezed my hand. “Darling, couples fight. It’s not unusual.”
“I know, but it’s got really bad, Mum. And I don’t know what to do.” It was a mess, and I didn’t know how I felt, not really, because I still loved him. But I couldn’t continue to be with him if things stayed like this. In what world did he think he could just up and leave for days? He promised he’d never leave, and then this?
“I’m sure you’ll be able to work things out.”
“He’s mixed up in some stuff that’s not good for him. He’s not the same person anymore. He won’t listen to me.”
“Drugs?” Mum pulled away and sounded scared.
“No. Fights. He’s part of some circle of fighting. I’ve only been a few times, but I hate it, and I hate that he does it.”
Mum turned to me, the earlier compassion replaced with a serious tone. “Baby, listen to me. This is serious. You can’t go to another one of these fights, okay? They are no good. Take it from me.”
“I know. I remember what you told me about my father.” I knew this must have been hard for her to hear.
“I waited too long to leave. I should have never put you in harm’s way, and I’ve been running from that misstep since. Don’t make the same mistakes as I did,” she pleaded, my hands in hers and tears threatening to drop from her lashes. “You might not think it’s too late, but if you’re like this? This upset already…” she shook her head and pulled me into her embrace again.
I hadn’t made the obvious connection—that Maddison was acting just like my father had. I’d been so wrapped up in the romance that I’d forgotten that I’d been following in my mum’s footsteps.
“I think it’s time for me to share something else with you.”
Mum got up and disappeared for a few moments. She came back with a shoebox and handed it to me. At the bottom were a handful of letters. I’d never wanted to know about my dad. I accepted what my mum told me about him and never spent too much time wondering, but now there was a connection to him, sitting right there, it started me thinking.
“Are these from my father?” I picked up the first one, and I recognised the handwriting.
“No. They’re from Oliver.”
Chapter 23
Grace 21 Years Old
The box of letters stared at me from across my bedroom. I’d not opened them since leaving Mum’s because I was terrified of what they would say. I’d pushed Oliver from my mind and sealed off the part of my heart that he’d stolen when we were kids, in order to have my happily ever after.
Except there was nothing happy about where I currently was.
Both Vivien and Mum had given me so much to consider. I had to wrestle myself from Mum’s grasp. Having found out that Maddison was walking down the same path as my father, she was less than happy about letting me go home. But this was my relationship and my feelings to unravel and work through. However, I needed Maddison to be a part of this, and right now, I had no idea where he was or if he was even okay.
I must have fallen asleep curled up on the bed, but the crashing and banging woke me with a start. I peeked out of the door and saw a shadow in the bathroom.
“Maddison?” I called, before stepping out and approaching. “Are you okay?” But as soon as I looked into the bathroom, I saw he wasn’t.
“Oh, god, Mads. What happened?” His back displayed a rainbow of bruising across one shoulder and ribs. And as he turned towards me, it didn’t get better. His swollen eye complemented the dried blood that had stained his lips red. He looked a mess.
“Nothing. Don’t worry.”
“Hey, stop shutting me out. It’s been days, and you show up like this?”
“I’m surprised you’re concerned.”
“Please, Mads. Don’t be like this. Let me help you.”
He dropped his arms from the small cabinet where we keep the essential medical supplies. I forced him to sit on the edge of the bath while I ran some hot water and pulled out the antibacterial cream and plasters. “I’ll go and grab some ice.”
When I was out of sight, my lungs exhaled the breath I was holding onto. I didn’t even want to think about what he’d been doing these last few days. So, I focused on the problem instead. I smashed the ice cubes from the tray in the freezer and wrapped them in a cloth. Fortifying myself, I took two steadying breaths and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I plastered on a brave face and walked back into the bathroom. Maddison hadn’t moved.
“Why don’t you take a seat in your room. The bathroom is barely big enough for you on your own.”
He sulked past me, and I gathered the few things I had on hand that could help. I followed him in, and he took a seat at the end of the bed.
“Stay still while I clean you up.” I pushed his hair back from his face. With a damp cloth, I dabbed at the cut across his lip and nose where all the blood remained —rinsing and repeating until he was just sporting the bruising beneath.
His eyes watched me intently as I worked, and it built a tension between us that made me nervous—like he was scrutinising me. But I kept going, focusing on what I was doing. The cream was next before I stepped around him and held the ice to his shoulder.
“Are you ready to tell me where you’ve been?” My voice was soft, hoping he’d give me a straight answer.
“I thought you’d guess from the look of me.”
“Why are you so angry at me? I’ve been waiting for you to show up for nearly a week. I’ve heard nothing from you? It should be me that’s pissed off.”
Being so close, I saw the stiffening of his body at my words.
“Your mum’s worried about you, too.”
“Great. You run to my mother when we have a problem.” He stood and paced to the other side of the room.
“What’s going on, Maddison? You’ve never been like this before. Sure, you fought with Oliver when we were younger, but you’ve never been so hostile to me.”
“Bring Oliver up, why don’t you. Actually —” He turned around to face me. “I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned him before now,” he fumed.
“We used to be best friends. All of us, and he’s your brother. He might have left, but that doesn’t mean we can’t mention him ever again.”
“He did leave. He left us both like we meant nothing to him.” He slashed the air with his arm, emphasising his point. “Do you know he’s not even tried to get in contact with me? Not once. As far as I’m concerned, he’s not my brother.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just upset.”
“Don’t tell me what to think!” he roared.
“What’s happened to you? There was a time that you’d do anything to protect me. Hell, that’s why my mother had no problem with us moving in together. She knew you’d never let anything happen to me. And now? You’re the one who’s hurting me.”
“Grow up, Grace. We’re not ten years old anymore. This is life. You have to fight for what you want, and sometimes people get hurt.”
“I don’t believe that’s what you think. You were never like that.” I shook my head in disbelief at what I was hearing.
“You just didn’t know what was going on in my head, back then. You used to take away the anger inside of me. It worked. But now winning gives me that same relief, and you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t like what I do. This is me. This is what I’m like, so you better just get used to it.”
“Is winning all you’re interested in? Was that what it was about with me as well? Winning me?”
The allegation hung in the air like the poison i
t was. Whatever our future, we couldn’t undo the words we’d both said tonight. As I stood there waiting for Maddison to answer, his spiteful and hurtful words were re-writing the love that I thought was indelibly inked onto my heart.
“I love you.” The words grated in my throat as I said them. It was a secret I’d kept for so long, and it was liberating to admit my feelings for Maddison and embrace them after so many years. But they hurt as I said them now. They tore me apart because I knew that no matter how much I loved him, that wouldn’t be enough—not to come back from this.
“I love you. Too fucking much.” He grabbed a shirt from the chair and went for the door. Panic swarmed in my stomach.
“Is that it?”
“Not for me, but I can’t speak for you anymore, Grace. I’ve always been in Oliver’s shadow. Or yours. And finally, this is what I want, and you want to stop me because you don’t like it? No. You can stand by me or not. I’ve fought for you, but I shouldn’t have to fight to keep you.”
Who was this boy that I’d trusted with my love and my happiness? Betrayal cracked my heart in two and spilt doubt and grief into my soul. Maddison had given me all the courage I needed. His confidence had fuelled me, but now, it had stripped me bare and left me lost amid this pain.
We’d broken so easily. A little pressure and we’d fractured apart like the last few years meant nothing.
He looked right at me, locking his gaze with mine. A lifetime of love and memories passed between us at that moment, but they all disappeared as he walked away. I crumbled to the ground, a mess on the floor as the realisation of what had happened sunk in.
I didn’t want to fix this. This wasn’t what I envisioned in my future with Maddison, and I refused to follow in the same path as my mother. The thought of confessing my past came to mind—to give Maddison the reason behind my concern—other than him being involved with underground fighting.
Bob circled around my body, rubbing his back against me. I grabbed his furry little body and pulled him into my lap where he quickly settled and set about purring his approval of the company.
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 19