The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

Again she sighed. If she were here to witness all the women, see their faces, their bodies, and he with them, then maybe she wouldn’t be able to.

  But since he came into her life, she had seen his sensitivity, the genuine affection and attentiveness this man possessed, and that stood for much more than anything else. ‘I’m not going to judge you, Sam. I don’t feel like that’s my place. Yes, I can see past that number.’ Then her eyes widened as a thought came to her. ‘Have you ever been unfaithful?’

  He shook his head hard. ‘Never.’ Absolutely no delay.

  ‘Good. And, I don’t know, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here, but would it bother you entering a long-term relationship?’

  And there was the lag.

  So this was the deeper issue. He was afraid of commitment. Her stomach jumped off that cliff again. A commitment-phobe was a huge problem.

  Ellie had never understood how people could string another person along in a relationship, eyes always on the possibility of another being a better fit.

  Her first ever serious boyfriend was Brandon. They got together in their final year of high school. Of course, Ellie fell deeply in love with him, as most eighteen-year-old girls do with their first boyfriends.

  He was athletic and tall and seriously sexy. She gave her virginity to him, her happiness, and two years of her life.

  Straight after school, Ellie had started a florist traineeship. Brandon was attending Melbourne University to study engineering. Any time he had early morning classes, they would catch the bus together because her work was on the same bus route.

  Every week, on the day after payday, they jumped off at an earlier bus stop so they could grab a drink. Her shout, because she was the only one earning money.

  But on this morning, a gorgeous girl with long black hair and big blue eyes was behind the counter. She was new. And of course Brandon looked. This girl wasn’t the first beauty Brandon had checked out.

  Ellie was not only confident enough about her appearance to be okay with that, but she knew she was a great girlfriend. She and Brandon were happy together.

  They stood in front of the counter. Brandon told the girl his order. Ellie was still deciding between a green tea or a chocolate frappe, determining at the last minute that she wanted a frappe, but her mouth was too far ahead of her brain and what she said came out as, ‘Frappe green chocolate.’

  The girl smiled a smug little smile and rolled her eyes conspiratorially at Brandon. ‘Pardon? You’ll have to be clearer.’

  Ellie’s first instinct was to laugh at her own faux pas because it was funny, but the eye roll and condescension caught her off guard.

  She gave Brandon a sideways glance as if to say, ‘Did you catch that look she gave me?’

  But what she saw was him shaking his head at the girl, rolling his own eyes. There was no humour. In fact, it reeked of impatience and ridicule for Ellie as if to say, ‘Sorry, but my girlfriend is a moron.’

  ‘Come on, Ellie. I’m sure—’ he looked at the girl’s name tag situated just above her big, perky breasts, ‘—Bella has got better things to do.’

  Bella gave Brandon a huge smile. Brandon gave one right back. Ellie’s cheeks turned bright red.

  Instead of having her back when someone was flat out rude to her, Brandon took sides with the enemy.

  And not only that, topped it off with a side order of flirting.

  And to make matters worse, the flirting was right there in front of Ellie as though she didn’t even exist.

  The betrayal that burned up her throat and swelled in her chest was huge. He was her boyfriend. He should be on her side. He should have her back when it counted. This was one of those moments that counted.

  That was when she realised Brandon was only in this relationship until someone better came along.

  Nothing hurt more than realising she was just someone good enough to get him through in the meantime.

  Ellie snapped back to the present moment when Sam said, ‘I’m ready for a committed relationship, Ellie. With you.’ His words were genuine, but the silence before he spoke was enough to expose the deeper truth.

  She pushed her tea away and stood. ‘You know, I don’t think this is going to work after all.’

  No way was she going to be strung along by Sam, no matter how many other boxes he ticked.

  His eyes widened. He marched quickly to her as she was getting ready to walk out and gripped her upper arms. Not rough, but enough to keep her put. ‘Ellie, I want to see what we are together. I want to see where this between us can lead. I want you.’

  She shook her head, trying desperately not to be mesmerised by the sincerity in his big brown eyes. Sincerity that beseeched her to trust him. She’d been fooled before by similar sentiments.

  ‘You said last night that you wanted baby steps and now you’re talking about a long-term relationship. What do you want?’ he asked.

  His forthrightness was like a slap in the face, it stung, but it also woke her up.

  Here she was again, dumping him into the past-arsehole-boyfriend category. She was walking out on him for baulking on the long-term commitment question when they had agreed only last night that they were simply trying to get to know each other.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said. She wanted to say, ‘it’s just that I can’t get hurt again’. She wanted to say, ‘I’m so damn scared to take this step with you, I want you to reassure me that your intentions are true.’

  But these were huge big arrows that pointed to all the baggage she had. All the baggage she had spent the last year boyfriendless in order to get rid of a few that were weighing her down.

  These were the secrets of her own heart, and she wasn’t ready to let him know her heart completely yet.

  So all she said was, ‘I’m getting ahead of myself.’

  This entire conversation reaffirmed why she had originally said baby steps. Not only so she could protect her heart until she knew this man was right for her, but so her mental and emotional state could slowly adjust to make this step without a complete freak-out.

  ‘Let me explain, Ellie. Please.’

  She nodded.

  He released her arms and gestured for her to sit. She sat back on the stool. He slid into the seat beside her.

  ‘I had a rough relationship when I was eighteen. We were together for three years while I was at university. She was incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive. I’ve struggled to bare myself completely since then. I’ve struggled to allow my emotions to run wild. As you can imagine that makes relationships very difficult. I’ve not had a relationship since that’s lasted for more than three or four months.’

  Ellie groaned. This explanation was not helping.

  ‘But, Ellie, since I’ve met you, I can see myself changing. I want more than a few months with you. The reason I hesitated earlier is because I can’t give you any guarantees. And I know that’s a big risk for you to take on. I am a risk, and I hate that fact. But that’s why I want everything out in the open, so you can always walk away if ever you need to. But not before we at least try. I won’t let you walk away without giving us a chance.’

  He reached out for her, cupping her jaw with his hands. She tried not to lean into his warm touch, but she couldn’t help it.

  ‘Ellie,’ he whispered, words naked and raw. ‘I’m going to do everything I can not to give you a reason to walk away from me. And I’m going to do everything I can to never intentionally hurt you. I promise.’

  She peered into his eyes, so full of truth and hope and pain, and it felt like she was unstitching right down the centre.

  He was tearing down her walls, ripping through her baggage and revealing her centre. Her centre that was once so capable of loving freely and willingly. He was reaching inside her, exposing that part of her again.

  From then on, no matter which way this went, good or bad, Ellie would be reassembled as a completely different person.

  All relationships bore a risk. Made little incisions that you
had to stitch back up again later. The question was: was he the one she wanted holding the knife?

  Ellie blew out a long breath and slowly nodded. ‘Then we’ll take a chance. Together.’

  Sam released a sigh. He peered into her eyes, searching, hands still cupping her jaw, then pressed his lips to hers, a gentle connection, but he lingered against her mouth for a long, glorious moment before pulling away.

  ‘I’m glad to hear that,’ he whispered.

  Chapter 18

  Sam’s stomach was a tangled mass of nerves, but he was glad he told Ellie the truth before she was invested in him. Though, if she felt anything like he did right now, she may already be.

  Sam released Ellie’s face from between his hands and stood back up tall. ‘I probably should get this lunch sorted. You hungry?’

  She nodded. ‘Very much.’

  ‘Now, I know it’s not the best weather for a barbeque. But it is the best cooking method. I’ve got old merlot vines that I use to heat the grill. The sweet, smoky flavours make the steak taste incredible.’

  Ellie pressed a hand to her stomach. ‘This is like gastronomic foreplay. You better not let me down with the main event.’

  He laughed. ‘Not possible. You’ll love it.’

  ‘I like a man who’s confident,’ she said with a flirtatious grin.

  He was grateful for the change in tone. The afternoon had taken a real nosedive there for a moment. When she had stood to leave, his heart had nearly broken his ribs.

  Until that moment, he hadn’t quite realised how much he wanted this, her.

  ‘Grab your tea and come on out the back with me. Don’t worry, it’s undercover. And I’ve got a big heat lamp.’

  ‘Should I get my jacket?’

  He shook his head. ‘You won’t need it.’

  He collected the steak and marrow from the fridge. Put them on a tray along with salt and pepper, utensils, a plate, and a bottle of olive oil.

  The further along in time from that difficult conversation, the calmer he was becoming. In fact, his body was buzzing with anticipation.

  The biggest hurdle had been successfully removed, now he could relax and enjoy her company.

  ‘What a great little space,’ Ellie said with a grin as she descended the stairs behind him, teacup in her hand. She wore jeans and a loose fitting pale blue jumper that clung to all the right areas. She was gorgeous.

  ‘Thanks.’ Sam switched on the big heat lamp and closed the wall of glass louvres. He lumped the tray down beside the brick barbeque. When lit, it would heat this place even more.

  ‘What can I do to help?’

  He shook his head and pointed to a chair. ‘I’m cooking for you today. You relax. All you have to do is keep me company.’

  She grinned as she shimmied onto the chair. ‘I like the sound of that.’

  He set about stacking the barbeque with the vine cuttings and lit a fire. It roared as big flames licked up inside the barbeque, already heating the grill plate.

  ‘I keep trying to avoid looking at your glasshouse. Such a stupid waste,’ Ellie said.

  He sighed, turned to face her. ‘I know. I haven’t been able to go inside it since I cleaned it up.’

  ‘You think you’ll want to re-fit it again at some stage?’

  He shook his head. ‘Not yet.’ The thought of starting again was too much. Fair enough if it were only a small section he had to replenish, but the entire glasshouse, all of his stock, made it too big to confront.

  She frowned. ‘That’s a shame. You have a real talent.’

  He shrugged. Talent or not, he couldn’t. Too soon. Then somehow, with Tamara’s death thrown on top, it all seemed to mesh together into a big melancholy knot that he couldn’t untangle. ‘Maybe one day. Just not yet.’

  She nodded. ‘Okay.’

  Sam oiled and seasoned the steak and checked that the grill was hot enough by splashing a little condensation onto the plate. It sizzled and spat.

  Ellie came to stand beside him. She grinned when he noticed her there. Without any effort, he smiled back. Was there a more beautiful sight than Ellie when she was happy?

  ‘I’m going to watch how you do this,’ she said.

  ‘You like to cook?’

  ‘Not one bit.’

  He laughed. ‘Luckily, I enjoy it.’

  He looked away, hiding his wonder at how easily he was including Ellie in his future. Sam scooped up the oiled steaks with his tongs and placed them on the hot plate. They sizzled upon contact ensuring him a tasty, caramelised crust would be forming.

  She breathed in deeply. ‘Smells amazing already.’

  ‘It sure does,’ he said with a grin and before he could stop himself, he wrapped an arm around her waist, leaned in and kissed her cheek. All he wanted to do was touch her, kiss her, be close to her.

  After a couple of minutes, he flipped the steaks, then scooped out the marrow from fresh halved bones and spooned equal shares on top.

  A long metal poker with a flat head had been roasting in the fire. ‘Okay, you may want to step back for this.’

  She nodded and stepped back a few paces while he grabbed out the poker and pressed it onto the fresh marrow. The marrow melted and the aroma that filled the air had him salivating.

  ‘Oh my god, I’m in food heaven,’ she said, eyes glued to the steaks.

  He branded the second steak before the poker lost heat.

  Within moments, he pulled the steaks off, being careful not let too much marrow escape as he gently bedded them on a clean plate, then covered them with foil to rest.

  He’d keep the fire going, so it was warm enough for them to eat out here together.

  ‘I’ll go grab the salad and cutlery. Make yourself comfortable,’ he said.

  Within moments, he was back outside with the salads he made earlier, a couple of plates, napkins, and the appropriate cutlery.

  Music played through the speakers. The view through the back louvres was of the wintery garden and the vineyards in the distance.

  A light snow fell as they ate the most incredible lunch together. They talked and laughed well into the afternoon until the sun began to sink behind the horizon.

  ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘I want to take you somewhere.’

  She arched a brow, a small grin on her lips. ‘Where?’

  ‘A surprise. I think you’ll like it.’

  Ellie reached for the dishes to clear them, but he placed a hand on top of hers. ‘I can do this later. If we don’t leave now, we’ll miss it.’

  Her smile broadened. ‘Now I’m intrigued.’

  Hand in hers, he led her back up through the house. Detouring by the kitchen, he grabbed out a little dessert he’d prepared already packaged in a carry box.

  She eyed the box in his hand. ‘The suspense is almost too much.’

  Sam laughed.

  They collected their jackets on the way out the front door to his car. He drove them a distance across the property along gravel roads not accessible to tourists—only Sam and his brothers and seasonal workers used them.

  A few moments later, he climbed a huge slope to the top of a hill that had one of the best views of the horizon. At the top, he positioned the car to face the mountains and parked.

  Ellie was already looking past the sloping vineyards, far off in the distance where snow-capped mountains were coated with bright brushstrokes of pink and purple and orange as the sun set behind them. The sky was brilliantly painted with fluorescent colour.

  ‘Oh my … this is absolutely stunning,’ she said, gaze never shifting from the scene. And his eyes never shifted from her face. She was more stunning than any sunset.

  He opened the box of white and milk chocolate truffles and held it out for her. She reached inside for a white chocolate one and popped it in her mouth.

  ‘I’m seriously in Heaven,’ she said groaning as she chewed. ‘Magical, Sam. This entire afternoon has been magical. But this—’ she gestured at the view spread out before them, framed by the wi
ndscreen, ‘—is … unreal. And these—’ She pointed to the box of truffles. ‘Oh my god, to die for.’

  Sam laughed, both warmed and entertained by her mouth tripping over her words. ‘I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.’

  They sat there, the engine still running so the heater warmed the air until the sun sank behind the mountains leaving the landscape in a dusky darkness.

  Ellie turned in her seat, shuffled closer to him.

  He flicked on the overhead light, so he could see her beautiful face. His gaze kept straying to her full lips that beckoned him to taste them over and over.

  She reached out for him, a hand sliding along the back of his neck. Tingles fanned across his flesh from her touch. Then with gentle pressure, she drew his face closer to hers.

  All he could hear was his breaths, her breaths, and the beating of his heart in his ears. Desire rocketed through him, arrowing to his core where his deep muscles tightened.

  Her lips met his, not soft nor gentle, but with fervour and heat and so much lust, it filled the air between them with a palpable sweetness.

  Her tongue slid against his; his against hers, tasting, exploring. The sensations that worked through his body, like sparks of electricity, never ceased as they deepened the kiss.

  She tasted like chocolate and smelled just as sweet. Her skin was so soft as his hand crept under her jumper and slid over her back. The flesh of her neck, as he pressed kisses to that tender place between her shoulder and ear, tasted of salt and flowers and everything he had ever desired.

  The way his muscles reacted to her roaming hands, little twitches and movements within his stomach, his back, his shoulders; it was as though this was the first woman’s hands to feel his body, really feel him.

  What was happening between them was right. And he wanted more. So much more.

  He could let go with Ellie, become undone, and right now it didn’t feel frightening at all. In his arms, her lips against his lips, she was a safe harbour.

  Heat burgeoned in his chest, tangling with his desire and the pleasure she was evoking within him. It felt a lot like lust, but perhaps it was something deeper.

  ‘Sam,’ she whispered breathlessly against his lips. But she didn’t say anything else, just kissed him more deeply. He didn’t need her to finish what she was going to say because, in that one word, he had heard everything he needed to hear.