by Dawn Brower
She laughed almost maniacally. It was highly unlikely she’d settle down any time soon. Angeline had too much restlessness rolling through her to do that. Perhaps eating a meal in the room was a bad idea after all. She needed to walk until she found a way to relax, or Lucian to maybe give her a sign he cared about her more than he let on. She didn’t trust passion or lack thereof...
Angeline paced back and forth in the room. There was nothing particularly interesting about her surroundings. The bed had a fine quilt on it in a kaleidoscope of colors and the walls were painted a plain ivory. A mahogany table had been placed in the corner flanked by two matching chairs. As far as rooms went—her wedding suite was intensely boring. Finally, she stopped in front of the window and slid back the red silk curtain so she could peer outside. The sun had set, and darkness filled the sky. The day was almost over, and when it had started, she’d never have thought it would end up being one she’d never forget. The door opened, and she glanced back as Lucian entered.
“Dinner will be up soon,” he said as the door clicked shut. “Now, are you ready to talk.”
“What would you like to discuss?” She’d hoped he had let it all go, but apparently, he was incapable of it.
He motioned toward the settee in the room. “Please sit.”
She didn’t want to but did as he suggested. Maybe she’d be able to calm down long enough to talk with him. Somehow, she doubted it though. “Are you joining me?”
“Of course,” he replied and sat next to her. He lifted her hand in his and kissed her palm. She’d already been a ball of pent up emotions and this small action sent her nearly over the edge. Her entire body consisted of a mass of sensations that she was having trouble containing. Angeline couldn’t possibly take any more. If even the barest whisper of a kiss or touch from Lucian graced her skin again she’d explode. “There are some things I need to discuss with you now. I figure we should before we take the next step. It’s important to me that we completely understand each other.”
He had to mean the marital relations.... Where he’d make love to her and possibly create children. The part she’d been thinking about nonstop since she’d entered the carriage taking them to the hotel. Her heart raced harder in her chest and she was on the verge of full panic. She didn’t know if she was ready for—that… She’d never been intimate with a man and while she wanted to make love with Lucian, it also terrified her. She’d never done well with the unexpected or unknown. “Oh?” She lifted a brow. “What?”
“Your activities with the suffragette group.” He rubbed his thumb lightly over her palm and then met her gaze. “I hope you realize you can’t continue to do it.”
Considering how much trouble she’d gotten into the one time she did become involved with them, Angeline didn’t exactly have any desire to attend another meeting. However, she also didn’t appreciate how he was dictating to her now. “That’s the one thing you wanted to discuss on our wedding day?” Angeline asked almost dumbstruck at his audacity.
“Yes,” he said cautiously. “I want to make sure you stay safe.”
Every bit of her anxiety left and was replaced with rage. She stood and paced again, trying to gain control of her anger, but it wasn’t leaving her. Angeline clenched her hands into fists at her side. “I think you need to go downstairs and see if you can acquire another room for the night. I don’t want to see you until it’s time to leave.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and took a fortifying breath. When he opened them again he said her name almost as if it were a plea, “Angel…”
“No,” she interrupted. “I thought it would be a good night. That we had finally reached a milestone of some sort. I honestly believed I could trust you and we might have a good marriage.” She clenched her teeth together, seething. “It’ll be easier to undo this mistake if we don’t do anything that will prevent an annulment. Leave.”
“We are married, and we’re staying that way.” The muscles in his cheek twitched. “I’ll let you acclimate yourself to the idea—for now, but make no mistake, at some point, we will take the next step.”
Lucian left her alone in the room. Angeline sat down on the settee and gave in to her misery. He was wrong. She would not take any more steps toward him. It had been foolish of her to believe they could have a future together. Instead of kissing and making love to her, he’d decided to lecture her on her past mistakes and the things she still believed in. She couldn’t completely give up on women’s rights because he demanded it of her. Surely he must understand that... She didn’t need a second father—she wanted Lucian to love her. If she couldn’t have that from him, then she didn’t want anything.
December 1, 1906
Lucian nearly stomped into his study in frustration. He’d been a married man for a fortnight, but he’d yet to make love to his lovely wife. She refused to let him into her bed, and he had no idea how to rectify the situation. He should have waited to talk to her about her reckless behavior. Now he had to wait for her to want him again, and it didn’t appear as if that would happen any time soon.
He went over to the bar and opened a decanter, then poured two fingers of brandy into a goblet. Lucian swallowed it down in one gulp then poured more. At this rate, he should start drinking straight from the decanter. Seemed like such a waste to take the time to pour it into the glass.
“Starting early today, I see,” Angeline said from the doorway. She leaned against the frame and glared at him. She had on an emerald gown with a bodice that emphasized her décolletage. She didn’t appear happy to see him but she still looked lovely to him. He wanted to hold her and maybe even beg forgiveness; however, his bitterness and anger held him in a tight grip, and she’d never allow him back into her life so easily. Angeline held a grudge harder than anyone he’d ever known. She pursed her lips together in disapproval and then stated, “We’re supposed to have dinner at my parent’s house tonight. Yours will be there too. Are you going to be able to stand up long enough to walk to the carriage or inside to the dining table?”
“I’ll be fine,” he said acerbically. “There’s no need for you to worry about me.” Whenever they talked, it always led to an argument. The cycle repeated over and over again. He had no idea how to break it, and sometimes he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to do so. Lucian was attracted to her fire, and when her anger came to the forefront, her eyes nearly glowed with it. “Did you need something, or did you come in to lecture me on my penchant for brandy.”
“No.” She shrugged. “But I thought I’d check to see if you wanted to bail on dinner. It might be better if you did. The more time they spend in our company the easier it will be for them to realize we don’t have the happiest of marriages. Unless you want to revisit the idea of an annulment.”
Why wouldn’t she let that go? “We’re married. I told you to get used to it.” And please let me into your bed… He was on the verge of begging. Lucian had made vows, and he intended to honor them. It would be so easy to seek out another woman to see to his needs, but Lucian wanted Angeline. No other woman would do for him.
“Suggesting the wisdom of it—again,” she reiterated. “We’re not a good match. When are you going to realize that?”
“You’re wrong,” he replied. His voice reverberated with the anger seething inside of him. “And stubborn as hell. One day you’ll realize we belong together. I’m willing to wait until then.” Maybe he should kiss her again. Really kiss her like he had on the train. She’d been so receptive to him then, and he missed that Angeline. The one who wanted him and moaned with desire.
“I concede I’m obstinate at times.” She strolled into the office and to his side, then snatched his goblet of brandy out of his hand. Angeline drank the contents and handed it back to him. “Not bad, but I’ve had better.”
His cock hardened. Everything about her called to him. He had to rein in control or he’d throw her over his shoulder, carry her upstairs and then seduce her properly. He couldn’t do that yet. She wouldn’t thank him for
it. Angeline had to want him as much as he did her; otherwise, it wouldn’t be special, and she’d regret it. Lucian would have to wait, and Angeline was worth taking his time. Even when everything inside of him screamed to make it happen faster…
“Would you like more?” He lifted a brow. He stood and glanced down at her. “Or perhaps you’d like a taste of something else.”
Her breathing hitched at their close contact. He could kiss her, and she wouldn’t fight him. All he would have to do is lean down and press his lips to hers, then let nature take its course. Maybe she’d even soften a little toward him. A kiss between them was magic, and he wasn’t so averse to using it to his advantage.
“I think I’ve had enough brandy.” Angeline took a step back. Probably to put some distance between them. “I’ll leave you to your drinking.”
“Don’t run away,” he said. He was at the point of begging. He wanted her near even when her presence made his guilt eat at him. He was a right arse and he couldn’t seem to stop the next bit of words from spilling out of his mouth. “We were starting to have fun.”
He couldn’t help taunting her. Lucian reached out and wrapped his hand around her wrist, holding her in place. She glanced up at him and boldly met his gaze. “Let me go.”
“That would be too impossible a task. You’re my wife.” He pulled her toward him and leaned down until his lips hovered above hers, but didn’t touch. His heart raced inside his chest. He wanted to kiss her more than anything. Angeline’s heart beat heavily, and her lips parted—anticipating his press of lips to hers. “We could have everything if you give in. Ask me to kiss you.”
“I can’t do that,” she said huskily. “It’ll make you think there’s something more between us than there is. I need you to let me go, now, and forever.”
He flinched internally at her demand. What the hell was wrong with him? Lucian released her and went back to the decanter of brandy. He didn’t have enough liquor to drown his desire, but he would certainly try. “Then go. I think I will need that excuse from dinner. Please give my apologies.”
He didn’t turn to watch her leave. Lucian had brandy to drink and sorrows to drown. He wasn’t ready to give up on Angeline yet, but he wouldn’t win today’s battle. He fully intended to come out the victor in the end. Angeline might be stubborn, but he was far more intractable than she could ever be. He hadn’t lost her yet. She still desired him, and he could use that to his advantage.
Chapter 12
December 23, 1906
Snowflakes fluttered from the night sky and floated to the ground, covering it in a white blanket. Stars painted the darkness overhead like tiny sparks of candlelight illuminating the snow as it fell. Angeline had always liked winter. It almost seemed magical. She would love to wrap that magic up and somehow turn it into happiness. No joy could be found now in her life, and she couldn’t see any way to find it.
“Lady Severn.” A maid came into the room. “I’ve finished packing your trunks. Is there anything else you require from me?”
“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “You’re free to retire for the evening. I don’t need any assistance preparing for bed.”
Truthfully, she didn’t think she’d be able to sleep anyway. They were leaving at dawn to travel to Huntly Castle for Christmastide. It was Lucian’s parents’s turn to host the holidays. They’d be there for the entire twelve days of Christmas—probably an entire fortnight. Their families didn’t have any clue how miserable Angeline and Lucian were. They all believed they’d eloped because of some grand love. She hated disappointing them. There was no romance between her and her husband.
“Very well,” her maid said with a quick curtsy. “I’ll be here at dawn to help you. I’ve already called for a footman to take your trunks downstairs.”
Angeline didn’t reply, but continued to stare out the window and the falling snow. If it kept coming down, it might delay the trip. What were the chances they’d have a blizzard and have to stay home? Then she wouldn’t have to explain to anyone how much miserable she was. She wanted to keep pretending it was all right, but maybe it was time to wake up and accept reality. She would have to find a way to convince Lucian to agree to an annulment. They both deserved to find some measure of happiness, and it didn’t look like they’d find it with each other.
“Wishing on a star?”
She glanced over her shoulder at Lucian. “I doubt it would help.” Though she might be willing to try if the opportunity presented itself. With the way things were unraveling between her and Lucian, she’d almost do anything to find a way to set things right. Perhaps she shouldn’t have taken offense to his dislike of her involvement with the Pankhursts. She didn’t want to do any more active participating with them anyway. Her short stay in a jail cell and being trampled on by everyone scurrying away had cured her of that particular desire. Did it really matter that he asked her to stop? She had only had one encounter with any of them since she’d been arrested. Though she had thought about it—the suffragette movement was a good cause and she did believe in it.
He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms. “You’re right to not put faith in make-believe and empty hope.” She flinched a little at his statement. Did he mean wishing on stars or her desire for women to have equal rights? Had he discerned her thoughts in some way? No… That was ridiculous. He couldn’t possibly have realized she’d been thinking about the suffragette group. Lucian glanced down almost as if he were unable to meet her gaze. “Some things can’t be saved.” He turned and stepped away from her chamber.
“Lucian, wait.” Angeline didn’t know why, but something was different. He didn’t appear angry anymore. His face had been devoid of emotion, but sadness had reverberated through his voice. She loved him and wanted to take his misery away. How could she do that when she was the root of it?
He glanced back at her. “Is there something you need?”
She needed one thing from him—his love, but she wouldn’t ask him for that. Maybe she shouldn’t have stopped him at all. Her heart hurt as much as his probably did and Lucian had never said he loved her. They had a serious communication problem. What if they loved each other, and they were both afraid to say it aloud. Could she be brave enough to take that step? “Did you stop by my room for anything in particular?” Perhaps she could encourage him to speak it aloud—if it was indeed true. Oh, how she wished it to be true… “Was there something you wanted to say to me?”
“No,” he shook his head. “Be ready to leave at dawn. I don’t want any delays.”
“I don’t believe you.” Angeline took a step toward him. “You wanted something. Now you’re afraid to ask for it.”
He cursed under his breath. She could make out a couple of the words, and they were quite colorful. He stalked forward and pulled her into his arms. “Angel,” he began. “You shouldn’t tempt me with things you’re not willing to give.”
“I have no idea what it is you want. You keep yourself at a distance and won’t let me in.” Angeline wanted him, but she also needed more than a few fleeting moments of passion. They were married, and if they had any chance of building a life together, they had to start working at fixing what they’d broken. They’d at least been—friends of a sort before their ill-fated marriage. Maybe they could start there and build upon it. “Kissing me senseless isn’t going to help.”
“But it won’t hurt either,” he replied huskily. “Kissing you is one of my greatest pleasures.”
It was the one pleasure they actually enjoyed, and those are far and few between. Even the good parts of their time together were a form of torture. Most days, she didn’t know which way to turn or if she’d chosen the correct path. She hated being uncertain. “Is that all you want from me?”
“A kiss?” He lifted a brow. “It’s a start, but love, I want so much more than that.”
She had doubts. Oh, so, many doubts. If she gave in to the desire spiraling between them, would it be enough? Would she have regrets or wo
uld they finally be on the right path to happiness? “You want me?”
“I do,” he agreed. “I want to strip you of all your clothing and kiss every inch of you, then I want to make love to you until you’re screaming my name. Then I’ll start all over again until we’re both so sated we can’t, no, don’t want to move.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was feather-light and almost sweet. The tenderness made her heart leap in anticipation and hope. She hated how she hoped. The side of him he was now showing her had been one she’d longed to see for so long. Now he was giving her a part of himself and she couldn’t find it in herself to trust it. How could she put her faith in a man who didn’t meet her even part way? They had no chance of a marriage or any sort of happiness the way things stood between them. Lucian’s hot breath caressed her ear as he leaned down to whisper, “Say the word and I’ll give you a night you won’t forget—ever.”
She couldn’t. No matter how much she wanted to. Not without love and a true understanding between them. “No,” Angeline said sadly. “At least not now.” Maybe one day she could give herself to him fully. She prayed that one day she would gladly throw herself into his arms and beg him to show her how much he loved her. Right now their joining would be without an emotional connection, and Angeline needed that for her to feel comfortable making love with him.
The muscles in his cheek twitched. “If that is your wish—so be it.” Bitterness was laced through each word he spoke. She hated that she may have hurt him with her decision, but it had to be this way. He spun on his heels and left her alone.
A tear fell from her cheek and she went back to the window and stared up at the night sky. A shooting star raced across the blackness. Maybe this was her chance. All she had to do was believe in magic and the power of a wish. She closed her eyes and silently asked for the one thing she wanted more than anything. Maybe she’d get a Christmas wish and she’d finally find the happiness she desperately needed.