“Of what?”
“I don’t know…that I’ll break him or something.”
I caught Gunner’s indulgent smile as he watched his fiancée hold my baby. Just a glimpse of how much he loved Zary convinced me they were going to make great parents. Not that I was an expert. Far from it, actually.
A nurse at the hospital where Kazmir was born had told me to listen to my heart when it came to my baby.
“Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing anything wrong or right. Follow your heart, you will be a perfect mother,” she’d told me the day Kazmir and I checked out of the hospital.
I’d read countless books about pregnancy and motherhood, terrified of things like colic and not being able to breastfeed, but so far, Kazmir was happy and healthy. The traveling and disruption to his schedule had taken a minor toll, but now that we’d been on the island for three days, his routine and sleep patterns had evened out.
It wasn’t as true for me though; I hadn’t slept more than two or three hours each night.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” said Zary, smiling at the baby.
“If you two don’t need me, I’m going to walk the island.”
Zary, enthralled with Kazmir, nodded but didn’t answer.
“Thank you, Gunner,” I said when he motioned for me to follow.
“You’re welcome. Is everything okay with the house? Is there anything you need?”
“Everything is wonderful. Again, thank you.”
Gunner nodded and walked out the front door.
“He loves you so much,” I said after the door closed behind him.
“I never dreamed a life like this existed.”
I hadn’t either, although for a different reason. Soon, Zary would understand that too, when their baby was born.
When Kazmir got fussy, I took him from my friend’s arms.
“What did I do wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing.” I smiled. “He’s just hungry.” I motioned for Zary to follow me into the living room and then sat in one of the rocking chairs. Once the baby was settled on my breast, I closed my eyes momentarily, reminding myself to celebrate being a mother rather than spend time regretting that Kazmir’s father wasn’t in his life.
“Are you okay?” Zary asked.
“I am.” I opened my eyes. “Tired, but that’s to be expected.”
“Gunner wanted me to tell you that you and Kazmir can stay here as long as you like.”
“Isn’t this your home?”
Zary shrugged. “I don’t think we’ve necessarily figured that out yet.”
“This place suits you,” I said, looking around the rustic yet refined space.
“I have to admit, the bathroom is my favorite room in the house.”
“The bathroom?”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t been in there. Where are you sleeping?”
The night Gunner brought Kazmir and me to the island, he’d told me that I was welcome to stay in the master bedroom, but I hadn’t. Instead, the baby and I had been sleeping in the bedroom farthest from the front door, near the back of the house.
“You have to check it out. The bathtub alone…”
I smiled.
“What?”
“I love seeing you so happy.”
“As I said before, I never would’ve dreamed. It seems only yesterday I was running for my life, not knowing who I could and couldn’t trust. I couldn’t find you…I’m sorry. I don’t mean that any of it was your fault.”
“I understand.”
“Losha?”
“Mm-hmm?”
“The baby…is he Shiver’s?”
I shook my head. “No, Zary. He isn’t.”
Whether Zary believed me didn’t matter. Protecting Kazmir was my only priority, whether it be from United Russia or from the man who knew nothing about him.
“Tell me about the last few months of your life,” said Zary after I put Kazmir in the crib for a nap.
I sighed. “I knew my departure from United Russia was inevitable, as did you. I’m sure you took many of the same precautions as I.”
Zary nodded.
“I’d been stashing money long before I had any thoughts of leaving Russia and before I knew I was pregnant.”
“Where did you go?”
“Sweden, Germany, and Switzerland. That’s where Kazmir was born. And then to Finland.”
“You must’ve been terrified.”
“No more I suppose than I was most of my life. However, after my son was born, my outlook changed. I no longer looked at life as something I had to survive. Instead, it became something I wanted to live, and to share with my son, if I could keep him safe.”
“I’ve told you again and again the bounty has been lifted.”
“I know.”
“But you don’t trust it.”
“I will never trust United Russia.” I was tempted to say that I didn’t have the same network of protection that Zary had, but my lack of it wasn’t my friend’s fault.
“Who is Kazmir’s father, Losha?”
I stood, folded my arms, and looked out the window at the forest behind the house. I hated lying to Zary, but I would never divulge that information to anyone. The secret would stay with me until I died, after which, both Kazmir and his father would receive documentation that, in essence, would introduce them to one another.
Every day, I prayed that my death would be a long way off and that Kazmir would be a young man with a life of his own—perhaps even a family—by the time he was told his father’s identity.
“I understand if you don’t wish to say.”
“I’m sorry, Zary.”
When I mentioned that I intended to look for a more permanent place for Kazmir and me to live, both Zary and Gunner told me it wasn’t necessary and that we’d discuss it further when they next visited.
“I’ll call you,” said Zary, kissing both me and Kazmir.
The house was too quiet after they left, at least when the baby was asleep. I’d always been a solitary person. What was it about being a mother that made me long for someone else to talk to—someone who could talk back?
Instead of taking the time to rest myself, my mind wandered to things I’d rather not remember. Usually it was Shiver, but today, I thought back to when Zary and I first met.
While I knew the KGB would only take teenagers, the fragile-looking blonde girl they’d just put in the van didn’t look much over thirteen. I may not have even noticed her if, like the others, she was whining and weeping. Instead, the girl showed no emotion at all, just like me. I watched her, but the girl didn’t look up once—not until we arrived at Lubyanka Square.
I stayed close to her as we were led through the halls of the KGB headquarters and to the dormitory-style rooms where we were paired up. I pushed my way through the remaining girls when I saw one of our escorts eyeing the blonde girl.
“You two,” he barked in Russian, pointing first to us and then to the door.
Once inside with the door closed, the girl started to speak, but I shook my head. I took out the piece of paper and pencil I’d had hidden in the bottom of my shoe.
The room is bugged, I wrote.
The girl nodded.
Do you know sign language?
She shook her head.
As it turned out, the girl, Zaryana, and I were the same age and had both been orphaned under the age of ten. While we hadn’t been in the same orphanage in Moscow, the conditions of where we’d lived were almost identical.
Zary had proven to be a quick study. Not only had she memorized the entire alphabet of sign language, we’d also worked on a few signals we could communicate with quickly. The first of which had been for “danger.”
The training we underwent was rigorous, but we added more to it. As we progressed and rose in the initial ranks of the KGB, we’d been awarded more and more freedom. When we were allowed to leave Lubyanka Square, Zaryana and I would practice sparring, increase our aerobic endurance, and study
the things the KGB hadn’t yet taught us but we gleaned were coming.
I heard Kazmir’s cries and hurried into the bedroom. Instead of the happy baby he usually was after waking from a nap, he looked flushed and was inconsolable. He felt warm to the touch, but that could be because he’d worked himself into such a frenzy.
Taking Kazmir into the bathroom, I pulled the thermometer out of the bag of baby things. When I saw it was over one hundred, I called Zary.
“I’m so sorry. I know you just left, but Kazmir is running a fever.”
“We’ll come right back,” said Zary.
“You don’t need to stay. Kazmir and I will be fine,” I told Zary when she walked me into the hospital while Gunner parked the car.
“I’m not going anywhere. Besides, this is my fault.”
“How is Kazmir having a fever your fault?”
“It didn’t occur to me that the island wouldn’t be an appropriate place for you to stay. I’m sorry, Losha. You would’ve been stuck there, and if anything worse…”
I couldn’t allow myself to think about that. “I’m sorry. I need to speak with the nurse.”
“Go ahead. Gunner and I will wait here.”
“He’s teething and running a low-grade fever. I’m so sorry to have called you back to the island. I’m so embarrassed,” I told Zary over an hour later.
“Please don’t be. Gunner and I have been discussing the…situation, and we’ve come up with an idea.”
“We’ve been such an intrusion as it is.”
“As I was saying, Gunner and Razor have a place on the West Coast, in California. Neither of them lives there full-time. So it would be perfect.”
“Zary, I couldn’t impose further.”
“Actually, you’d be doing me a favor,” said Gunner, walking into the emergency waiting room with his phone in his hand. “I may need to leave without much warning.”
I caught the look that passed between Zary and her soon-to-be husband. Neither needed to explain what Gunner was referring to. Regardless of the specifics, I knew there was an op brewing.
“I would feel better if Zary wasn’t alone. If you agree, we can leave tonight.”
“Gunner will go to the island, get your things, and make arrangements to return your rental car.”
I shook my head. “Eto slishkom mnogo.”
Zary’s eyes bored into mine. “It isn’t too much. It would never be too much. If it weren’t for you…” Zary’s eyes filled with tears. “Please say you’ll let us do this for you and Kazmir.”
Did I really have a choice? I could be stubborn and refuse, but my pride would have negative ramifications for my baby. “Thank you.”
“I’ll get the car,” said Gunner.
“He hasn’t told anyone, Losha.”
My grip on Zary’s hand tightened. “If you’re asking if he can, the answer is still no. No one can know about Kazmir.”
“I understand.”
“I’m making this too hard on you.”
“We only need to know the boundaries. If you say no one can know, then no one will.”
I cradled the sleeping Kazmir.
“May I hold him?”
“Of course,” I said, gently shifting the baby into Zary’s arms.
7
Shiver
“Hey, Shiv,” said Doc when he answered my call.
“We’ve just landed at Reagan.”
“I wish I had better news for you…”
“What’s happened?”
“Losha isn’t in Washington anymore.”
“Bloody hell.” I ran my hand through my hair. “Where is she?”
“I believe she’s on her way to California.”
“Why?”
“I can’t answer that, and Shiv, this is starting to get a little tricky on my end.”
“What do you mean?”
“I believe she may be traveling with Zary.”
“Which means Gunner knows where she is.”
“That’s right.”
“And he hasn’t told you that directly.”
“You’re catching on.”
I’d say I was surprised, but I wasn’t. If there was anyone Losha would turn to for help, it would be Zary. I should’ve considered that possibility sooner.
“How do you want to move forward?” I asked.
“At this point, I’m handing it off to you.”
“Understood. Send me the bill for time and expenses, Doc. I appreciate all you and the K19 crew have done, especially at this time of the year.”
“By all means, Shiv, and good luck to you.”
I disconnected the call when I saw Darrow come out of the ladies’ room.
“Ready?” she asked.
“There’s been a slight change of plans.”
“What now?”
“I have to leave tonight, once you’re settled in at the hotel.”
Darrow rolled her eyes. “So you’re dumping me off, is that right?”
“Hardly, sweet pea. I’m not leaving right away. I just told you that I won’t leave until you’re settled.”
“And I told you that my friend won’t be back until tomorrow.”
I sighed. “Tell me again who you’re here to visit?”
“I’ve told you countless times. Poppy and I were at university together. Her father is Bryce Davies.”
“Right.” Now I remembered. Davies and the duke had never gotten on well, so Darrow had spent more time at their place than Poppy had at Whittaker Abbey. “I thought you were meeting friends, not a friend.”
Darrow rolled her eyes. “You’re my brother, not the duke. Give it a rest, Thornton.”
It was a fine line I walked between being her older brother, as she said, and an MI6 agent. “Fancy a pint before we catch a taxi?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
I directed Darrow toward the USO lounge and, when we walked inside, saw someone who looked familiar.
“Alegria?”
“Shiver?” She kissed me on both cheeks.
“This is my sister, Darrow. Darrow, meet Alegria. She’s with K19.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” Darrow looked from Alegria to me. “Do you ever go anywhere without running into someone you know?”
“Rarely.”
“Where are you headed?” Alegria asked.
“My brother is dropping me off to stay with friends in DC. Where he’s going is always a mystery.”
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“Dutch and Mantis are flying in from Mogadishu.”
I raised a brow. From what I’d heard, Alegria had ended a long-term relationship with Mantis and had recently started seeing Dutch. What complicated things further was that Dutch and Mantis had been best friends since they both attended the Air Force Academy in Colorado.
“Don’t ask,” she said, looking away and then pulling out her phone when it vibrated. “They’ve landed.”
“Tell them we’re here,” I suggested, not knowing what else to say.
“Do you have plans? Maybe we could all have dinner? My friends won’t be back until tomorrow, but my brother couldn’t wait another day to dump me here.”
“It isn’t like that,” I muttered, wishing my sister hadn’t suggested dinner. As it was, I would be hard-pressed to find a flight to the West Coast tonight.
Two hours later, I was about to give up hope that dinner would ever come to an end.
“Excuse me,” I heard Darrow say, and watched her walk in the direction of the ladies’ room.
“Anything I can help with?” Mantis asked when Dutch and Alegria went off to have what appeared to be a private conversation.
“Thanks, but I don’t think so.”
Mantis nodded. “Let me know if you change your mind.”
I nodded in return. “What about you?”
“Come again?”
“Anything I can help with?”
Mantis looked over his shoulder at Dutch and Alegria, whose discussion appeare
d to have turned heated. “I don’t think there’s much hope.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong.”
“What makes you think so?”
“After watching the two of you tonight, it’s obvious Alegria still loves you.”
“What if that isn’t enough?”
“I’ve wondered that myself, mate.” I had no idea what compelled me to say that out loud, but there it was. I was relieved when Mantis didn’t ask what I meant.
“Hey, Shiv.”
“Pinch? You don’t sound well.”
“Long day. Listen, I have an update on Kuznetsov’s whereabouts.”
“I talked to Doc earlier.”
“And?”
“I’m headed to the West Coast in the morning. I’ll take it from here, Pinch. There’s something else I need your help with though.”
“Name it.”
“Darrow is meeting up with Poppy Davies here in DC; however, she’s being vague about who else she’s spending time with.”
“I’ll see what I can find out.”
“Thanks, mate. As with Losha, this is personal. Send me the bill for your time and expenses.”
While Darrow stayed closer to the capital, I went back across the Potomac and got a room near the airport. I was scheduled on the first flight out in the morning and needed to get some rest.
I poured a glass of scotch and sat near the window from where I could see the lights shining on the river.
How in the hell had I gotten here? How had something I was so certain of, turned into such a Charlie Foxtrot?
One day I was in bed with Losha’s luscious body next to mine, having breakfast, and trying to convince her again to come to Bedfordshire and meet my family. The next, I was chasing her around the globe for the sole purpose of finding out who the wanker was that she’d left me for.
I downed what was in the glass, thought about having another, but stretched out on the bed instead and fell asleep without as much as taking my shoes off.
8
Losha
“This is my first time here too,” Zary told me while we waited for the electronic gate to open. “Gunner spoke with Razor, who owns the other half of the duplex; he and his wife are on their way to their home in Oregon.”
The Duke and the Assassin (The Royal Agents of MI6 Book 1) Page 4