“What did you think about?” I ask her.
“Hm?”
“When you were out here by yourself. I know you talked about it all in the book, how you’d felt like you were this tiny speck in a grand blanket of the universe and all… But what did you think about?”
“I mostly just felt lonely,” she admits, turning to look at me again. “I’d just lost my best friend in the world to some terrible thing no one knows how to fix. My relationships had been horrible. I was battling in and out of depression. Mostly I just came out here to find myself.”
“Did you?” I ask her. “Find yourself, I mean.”
“In some ways I did, sure.” Olivia says, reaching for my hand. She squeezes it gently in her own. “I figured out how to fend for myself. I learned how to not fear life so much. To have faith in the universe.”
“To trust in destiny,” I tease her and she smiles at me. Her head turns so she could look me in the eyes and I lean in and kiss her, softly.
14.
Olivia
I’ve lost track of time. My days blend together. But none of that matters out here. All that matters is now, in this moment. Being here. Alive. Existing.
.........................
Every time our lips meet it is like magic. I don’t think I’d ever get tired of kissing her. We sit there in the firelight, under the majestic night sky, softly pressing our mouths together and breathing each other in. Megan puts her hand against the side of my face and gently strokes my cheek.
“I have a surprise for you,” I whisper when our mouths break. “I probably should have given it to you earlier when it was lighter outside.” She watches me curiously as I rummage through the backpack I had brought with me. I pull out a small pile of papers and hand them to her. She fumbles through the pages for a moment before she realizes.
“Is this your book?”
“Only the first few pages,” I say, sitting back down beside her. She holds them up at an angle to get a good view. “Just look.”
Megan turns over the first page and holds it up. “Dedicated to the girl I kissed that night in the snow – I’ll love you, always.”
I wait quietly, listening to the crackle of the fire as I watch her hand run over the page. “Is it too much?” I finally ask.
Before I know it, she pushes me down onto the blanket and pulls herself on top of me. I could make out the contours of her face in the firelight as she brought our mouths together. We kiss, her lips tracing over mine.
“I love you,” she says to me when we part for a moment. I stare up at her, brushing her hair away from her face. It is reminiscent of the day we first met.
“I love you too,” I breathe.
Megan and I sat up only long enough to pull our clothing from our bodies. She lays down and strokes the side of my face with her fingertips and runs them down the length of my arms.
I cup her chin with my hand and run my thumb over the bottom of her face. Our lips come together again and we breathe through our noses. Our tongues dance around each other for a moment before Megan begins to move down the length of me.
She draws kisses all over my skin and I lay there trying to feel each one separately. Today there is something different about her. It doesn’t seem like she is as timid with every movement she makes. Instead her cautious ways were replaced with an air of confidence. The girl knew exactly what she wanted.
My body trembles as she makes her way in between my legs. I hold her head and lay back against the blanket closing my eyes. I just want to feel her. Megan works over me in fluid motions. I feel her fingers trace around me, into my skin. Between her rhythmic strokes and the heat of her breath down below, it doesn’t take long before I am overcome with pleasure. This time is calmer, like a gentle peaceful rocking that fills me with warmth.
Megan comes up to kiss me on the lips and I turned her over. Our bodies crash together again. I’m not sure where hers ends and mine begins. The trail of kisses I make over her has her in soft pants the closer I draw to her center. I mimic the soft motions she had made with me and soon enough she is gasping softly. Her hands reach down to hold my head into her until she’s through.
After we both clothe ourselves somewhat, Megan helps me extinguish the fire. The two of us crawl into the tent, snuggled up against each other. My hand reaches around her body and our fingers interlace as we both drift off to sleep.
We spend the morning taking another hike through the woods. As the afternoon hits we work together to pack up the tent and other belongings and head back towards my old Subaru. Megan sings along to the radio in an adorably off-key voice as we venture back and doesn’t make a peep about my driving.
The car is easy enough to unload. When we finish we share a glass of wine out on the balcony of my apartment. I feel Megan reach over and gently take my hand into hers.
“Olivia Ellis,” she says to me with her signature smile. I feel a chill run down my spine.
“Megan Riley?” I reply, smiling back.
“I have a question for you.” The way her face turns suddenly serious makes me worry.
“If you’re going to ask me to go on another trip with you, I need at least two weeks’ notice,” I joke, giving her a wink.
“Will you move in with me?” Megan asks, without missing a beat.
I nearly spit wine across the balcony and she laughs at me. When I recover, I turn towards her. “You are the most abrupt person I know.”
“Lawyer thing,” she reminds me, smiling.
“What about Claire?” I ask. My mind races thinking about what Lauren had said a few days prior. I still hadn’t found the right opportunity to tell her. I think for a moment to do it now, but her excitement of the idea deterred me.
“I was thinking we could get our own place.”
A place of our own. I rather liked the sound of that. There was only one thing I was worried about. “As long as we can have waffles for breakfast.”
“And coffee,” she smiles.
15.
Megan
I think all that fear really is, is this delusional reality we convince ourselves is truth.
.........................
When I get home, Claire is waiting for me on the couch. We meet eyes and I can tell something is up.
“Is everything okay?” I ask her when I sit down beside her.
“Michael has called the house all day looking for you. He said for you to call him back. It’s urgent.”
I study her face. Something is definitely off and it sends a wave of worry through me.
“I told him I was on vacation this weekend. Why on Earth is he calling?”
“Just call him back,” my sister says flatly.
I pull my phone from my purse and dial Michael’s cell. My sister sat quietly watching me.
“Hello? Michael?” I push the phone up against my face.
“Megan, I’m so glad you called me.” I don’t think I’d ever heard him in a cheerier mood. “I have some amazing news.”
When I hang up, my hands are shaking.
“You knew?” I asked her.
“He told me this afternoon the tenth time that he called,” Claire said, beaming at me.
“Partner! They want to make me partner, Claire! And in San Francisco of all places!”
“Don’t brag, you’re making me jealous.” The two of us can’t stop smiling at each other.
“I think this calls for some wine,” my sister says and I follow her into the kitchen. My whole body is still shaking.
“Are you going to call Olivia?” Claire asks me as she sets a glass down on the counter.
Oh God, Olivia. The world comes crashing back down around me.
“I just asked her to move in with me,” I say as I chug down a big swallow of the cabernet. “We were going to get an apartment together.”
“Way to clue a girl in,” Claire says, sitting next to me.
“I’m sorry if I got a little distracted.” It takes me one more swallow to finish
off the glass. Claire pours me another.
“It’s Olivia, I’m sure she’ll be over the moon. You two would be like two peas in a pod in sunny California. God, I’m so jealous.” Claire smiles at me and takes a sip of wine.
“You’re right,” I decide. “I’m sure she’s going to love the idea. It would be a whole new adventure for us.”
Claire smiles at me and I lean my head onto her shoulder.
.........................
The next day Olivia and I met for breakfast, which we never did on the weekdays because of my work schedule. The confused and questionable look on her face when she greets me is no surprise.
“What’s the occasion?” She asks me as she sits down.
“I just wanted to see you,” I smile at her. That was true, at least in part.
“Well good, I wanted to see you too.” Our hands meet at the center of the table and she squeezes mine softly. “I have something I want to tell you.”
“Me too.” We both look surprised at one another. The waiter comes and I order for us. When I tell him I want pancakes with my eggs and bacon, Olivia lifts a brow.
“This must be some big news,” she says.
I can’t hold it in any longer. “I made partner! David called me yesterday and they’re setting up a brand new practice in San Francisco and they want me to start in two weeks!”
Olivia looks completely stunned and at a loss for words. Before she has a chance to speak I finish my thought. “I want you to come with me, of course.”
We stare at each other for a long time, neither of us speaking. Finally Olivia breaks into a soft smile.
“What was your news?” I ask her, taking a sip of coffee.
“It’s nothing,” she says, looking down in her lap. Suddenly I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach. I nudge her with my foot under the table.
“Lauren told me a few days ago that she got an offer to teach at an art school in France for a year,” Olivia finally looks back up to me.
I nearly drop my mug. “Really? That’s amazing!”
Olivia doesn’t pause. “She wants me to go with her.”
“Well obviously you told her no, right?” I laughed. “That’s absolutely crazy.”
When Olivia doesn’t answer, I can hardly breathe.
There isn’t a meal in recent memory that had ever been as quiet as ours was after that. We share pleasantries while we eat our food but neither of us can look at the other. Even through Olivia’s protest, I paid our check. When we got outside and Olivia headed towards her car, something inside of me snapped.
“What the hell!” I yell at her as she walks away from me. “You’re just going to run away from me again, is that it?”
Olivia whips back around to face me. “And you expect me to just up my life and go with you to California?”
“I think that’s a hell of a lot better than just abandoning me to move to France with your lesbian roommate!”
“I wanted you to come with me!” Olivia says, her voice lowering. I notice people are staring nearby. The two of us quickly hop into her Subaru.
“You want me to come with you to France?” I repeat her once we’re inside.
“Of course I do,” she says. “Don’t you think it would be amazing?”
I let out a bit of a laugh. “You’re joking right?”
Olivia looks offended at my words and suddenly I feel terrible. I reach for her hand and she lets me take it. “I’m sorry. I just think you aren’t looking at the situation clearly. We can’t just move to France for a year. We’d have to work. There’s a thousand things to consider.”
“I can write in France,” Olivia argues.
“What am I supposed to do? Just give up my law career?” I stare at her. When she doesn’t answer, I start to feel slighted. “So basically what you’re saying is you want me to put my life on hold so you can go fulfill this adventure girl fantasy of yours?”
Olivia’s hand rips from mine. “It’s not some fantasy adventure girl—what the hell does that even mean?”
“It means I don’t appreciate you thinking of no one but yourself!” I snap at her, angrier than I meant to sound. She stares back at me, equally as upset.
“I’m starting to think that this is a mistake,” Olivia says finally as she wipes her teary eyes with the back of her hand.
“I’m not saying that it’s not an amazing idea, Olivia. It’s just we need to be realistic.”
“No,” Olivia stops me. “I’m starting to think that we’re a mistake.”
I can’t believe the words come from her mouth. My heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces.
“What?” I can barely speak.
“I need to go,” she says to me, fighting back the tears that are already streaming down her face.
“No, we’re going to talk through this.” My voice grows soft and somewhat shaky. “We can talk through this.”
“Megan,” Olivia sniffles, trying not to look at me. “Please just let me leave.”
The instant I got out of that car, I regretted it. But I let her go anyway.
16.
Olivia
I realized something recently. All my life I thought I was searching for ways to run away, when really all I was doing was chasing after the things I really wanted.
.........................
Every emotion imaginable flooded through me as I drove away from her. My entire being begged me to turn around. Told me I was making a mistake. That there were far worse things than giving up a stupid dream for love. I kept driving till I got back to the apartment, fighting back tears the entire way.
I hated myself for being stubborn. I hated Megan for not understanding my feelings. I hated Lauren for presenting the idea to me in the first place.
My phone buzzed all afternoon with calls and texts. When Lauren came home she looked genuinely concerned. “I’ve been trying to call you for the past hour.”
When I don’t answer, she comes to sit next to me.
“Can you explain why I have voicemails on my phone from your girlfriend in hysterics? Did you not tell her about France?”
“That’s exactly why she’s in hysterics,” I moan into the arm of the couch. “I just told her this morning.”
“I take it that didn’t go over well,” Lauren says, stroking my back.
“Not at all.”
We sit and talk for a while until Lauren finally convinces me to go to her. I make the drive across town to her tree-lined street and sit in my car trying to pump myself up before I work up the nerve to walk to the door.
When Claire answers I give her a solemn smile. She lets me inside and there at the top of the steps stands the prettiest girl in the universe.
They have a marvelous view overlooking part of downtown from their backyard. We sit on a bench swing together, staring out in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. She takes her hand in mine.
“You really need to go to Europe, don’t you?” Megan finally asks me. I give her a gentle smile and reach out to put a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“Not nearly as much as I know you need to go to California.” I reply. “I’ll go with you, anywhere you want to go.” My hands squeeze hers.
She looks out and away from me for a moment. “Olivia, you know that’s not going to make you happy.”
“You make me happy.”
“I’ve been thinking about it all day. I really think you should go.” I watch her wipe her eyes for a moment. “It’s only a year, right? We can make a year work. I can come visit you.”
“A long distance relationship? You know those never work out.”
“We’ll work out. It’s fate, remember?” She laughs as tears roll down her face. I lean into her to kiss them away.
“Please don’t make me break up with you just to get you to go,” Megan says to me finally, putting her hand on my cheek.
“It’ll only be a year,” I breathe, holding onto her hands. “Then I’ll come to C
alifornia.”
“Then you’ll come to California,” she whispers to me, smiling softly.
.........................
“Can you pass me the tape?” Lauren asks me. When I toss it, it flies over her head and out into the hall.
“Nice toss,” Megan giggles at me and I lean over to kiss her.
“Alright children, settle down. Let’s get these boxes done.” Lauren says as she moves out to grab the run-away roll. When she returns, Megan and I both are closing our boxes. My room looks barren and empty. As much as Megan’s had when the movers had come to pick up her stuff earlier that morning.
“I can’t believe this is actually happening.” Megan’s mood had been up and down all morning. I reached out to hold her hand in my own.
“You’re coming at the end of the month to visit right?” I do my best to smile at her.
“I’m so excited,” she says, trying to return the favor but failing miserably.
“Oh my God, don’t you two dare start crying on me,” Lauren says. “I’ll punch you both.”
Megan and I laugh and the three of us carry the last of the boxes down to the moving truck. We’d opted to put all of our major belongings in storage while we were gone for the year. It’s starting to get dark when we finish loading everything up.
“Do you think I can steal her for the evening?” Megan asks Lauren as we hop down from the truck. I raise an eyebrow curiously.
“Do whatever you want. I’m stuck with her for a whole year. I can use the break.” I roll my eyes at her when she looks my direction.
“I’d never get tired of seeing that face,” Megan says, and I reach to grab her hand in mine for a moment. When I go to hop in her SUV and she stops me.
“I kind of wanted to walk, is that okay?”
“As long as you don’t run out of breath on me,” I joke, and she nudges me in side with her elbow.
When I saw Redford’s Bookstore, I knew where we were going.
“I wanted our last night to be as special as our first,” she says when we reach the doors of the Peterson Inn.
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