Beyond Me

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Beyond Me Page 6

by Annie Donwerth-Chikamatsu


  then out

  at Grandmother and Great-grandfather

  in the fields

  and tell him, no

  out in the fields

  I watch

  09:41

  Earth shake the house

  our home

  I look up

  where are you going?

  I ask passing clouds

  I look down

  on the row I hoed

  take my shoes off

  and

  curl my toes deep

  past the topsoil

  into warmth

  Great-grandfather looks at my bare feet and

  says nothing

  the slim rubber soles of

  his jikatabi

  keep him close to the ground

  stable

  silk braids

  from old floor mats

  dangle from his belt

  he ties poles together

  crisscrossed

  two by two

  to support

  young bean plants

  he gently directs these tender vines

  to the poles

  I follow behind him

  but

  do not ask to help

  he has his own rhythm

  I reach out to a straggler he missed

  and

  notice a shadow walking

  along the edge of the park fence

  a black cat wearing a red collar

  sits down and watches me

  * * *

  later

  I check my phone

  still my text is “unread”

  I’m worried about Yuka

  Mother says, traveling takes longer now

  I fold

  press

  release several cranes and

  notice

  at our dining room sliding glass door

  the black cat is watching me

  I open the door to shoo it away

  the cat steps inside

  sits and

  looks up at me

  do you know this cat? Mother asks

  no

  she tries to coax the cat outside

  17:01

  the house shakes

  the collar bell dings

  the cat sits

  shifts

  settles

  Mother checks the collar

  no tag

  no name

  no contact information

  we have no idea who this cat is

  I’ll call the vet tomorrow

  Mother bikes to 7-Eleven to buy cat food and litter

  buys the last bags on the shelf

  makes a litter box out of a vegetable tray

  a bed out of a cardboard box and

  a flyer with the cat’s picture on it

  I make a flyer

  asking for sunflower seed donations

  the cat sits in front of

  17:16

  me under the table

  17:27

  watching

  and at bedtime

  follows me to my room

  23:10

  and sits at a distance

  in the dark

  this cat must think I rescued it

  I only opened the door

  25 CRANES

  DAY 9

  1:49

  04:53

  06:18

  up early for Saturday

  Father stops on his way to the kitchen

  says, eh-h-h-h?

  when he

  sees the cat

  sitting beside me at the table

  Mother explains

  Father smiles

  says, really?

  I ignore the conversation

  we have a cat, Father says

  when he sees the litter box, bed, and bowls

  Mother calls the vet

  tells us he doesn’t know about

  a missing black cat

  says we’ll go for a checkup this afternoon

  I ignore the conversation

  this cat creates more work, more worry

  he has come

  08:32

  at the wrong time

  Father takes a copy of Mother’s flyer

  out to the vegetable stand

  I follow with the flyer I made

  the cat will not follow me outside

  Father joins Great-grandfather

  to dig up young leeks

  to transplant them in deeper trenches

  to protect them

  and

  to give them room

  to reach deep and grow long

  the starling pecks through the trenches

  I take off my shoes

  barefoot

  I join them

  the sun makes me

  take off my windbreaker

  we work side by side by side

  08:49

  Earth jolts us

  08:50

  but we are in Great-grandfather’s rhythm

  like clockwork

  we finish the job

  at the garden sink

  Father says nothing about my feet

  he only says, this dirt never washes off completely

  * * *

  Father looks happy to return to the fields

  after lunch

  Mother asks me to walk

  to the animal clinic

  beside her bicycle

  with the cat in the basket

  (she tempted him with fish)

  I do not want to go

  but go

  to stop by the hardware shop

  afterward

  at the clinic

  the vet puts Mother’s flyer in the window

  thanks us for fostering him

  (it’s a boy)

  gives us samples of food and litter

  (cats can be picky)

  says he hasn’t been out long, and

  adds,

  this cat was loved

  * * *

  at the hardware shop

  Goto-san greets us

  I scan the racks for sunflower seeds

  don’t see them and

  ask

  Goto-san tells me, not in yet

  not to worry

  there’s time

  next month is the time to plant here

  the cat watches me come out

  he almost looks sad for me

  * * *

  as I fold cranes

  Mother tells me

  she knows about cats

  as a kid

  she went from house to house

  some had cats

  she moved on but the cats stayed

  cats can be good friends

  she spends the afternoon making the cat feel at home

  the table is off limits

  but he doesn’t understand

  Mother starts calling him “Shadow”

  in English

  he is attached to me but

  is never too near

  always watching me

  I watch the pendant light

  checking to see if it’s moving

  to see if Earth’s moving

  I cannot tell

  it feels like we are always moving

  I fold press release

  Shadow watches from a distance

  at dinner

  I don’t need to check the light

  18:56

  I grab my mug and

  head under the table

  Shadow is still

  watching me

  * * *

  I hear Father in their bedroom

  snoring

  snorting

  snoozing soundly

  field work is good for me, he tells us

  before going to bed early

  Shadow follows me to bed

  watches me count cranes on my windowsill

  watches me turn out the light

  the supermoon

  in

  Shadow’s eyes

  is
the last thing

  I see

  25 CRANES

  DAY 10

  in the morning

  Shadow is the first thing I see

  he wants to be fed

  it’s my chore

  along with cleaning his litter box

  Mother heads out on her bike

  Father and Grandmother set up the vegetable stand

  I go out to the fields to join Great-grandfather

  looking back at the house

  I see Shadow sitting on my windowsill

  10:30

  crushing my cranes

  * * *

  a man parks his bike at the edge of the field

  walks out

  stands in front of a cabbage head

  motions to Great-grandfather and

  asks to buy it

  Great-grandfather says it is not good quality

  says it is last season’s

  the man insists

  Great-grandfather nudges it

  slides his knife underneath

  between it and Earth

  he rolls it from hand to hand

  inspects it

  pulls outer leaves away

  lets them fall and

  hands it to the man

  telling him to pay Grandmother at the vegetable stand

  I follow him

  the man asks Grandmother to cut it in half

  to fit in his bicycle basket

  the cabbage crunches open

  beneath her knife

  exposing

  a Fibonacci swirl of leaves

  folding

  leaf over leaf

  holding

  months of air, water, sun

  from this field

  before the radiation scare

  good to have one from here

  the man says, and

  buys spinach and leeks too

  * * *

  the sky darkens

  I go inside

  14:58

  the house shifts with a strong

  shallow

  shake

  Dear People of the Northeast,

  I wish we had fresh vegetables to send you.

  Someday I hope I have sunflower seeds for you.

  from Maya

  I fold

  press

  release

  later

  I overhear Mother and Father

  discussing

  Tokyo city water

  it is unsafe for babies

  radiation levels are too high for babies

  leaks are still not under control

  the one-stop shop already limits water purchases

  what happens when everyone needs bottled water?

  Dear People of the Northeast,

  I keep hoping the nuclear energy company knows what to do.

  from Maya

  Earth has been still for hours

  then

  23:48

  I roll off my bed and

  slide under my desk

  I hear Shadow’s bell

  come closer

  in the darkness

  25 CRANES

  DAY 11

  00:06

  04:54

  05:05

  Father leaves home well rested

  Mother works at the table

  I watch raindrops in garden puddles

  they look like the phantom circles

  of aftershocks

  on the quake map

  ding

  Yuka texts

  sorry took longer

  hard to text from here

  she’s down south

  in the countryside

  Yuka is lucky

  she’s on stable ground and

  in sunshine

  inside this house

  is colder than outside

  Shadow is lucky

  he’s wearing a fur coat

  I feel lucky to hear Yuka’s okay

  I don’t mind she didn’t answer my questions

  * * *

  Grandmother stops by on her way

  to the family grave

  for the spring equinox visit and

  says I should not go

  caution, not fear

  people have been injured by

  stones falling at temples and graveyards

  I will go another time

  to scrub the headstones

  place flowers

  and burn incense

  I am hoping Grandmother

  will be

  14:08

  okay

  Dear People of the Northeast,

  Today, Grandmother went alone to our family grave. Every day for two years, I have been missing my grandfather. Today they are saying over twenty thousand people are dead or missing because of the earthquake and tsunami!!

  That means many thousands of people are sad and worried. Some dead people have no surviving family members to take care of their remains and there is not enough fuel up there for cremation. They cannot bury the dead in the proper way. Old grave sites have been washed away too. It’s so sad.

  I am wishing everyone will rest in peace.

  from Maya

  I run to meet Grandmother at our gates

  see she is okay and

  throw salt on her

  front and back

  to make sure no ghosts followed her home

  she brings back botamochi for teatime

  cautions me

  not to let the cat get any

  it’s sticky

  messy and

  dangerous for pets

  I tell her,

  he sits on the table

  but never bothers anything

  after dinner I fold cranes

  19:43

  I grab paper

  my mug

  and

  dart under the table

  Shadow jumps down

  sits in front of me

  slowly blinking at me

  I wonder if he is finally freaking out

  but then he stops

  I tell Mother,

  there’s something wrong with his eyes

  she observes him

  that’s how cats show affection

  a cup of hot tea and a sweet

  welcome Father home

  he sighs

  sits

  says, good eh?

  Mother joins him

  Shadow follows me to my room

  22:49

  we are shaken

  would Shadow follow me down the ladder?

  I don’t think I can rescue him

  50 CRANES

  DAY 12

  00:27

  12:31

  12:38

  12:41

  12:56

  13:12

  13:15

  13:44

  Dear People of the Northeast!

  Aftershocks are shallow and close.

  And more rain today!

  I wish you sunny skies. It is harder to be strong in rain.

  The sun makes the days better.

  from Maya

  I fold press and release

  a crane

  Shadow swats at it

  no!

  I release another

  Shadow swats at it

  no!

  and another

  three cranes sit

  wing to wing to wing

  Shadow swats at them

  a claw catches hold of one

  it flies

  he pounces

  after it

  drops onto it

  slashing claws

  gnashing teeth

  the crane is in shreds

  no!

  I shout at, charge at, chase after him

  he darts to the entry hall

  barrels past Mother

  out into the rain

  Mother says, he needs a toy

  she finds a string and ties it to a chopstick

  but he doesn’t come back

  I look up


  away

  from the table

  Shadow sits at the door

  Mother lets him in

  out of the rain

  I am not happy with him

  but do not scold him

  Mother is worried

  his fur coat is sopping wet

  she feels she needs to use the hair dryer

  hesitates

  but

  insists it

  needs to be done

  she sits at a distance blow-drying his fur

  a rattle

  a rumble

  a shake

  16:18

  we dash under the table

  16:18

  ! ! !

  two aftershocks

  within seconds of each other

  Shadow moves in front of me

  sits closer than ever to me

  calmly

  17:33

  I realize

  18:19

  he’s been watching over me

  18:44

  we go to bed early

  to conserve solar batteries

  21:04

  I lie in bed

  22:50

  wondering if I will need the ladder

 

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