Color Blind

by Lalla Squeglia

  “So you’re going to be a nurse?”

  “Yeah. I like helping people. Unless they’re assholes.” Cole snorted. “I’m serious! You meet them all the time-the jerk who cuts you off in traffic, the perv, um…there’s more, I know there is.”

  “I know. Trust me, I know.”

  He leaned back in the chair, trying to look like he was relaxed.

  “Cole.”

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s okay. They’re not gonna throw us out or anything.”

  “Sorry.”

  She shook her head, but she was smiling. Cole bit his lip.

  “Crap!”

  “What? What is it?”

  “I gotta get back to work!”

  “Sorry for keeping you.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who needs to keep track of that.”

  The waiter dropped a check in front of them.

  “Split it?”

  “I’ll get it.”

  “Thank you.”

  He shrugged.

  “Want me to walk you back?”

  “If you want to.”

  “Sure.”

  He kept a bit of distance between them.

  “I’d like to do this again sometime.” she said.

  He hadn’t been expecting that.

  “Um, sure. Sure, I’d like that.”

  “Cool. I have to go in now.”

  “See you next week?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.”

  She went inside and Cole went to his car. He didn’t remember ever feeling this good-even when he was high.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Nancy called in sick the next day. It wasn’t a complete lie. She had a sore throat, anyway.

  She microwaved a box of noodles and took it to the couch to eat it. She’d pulled the hide-a-bed out earlier that morning to make herself comfortable.

  As she ate, she remembered that she had to write a paper.

  Eh, it can wait.

  She thought about yesterday instead.

  It had been nice, actually. The last time she’d been out with anyone, she had been out with Janet, who drove her nuts sometimes. She loved Janet, really she did, but Jan was obsessed with celebrities and makeup and parties. Nancy had started declining her invitations more and more, and finally Janet had quit asking.

  But Cole was different. Once you looked past the heroin use, he really was a very nice person.

  No! No, no, no! Men only want one thing, and I don’t want to do that anymore!

  So why did she feel safer around him? Maybe it was because she wasn’t alone in the office. She always felt safer when patients were there. That was all.

  So find a new job and forget about him.

  She’d grabbed a paper on the way home. It was sitting on the arm of the couch now, unopened.

  She set her noodles down and picked it up. It felt oddly heavy.

  There weren’t any good jobs today-the best one was a worker for fast food. That wouldn’t work out. She couldn’t cook to save her life.

  So what was she going to do?

  She would worry about it in a few days. Right now she needed to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Cole dropped back onto his bed. He’d taken a dose of medicine that night to help him sleep, but so far it wasn’t doing anything. He looked at the clock. It was only five after nine.

  Sean would be coming home tomorrow unless his flight was delayed. Cole hoped it would be. Hell, he hoped he wouldn’t come home at all.

  He’d taken his shot about an hour ago, but already he was itching. He thought about taking more, but he knew he’d regret it. Hopefully the medicine would kick in soon.

  Yesterday had gone better than he’d thought it would. He had been expecting half an hour of awkward silence, at best. Maybe they could do it again in a week or two.

  He wondered if he should try to keep in touch if-after-he kicked heroin.

  I’ll see how it goes, I guess.

  He put the pillow over his face and prayed for sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Nancy looked at the day’s paper. Even a part-time job would be better than the one she had. Then she could work short hours here until she found somewhere else. That would be fine as long as she had early hours.

  There weren’t too many jobs to be had, but there was one at a hotel down the block from her apartment. That might be okay. She would check it out tomorrow and see about it.

  “Nancy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Have you seen your father lately?”

  “No. Why?”

  “Just curious. We go way back, you know.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  “Next time you see him, tell him I said hi.”

  “I will.”

  She forced a smile until he went into the back room.

  I really hate that man.

  When she got home she would shower and look at the hotel job.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Cole prodded at his food. He really wasn’t hungry, but Sean was sitting across from him and if he didn’t eat, he’d be in trouble.

  “Are you still sick?”

  “It’s almost gone.”

  Sean frowned.

  “I’m worried about you, Cole.”

  Cole knew better than to ask why.

  “You’ve been sick for a while. You wouldn’t be trying to quit, would you?”

  “No, Dad.”

  “Good. You’re sure you’re feeling okay?”

  “Yes, Dad.”

  “Good. Finish your dinner.”

  Cole forced down a few more bites.

  “I can’t, Dad. My stomach really hurts.”

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I don’t know, it just hurts.”

  Sean’s eyes narrowed. Cole looked at his hands and swallowed. He could only hope that Sean wouldn’t be too angry.

  “Maybe you should skip your shot tonight.”

  It wasn’t a suggestion.

  “Okay.”

  “Go up to bed if you’re feeling sick.”

  Cole nodded and stood up.

  “Good night, Dad.”

  “Just go to your room.”

  Sean took a drink of his beer. Cole went towards the stairs. He made it to his room without incident. He wasn’t looking forward to the morning. Withdrawal was a bitch. He thought about borrowing the bucket, but decided against it. It wasn’t worth more pain.

  His head was already starting to hurt. The achyness would only spread as the night went on.

  Why me?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Cole woke up shaking and sick. There was a note on his bedside table: shot’s on the counter.

  It hurt to drag himself out of bed, and for a minute he didn’t think his legs could support him. He made it downstairs somehow and prepared his shot sitting on the floor. He didn’t realize he’d taken all of it until the needle was empty.

  Whoops.

  He didn’t care. It felt good.

  He moved so he was lying down, using his shirt as a pillow. The tile was cold against his back, but it felt good at the same time.

  It didn’t take long for him to pass out there, his scarf still clutched in his hand.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Nancy looked at the hotel. She hadn’t gone after work that one day-Janet had called and wouldn’t shut up. So here she was, two days later, trying to get up the courage to go in.

  Why am I so nervous? It’s gotta be better than what I’m in now. Right?

  She didn’t move.

  On three, I’ll go in. One, two, three.

  She took a deep breath and went in. It was cold in there.

  The girl at the desk had brown hair and unfriendly eyes. Every few seconds she would pop her gum. Nancy didn’t think she liked her very much.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m here about a job?”

  “Hang on. Lemme call the manag
er.”

  She turned around.

  “Hey, Dan!”

  A big man in his early forties came out. He was bald, but wearing a bad toupee. He looked nicer than the desk girl, but Nancy had to force herself to step closer to him.

  “A job, huh? Come on back here and we’ll have a talk.”

  It was all she could do not to bolt for the door. But there were people here-she would be okay.

  There’s someone else right there. Just relax.

  She followed him into a back room. It smelled of coffee. The room was small and she had to shove her hands in her pockets so the manager-Dan-wouldn’t see them shaking.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Nancy Hale, Sir.”

  Oh, she wanted to get out of here. Now.

  “My name is Dan Marx. And I’m not a comedian.”

  Nancy forced a smile.

  “I saw your ad in the paper. I was wondering what the job entailed?”

  “We’re looking for a desk girl for Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It would be in the afternoons, from around one to eight.”

  That’s not bad. I could still manage school.

  “What does the desk girl do?”

  “Checks in the guests, handles paperwork, and deals with any questions or complaints the guests have. If they need new towels, you need to bring them up. Oh, and if they have any comments, you need to deal with those.”

  “Okay.”

  “You will have to take a training program, though, to learn how to use the computer.”

  “I’ll think about it. Can I call you in a day or two when I’ve had some time?”

  “Of course. The number’s in the phone book.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  She couldn’t get out of there fast enough. There was no way she was working at the hotel. She’d keep looking.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Nancy called the hotel two days later and declined the position. No need to keep them hanging.

  Well, now what?

  She was settled on the couch, channel-surfing, when the power went out.

  There wasn’t anything on, anyway. she tried to console herself. I’ll just go to bed now.

  She hated the dark. She knew it was silly, but she was scared of it. She blamed Dr. Grey.

  After twenty minutes of sitting in fear on the couch, she made herself get up and find her flashlight. It was dead.

  Oh, no. No, no, no.

  It was suddenly very hard to breathe.

  She fumbled around, looking for her lighter, anything she could use to make the dark go away, and found nothing. She sank to the floor and closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

  It’s okay, it’s okay. In, out. In, out. Just breathe.

  She couldn’t breathe. It felt like her eyes were sewn shut and she curled into a ball in the corner. She could feel the cold tears racing down her cheeks. Her throat felt swollen. She was shaking and a few noises escaped her mouth that she did not recognize as her own.

  The lights came back on.

  Nancy blinked and looked around the room. It was nice and familiar-a stack of bills on one counter, her shopping list on the corkboard, and the box of rice she’d been making earlier. Her legs were too shaky to stand and she had to crawl to the bathroom to vomit. She eventually passed out on the floor there, curled into a ball with her hair over her face.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Cole came in Monday looking depressed and angry.

  “Cole? Are you okay?”

  “I fucked up.” he said quietly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I fucked up. I took a full dose yesterday.”

  Nancy wasn’t sure what to say. This happened frequently with recovering addicts, and the response was always the same. But she still had no idea what to say to them.

  “I’m sorry.” she said at last.

  Cole didn’t answer. Nancy made herself start on her paperwork again. Cole flopped into a chair, his hands gripping his hair.

  “It’ll be okay, Cole.” she said.

  She had no idea why she thought she needed to comfort him. She couldn’t help it-he looked sick and disappointed and angry. He didn’t acknowledge her at first.

  “Is this normal?”

  “Relapsing? Yes, it’s normal. Every patient we’ve had-every patient like you-has relapsed once, usually more than once.”

  “Oh.”

  He looked a little less upset at that, and he curled farther into the chair and closed his eyes.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m a little better, thanks. How’s class?”

  “Busy. Tests.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Oh yeah. Big time.”

  He didn’t say anything else.

  “Dr. Grey’s running late.” she said, trying to make conversation.

  “Is he?”

  “Yes.”

  “Great.”

  She shut up. He obviously didn’t want to talk. She looked at the clock above his head. Dr. Grey was running very late.

  “Nancy?”

  She jumped.

  “Yes?”

  “Sorry I startled you.”

  “It’s okay. I was just kind of…out of it.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Did you need something?”

  “Do you have any cough drops?”

  “Hang on…yes. Honey or cherry?”

  “Honey, please.”

  She gave him one. One of his gloves had unraveled a bit and she could see a red mark on his finger. She repressed a shudder and went back to her desk.

  “Thank you.”

  “Sure.”

  The door opened and Cole jumped. Nancy felt her heart rate speed up.

  “See you next week. Cole, you can go back now.”

  Nancy went back to her paperwork. When the door shut, she pulled out the paper she’d picked up earlier. Maybe today there would be a good job offer.

  * * * *

  “How’s it been going?”

  “Not very good.” Cole admitted.

  “How so?”

  “I messed up yesterday. I took a full dose by accident.”

  “Accident?”

  “I wasn’t paying attention and I accidentally took all of it.”

  “Where do you get your…supplies, Cole?”

  “A friend of mine gets them for me.” he lied.

  “Does this friend know you’re trying to stop?”

  “No. He wouldn’t take it very well.”

  “Did he get you started?”

  “No.”

  “Then why wouldn’t he take it well?”

  “He has a problem with taking it alone.”

  “But he doesn’t want to stop?”

  “I have to go.”

  “Cole-!”

  Cole ducked out and headed for the door.

  “Cole, are you okay?”

  He didn’t answer her.

  “Cole? Cole, wait up! Cole!”

  He finally turned around.

  “What?”

  “Are you okay? Is everything okay at home?” He froze. Why would Nancy ask him that? “Cole?”

  “Y-yeah. Everything’s fine.”

  “Do you need a ride to the doctor’s office or something?”

  “No, I’m fine. Really. Just a little…a little tired, that’s all.”

  She didn’t believe him. That was bad.

  “If you’re sure you don’t need anything…”

  “I’m fine. I’ll see you Thursday, okay?”

  She only looked at him for another minute before nodding and walking back in. He thought about running after her and telling her the truth, but he doubted she’d believe him. No one else had. Why should she?

  * * * *

  What the hell is wrong with me? Nancy thought. Why’d I do that?

  She had no idea why she’d run after Cole today. She had no reason to. It was for her best if she
hadn’t. But she had.

  That was stupid. Now he’s probably going to kidnap me and…

  She clapped her hands. There was no need to get on that topic. Besides, heroin was notorious for killing sex drive, she would be fine. At least around Cole.

  Still. It doesn’t do that forever, one of these days…

  She clapped again.

  “Nancy? Are you okay?”

  “One of those damn gnats.” she said, trying to sound normal. “I can’t kill it to save my life.”

  She started getting her things together. The lights went off.

  “Is the power out?”

  There was no answer. She swallowed.

  “Dr. Grey?”

  “Nancy, will you come back here? I can’t see anything.”

  “I can’t. I have to go to a job…I have to make up a test.”

  She grabbed her backpack and ran for the door. There was no way she was staying there any longer with the lights off.

  Chapter Thirty

  There had been an ad for a dental secretary in the paper that day. The dentist’s office was about twenty minutes from Nancy’s apartment. Hopefully it would work out.

  I can’t keep freaking out like this! If I don’t get a bad feeling, I’ll take it.

  The girl at the desk looked frazzled. Nancy felt bad for her-her first few months behind a desk had been a nightmare.

  “Hi, I’m here about a job?”

  “Right this way.”

  “What about the desk?”

  “The office is right by it. Come on.”

  Nancy followed her back. She seemed very nice. A bit too loud, but she could deal with that.

  “Okay…you’re here to manage the desk?”

  “Yeah. I work at a walk-in rehab clinic-it’s not far from here, actually-but business has been a little slow and I think it’s best I get out now. I really can’t afford to not have a job.”

  “I know that feeling.”

  Nancy resisted the urge to lean back. She liked it here already.

  “What would I have to do here?”

  “Have you worked at a desk before?”

  “Yes. That’s what I’m doing now.”

  “About the same. Keep things organized, fill out papers, schedule appointments. Is that what you do at the…rehab clinic, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s about the same. Here’s my résumé and schedules.”

  “Thanks. I’ll look this over and call you soon, okay?”

  “Sure. Thank you.”

  Nancy left. She felt better already. Hopefully she could work here instead of at the clinic. She thought she would like it here. She went home and, for the first night in several months, did not wake up to puke.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Nancy was on her way home from school a few days later when she realized she was out of cigarettes.

  Great. I’ll just keep going until I hit the gas station.

  She got gum, cigarettes, and a lighter. She was about to check out when she spotted something else-pepper spray.

  She picked up the little bottle. Dr. Grey’s face flashed into her mind.

  Should I?