Color Blind

by Lalla Squeglia

She bought the pepper spray.

  When she got home, there was a message on her answering machine from the dentist’s.

  “Hi, Ms. Hale, this is Mary Niece, from the dentist’s office on Fifth. I’m calling to say that you can start as soon as you’re ready.”

  She called back immediately.

  “Sorry I wasn’t home, I had to run to the store…”

  “It’s okay. When can you start?”

  “Next Thursday.”

  “Good. See you then at one o’clock.”

  Nancy hung up, unwrapped the pepper spray, and put the bottle in her purse. She went to bed that night feeling safer and happier than she had in a year.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Sean was drunk. He’d come home tipsy and continued drinking. Now he was stumbling around, a beer bottle in one hand. There were drops of beer scattered around the carpet. Cole was halfway towards the stairs when Sean shouted, “Where the hell are you going?”

  “Bed. It’s late.”

  “Get over here, Cole.”

  Cole didn’t go.

  “I’m tired. It’s late, I’m going to bed.”

  Sean frowned.

  “You talkin’ back to me, boy?”

  “No, I just…”

  Sean went over to him and slumped against the wall.

  “You just, you just! You’re always just doing something you shouldn’t!”

  Cole kept his mouth shut.

  “Next time I tell you to come here, you do what you’re told!”

  “Dad, I’m sorry…please don’t…”

  Sean grabbed the neck of his shirt and yanked him off the ground.

  “Goddammit Cole, you never listen to me! What’s it gonna take to get you to listen to me?”

  Cole swallowed and shook his head.

  “I’m sorry…Dad, please, just don’t…”

  Sean shook him. Cole risked putting his hands on his father’s to try to get him to let go. Sean threw him onto the couch. The impact made him cough but he didn’t move. He didn’t speak, either. Hopefully Sean would stop now.

  He didn’t.

  Cole pressed against the couch as Sean came over to him. He didn’t think he could get around him to the stairs, and he didn’t try.

  “Dad?” he whispered.

  “Stand up, Cole.”

  Cole did as he was told.

  “Dad, I…”

  “Where have you been going lately?”

  “Nowhere, I swear.”

  “Tell me the truth.”

  “I am! I haven’t been anywhere lately!”

  Sean frowned.

  “You’d better not be lyin’ to me, boy.”

  “I’m not, I swear!”

  Sean crossed the room and loomed over him.

  “I don’t like it when you talk back to me, Cole. And I don’t like it when you lie to me. So tell me the truth.”

  Cole pressed back into the couch, wishing it would swallow him. It didn’t.

  Sean stood there, unmoving for several seconds, before grabbing Cole’s wrist and yanking him off the couch. He clenched his teeth and kept his eyes downcast.

  Just take it. That’s all I can do is just take it.

  “Why can’t you just do as you’re told, Cole?” Sean shouted at him. “Why?”

  Just breathe, in and out. Just take it.

  “Just like your mother.”

  Mom, where are you, why’d you leave?

  “And what the hell is this?”

  Cole looked up. Sean was holding one of his sketches in his free hand.

  “It’s a drawing…”

  “A drawing?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  “Sissies are the only ones who draw, Cole.” Cole stayed quiet. “Did you hear me?”

  “Yes, Dad. I heard you.”

  “Then why are you still doing it?”

  “I forgot…I was just bored, that’s all.”

  His wrist really hurt.

  “Dammit, Cole, why don’t you do what you’re told?”

  “I’m sorry…I just forgot, that’s all.” He swallowed and tried to tug his wrist free. Sean tightened his grip on it. “Dad, please, you’re hurting…”

  “Shut up.”

  “Dad…”

  Sean dragged him up the stairs and shoved him into his room. Cole rubbed his wrist gently.

  “How did I end up with you?” Sean asked. Cole didn’t answer. Sean tilted his head back and finished his beer. “Just get to bed.”

  Cole went over to his bed and sat down. His wrist was throbbing and he couldn’t wait for Sean to go to sleep so he could go downstairs and get a painkiller.

  He never got the chance. Sean threw the beer bottle at him and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Cole heard the sound of the lock being set.

  He waited a few minutes to make sure Sean wasn’t coming back before digging the wrap Nancy had given him out of his backpack. It took him several tries to wrap his wrist enough to sleep.

  Hopefully Dad will remember to unlock the door before he leaves tomorrow.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Sean didn’t unlock the door the next morning save for a few minutes to drop off a bag of heroin, a needle, water and a spoon.

  Cole injected the full dose and started digging through his backpack for the clinic’s card. There was no way he was going to be in today.

  What if he never lets me out again?

  That was ridiculous. Sean had never kept him in here for too long.

  But what if he forgets about me or something?

  Cole put that thought out of his head and dug out the card.

  Why’d I just do that? There’s no phone in here.

  He shoved the card under his mattress and got out his sketchbook instead. It wasn’t a real sketchbook-it was only paper that he’d found in the living room-but it worked for him. Any paper was better than no paper, even if Sean hated it when he drew things.

  If he thought he could get away with it, he’d kill me.

  He only half-doubted that thought. Sean was fond of telling him, “If I had proof you weren’t mine, I’d throw you out in the cold.” But he’d follow that statement up with a one-armed hug. The hugs were always too tight and Cole had taken to standing as still as possible until Sean let go.

  What am I to him, anyway?

  He didn’t know. But, seeing as Sean wasn’t here and there was obviously no way he was going anywhere, he could draw. Nancy had said something about wanting to see one of his sketches. He’d make one for her. That would be something to keep him busy, and hopefully keep her from being too upset at his not coming today. After checking one last time that Sean’s car wasn’t in the driveway, he got out his paper and a pencil stub. He was already regretting taking the full dose of heroin. He pushed that thought out of his head and went to work on a new sketch.

  * * * *

  Nancy was worried when Cole didn’t show up. That wasn’t like him-bruised or not, he was always there.

  He’s probably OD’d or something.

  She wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. But, then again, he’d been sick lately. Maybe he was too sick to come in.

  That’s more likely. He forgot to call. Oh, well. There’s other people.

  Something struck her. There weren’t other people. Unless they had a walk-in, there wasn’t going to be anybody else for the rest of the day. And walk-ins had been pretty rare as of late. Nancy swallowed. She felt in her purse for the pepper spray and realized she’d forgotten it at home.

  Why do I have to be so stupid?

  She tried to look busy as the back door opened up.

  “No Cole?”

  “No…I don’t know where he is. Maybe he’s sick or something.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Twelve thirty.”

  “Is anyone else due?”

  “No, not unless we get a walk-in.”

  “We have time for lunch, then. Don’t we?”

&n
bsp; “I’m going to meet a friend from school. She’s been sick the last few days and I want to help her catch up. Almost finals.”

  Dr. Grey frowned but didn’t say anything. Nancy grabbed her purse and left quickly before he could get any ideas.

  * * * *

  Cole had spent most of the day sleeping or drawing. Sean was a few hours late and Cole wondered if he’d gotten in a car accident. He almost hoped so.

  Should I be so lucky. He’s probably just late.

  He didn’t really want Sean to be dead, but he didn’t think he’d be sorry if he was. It would only be fair.

  He looked outside again before taking the sketch out to look at it. He’d tried to make it happier than most of his other work, but it had come out dark all the same. He liked it, though. He hoped Nancy would like it, too.

  There was the sound of the car coming up the driveway and Cole put his sketchbook back under the bed and lay down. He was starting to itch and he hoped that Sean had a shot for him.

  “Cole! Cole, get down here!”

  “I can’t, Dad. The door’s locked.”

  Sean came upstairs, unlocked the door, and went back downstairs. Cole dragged himself off the bed, used the bathroom, and shuffled downstairs.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “You take your shot?”

  “This morning.”

  “Good.”

  Cole nodded. He wasn’t sure if he should say something or keep quiet. Sean didn’t seem drunk, which was a good sign.

  “How’d work go?”

  “Fine. Lousy traffic out there.”

  Cole forced a smile and took a few steps back.

  “I’m not really hungry tonight. I’m gonna shower and go to bed, okay?”

  “You feeling okay, Buddy?”

  God, he hated that nickname.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. Just a headache, that’s all.”

  Sean frowned but let him go. Cole went back upstairs to take a hot shower. He needed to get out of this house, the sooner the better. Not for the first time, he picked up the razor blade. It was dull-the damn thing was always dull-and he put it back. There was no point in trying anything with a dull blade. All those made were little nicks. He did a quick shave and threw the blade out. When the water was cold, he got out, took the shot Sean had left in his room and went to bed with the radio on. He didn’t sleep at all.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Nancy was working on a file for a new patient when Cole came in. She was surprised to be happy to see him.

  “Hey! Wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”

  “Sorry I couldn’t phone-I was at the doctor’s most of the day.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Just that cold…I was getting a little worried.”

  He was stammering now and chewing his lower lip to pieces.

  “And? How’d it go?”

  “Fine. It’s just a clingy cold, that’s all. Thanks for asking.”

  “Mm-hm.”

  “Th-that reminds me. I-I brought something to show you.”

  She looked up. What could he possibly have brought to show her?

  “What is it?”

  He held a piece of paper out to her, keeping his fingers as close to the edge of it as possible. She took it and looked at it, not sure of what to expect.

  It was a drawing, done with pencil. It was a picture of a man and a woman standing next to a lake, talking. Their reflections were visible in the lake, but they were skeletons. There was a school of what looked like piranhas swimming towards them. Nancy looked back up at Cole.

  “Did you draw this?”

  He wasn’t looking at her now. He was looking at the floor.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s…are you some kind of professional?”

  She wasn’t joking. The sketch in her hand looked like it had taken months to do. She liked it.

  “No. I’m not.”

  He looked very nervous.

  “I like this. I like it a lot.”

  “You do?”

  She nodded.

  “You can keep it, if you want.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  “Thank you.” She stuck it in her backpack, thinking she’d have to find a frame for it. “How are you feeling?”

  He shrugged.

  “I’m okay, I guess.”

  She wanted to ask him how it was going with the withdrawals, but Dr. Grey chose that moment to get rid of his current patient and she had no choice but to send him in.

  “Cole?”

  “What.”

  “Thanks.”

  The corners of his mouth went up for a second, but they dropped quickly and he only nodded before disappearing into the back room.

  * * * *

  Cole didn’t know how he answered Dr. Grey’s questions properly.

  Did she like it? She said she did…why do I give a damn, anyway?

  A small voice in his head hissed, you like her, that’s why. So do something else.

  Dr. Grey sent him out. Nancy was outside digging through her purse. She had a cigarette in one hand.

  “Lighter?”

  She jumped and looked up.

  “Oh-! Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

  He shrugged.

  “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to…um…do something again. Sometime. Like coffee or something.”

  “Sure.”

  “Okay.”

  Wow. She said yes again.

  “Is there any day that you’re not…um…busy or anything?”

  “Today. Or tomorrow. Any day, really.”

  “Today?”

  “Yes.”

  “Could we do it today?”

  “Ah, sure.”

  “Great. What time?”

  “I get off in an hour.”

  “Um…okay.”

  “Wanna just hang out here for a bit? You don’t have to, but it’s kinda cold out here if that was your idea.”

  His original idea was to wait in a coffee shop, but staying at the clinic was fine. Probably better-he wouldn’t get weird looks from other people. Hopefully he wouldn’t get weird looks, anyway.

  He followed Nancy back inside and dropped into one of the ugly yellow chairs.

  “Do you want a cough drop?”

  He shook his head. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. But he would have to say something, because she wasn’t watching him.

  “No, I’m okay.”

  “You don’t sound good, Cole. Are you sure you’re up for this?”

  Why did he always have to get butterflies when she said his name? They made his voice shake.

  “Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

  She didn’t look like she believed him, but she didn’t press him. He was grateful for that.

  Cole dropped his head back to look at the clock above Nancy’s head. One-thirty. He closed his eyes some and looked at Nancy instead. Granted, the last time had gone well, but he still no idea what to say to her, how to behave.

  He just hoped he wouldn’t screw this up.

  * * * *

  Nancy stuffed her pepper spray bottle into her jacket pocket and silently thanked Cole for getting her out on time. Dr. Grey had not looked happy-she’d seen him leaning against the window, frowning, when they’d left. Now, though, they were walking down the street towards the new coffee shop that had opened last week. Cole had his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. He looked like he was trying to blend in with his surroundings. Nancy wondered why.

  The coffee shop was nearly dead, but it was warm inside. There were no pictures on the brown walls. Nancy had no idea why she’d said yes again.

  This is stupid. It’s not safe. I shouldn’t be here-he’ll kidnap me or something and then I’ll be worse off than I am now.

  But there was a little voice in the back of her head that disagreed.

  Coffee arrived and Nancy dropped her eyes to look at it. As she did, Cole reached for his and his sle
eve went up. There was a set of bruises on his arm.

  “What happened?”

  “What?”

  She pointed. He promptly fixed the sleeve and said, “Nothing.”

  She didn’t believe him. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Nancy wasn’t sure what to say. She was nervous but not-nervous.

  He isn’t going to hurt you. Not like that. Heroin kills sex drive, remember?

  With that comforting thought in her head, she looked back up at him. His eyes were trained on the cup in front of him. He looked terrified.

  Well, at least I’m not the only nervous one.

  “How long have you been drawing?”

  “I don’t know. Since I was a little kid.”

  “You’re good.”

  “Thanks. How many years do you have left of school?”

  “Several. Like…six, seven.”

  “Bummer.”

  “Well, I have two years down the drain.”

  They both laughed. Things were getting a little easier now.

  Two hours and several coffees later, Cole mumbled something about having to go home.

  “This was um…nice.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can we…can we do this again next week?”

  “Sure.”

  Why’d I say that? Why did I just say that?

  “How’s Thursday?”

  “Okay.”

  He gave her a small smile and walked her back to her car. She felt safe. She liked this feeling of safety. Suddenly, Thursday seemed very far away.

  “See you Thursday.”

  He nodded, turned around, and walked away. The safe feeling vanished and she hurried up to get in her car to go home.

  What the hell is wrong with me? she thought. Why am I feeling like this about a junkie, a guy no less, who is no different than that asshole I work for?

  She drove home, utterly confused and sure of one thing-Thursday was not going to come fast enough.

  * * * *

  Cole was lying on his bed, thinking about earlier, when Sean came in.

  “What’s this?”

  He was holding up the wrap Nancy had put on his wrist a few weeks ago.

  “It’s a wrap. I found it under the sink a few weeks ago, for my sprained wrist…” His voice faded as Sean shook his head.

  “We don’t have any wraps, Cole. Remember? We tore the house apart looking for one when you fell.”

  “I didn’t fall.” Cole snapped. “You pushed me.”

  Shit, why did I just say that?

  Sean frowned. Cole pressed against the mattress.

  “Where did you get this, Cole?”

  “Under the sink. I guess we missed it.”

  “No, we didn’t. So where did you get this?”

  “Fine! I went to the drugstore because my wrist was really hurting. That’s all, I swear! I went straight there and came straight home.”

  Sean came over to the bed and stood over him. Cole looked at a spot on the wall, hoping and praying that nothing would happen.