Color Blind

by Lalla Squeglia

“Cole Martin, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but something is wrong with you. I did not say you could go to the drugstore. I would’ve picked something up for you if you needed it that badly. And now you’re taking tones right and left with me, shutting your door…what the hell has gotten into you?”

  Cole swallowed.

  “Nothing, Dad. Nothing. I just didn’t want to bug you at work, that’s all.”

  Sean threw the wrap at him. It slithered to rest on his throat.

  “Look at me, Cole.”

  Cole slowly brought his eyes up to meet his father’s.

  “Dad, I…”

  “I don’t like doing this to you, Buddy, but you won’t learn if I don’t teach you. Stand up.”

  “No.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said no.”

  Sean’s lips formed a thin line as he slid his belt off. Before Cole could react, he’d been grabbed, jerked off his bed and thrust against the wall.

  “You don’t talk back to me. Now just stand still and take it for once and it’ll be quick.”

  Cole didn’t have to the strength to run. He could hardly stand and he ended up leaning against the wall.

  “Take your shirt off. We don’t have money for a new one right now.”

  Yeah, right. You just don’t want me to go outside.

  He did what he was told all the same and tossed the shirt onto his bed. The wall was freezing against his skin.

  There was the familiar sound of the belt whipping through the air and he flinched when it struck his shoulders.

  “Dad, please…”

  “Shut up and take it.”

  He shut up. Five minutes later, Sean left the room without another word. He was bleeding but he didn’t bother to stop it.

  Why does he do this to me?

  No answers came to mind and Cole fell facedown onto his bed. His back was throbbing and getting up to turn off the light seemed like too much work. He didn’t bother. After lying there for half an hour, Sean came back, pulled the sheet over him, and turned off the light. Cole passed out not long after. He didn’t sleep well-nightmares kept waking him up every few hours, and by three o’ clock the next morning, he was working on a new sketch.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  “So? Who is he? Is he nice?”

  “Jan, there is no he. I’m single and happy that way.”

  “You’re a crappy liar.”

  “I’m not lying!”

  “Nancy, when someone gets quiet and smile for no reason, there’s a he involved. So who is it?”

  Nancy shook her head.

  “There is no he. Trust me. I should know-it’s my nonexistent love life here.”

  Janet rolled her eyes.

  “You need to date more.”

  “I’m fine, Jan.” Nancy snapped.

  “Jeeze. Someone’s been alone for too long.”

  “Sorry. But really, quit nagging. There’s no he, and I don’t want to date right now. There’s finals.”

  Janet rolled her eyes. Nancy went back to her sandwich.

  Janet was right, though. Nancy had felt a little happier all morning, and when she’d gotten up she couldn’t figure out why. Then she remembered. It was Thursday. Cole would be there today. The thought of his name made her smile again.

  “You’re doing it again!”

  “Doing what?”

  “Nancy Hale, are you having an affair with a married man?”

  “No! Why would I do something stupid like that?”

  “You’re smiling randomly and won’t tell me who it is!”

  Janet would probably bug her all day if she didn’t say something.

  “Fine. I’m meeting someone today for coffee. He’s very nice. Happy?”

  “You like him!”

  “I do not! If I liked him, you’d have met him.”

  “Is he one of your patients?”

  “Jan…”

  “Is he? Is that why you don’t want to tell me?”

  “It’s nothing, Jan. He’s just very nice and very funny and a good artist and…”

  “You do like him! You’re gushing! So? Is he a patient?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, God. What’s he on.”

  Janet did not look happy. Nancy shook her head. She would admit her friend was right, but she didn’t get the vibe off of Cole that she got from some of the others. He looked like a lost little boy, not a man in an alley with a knife.

  “Heroin. But Jan, you haven’t met him, you wouldn’t get it unless you did.”

  “Heroin? Nancy, are you out of your mind? He’ll use you! That’s what they all do!”

  “You haven’t met him. He’s not like the others.”

  “They’re all alike. You know that.”

  “Still. He’s not. He just messed up, that’s all.”

  Janet raised her eyebrows. Nancy ignored her. She wouldn’t get it. Not unless she met him.

  “Nancy, I just worry about you. I mean, a heroin addict…”

  “I don’t like him, anyway. Not like that.”

  “Does he have a name?”

  “Cole Martin.”

  “You like him.”

  “What?”

  “Say his name again.”

  “Cole Martin?”

  “Yes. You like him. If you’re smiling when you say his name, you like him.”

  “I don’t like Cole.”

  “You’re doing it again! You do.”

  Nancy flipped her off. Janet leaned over the table.

  “Listen to me. Just be cautious, okay? I don’t want him using you for his habit and dropping you.”

  “Thanks, Janet.”

  “That’s my job as your best friend. Now be careful around him.”

  “I’m fine. I have pepper spray.”

  “Good girl.”

  Janet was right, of course, but Nancy really did like Cole. She liked the feeling she got when she was around him, like he’d keep her safe from Dr. Grey. Which was a ridiculous thought because he wouldn’t be there forever and besides, men were all alike. He would side with Dr. Grey over her any day. She pushed those thoughts out of her mind. She didn’t want to think of those things right now. Thursday was finally here.

  * * * *

  Nancy was paranoid that Cole wouldn’t be there today, but he showed up five minutes early, just like always. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face when she saw him.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi.”

  “How’s it going?”

  “Okay. You know. You?”

  “Fine. Busy.”

  “We still on for today?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  He looked happy at that and signed in. He was stiff and she wondered what was wrong.

  “Are you okay?”

  He nodded and dropped into a chair, leaning forward. That wasn’t like him. Maybe he’d hurt his back somehow. She was a little concerned.

  “Um, Nancy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can I have a cough drop?”

  “Yes. Are you still sick?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  She handed him a honey one and went back to her desk.

  “Thanks.”

  “Yeah.”

  Cole leaned back a little more. Nancy went back to her paperwork, occasionally glancing up to check on him. She didn’t know why she felt like she needed to check him. Maybe Janet was right. Maybe she did like him.

  No! Do not go there! Janet is also right that he’s hooked on smack, he’ll just use you.

  She didn’t think Cole would do that. Otherwise she’d be getting the vibe from him that she got from the other heroin patients they had. She looked at the clock.

  “Dr. Grey can see you now.”

  “Thanks, Nancy.”

  She felt pleasantly fuzzy when he said her name and shoved the feeling aside. She had no reason to feel this way. She went back to her papers, but she cou
ldn’t concentrate now. Oh, well. Those appointments never lasted very long.

  * * * *

  Cole’s back hurt. He’d dumped more of his dose down the drain this morning and he was feeling the effects. Not to mention the belt marks on his back were on fire. But he didn’t say anything to Nancy.

  “What’s wrong with your back?”

  “What?”

  “What’d you do?”

  “Nothing…it’s just withdrawals, that’s all.”

  She gave him a sympathetic look.

  “It’s hell, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, it can be.”

  “Try a hot bath. Or a very cold one if you get itchy.”

  “Thanks.”

  “They help. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

  “I’ll try it. Thank you.”

  “Sure.” There was a loose thread on his glove and he yanked it off. “Have you drawn anything else?”

  “Not much. How’s school?”

  “Ugh. Finals are coming.”

  “That sucks.”

  “No kidding.”

  She swallowed and leaned back in the chair, looking at the rain. Cole took a sip of his coffee. He was tired and sore, but happy. And somewhat hungry. He picked up the sandwich in front of him and wondered when he’d last been hungry. Stress and that shit made sure he didn’t eat much.

  “Cole?”

  He looked up.

  “Are you okay? You’re spacing out.”

  “Sorry. Just…I don’t know.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t look so well. Maybe you should go home and get in bed. I can drive you, if you want.”

  “M’okay. Really.”

  He was touched by her concern, but he didn’t want her anywhere near his house. What if Sean found out about her?

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  The rest of the afternoon was light conversation. Cole wondered if this counted as a date. He didn’t want to ask Nancy. By the end of the afternoon, he was tired and in need of a fix. Now.

  “I better go. It’s getting late.”

  “Are you okay to drive?”

  “I took the bus.”

  “You’re sure you don’t want me to drive you?”

  “I’m fine.” His voice came out a little harsher than he had intended and Nancy bit her lip.

  “Okay. Just go home and go to bed. You look awful.”

  “Thanks, Nancy.”

  “Sure. Do you…do you want to do this again next week?”

  “Sure.”

  Her smile made her eyes light up.

  “Okay. Great. See you Tuesday.”

  “Yeah. Tuesday.”

  He watched her disappear into the crowd before heading for the bus stop. He wanted to run after her and tell her what was happening at home, but he wanted his fix more. Besides, she wouldn’t believe him, or she’d say he deserved it. Just like everyone else.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  As the weeks went on, Tuesdays and Thursdays-and sometimes Mondays-were coffee days. Nancy liked them, even if Janet nagged her for them. Cole seemed to like them too, but every now and then he’d show up with a new bruise. She worried about him.

  “Cole,” she asked one afternoon, “who do you live with?”

  “My dad. Why?”

  “Do you two get along?”

  Understanding flashed across his face, followed by…fear? Was that what that was?

  “Yeah. We get along fine. I’m just a klutz. And the neighborhood we’re in isn’t that great, sometimes people get jumped.”

  She didn’t believe him.

  “Okay.”

  “Really. We get along fine, it’s just a bad neighborhood. And I trip on everything.”

  He was speaking too fast and Nancy realized he was doing what she did when someone asked her how she was doing. He was trying to convince her everything was normal. She changed the subject.

  “How’s it going with the withdrawals?”

  “Fine. You know, for withdrawals. You’re on break now, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is it fun?”

  “For the first few days it was fun. But now it’s boring.”

  He laughed but he was still tense. Maybe it was the withdrawal, but Nancy thought it had something to do with his dad. The few other times she’d brought him up Cole had clammed up for most of the day. She wasn’t going to push him about this, but she wondered all the same.

  She was starting to feel better. She was able to joke with the girls at the dentist’s office now, and Janet wasn’t quite so annoying.

  “I really like these days.” she said. Cole smiled a bit but didn’t look her in the face.

  “So do I, Nance.”

  She didn’t know where he’d gotten that nickname. She liked it, though.

  “How’re you feeling?”

  “I’m okay. The cold’s gone, at least.”

  “Good. Have you been getting any sleep?”

  “You don’t need to fuss over me. I’m fine.”

  “Still.”

  “I’m fine.”

  He didn’t look fine, but she didn’t push the subject.

  “Nance, are you feeling okay?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “You don’t look so good.”

  “Just some busy days, I’m okay.”

  “The clinic’s been busy?”

  “Not really. My other job is, though.”

  “Other job?”

  “Yeah. I work at a dentist’s office part-time. They’ve been packed lately.”

  “That’s good. Right?”

  “Right.”

  “You look really tired, though.”

  “I’m fine. Just insomnia, that’s all.”

  She couldn’t tell him the truth, that she was having nightmares about Dr. Grey. That would freak him out. Or push him away for good, and she didn’t want that. She would just have to get over it. Some way or another, she had messed up and paid the price. But that was over now, she needed to put it out of her head.

  Cole was chewing his lower lip. Nancy noticed he did that a lot, usually when he wanted to ask her something important.

  “Cole, are you okay?”

  He nodded.

  “Sorry. Spaced out.” She toyed with her necklace and waited. “Um…Nance? Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure. What is it?”

  “We’ve been doing this for a while, right?”

  “Yes.”

  Where is he going with this?

  “I’ve been…kind of wondering lately…um…”

  He swallowed and traced a pattern on the table. Nancy waited for him to continue. He didn’t speak for several minutes.

  “Cole?”

  “What are we, Nancy? Friends, or…um…forget it.”

  He’d brought up a good point. What exactly were they? She knew he had a crush on her-it was obvious-but she didn’t know what to say. If she was to believe Janet, she liked him back.

  Am I ready for this? Is this a bad idea? This is a bad idea, men are assholes, no exceptions.

  “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  He shrugged and continued tracing the flower on the table.

  “I don’t know.”

  She thought about it. Janet was probably right. But she really had no idea if she wanted to do this.

  I feel safer around him. she thought. A lot safer. And we’ve never even shaken hands. He’s not going to hurt me. But men…

  “Forget I said anything.”

  “Cole…”

  “Just forget it.”

  “No.”

  He looked up.

  “I don’t know either. I don’t want to drag you into something you don’t want to be in, but…” He took a drink of his coffee. “I like you. A lot. And I just wanted to know where we stand.”

  She nodded.

  “I don’t know, either. But I like you, too. A lot.”

  His smil
e made him look a lot more awake.

  If that’s the case, would you…I mean…willyoubemygirlfriend?”

  She thought about it. He’d asked her-that meant she could get out of it if she started feeling creeped out.

  Just do it. Worse comes to worse I get the vibe and get out.

  “Yes.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Cole couldn’t sleep at all. There were too many thoughts running through his head, but the main one was three words: she said yes.

  He was happy and worried about this. She’d come close, much too close, to guessing the truth about Sean, and sooner or later he’d have to tell her about him. But not right now. He’d just have to steer clear of his father, something that was easier said than done.

  About Sean…where was he? Cole had heard him come home a few hours ago, but he’d pretended to be asleep and Sean hadn’t made him come downstairs. He was grateful for that. His back hurt.

  “Cole? You up yet?”

  Damn.

  “Dad?” he called, trying to sound groggy. “When’d you get home?”

  “A few hours ago! Come down here!”

  Cole went downstairs. Sean was lounging on the couch with a pair of needles.

  “Dad?”

  “Come watch a movie with your old man.”

  He did not want to watch a movie, and he certainly didn’t want to be that close to his father. He went over to the couch anyway and accepted a needle. The rush felt good but didn’t last and he was left feeling pleasantly drowsy. He was vaguely aware of Sean’s snoring and a minute later his breathing slowed and he passed out.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Nancy took a cigarette outside and met Mary on the sidewalk.

  “Busy day.”

  “No shit.”

  Both laughed and Mary borrowed Nancy’s lighter.

  “Guess what.”

  “What?”

  “My boyfriend proposed!” Mary squealed.

  Nancy laughed and forced herself to give her friend a hug. She hated the feeling and quickly pulled back.

  “Forgot I’ve had a sore throat for a few days.”

  “You’re sick a lot.”

  “My neighbor has school-age twins, so everyone in my building is sick.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Tell me about it. So? When’s the wedding?”

  “We don’t know yet. Soon, I hope.”

  “Good. Are you making a fuss or just a little thing?”

  “I want a big one, but he doesn’t. We’ll probably meet halfway.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I don’t have my ring right now. We had to get it sized.”

  “What is it?”

  “A really big diamond!”

  “Don’t hurt anyone with it, okay?”

  Mary grinned and slumped back against the wall.

  “How’s Cole?”

  “Cole’s good. You know, for him.”

  She hadn’t told Mary much about Cole, only that he was very quiet and frequently sick.

  I’m not single. It’s kinda nice to not be single.

  She had fooled herself into thinking that it was good being single, but now that she wasn’t, she could see what she’d been missing. Little jokes, this constant happy feeling, and being unable to sleep out of happiness instead of fear.