Hearing this from her crushed the last sliver of hope I’d kept alive.
“But Maddison is complicated. And I know that he doesn’t make it easy.” She paused as if she was worried about her next words. “Are you going to visit her?”
It was the question I’d kept running over in my mind. She was the reason I’d come back. She was my reason for everything, but being here, and realising that life had gone on without me, I wasn’t sure if pushing myself back into her life was for the best? For her, or my brother. All of this had happened because I made a decision—shouldn’t I learn to live with that, no matter what the consequences for me?
“I’ve not decided yet. I came back for her. But that was before I knew she was with Mads.”
“You still love her?” she questioned.
“Does Maddison?”
“Very much.”
“Then it doesn’t matter, does it? As long as she’s happy, that’s all that I care about.”
“You promise me you won’t go and hide while you lick your wounds? It’s been hard without either of you around. First you, then Maddison. I don’t want to lose you again.”
“I promise. You’ll have my address, phone number, all the ways to contact me. I won’t disappear again.”
Chapter 25
Grace 21 Years Old
“Grace?” Mum poked her head into the spare room where I’d been sleeping for the last few weeks. “I’m off to work now. I’ll grab us something to eat on the way home. Fancy anything?”
“Anything we can have with garlic bread.”
“Okay. I was expecting something that came with chocolate, but I’ll grab some pasta. Carbohydrates go well together, right?” She giggled as she left.
She’d been acting like this since I’d moved back in. Or rather, moved a handful of my clothes back because I’d been avoiding Maddison for all this time. It was a horrible thing to do, but it wasn’t as though he’d tried to speak to me, either. It was like we were on pause, neither of us prepared to take a step towards the other in case it went wrong. At least that was the reason I had in my head.
Being home had been good for me. Mum had forced me to look at job options and what I should have been doing to kick-start my career. Waitressing was fine, but I’d gone to University for a reason, and I wanted to start working towards that. Being with Maddison seemed to suck all of my ambition away. It didn’t make sense, but this time alone—really alone—had given me the space to process a lot of things.
Mads had never asked me to stop doing something or questioned my actions or goals. Yet, I’d found myself even more withdrawn when I was with him than I’d ever been in the past. His friends and parties didn’t count, at least I didn’t count them. They were fake and wrapped up with who Maddison was, not what I wanted. Having some distance made that visible to me, but it also made me sad.
The conversation I’d been putting off needed to happen, for me to move on. With what Mum had told me about my father, and how Maddison had treated me over the last few months, I knew our future together wasn’t the one I had planned and hoped for. But speaking to him—telling him we were over, made it final, and I wasn’t quite there yet. At least my heart wasn’t.
At the weekend, I borrowed Mum’s car and took a trip to Maddison’s. It had been festering all week, and I couldn’t put it off any longer. I needed to get my things and speak to him. Try and talk things through and make him understand how I felt about us now we’d had some time to think it over. It was terrifying. And the hardest part was how much I missed him—how much my heart ached. He’d see that and use it against me.
My stomach was a ball of nerves as I pulled up outside the house. His car wasn’t in the drive, which I was thankful for. I could get a few things and then wait for him to come home—try and ask him to see me? Mum had found a couple of cases and some boxes for me to pack up with. I couldn’t take the furniture, but I’d be able to pack up most of what I needed. It was such a contrast to the day we’d moved in. The sun had shone down on us as we made room for all of our things in the tiny house, and we were both filled with hopes and dreams. So much had changed, and I felt like a different person.
I’d survived losing one best friend. I knew I could live through losing another.
That thought slayed me. Like my heart was rejecting the concept of a world with neither Oliver nor Maddison a part of it. A coldness crept over my skin and coiled around the cracks in my damaged heart.
I may have opened the letters from Oliver, but I was still too angry at his words to consider them too much. Right now, all I could cope with was Maddison. He was my priority and the one I belonged to. Or at least, I used to.
The house had a musty smell as I walked in. A quick glance at the kitchen showed the piled-up dishes and pizza boxes on the side. The house was a state, and I was hit with a wall of sadness as I looked around. The only room that looked untouched was mine. It was how I left it, nothing out of place or disturbed from when I’d taken off to the safety of Mum’s. My hands made quick work of folding my clothes and packing my belongings. It didn’t take long, and when the drawers and wardrobe were empty, I sent a message to Maddison in the hope he’d come home so we could talk.
This room and this house had represented my new start, grasping for the happiness I’d always put off for the sake of others. And now it was a shell of the life I’d let slip through my fingers. I knew that it wasn’t all on me and that Maddison was as much a part in this as I was, but that was of little comfort right now.
I thought back and examined the time we spent together and saw that although the good times were there, a lot of the time they weren’t. Surely it shouldn’t be that hard? Love wasn’t meant to be painful all the time, right? I pulled my knees up to my chest as I waited on my bed and wished that Bob were here to comfort me.
I checked my phone again, but still nothing. Maddison was such a stubborn guy, but he couldn’t hide from this forever. We needed to talk and ignoring me only served to sever the connection we had even further.
Just as I’d pulled myself from the nest I’d made on the bed, the door clicked. My heart jumped into my throat as I listened for his footsteps through the house. We’d not seen each other in weeks, and now, surrounded by sadness, all I wanted was for him to take everything back and hold me.
I waited as he came up the stairs, and I stood at my door to watch him appear. Dark circles lived under his eyes, and his usually messy hair now looked wild and dishevelled.
“Hey,” I opened, suddenly desperate to see his eyes look at mine.
“Are you back?” he asked, halting on the top stair.
I wasn’t back. That was the opposite of why I’d come here, but pushing the words out was so much harder than running them over in my head. I stepped forward, hoping to ease this with some sort of contact. But he pulled away.
“Mads, don’t.”
“Don’t what? Because from where I’m standing, this isn’t going to be a conversation I want to hear.”
“We should talk. We need to talk.”
“And you want me to listen while you rip my heart out of my chest?” He stepped forward and stood over me. The urge to seek refuge in his arms was so powerful, but I needed to be strong and remember that it was time for me to put myself first. Even if it hurt.
“I don’t want to fight, Mads. But we have to sort things out between us. We can’t just leave things as they are.”
“It’s better than the alternative, Grace. Believe me.” He headed for his room. And I followed.
“You’d rather go weeks without speaking, no contact at all? How is that a relationship? How is that love?”
“Don’t you dare question my love for you.” He stabbed his finger at me while gritting out the words. “Everything I’ve done is for you or for us, and nothing about that has changed.”
“But don’t you see how toxic that’s become? You and the fighting, it’s put us both in danger. I hate it, Mads, and I hate who you turn into when you’
re in that ring. That world has changed you. You just can’t see it.” I pleaded with him and reached for his hands.
“Well, excuse me for doing what I need to survive.” He pulled his hands away.
“You had a job. We had a life. It didn’t need to change. You had nothing to prove to me.”
“No, but I had plenty to prove to myself. This isn’t just about you, Grace. And if you can’t see that, then it’s you that has the problem, not me.” He sat on his bed and rested his arms on his legs.
“Where have you been all these weeks? It’s like you vanished.” I lingered at the edge of his room.
“About. Leo’s. Training. I didn’t think you wanted to see me.” His voice was hoarse and caught in his throat. I closed my eyes to the sound because it pushed everything inside of me to go and comfort him. Like this—scared and broken—it was impossible to imagine the angry victor, God of the ring that he turned into when he was fighting.
“Did you not get any of my messages?”
“I saw you’d taken Bob. That’s the only message I needed. You left. And you have no intention of coming back. Sorry if I’ve been trying for self-preservation here.”
“What did you expect? Do you know how much it hurt, first watching you, and then what you said to me afterwards? That’s not love, Mads. And I won’t stay to watch you self-destruct.”
“You don’t know that’s what will happen.”
“I do. My mother went through the same thing with my father, and I won’t do the same.”
“Your mother?” He lifted his head. His eyes were drawn down in a frown. “What’s she got to do with us?”
“She left my father to move here. He got in too deep with the wrong people. She had to escape because his world threatened both her and me.” I kept my distance, refusing to step closer to him, no matter how much I felt the pull to comfort him.
“That would never happen to you and me.” He stood, the anger creeping into his voice again.
“Really?”
“Yeah. At least now I know where this is coming from. I thought Oliver had been whispering in your ear as soon as he got back. I guess I was wrong for the first time.”
“Oliver?” Oliver was back?
“Yeah. Came back a few weeks ago. Took us by surprise, but I guess it was overdue. From the look on your face though, he didn’t bother to say hi?”
“No.” Another bruise forms on what’s left of my heart.
“He listened then. But I don’t want to talk about him. I want to hear what you came here to say.” The sharp tone challenged me like he didn’t believe I had it in me to say the words. Like so often with Maddison, he was pushing me into a fight, backing me into a corner with no way out.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“No, that’s not it. Try again.”
“We’re over, Maddison. I can’t be with you like this.”
“There it is.” He turned away from me, and I knew he was in pain. We both were.
“You know, I’ve loved you forever. For most girls, that would be enough, or at least that’s what they’ve led me to believe. But you, Grace? No. You had both my love and Oliver’s, and still, that wasn’t enough. When you figure out what you’ll be satisfied with, let me know.”
“Mads, please. Don’t say things like that. I know you don’t mean that.” He pushed past me and headed for the stairs, while I was left with tears falling to my cheeks in waves.
“Too late. You had me. You didn’t want me. Now you have to live with that.”
The door slammed on his way out, followed by the rumble of his engine. I dashed to his window and watched as he tore off around the corner.
It was like he was two people right now: the boy who’d won my heart and made me brave, and the man who’d held my heart hostage until everything good between us had withered.
I dragged myself back to my room to say goodbye. It might have been just four walls, but it was the start of something so vital for me. And the loss of that hope was as much a source of pain as Maddison’s words were.
The last boxes fit snuggly in the car, and I gave one more look at the house. A bed and a few pieces of furniture weren’t worth coming back for. There was nothing left here that I wanted to bring home with me. The important items were the happy memories, although they seemed to be buried under spiteful words and fury right now.
I remembered to post my key through the letterbox—my last job.
I wouldn’t need it again.
Chapter 26
Grace 21 Years Old
Mum replaced most of my bedroom furniture with bargains on eBay, and other upcycle sites. The pieces were all a combination of vintage and shabby chic that we worked on sprucing up together, and I loved them. We painted, sanded, and varnished from morning until we were both too tired to lift a brush. And I loved her for all the effort she put into keeping my mind and my heart distracted from Maddison.
Bob stayed out of our way, snoozing on the new chair we’d salvaged. He’d been my little shadow for the past few weeks—always in the same room as me, a constant memory of happier times.
As well as the home décor plan, Mum had taken charge of the other area of my life I’d left in the wind. Since finishing my degree, I’d achieved nothing in the way of getting a job, and I needed to rectify that. The competition in the job market was hard enough without apathy adding to my hurdles to overcome.
With a little loving encouragement, I’d lined up two interviews with small, independent publishers. Even though the chances of starting as a junior editing assistant were slim, the prospect of the interviews was enough to invigorate me. I might have needed the push, but I was living up to my word of putting myself first.
The first interview went well. Or rather, I didn’t trip over my words, I ensured I was polite, made eye contact and didn’t umm or err at too many of the questions posed. The second, I was more nervous about, as they were a bigger company. The exposed brickwork of the reception teamed with glass walls, and shelves and shelves of books, instantly sent tingles down my spine as I walked in.
This was the type of place I could see myself spending time. And of course, the moment I set my heart on the job, the nerves grew like monsters inside my mind.
There were a handful of other people in the waiting area. All of a similar age to me, and I knew we were all here for the same thing. It had been a while since I’d found excitement in anything around me. Even the fantasy worlds I’d so often escaped to growing up, couldn’t pull me away of late. But there was an energy here, like its own magical world, that thrummed through my veins, adding weight to the importance of today.
“Grace Shaw?”
After the interview, I headed straight to the job that had sustained my bank account for years. I still had a job, and until I heard anything from either interview, this job would suffice. Of course, I’d already prayed I’d hear back from the second interview first. The likelihood of being offered both was probably a zillion to one, but I wouldn’t be able to settle until I heard from the position I wanted most.
It was nearly half-past eleven before I got to leave for home. It was a warm evening, despite autumn changing the colours of the trees. Stars lit up the sky like a blanket of glowing dust. A pale glow illuminated my bedroom window as I got closer to home—the only light left on in the house. We’d finished my room, and I could start to feel settled again.
As I walked down the drive, a figure waited, sitting on the doorstep, hidden in shadow. My footsteps halted, and I grabbed for my bag until the man stood and stepped into the faint glow from my room.
“Oliver?” The shadows obscured him, but it would take a lot for me not to recognise him.
“Hey. Sorry if I startled you. Your mum said you were working, but after I’d worked up the courage to speak to you, I couldn’t bring myself to leave.”
“It’s really late.” My reply was frosty and reflected my reaction to him being here.
“I know. Again, I’m sorry.”
“What did you want to say to me?” I knew I was being harsh, but the last thing I expected was to come home and find Oliver waiting for me. I’d put his letters out of my mind since I’d read them. As far as I was concerned, they were too little, too late. They didn’t change the way I felt now, and they wouldn’t have changed the way I felt if I’d read them when he intended for me to read them. My heart belonged to Maddison. I wouldn’t betray that, and I was glad Mum had hidden them from me.
“Just that I was back. Or rather, I’ve been making visits back to see Mum and Dad and had some time during the week. I live in London now. I’m not sure if you’ve…”
“Got your letters? I did.”
“Right then.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked through the gloom around us.
“It’s been a busy day, Oliver.” I prompted, not ready for this conversation. The way he’d done this just added fresh wood to the embers of anger still burning inside of me towards him. After everything we’d been through, everything we’d said, this was how he’d decided to come back into my life?
I dug around in my bag for my keys and marched past him to the door.
“I’ll be at home tomorrow. Maybe we can talk properly?”
“Maybe.” I opened the door and waited to say goodbye. I could feel the wave of emotions ready to break, and I didn’t want to let Oliver see he’d affected me so much.
“Goodnight.” I watched him as he walked off and into the darkness. I pictured him taking the same steps we’d both travelled hundreds of times before. My mind counted the seconds it would take him to arrive home before I shut the door and locked the house.
Bob stretched on the bed beside me as I sat down, exhausted from everything that had happened today. My heart had been on a rollercoaster these last months, and that was while I was ignoring Oliver. He was a lot harder to ignore when he turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. But then, wasn’t that what Oliver would do?
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 21