My jaw slackened. I would be sent into active duty before they ever did. If they were so hellbent on going into the field, then I would have been their best chance to. How could they try to replace me like this?
"You look surprised," Her lips were pressed into a hard line. "Did you think we would sit around and wait on you forever?"
The sting in her voice was gone, but the words still slugged me in the stomach. Or maybe it was just the turmoil in my mind that made everything feel like a slap to the face or a stab to the heart.
"If that's the way you want it then." I said, my eyes burning.
I couldn't look them in the face—I didn't trust the tears not to fall.
"See you on the battlefield." Turning on my heel, I walked back to Ignimitra.
Chapter 11
The day didn't get much better after my visit to Solra and Irikai.
Ignimitra and I had separate training classes. Ironically, my training involved the offensive use of shields. I left with more bruises than I could count, including one that was now turning black and blue just between my eyebrows.
At least Ignimitra's class went better than mine.
The physical aches and pains paled in comparison to the emotional wounds that were opening up inside me. Everyone was slipping away from me all at once. The Academy was a conundrum—excelling here earned you the ire of the people you trained with, yet the commanders threatened you with death if you failed. It was the ultimate paradox, and almost every thought that sprung into my mind brought some pain with it.
I was tired of it all.
After training, I took a warm bath. It eased the pain from my bruises, but did little for anything else. My stomach grumbled while I was drying off, and that’s when it dawned on me that I had missed both lunch and dinner.
Cooking seemed too tedious, so I settled on a bowl of milk and berries.
Peeking out the window as I stood eating over the sink, I saw that Ignimitra had already settled into sleep for the night. Good for her. My tiredness wasn't sleepiness.
I had a few more hours in me before the sleepiness set in. Thanks to my nightmares, I wasn’t going to bed a minute earlier than I needed to. There were a few things I could do to occupy my time, like sharpen my sword, fix the fraying hilt of my dagger or drop this week's uniform's off at the laundry.
But I didn't feel like doing any of those either.
I ended up just sitting in the living room, doing the one thing I didn't want to but couldn't stop myself from: thinking about my problems.
A knock on my front door jolted me out of my thoughts.
My heart-rate picked up. I wasn't expecting any visitors. My throat dried out at the thought that it could be the Headmaster. The last time he didn't knock, so why would he this time? Picking up an iron vase from the end table, I tiptoed to the door.
Knock, knock.
Taking a deep breath, I swung the door open, intending to give whoever was standing on the other side a concussion. I almost brought the vase down on their head, but a familiar voice stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Kaos, it's me!"
For a second, I thought he was a hallucination.
Standing on my front porch was Avek, holding a bunch of flowers. A blush crept up my cheeks as I looked at the vase in my hand. Clearly, I hadn't thought this through.
"Hi," I said sheepishly. "I-I wasn't expecting to see you." Clearly.
He laughed, taking the vase from me and replacing it with the flowers.
"I picked these for you."
The heat in my cheeks expanded. He picked flowers for me? They still had clumps of dirt clinging to their roots. I'd never been one for flowers, but they were beautiful. Small blooms of pink, white and purple.
"They're wildflowers," he said quickly when I didn’t immediately respond. "They reminded me of you. Tough enough to grow anywhere."
Tears pricked my eyes.
"Thanks, Avek." My throat felt like it was closing, but I blinked the tears away. "I love them."
He seemed pleased that I did, his smile nearly stretching from ear-to-ear. Just looking at him made my heart hurt, but it was probably some of the best pain I had ever felt.
Someone walked down the street then, reminding me that we were still standing outside.
"Do you want to come in?" I asked.
He nodded. I stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
"I'll go put these in some water."
When I returned to the living room, I found Avek sitting on my sofa. It was a strange sight, to see him in a place so familiar to me. I committed the image to memory, hoping to think of it again and relish the feeling.
He looked much better. The cuts and bruises had faded till they were just shadows on his skin. He still hadn't cut his hair, and I found that I quite liked his long hair in braids. Today it was caught in a loose ponytail at his nape, with two loose braids framing his face.
"When did you get discharged?" I sat beside him.
"Like an hour ago?" he said with a grin.
My heart sang. I was probably the first person he came to visit.
"It'll be awhile before I'm cleared to be back in the field though," he said, looking off into the distance. "I'm not even close to where I used to be." The Avek I remembered could scale fifty-foot rock walls without breaking a sweat. He definitely couldn’t do that now.
"The good thing is that you're alive," I said, a memory of what it was like while he was missing flaring to life then. I didn't want to ever feel that again. "What about Nurik?"
"He's still on the mend too," he said solemnly. "I think he'll be out in a couple days. He was way worse than I was."
I knew what it was like to witness your dragon hurt, but I didn’t pretend to know what Avek was going through. It hurt him more than he let on. I threaded my fingers through his, squeezing.
"How are you?" Nobody had asked me that recently.
I was transparent under his coal gaze. He could see right through my façade of happiness and composure.
"I'm..." I wanted to say fine, but it wouldn't leave my lips. It was a lie. And I couldn't lie to Avek. "I'm not okay. Things are...worse."
He angled his body towards me, concern riddling his features. I felt his grip on my hand tighten.
"What's happening?"
A question so simple with an answer so complex. There was no easy place to start.
"It feels like everything is spiraling out of my control," I began, heaving a deep sigh. "There's so much I haven't told you."
"I've got nothing but time, Kaos," he pulled a smile.
His voice was so soothing, it felt like I could melt into him.
"My friendship with Irikai and Solra is on the rocks," I began. That one was the freshest wound. "They thought I should've turned down moving up here, and I didn't want to. Yesterday, I tried to mend things but they only called me selfish and told me that they want me replaced."
Avek sucked in a breath, pressing his lips into a hard line.
"People are complicated," he began, sounding like he was hundreds of years older than he actually was. "Do you think that what you did was wrong?"
I mulled over his question. "Accepting the promotion? No. You and I both know that telling the Headmaster not only creates more problems, even if I'm technically allowed to say no." He nodded, following my train of thought. "But I think I went wrong by only thinking about how it made me feel, not them. I had convinced myself that because I was buckling under the pressure up here, they should have been more considerate of me, while I offered them nothing."
Avek tapped my nose playfully, "Exactly."
"How do I apologize for only that part of the problem? I really don't want to seem like this was all my fault. Because it wasn't." I chewed on my lower lip.
Something about what I said made Avek laugh.
"That's not how apologies work," he said. "My mother always told me that apologies were a combination of what you said and what you did. They’ve got three parts."
"Okay, so." He held up a finger. "First, you have to admit your mistake. This part's the hardest. You have to take all responsibility for your actions and try not to turn it into an excuse."
I nodded making a mental note of it. Perhaps what I said to Solra and Irikai did sound like an excuse.
"You also have to ask the person you're apologizing to for forgiveness," his eyes lingered on my face, gauging my reaction.
Forgiveness. That sounded a lot like surrender. I didn't like the feel of that.
"The last one is changing your actions." He now had three fingers up. "Whatever it was that caused the problem, you have to stop doing it. That will totally prove that you're sorry."
I sighed, leaning back into the couch. The leather squelched under my movements.
"That's tough," I pouted.
I had always been the type to do what felt right. Those three steps didn’t feel right at all—it was leaving myself open to their scrutiny, at the mercy of their feelings.
He nodded, stroking the top of my hair. "But they're your friends. Those are hard to come by up here. I’ve seen you three in action. Letting all that go to waste would be a disaster. Promise me you'll at least try?"
It seemed risky—to pour out all of this for Irikai and Solra without a guarantee that any of it would work. But I couldn't resist Avek's boyish grin, and deep down I knew he was right.
"I will, promise." I nodded.
He clasped his hands together. "Great, one down. What's next?"
Unbelievably, I felt lighter. It was as if talking to Avek transferred some of my burden to his strong shoulders. I liked that. My throat worked as I was about to dive into the next topic. This one, I knew I’d have a hard time explaining.
"Have you heard about Betheka?"
Avek's brows furrowed. "The alchemist? I think I overheard nurses talking about her getting admitted. Why?"
I released a breath I hadn't realized that I was holding.
"Well, I found out a couple weeks ago that she's my grandmother. My father's mother." It still sounded foreign to me, but the words brought with them a cascade of pain that seized my limbs.
Avek's eyes widened. "That's good, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, it's amazing to have a relative. We spent time catching up. She didn't really get to know my father until he was an adult but she told me what she knew and it helped. It really helped." My eyes burned. "She told me she had an illness that she couldn't cure, one that was supposed to just slowly eat her away. I thought I had time but..." I sucked in a breath, willing the tears away. "Now she's lying in the hospital bed probably dying and it’s hard to deal with...knowing that we’ve run out of time." I squeezed my eyes shut.
I felt Avek's sturdy arms pulling me into a hug. He smelled like fresh river rocks—calming and safe. My cheek was against his hard chest, but somehow everything felt so soft, so...right. The sadness was fizzling away, replaced by something more sweltering.
"It can't be easy, especially after everything you've been through." I could feel his breath on my cheek. "You'll just have to make every moment with her count."
"I don't think I can visit her for a while," I tried to laugh but it fell flat. "I was pretty much chased out of there for threatening the front desk nurse."
He used a hand on my chin to get me to face him. "There are always workarounds." His smile was devious and it made my stomach flip. I liked that Avek was truly always willing to help me, even if it meant breaking some rules.
It felt like I could tell him anything.
"Something else about her getting sick is bothering me," I began. "It felt too sudden, and the way she looked—she had this tiny rash all over her body—didn’t seem to match up to the illness she told me. Every now and then the thought crosses my mind that somebody did this to her."
I hadn't managed to verbalize this thought to anyone, not even sharing it with Ignimitra. But Avek and I were the only two people in the world right now. He was somebody I could trust.
My words seemed to confuse him, a line forming between his brows.
"Why would you think that?"
Suddenly, I became aware of our surroundings. Was it safe to tell him here? I motioned for him to bring his ear to my mouth so I could whisper. He obliged.
“I found out that the Headmaster and his new alchemist have been using dragons to test some enhancement serum. The next morning, I found the Headmaster in my house. He threatened me to keep quiet, else there would be consequences. But I told Betheka and...”
I couldn't bring myself to draw the conclusion. Just the thought that I could have been responsible for her suffering was undoing me. Avek seemed to pick up on this.
"I doubt somebody did this to her, Kaos," he held me by my shoulders, putting space between us so he could stare into my eyes. "I know the Headmaster. He likes to make a public spectacle of things. He wouldn't kill her that way."
His words shouldn't have comforted me as much as they did. Especially when part of me believed that the Headmaster had quietly killed my father. But, I yielded.
"I’m just so worried, Avek. What if I never get to speak to her again?”
I was back in his arms.
"I can't make you any promises about that, Kaos." He squeezed me tightly. "But she definitely loved you, and I know she wouldn't want you to be this torn up. She would want to live your life for her."
The truth in his words was a balm. Betheka had lived a long full life, even though I had only known her for a year of it. Living my life, the way she would have wanted me to, the way my father wanted me to could have been a healing.
We fell silent then, but I didn't move out of his embrace. We sat there for a while; the stillness of the room punctuated by the low rasp of our breaths. It should've felt awkward. But there was nowhere else I wanted to be. This was where I belonged, with Avek.
Absently, I thumbed the necklace that hung around my neck. His necklace.
"Kaos?" His voice was husky.
"Yes?" I turned to face him.
"Do you want to go on a date sometime?"
I couldn't stop the cheesy grin that painted my face. Instead of an answer, I brought his lips to mine.
AVEK ALWAYS LEFT ME on a high.
After our talk last night, it felt like I could take on the world. Every now and then, his offer for a date would cross my mind and I was blushing all over again.
Did Avek visit last night?
My thoughts screeched to halt when a particular dragon invaded them. I was filling her trough with breakfast.
I frowned at her. Don't you already know, eavesdropper?
Ignimitra seemed to enjoy my annoyance, for she stalked closer to me and bumped me so hard with her snout that the bag of charcoal nearly slipped from my grip.
Are you two mates?
My cheeks flushed and I almost dropped the bag of charcoal again. Humans don’t have mates.
Then what do you guys have?
Truly, I didn't feel like teaching Ignimitra a class on interpersonal relationships right now. Especially not at my own expense.
He's just a good friend.
I've never heard you think of Irikai this way.
I swatted her away and returned to emptying the burlap sack of charcoal.
Eat up, we have training in an hour.
Ignimitra snorted and turned her attention to eating. I went to make something for myself inside, all the while making sure to hold my thoughts close. Ignimitra was relentless—she wouldn’t stop until she got the answer she wanted out of me.
I didn't look forward to having that conversation.
I was halfway through my breakfast when a strangely familiar bell pealed through the air.
At first, I thought it was the Service Bell. Yet w
asn’t quite the same tone. It was the Assembly Bell, the one that had been used to summon us when we were cadets.
Usually, we couldn't hear the bell this far up the mountain. Unless we were being summoned to the Assembly Hall in the Academy District.
I rushed out to Ignimitra who seemed just as roused by the sound.
Isn't that the Academy District Bell?
Yes it is. I don't know what's up, but we have to go.
She grunted her response, lowering herself so I could mount her. Her breakfast was half-finished too. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long so we could finish up our meals before training.
Ignimitra took to the air a heartbeat after, and soon we were on our way.
As we approached, we encountered other soldiers from the Administrative District flying in. I even caught a glimpse of Cuinn on his fiery dragon, racing down the mountain. It seemed that everyone had been summoned down here. That twisted a knot in my stomach. What was so important?
Instead of the Assembly Hall, the crowd gathered in the clearing next to it. A makeshift stage had been erected at the front of the room. I felt numb. The more of these impromptu gatherings the Headmaster called, the more they strained my nerves. Was this the most efficient way to disseminate information? Under all the anxiety, I felt some anger.
Ignimitra set us down a distance away from the group. I stroked her cheek fleetingly before joining the gathering crowd. The faces closest to me weren’t familiar. There was no Solra or Irikai, and even Cuinn's familiar face had been lost in the group. Despite the size, this still wasn't even half the complement of cadets and soldiers on the mountain.
This assembly had to be about the war. Why else would he need all of us together?
It was a few more minutes before Headmaster Archer's voice cut through the dense silence in the clearing. Nature seemed to bend to his will. At this hour, the trees were usually filled with chattering birds and rustling leaves. Even they had gone quiet.
"Cadets and soldiers! Welcome," His voice had a distressing quality to it, more pronounced that it usually did.
A wave of nausea hit me when I remembered that this menacing man had been in my kitchen. Standing on the stage, he loomed above us like a predator. How I had found the nerve to face him, I didn't know.
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