by Anne Key
“Oh God. Char? You okay?”
I nod and I can’t stop, even though I know she can’t hear me. I’ve got no breath, though, no space inside me to make words.
“Okay, breathe. Breathe. You’re okay. Do you… should I call 911?”
“No. No. I just… I was so scared.” I knew—I just knew—Meaghan was going to break up with me. Now that she hasn’t, the relief is crushing.
“Yeah, and I was super not-supportive girl while things crashed at school, huh?’
“It sucks. No one’s talking to me but Shaundra. Not one single person.”
“Not even Brant?”
I shake my head, sniffle. “He says he can’t. He doesn’t want to get in trouble.”
“Fucker.”
The fury in her voice makes me giggle a little. “He’s scared.”
“He’s a fucking coward. It’s one thing not to come out. It’s another thing to dump a friend because they were outed.”
I haven’t thought of it like that. To be honest, I haven’t really thought of anything where this whole thing isn’t my fault. “You think so?”
“Yeah, I do.” She sighs softly. “My mom’s calling me to help her downstairs with something. See you Sunday?”
“Yeah. Yeah, text me later?”
“You know it. Love you, Char.”
“I love you.”
She hangs up and I think I can breathe again, maybe.
“Charlene Desiree! Come blow out your candles!”
“Coming, Mom! Jeez. Always hollering.” I’m smiling when I go, though.
Chapter 18
“OKAY, SO you know we gotta talk about this Kaylee stuff and how bad it sucks, right girl?”
Me and Shaundra are sitting on the front porch because it’s raining and cold as a witch’s tit, so the trampoline is out of the question. I’m wearing my hoodie and we grabbed a ton of blankets from the house.
It’s cold, still, but it’s not bad.
“I know. Are we gonna sleep out here?”
“Nah. We’ll go sleep in the front room after everyone else goes to bed. It’s just… you know. Everyone hears everything.”
“Yeah, you got more brothers and sisters….”
“My mom catches pregnant every time she sneezes.”
It’s an old joke, but it’s still funny. “Thanks for the lion. He’s the cutest.”
He has a baseball cap on him with the Lion’s logo.
“I thought so. What did your mom get you?”
“A new ball bag. It’s cool and it’s got wheels. She got me a charm for my charm bracelet and a new pair of shoes. Ben and Amy got me a twenty-five dollar Amazon gift card.” I made out, really.
“Rock on! What’s you gonna buy with the card?”
“Gonna save it for books at college. Everyone says I’ll need it.”
“At least you get to go.”
I nod, because yeah. Yeah, Shaundra’s got her job at Taco Bueno and that’s it.
That sucks.
“It’s okay. I don’t know that I’ll even go back to school here after Christmas break. Everyone’s an asshole.”
“What? No way! You have to finish.”
Doesn’t she? Can you just stop going?
“No I don’t. I’m eighteen. It’s not like I’m ever gonna go to college playing ball or nothing. Anyway, I’ll still come to your games.”
“The games are the only reason I’m still going. Just thinking about Monday makes me want to throw up.” God knows what I’m walking into, and somehow it’s worse now that I’m not all crying and hysterical.
“Everyone knows about your girl. Some people say Kaylee’s just mad because of being jealous, but lots don’t. The popular ones. The cheer ones.”
“Yeah. They were looking for a reason to think I was shitty. Kaylee’s mom was a bitch. Like a total bitch about how I was all poor white trash and nasty.”
“At least she didn’t call you a nigger.”
“She’d have to call me a half one.” I can’t bring myself to say that word, even though Shaundra says I count. I mean, I’m not white or black, either one. And how weird is that—that instead of being both, you’re like neither. “Besides, she’d be worried I’d sue.”
We laugh together for a second, maybe longer. I know Shaundra’s going to ask, and part of me wants to just say it, get it over with.
“So… is it true?”
“Yeah.” Because it is.
“Can I ask you a question?” Like she hasn’t been asking them all along, all damn night.
“Sure, I guess.”
“Did you never come on to me because I’m fat?”
“Huh?” I know I sound like a Cletus, but I don’t think I’m following.
“I mean, it’s cool. You’ve never been nasty to me or nothing. I just… I’ve been into you since the seventh grade and you never seemed like you noticed, even.”
Wait. Wait, is everybody gay? Did I just not know?
“I didn’t know.”
“About me?”
I shake my head, because that’s not what I’m talking about, then nod, because I didn’t know about her either, then shake my head again. I’m making myself dizzy.
“I mean about me.”
“What? How could you not know?”
“Hormones.” That’s what Erin says. I’m so little and so thin that the whole thing needed for me to stop training every day, gain ten pounds so that I have periods and hormones and shit. “I just got my period, really. You know?”
“I was eleven. You hadn’t… for reals?”
I shrug. “Spotting a couple of times. Enough to not look like a freak when the other girls talk about it.”
“So… what about now? Are you—”
“I’m with Meaghan and I’m not a cheater.” I know that. “It’s not because of your weight or nothing. You know I think you look amazing.”
It’s true. Shaundra’s got boobs and a butt and she wears it all like a champ.
“Yeah? Thanks. I…. Well, you know I like you now. If I ever got a chance, you say so.”
God, this is weird. I thought I was the only one, like for real. Brant pointed out some gay guys, but no one like me.
“It’s a deal.” I snuggle deeper into the blankets. “Do your folks know?”
“Shit no. They’d be pissed. Black girls don’t go all Wanda Sykes.”
“I haven’t told my mom either.”
“She’s not on Tumblr?”
“My mom?” No way. “She’s forty. She’s old.”
“Yeah, but Ben’s not. He’s got to have heard.”
Yeah. Yeah, I know that. Ben just keeps looking at me, wanting to talk, and I keep staying out of the way. I got nothing to say right now.
“I guess he’s just all leaving his mouth shut. I don’t know.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“Totally.” I don’t hate him, even if he’s a jackass.
“So. I’m thinking about applying for a job over at the movie theater.”
“Yeah? You tired of fast food?” That could be cool.
“Yeah, and I love movies and Kendall Grey says that if you work there, you get to see all of them for free.”
“Oh, how much would that rock?”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
Shaundra keeps talking and I all of the sudden wonder, like, what’s she going to do? I mean, I know what the plan is for me. Go to Austin. Play softball. Play in the pro leagues. Be a physical therapist. Become a coach. Die in my sleep when I’m old. I mean, sure, I’ll do other stuff. Maybe Meaghan and I will adopt babies from Africa. Maybe I’ll visit LA and decide that I’ll live there. Cool stuff, but the basics are totally planned.
“Whatcha thinking about so hard, Charley?”
“What I’m going to be when I grow up.”
“A softball player, duh. I’m going to Dallas and be a secretary or something. An office job.”
“Yeah?” I think that sounds a little like fresh hell.
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“Yep. Air conditioning. Nice clothes. A desk. A computer. It’s a cushy job.”
“Cool. And you took keyboarding, so you’re set.” I can only text fast, not type.
“I did good in that class. Mrs. Clifton gave me a B.”
Wow. She’s got a reputation of being a real hardass too. She’s all “don’t look at your fingers” and everything.
“You hungry, Charley?”
“I could eat, sure. You know me. I got an empty leg.”
“An empty, skinny leg, maybe.”
She hauls herself up, offers me a hand. It’s almost too cold to come up out of the covers and it’s gonna feel wicked coming back to them, but it’ll be worth the stash of Cheez-Its and Smarties that I know we’ll end up with.
“Thanks for asking me over.” It’s funny, but I don’t realize I miss her until I see her again.
“Thanks for saying yes. I know it’s been shitty and I’m sorry.” We head inside, where Shaundra’s Aunt Lacey is stirring chili or something.
“Y’all are fixin’ to freeze out there.”
“We’re cool.” Shaundra grabs the box of crackers and the tub of candy.
“That’s what I said.” Aunt Lacey grins and her gold tooth glints. “Your momma got any chocolate chips? I could make cookies.”
“I don’t think so. There’s oats, I know.”
They start talking about food and I snap a picture of Shaundra, send it to Meaghan.
my bud
cool. Miss me?
god yeah
having fun?
just talking its cool
cant wait 2 meet her. Shawna?
Shaundra
k love u
love u 2
“Are you ignoring us, Charley?”
Yeah. Totally. “Nope. Just checking my phone. Kid stuff.”
Just texting with my girlfriend.
At least this time I’m not lying to my friends, just their family. That’s a step forward, right?
Chapter 19
I LEAVE for home at five in the morning because there’s no heat at Shaundra’s and I’m dying. I might be poor, but Mom can pay the electric bill most of the time, and if she can’t, Ben or I will.
I grab another couple three hours of sleep, as soon as I stop shivering.
It’s ten before I’m up and moving and Amy’s not up, so she must be at a friend’s house or something. Ben’s car’s not in the drive, so I bet he spent the night at his girl’s. I can hear Mom snoring as I make a pot of coffee and a bowl of Froot Loops before I check my phone.
yell when you wake up
I grin and text back.
aaaeeeeeooooo
v nice can I come???
nods. Moms sleeping still. Haf2b shhh
cu soon
The house is clean enough and Mom won’t care if someone comes over. It’s cold enough that she won’t sleep naked, not that she wouldn’t be cool with that too. I finish my coffee, my cereal, and all my math homework, because really, I don’t want to do all that much of it while Meaghan’s here.
I’m starting on my physics when Meaghan texts.
here
She made good time. Of course, there’s not much traffic Sunday morning, I guess. I open the door, and I can’t stop smiling. “Hey.”
“Hey. You want to head to the Starbucks now, since your mom’s sleeping?”
“Depends on how much the snoring bothers you.”
“It doesn’t.”
“Then come on in. I have to still get my shit together and everything.” And I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go into the Starbucks. I know this town. There’s one Starbucks. Everyone is there at some point in the day. Everyone. “Coffee? There’s orange juice….”
“You have any hot chocolate?”
“I do. Give me a second.”
“Oh, I don’t need you to make me one. I was going to put half of one in my coffee and give you the other half.”
Oh. “That sounds yummy.”
“Yep, and half the calories!”
“I like it.” I find two spoons and the generic packets of cocoa mix and dump half in a clean mug and half in my mostly drunk-up mug. Then I top us off, the whole mixture bubbling up and making farting noises, which sets us both off in giggles.
“How much work do you have to do?”
“A physics worksheet, this stupid chart deal for economics, and then I have to analyze a poem for English.”
“That’s not too bad.”
“No. I finished my math and I’ll have to make up a lab next week at lunch for Bio 2.”
“You’re in Bio 2? Impressive.”
“Yeah. It’s cool. I like the teacher and I’m gonna have to learn it anyway. Erin convinced me to take it.”
“Erin’s your therapist?”
“Yeah. Therapist like my shoulder, not therapist like my noodle.”
“Noodle? I don’t know….” she teases. “Your throwing arm is a little limp.”
“Oh, bitch!” I pinch her arm and we both start laughing again. It’s like we’re both so relieved to not be fighting that we can’t calm down.
Mom’s door opens and she looks out. Her eye makeup is all over her face and she looks like hell. Still, she’s grinning. “As much as I love the sound of happy teenagers, can y’all please keep it down? I’ve got a wicked migraine. Hey, I’m Brenda.”
“Meaghan. Sorry!”
“Not your fault. I just need a few more hours in the snoozebox before I try to pretend to be human. You doing your homework?”
“Yeah.” I stick my tongue out.
“It’s probably good for you.”
“Oh, it’s absolutely good for her,” Meaghan teases and then I reach over to tickle her, which makes her laugh, then stop short. “Sorry. Sorry.”
“Uh-huh. Take a twenty from my purse and go somewhere for breakfast, would you?”
“I got money, Mom.”
“I’m being generous, turkey. Take it and go. Don’t come home until well after noon.”
“Okay. Okay, we’ll go.”
I grab my hoodie and my shoes and get all the homework in my backpack, and we head outside. “Where do you want to go?”
“Let’s go to the Starbucks.” She holds her hand up when I start to protest. “I know you’re scared, but you can’t not go for coffee. That’s bullying, right? We’ll go, get something yummy and little. When the homework’s done we’ll go to our place, get pancakes.”
The Huddle House is our place.
How cool.
I nod because she’s probably right, huh? Eventually I’ll have to go back into the Starbucks and, like, face people.
“Brave girl. I’ll drive.” She winks at me and, God, I’d follow her almost anywhere. It’s crazy, because I know that—what? She’s going to protect me? It’s tomorrow when the shit will hit the fan anyway. No one will actually do a goddamn thing at the actual….
“Babe, is Starbucks a store? A restaurant?”
“It’s like a store, right? Like a shop? ’Cause they have food, but no plates. Restaurants have to have plates.”
We slip into the car.
“McDonald’s doesn’t have plates.”
“Uh-huh! Big Breakfasts come on plates.”
“Oh, yeah. You’re right. I love their sausage.” Especially in biscuits.
“You and your sausage….”
“Stop it! Seriously, you think it’s a store?”
“It’s a coffee shop, so it’s more like a convenience store than a restaurant. All the stuff is to go.”
Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay. “I like that. It makes sense.”
She turns onto Wolfe City Drive and heads toward downtown. “I still say restaurants need plates.”
“Rudy’s doesn’t have plates.” They have butcher paper and brisket of joy.
“Rudy’s is barbecue and those are joints, not restaurants. I mean, for real, has anyone ever said ‘let’s go to the barbecue restaurant?’ You go to a barbecue joint.”
> “Yeah. Or you just go get Ernie’s.”
“Ernie’s has plates.”
We look at each other at the stoplight and just crack up, laughing hard and loud.
God, I missed her. I missed her so bad and now she’s here and we’re laughing and it’s okay.
Like really.
A truck behind us honks and we both jump like someone goosed us. She flips him off and goes through the green light, still giggling. “Where’d he come from?”
“Who the hell knows?”
We get to the Starbucks and suddenly I’m nervous. Not because of Meaghan. I love her and I’m not ashamed of her and I’m not going to make out with her or anything. No, it’s because I’ve been avoiding all those assholes from school all week and I don’t know what to do.
“Fuckmonkeys.”
“What?” I stare at Meaghan. “Did you just say fuckmonkeys?”
“Uh-huh. They’re all fuckmonkeys if they hate on you. We’re not going to let them win, okay? Not even a little bit. It’s not like the guys from the baseball team give a shit. And, fuck, Charley, lots of us on the softball circuit are… like us. Not most, but lots.”
I nod to her. “I feel so stupid, because I didn’t know. Like, I wanted to care about that stuff, but… I didn’t.”
“So? You didn’t care. You care now. Fuck normal. Fuck what everybody else says and what everybody else does. You rock my world, Char, for reals.”
Oh.
“Me too. Me too.” I open the car door and grab my book bag. “I want a caramel macchiato. A big one with all the calories.”
“Ooh. Dangerous girl, living on the edge.” She locks her car. “I’m thinking gingerbread latte of joy.”
“Oh. Oh, I could do a pumpkin spice too….” So many choices. “And a scone.”
“Muffin.” She starts giggling. “I could totally start calling you ‘Muffin,’ Char.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I’d totally dare.”
We head in together and she grins. “I’ll stand in line and order, and you get us a table? It’s busy.”
“Sure. Surprise me. You know what I like.”
I see Brant at a table with his laptop, along with Jack and Chris from the football team, but I don’t stop. There’s a few people I recognize, and I don’t know if they’re staring at me. It feels like they’re staring at me.