The darkness of the room gave way to the dawn light as it streamed in through the window, signifying the passage of time and a new day. But the new day didn’t lift my spirit or lighten my mood.
As I moved from the spot I’d slumped into, Bob stretched and cried in protest, but my bones ached from lying on the floor all night. The stillness bombarded me, and I knew I couldn’t take it here a moment longer than I had to. Going to my room, I grabbed my bag and stuffed a few clothes into my backpack. The box of letters loomed large in the landscape of my bedroom. With my heart so raw, I hesitated to take them with me, fearing only more pain. But I wanted to know what Oliver had written, and why he’d written to me.
I took them with me, and after securing Bob in his cat carrier, I trekked across the village to my mum’s.
I used my key to open up, knowing that Mum would be at work. The house was eerily silent as I crept in. I released Bob, and he left to explore his old home while I checked out my room. All the furniture was at Maddison’s, so I couldn’t crawl into bed and hide from the world. Instead, I went back downstairs and made myself a drink. My bag, with the limited amount of possessions I’d brought with me, sat on the table as I snuggled into the sofa. The box of letters was right there, poking out of the top, taunting me with what they might say.
I wasn’t sure I was emotionally ready to delve into them after all the heartache with Maddison. But at the same time, the other half of my heart, the half not shattered and crumbling, felt hopeful that they might answer questions that I’d long since buried. The only way to find out was to open them, regardless of how wrong that might be.
I peered inside the box and leafed through the dozen or so envelopes. They were nearly all marked with different stamps from around the world. Oliver never said he’d wanted to travel, or that he was planning to. The letter at the bottom of the box was dated the oldest, so I started looking for answers there.
Dear Grace,
Hi! How have you been? As you might have noticed from the stamps, I’m in China. In fact, I’ve been travelling for a while now. Each place I visit, I say will be the last, but I don’t want to come home yet, at least not until I’m forced to. It’s been an adventure for sure. And I’ll tell you more about it. How’s Uni? You’re in your second year, right? Any thoughts on what’s next?
I never thought I’d like travelling much, but it’s been pretty amazing, getting to see parts of the world I’ve only ever read about. I’ll tell you about it soon.
Say hi to Bob for me.
Oliver
I screwed the paper up and threw it across the room, angry that he’d reached out after so long, yet told me nothing. Nothing.
Reading his limited words showed me just how much I was still in the dark about Oliver, and how much I wanted these letters to provide the answers that had kept me awake after he left.
I tore into the next one, desperate for closure or something other than a few lines about travelling the world.
Dear Grace,
I’m sorry. I thought that writing to you would ease this unrest within me that’s only grown since I left. It didn’t, and it just made me want to get in touch with you all the more. I promised I would leave and let you get on with your life, and here I am, breaking my promise. It seems that moving on is harder than I thought it would be.
I left China, and I’m now in Sri Lanka. It’s pretty amazing here. I’ve managed to get some bar work in a small hotel in Kalutara. Not strictly allowed under my tourist visa, but I won’t be here for much longer. Travelling around for a few weeks was what I came here for. The island has everything—white sand beaches, turquoise sea, history, culture, and jungle. It’s certainly on my list of places to come back in the future.
Take care of you,
Oliver.
Dear Grace,
The more I write, the more everything comes back. I abandoned you. I abandoned us—the three of us. That promise we made to each other so many years ago still haunts me. I should have found a way to make it work, at least tried to find a way out that wasn’t so drastic, perhaps. I made my decision with your best interests at heart, but I realise that it was my decision, not yours. I should have given you a say, and I took that from you. You may never forgive me for that. And if that’s the case, I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting my decision.
I’ve left Sri Lanka. While I’ve been travelling, moving around from place to place has been both exciting and hard. I miss knowing I have friends that will always be there for me. And I know that’s my doing. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, Grace.
Oliver.
Dear Grace,
I don’t know if you’re reading these or not. I sometimes think it would be best if you didn’t, and that they can continue to be the secret confessions of Oliver Ray. But then you’d never know how much I miss you. Or see that it doesn’t matter where I travel to—you are always the one true constant in my world. My North Star. My gravity.
I ran away, Grace because I couldn’t bear it any longer, but now I see that it’s just as hard without you in my life.
My hope is that you’re happy, and by leaving, I allowed you to find your happiness.
Oliver.
Dear Grace,
I understand that I’ve not given you a way to reach out to me, even if you wanted to. But I’m back now. I couldn’t run from my job any longer, and I was broke. And now the biggest gamble—allowing you to know where I am.
I’m not doing this so you’ll magically appear at my door the moment you can make your way to me. But it’s unfair that I’d write to you, and burden you once again, this time with the guilt that has been eating away at me from the moment I left, and you have no way to come back at me. Maybe you’ve been writing hateful letters, just waiting for the time to send them. Or perhaps you’ve torn each word to shreds. All I do know is that I can’t run from my feelings for you. And believe me, I’ve travelled the world, and no matter what I do, I can’t escape how I feel for you. I love you, and I fear that will never change.
So, here’s where I am. Write to me if you want. But either way, it won’t stop me writing to you.
Love Oliver.
Dear Grace,
So, this sucks. I thought I was man enough to take the silent treatment. Turns out, I’m not. I had this grand vision in my brain that you wouldn’t have moved on, and that my letters would have you rushing back to me. Or some scenario like that. And I realise what a jerk I am to even think that way. But the truth is that I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. Distance isn’t going to change that, and now I know that time won’t either.
I’ll keep writing to you. And if you can see it in your heart to forgive me in the future, then you know where I am.
Love Oliver.
Dear Grace,
Happy Twenty-First Birthday! I know I’ve missed more than one of your birthdays now. I imagine us all around the table with a dish of freshly cooked lasagne and a huge cake for dessert. Some memories and traditions you don’t realise how much you miss until they’re not a part of your life anymore.
Be happy, Grace. It’s the only thing I can hold onto right now—that you’re happy and living your best life. That’s what I believe you’re doing. And I will work on living mine.
The summer is my favourite time of year because it encapsulates everything about you. Warmth, happiness, and comfort. Beautiful sunsets and bright morning skies. All of these things remind me of you.
I love you.
Oliver.
My cheeks were damp from the silent tears I’d shed while reading his letters. Each, a dagger to my heart. But the pain wasn’t the same as the pain that Maddison had caused. I could feel his—pulsing through my veins as if he were still a part of my very being.
Oliver’s words felt like an adventure we’d never got to act out. Destined to stay in the what-ifs of the lazy summers we spent with each other growing up. There was a feeling of loss, of grief, because I never confronted him about leaving. He�
�d taken that away by vanishing without a trace. And now I was angry that he thought I might come running back and forgive him.
The door clicked as I heard Mum arrive home. I’d lost hours, sitting here on my own.
“Mum, hi.” I swiped the salty droplets from my cheeks and pulled the letters together, bundling them up into the box they’d lived in until today. “You don’t mind me being here?”
“This is your home. Of course, I don’t.” She stared at the box she’d kept hidden from me. “You read them?”
I nodded. “Why didn’t you give these to me?” My voice was hoarse, thick with emotion.
“Because I didn’t want them to change the way you felt about Maddison. Those boys have been stuck in your heart since you were kids, and finally, things were working out for you.” She smoothed my hand, comforting me. “Did I make the wrong decision?”
The worry on her face was evident, and I knew that they wouldn’t have changed my mind. I’d chosen Maddison. I loved him. But my heart was broken, and I’d become lost in a relationship that I’d clung to for dear life.
Now, regardless of what Oliver’s words said, I choose me.
Chapter 24
Oliver 24 Years Old
It had been nearly three years since I’d seen Grace.
One hundred and twenty-seven weeks, thirty months, and almost one thousand days.
And it was killing me—a slow and torturous death, each day taking its own piece of my heart. I thought about the decision I’d made all those months ago, and the reasons behind it. The noble thing to do. The right thing. I’d been under no illusion that it would be easy when I said the words and left without looking back, but I’d hoped the pain would dull into an ache with time. That I would be able to look back with warmth and miss the times we were together as friends, not long to see her face in the flesh one last time.
Time for me had only sharpened that pain in my chest.
While I’d been missing from Grace, I’d also been missing from Maddison. As close as we were as brothers, I didn’t feel the same connection. That bond we shared had been severed, probably when we both realised we loved the same girl, and it never had a chance to repair.
I’d had no doubt he would swoop in—now free to pursue Grace without my shadow, but that’s as far as I’d allowed my imagination to run with that line of thought. My mind offered up enough questions to plague my daydreams and nightmares alike.
It’d been weeks since my last letter—the one where I should have just cut my heart out and mailed it to her, it would have been less painful. But as the weeks moved on, I grew more and more desperate to hear from her. About anything. Even if it was bad news.
And that was the reason I was on the train back home. Selling my car had paid for my first flights overseas, so I had to rely on public transport now. My job gave me very little spare cash at the end of the month, and with the prices of living and working in London and the hefty credit card bills I’d racked up during my travels trying to get over Grace, money was tight.
The guilt of leaving my parents in the dark ate at my gut the closer I got to home. They deserved an explanation for my vanishing act. Or rather why I lied about what I was doing with my life. Mum would have guessed the reason, but that was no excuse for the radio silence for so long.
My plan was simple, go home, see Mum and Dad, maybe speak to Maddison and try to understand what had happened since I’d been away. And work up the courage I needed to visit the girl who had forever held my heart.
I didn’t call ahead, and I splurged on the cost of a taxi from the station. As I approached the door, I could already hear raised voices, the familiar rumble of Maddison’s getting louder the closer I got.
I pushed the handle of the door and walked into the house that I missed calling home.
My arrival silenced the argument, and both Mum and Mads turned to look at me agape.
“What the fuck, are you doing here?”
“Maddison! That’s no way to speak to your brother.” She looked at me with a strained smile, and I knew this wasn’t the best time to arrive home.
“Great. Just great, Mum. He’s been back for five seconds, and you’re already taking his side again. Unbelievable.”
“Hey,” I offered, looking between the two. “I can come back later. Clearly, this isn’t a good time.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
They chimed in together, but it was Mum I listened to.
“I’ll be upstairs.” Maddison sulked off, but I felt the need to go and clear the air.
I looked at him and then Mum.
“Go. Speak to him, but be careful. He’s… changed. And he’s not in a great place right now.” She rubbed my shoulders, examining me as if I were a figment of her imagination, and she needed to check that I was real.
Before I went after Maddison, I dropped my bag next to the table and hugged her, giving her some reassurance that I’d be back.
The door to his room was open, so I pushed it even wider, announcing myself. But there was hardly anything in his room—an old single bed and a single wardrobe that I didn’t remember being here before.
“Hello, brother. To what do we owe this appearance?” He was sprawled back, with his arms propping up his head on the bed.
“I thought it was time. It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”
“Good. Great, actually. You don’t look like you’ve been stuck in an office for the last couple of years.”
“No.” I sniggered. My hair was lighter, more like Maddison’s now with all the sun I’d got while travelling. “I’ve been travelling a fair bit. You?”
“Didn’t have that luxury. I’ve been working. Making something of myself for Grace and me.”
The mention of her name set me on edge. I knew this was a trap. He wasn’t offering this information out of the goodness of his heart, he was taunting me, but I couldn’t ignore it. After all, Grace was the reason I was here, and anything about her was just too tempting to pass up.
“How is she?” It was the safest opening.
“She’s great. I’m surprised you’re interested after you just left like that. Not cool, man. But at least I was there for her.”
“I’m sure you were.”
“Yeah, I was.” He sat up on the bed and looked down at me, even though I was standing over him. “You missed a lot, big brother. She’s with me now, and we’re happy. So, don’t think that you can come back here and fuck everything up because you’re bored with your job or whatever. You moved on. So did we.”
“Hey, I didn’t come back to mess with anything.” I put my hands up in defence. Maddison had always been bigger than me, but now he seemed massive.
“Really? Then why did you come back?”
“It’s only a visit. I thought I owed Mum that much at least.”
“No, shit.”
“And I wanted to apologise to Grace.”
“Well, good luck. She doesn’t live at home anymore. She moved out a while ago now.”
That explained the silence from my letters, although I’d have hoped her mum would have passed them on. “I don’t suppose you know where to find her?” I ground my molars together and forced a smile. Needing information from Maddison about anything hurt, but when it came to Grace, some things just never changed.
“Sure. She’s with me. We live together.” He stood up. “So, don’t get any fucking ideas about messing up my life. You did the right thing leaving. Now live with that decision and fuck off.” His sneer turned his face into a vicious mask, hiding the brother I once knew. He knocked my shoulder, pushing me off balance as he walked out.
Maddison had changed. From that little display, I could see he’d only grown more aggressive and hostile since I’d left, and I could only hope that Grace was the remedy he needed. This man in front of me wasn’t to be messed with.
The empty room now made sense, but the jealousy he’d sparked in me with his comments about Grace was undeniable. It had been inevita
ble in a way. I knew Mads would go after her, but living together?
My steps were heavy on the stairs as I went to find Mum. Maybe she could update me on everything that had been going on without me wanting to strangle her for telling me. She was in the kitchen, looking like she was about to scrub the top off of the kitchen surface.
“I think it’s clean.” My helpful comment stopped her in her agitated state, and she put the cloth down to look at me.
“I can put the kettle on if you want. If you’re staying?” The uncertainty in her voice killed me, especially as I knew it was my actions that put it there.
“Just overnight, if you’re okay with that. I know I sprung this on you.”
It was her turn to offer me a hug, although I thought it was for her benefit. “You’re welcome here anytime. This is your home. I just hope you remember that rather than disappearing on me in the future.”
“I’m sorry. At the time, it was the only way out I could see. It appears I’ve missed some stuff though. Maddison wasn’t all that detailed.”
“Well, that’s your brother. And you left him as well as the rest of us. I know that you fought, but you were close in so many ways. You hurt him even if you didn’t mean to. But, before I answer your questions, how about you tell your mum what you’ve been doing for all of this time.”
She took my hands and led me into the sitting room. I gave her the highlights of the last few years, focusing on my travels and what I’d seen of the world. Even though it was a happy conversation, it didn’t stop the tears gleaming in her eyes, and I was struck by the pain I must have caused, all over again.
“I’m sorry, Mum. But I promise not to do that again. I needed to escape. I couldn’t stay and let the two of us fight over Grace, trapping her between following her heart and hurting us. It wasn’t fair. I did what I thought was best.”
“And that was a very noble gesture. I know Grace would never have picked between the two of you. But she has now. She’s done so much for Maddison.”
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 20