The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

  Sam didn’t know what time it was when they were able to drag themselves apart from one another and head back to his place.

  He didn’t expect to see Mitch waiting for him on the front doorstep, mobile in his hand as though ready to call him. His features were etched with fury.

  Sam parked, climbed out into the freezing night air. Ellie followed.

  Mitch marched down the stairs, anger in the set of his jaw, but when he saw Ellie, he loosened up a little.

  ‘I didn’t realise you had company,’ Mitch said. ‘Hi, Ellie. How are you?’

  ‘Good thanks, Mitch. Um … I might head off and let you two talk.’

  ‘You don’t have to,’ Sam said at the same time as his brother.

  ‘This can wait, I guess,’ Mitch said.

  ‘Actually, Ellie, why don’t you just go inside for a few minutes? Make a cup of tea. I’ll be in soon.’

  She smiled and headed off.

  ‘What’s up? You look like you want to murder me,’ Sam said, absolutely no idea what was getting Mitch all riled up.

  Through gritted teeth, a shouted whisper, he said, ‘I just got a phone call from John.’

  ‘From In the Spirit?’

  ‘Yes, from In the Spirit,’ Mitch snapped impatiently.

  Sam tensed his jaw to control his growing temper. Perhaps it was their boyhood history, but his brother snapping like that ignited his own anger. ‘All right. For fuck’s sake. Just come out and tell me what’s happening.’

  ‘He’s torn up the contracts. The deal’s not going ahead.’

  ‘What? Why the hell would he pull out now?’

  Mitch stabbed a finger at Sam’s chest. ‘Because of you. Do you have to fuck everything that moves?’

  Sam shook his head, flicked Mitch’s hand away. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you touch me again like that, I’ll fucking deck you. I don’t care if you’re my brother or not.’

  ‘Don’t tempt me,’ Mitch barked, shaking now as rage stormed through him. His eyes were wild. ‘John told me you slept with Julia when you there last—’

  ‘What? That’s bullshit.’

  Mitch scoffed. ‘Oh, come off it. We all know what you’re like.’

  He shook his head. ‘This is all wrong. He’s lying. I did not touch her. She propositioned me, sure, but I turned her down.’

  Mitch squeezed his lips together as he exhaled noisily through his nose. ‘You expect me to believe that?’

  ‘Yes. I do. I expect you to believe me over John. I don’t get this. Why would he make up something like that?’

  Mitch shook his head. ‘I’m so fucking tired of this, Sam. So tired. We no longer have the biggest deal this vineyard has ever had going through because you can’t keep your cock in your pants.’

  ‘How many times do I have to say, I didn’t fuck her!’ He yelled it, so loud his words echoed around him in the silence. No doubt Ellie heard from inside. His stomach sank.

  ‘Whatever. I’m done,’ Mitch said, shouldering past Sam and marching to his ute. He climbed in and sped away, rocks and sticks and dust skirting behind him.

  Sam’s hands went to his head as he sucked in big gulps of air. He could not believe this was happening. He didn’t touch Julia. Why the hell would she say that he had? Were they looking for an out with the deal and this was the best they could come up with?

  ‘Fuuuuuuccckkkk!’ he roared.

  He hadn’t noticed that Ellie had come down the stairs until she was almost upon him, her footsteps crunching along the track. He spun to face her, noting her bag was slung over her shoulder and her keys were in her hand.

  She was leaving.

  ‘I’m sorry about this,’ he said quickly.

  She shook her head. ‘It’s time I head home anyway.’

  How much had she heard? This could not bode well for their relationship especially after his admission earlier.

  ‘Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry it’s ended like this.’

  She shrugged a shoulder, offered a polite but small smile. ‘I had a great time tonight, Sam. But I think you might have some personal stuff to deal with. Maybe you should concentrate on that. After, we’ll reassess where we stand with each other.’

  All the air in his lungs disappeared. This could not be happening. He wanted to explain to her, tell her he did not sleep with Julia. He didn’t touch her. But each time he tried to put words to his thoughts, it just sounded wrong.

  He ran a hand through his hair, then down his face. ‘Sure, Ellie. We’ll talk later.’ Sam waited for her to climb into her car and drive away before he headed back inside, slamming the door so hard the windows shook.

  What an absolute clusterfuck his life was at the moment. As though everything he’d ever done wrong was coming back to bite him fair on the arse.

  Chapter 19

  Ellie pushed her keys into the front door of In Bloom. The morning was the coldest she had ever felt, no hint of early morning sun through the thick spattering of black clouds.

  The road was covered in ice as she drove into town, so she didn’t dare accelerate above a crawl. Thankfully many other locals on the road did the same.

  As she flicked the lights on in her shop, her stomach roiled with a mixture of anxiety and a twisting, pulling weight.

  A small part of it was a slight dread she felt each time she came to work, wondering if the shop was still going to be in one piece. A small part was residual from the treacherous drive here. But mostly it was because of what happened yesterday with Sam.

  When had she become the type of girl who ran the moment there was a hint she might get her heart broken?

  Ellie sighed as she dropped her bag down in the back room. She knew the answer—this reaction was because of her ex. Anger burned in her veins and heart. The fact that he had remoulded her very being, replete with these defects, made her hate him even more.

  She inclined her face to the ceiling and drew in a few deep breaths, letting the negative thoughts go. She had learned how to do that after she broke up with Blair.

  For months after the break-up, all she did, day and night, was think and think and think about what he had done, what she had done, and was so tightly wound with regret and guilt and hate, she thought she would have a mental breakdown.

  A friend told her to learn how to meditate. Desperate, she did and was relieved when it offered some salvation.

  But she had been lackadaisical of late, especially because of how busy she had been since moving here. Perhaps it was time to start practising again.

  There wasn’t much she could do until her Monday morning delivery of flowers arrived, so Ellie sat down where she stood, crossed her legs and closed her eyes.

  Yes, she had run from Sam. Especially when she heard him scream at the top of his voice, so angrily, that he didn’t sleep with someone. Alarm bells went crazy in her head.

  But what was getting to her more, making her feel agitated, like she had to keep moving lest the heavy sensation in her chest grow, was that he didn’t try to explain.

  And he hadn’t called her after she got home.

  He hadn’t texted her this morning.

  Nothing.

  If he had explained to her why he was shouting at his brother about sleeping with some woman, she may have given him the benefit of the doubt.

  But he hadn’t—a big indicator that the explanation wasn’t something Ellie wanted to hear.

  Ellie shook her head the moment she caught herself thinking. Had she even started her meditation?

  Back to the breath. In. Out.

  Who could he possibly be sleeping with? And when? Had he slept with someone after the engagement party? Her body tightened with anger, her throat constricted with sadness. Surely not. He couldn’t be that much of a player, could he?

  You’re thinking again. Breath. Focus only on the breath.

  Ellie drew a noisier and bigger breath than normal, hoping that if it were louder, she might be able to pay more attention to it. Maybe i
f it were loud, she wouldn’t hear the thoughts.

  But she really really liked Sam. A lot. And the way he said to her that he wouldn’t hurt her or do anything to make her walk away from him was one of the most incredible things any man had ever said to her.

  Why won’t he just try to explain to me what happened?

  ‘What are you doing down there?’ came a man’s voice.

  Her eyes snapped open, her heart jolting from the fear of unexpected intrusion.

  Sam was standing in the doorway.

  He rushed towards her, concern pulling at his lips, filling his eyes. He crouched down and placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘Are you okay? Is everything all right?’

  She nodded, heat filling her cheeks, and tried to stand.

  ‘Don’t stand if you’re not ready,’ he said quickly.

  She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Sam, I’m fine. Really. I can stand.’ Then she lifted to her feet as gracefully as she could considering how close he was to her and how much her body was already reacting to his heat, his scent.

  He stood too, touched her arm, looking intently at her face like he was a doctor assessing her for symptoms. She giggled nervously. ‘Sam. I’m fine. I was meditating.’

  His hand went to his chest, and he sighed with relief. ‘Oh. Thank god. I thought you were having a … panic attack—’

  She laughed. ‘A panic attack? No. Not at all.’

  He took a step back, shoved his hands in his jeans pocket, his expression unreadable.

  Ellie straightened her jumper, smoothed her hair. Had it suddenly become incredibly tense in here? ‘Come on out to the main floor.’

  He followed her through to the showroom. ‘I won’t keep you long. I was going to give you some time, but I need to talk to you. To try and explain what happened last night.’

  Ellie’s next inhale was rushed—both anxious and relieved that he intended to explain. It appeased her to know the only reason he hadn’t yet was because he thought she wanted some breathing room.

  She saw the strain on his face and guilt swelled in her belly. Why did her neurosis give her permission to put him under this stress? ‘You don’t have to explain.’

  He shook his head, forehead furrowing. ‘Of course I do. I said I wanted everything out in the open with you.’

  She gestured he continue.

  ‘But, in this case, I think the more information I can give will make it easier for you to understand. And at the moment, I don’t understand what is happening, only that a business partner has spread a very serious lie about me that has jeopardised a major deal we were negotiating. I have no idea why the lie was said, but I’m heading to Melbourne now to get to the bottom of it. When I get back, hopefully, I’ll have more answers. And I’ll explain everything.’

  Ellie nodded slowly. Wow. This was more complicated than she assumed. Of course she had to accept and allow him the opportunity to know all the facts.

  ‘I just want to know one thing, Sam.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Will this hurt us?’

  He shook his head hard. ‘It doesn’t have to. But that will take you trusting me.’

  Ellie sighed a long breath. Trust? Trust wasn’t an easy mindset for her anymore. But if she weren’t willing to at least try, then this was going nowhere real fast.

  She peered into his brown eyes. But even with the obvious warmth and kindness that dwelled there, she couldn’t bring herself to say that she trusted him. Because after the way she stormed away from him last night, she obviously didn’t. Not yet. ‘Baby steps, Sam. I’ll get there eventually.’

  His chest deflated, but he nodded. ‘I get it. I need to earn your trust. And that’s fair enough.’

  ‘And I need to earn yours, yes?’

  He shook his head. ‘You’ve already done that.’ His smile was wry.

  Ellie’s cheeks heated.

  Why did she feel like a complete hypocrite right about now? Because she knew she hadn’t been completely upfront with him.

  She had a secret from her past that could well make him hate her, that he had every right to know about, yet she was withholding it from him, trying to bury it deep into the recesses of her brain.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  Ellie shook her head, smiled her brightest smile. ‘Thank you,’ she said, hoping to deflect his curiosity.

  ‘So, we’re okay for now?’

  ‘Yes. But I do want to know what you find out.’

  ‘Of course. I want to discuss it face to face, though, so there are no misunderstandings. I can call in and see you tomorrow after work?’

  She nodded. ‘Sure.’

  A loud engine revved outside. The delivery man was here with her week’s supply of flowers.

  ‘I better leave you to it,’ Sam said. ‘I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.’

  ‘Good luck,’ she said.

  He frowned. ‘I think I’m going to need it.’

  Sam left and, soon after, the delivery man rolled her boxes of flowers through on a trolley. Ellie had many orders this morning, which was bound to keep her busy and her mind off Sam. Hard work was better than any meditation sometimes.

  But, by the end of the afternoon, while she was tidying her store, her mind wandered back to Sam. Not so much about what he was doing, what lie he was uncovering, but more so about how she still felt guilty about keeping her secret from him.

  With a huff, she threw off her apron, shoved it into her bag, locked up the store and headed over to Amy’s, hoping to catch her before she left for the evening.

  Amy was cleaning the display cabinets when Ellie knocked on the front door. She waved when Amy looked up.

  Amy smiled and waved her in.

  ‘Hi,’ Ellie said. ‘Do you have a moment to talk?’

  Amy nodded. ‘Sure. Come out the back. You want a cuppa?’

  ‘Please.’

  Only small talk passed between them as Amy made them both a cup of tea, and they took a seat together at the counter.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Amy asked.

  Ellie sighed, the weight of this admission heavier than she anticipated. It amazed her how she could smother unwanted memories from view, ignoring them as best she could, yet the moment a minuscule fracture appeared, it was enough for everything to break open and hit her like it only happened last week.

  She rolled her head from side to side, relieving the tension there. ‘You remember the talk we had after I nearly hit the echidna?’

  Amy nodded.

  ‘I didn’t quite tell you everything.’

  Silence for a heartbeat. Two. ‘Oh?’

  Ellie wriggled in her chair, trying to find a comfier position, but there was no way she could sit that would ease the discomfort in her body. ‘Remember how I was saying I was attracted to bad boys?’

  ‘Yes.’

  She lowered her face to her hands and groaned. God, why was this so hard to admit to.

  When she sat back upright, she looked into Amy’s eyes, only able to hold contact for a short moment before turning away. Amy’s gaze intensified the ill feelings Ellie already held about herself.

  ‘I haven’t been so great myself. And Sam is doing his best to be absolutely truthful with me, and I’m doing my best to hide my past from him.’

  More silence. Longer than the last time. ‘I see.’ Amy’s voice was a little deeper and had a concerned edge to her tone.

  ‘I’m afraid if I tell him, he won’t want a relationship with me.’ She scrubbed a hand through her hair, rolled her head back until she was looking at the ceiling. ‘I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing things all out of proportion.’

  ‘Ellie?’

  She met Amy’s gaze.

  ‘I can’t help you or give you any advice unless you tell me what’s upsetting you.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘Right. Of course.’ She giggled nervously. ‘Sorry.’

  Amy waited patiently, sipping her tea.

  ‘My last boyfriend. Blair. He was—at least I thought he was—amazing. H
e was sexy and successful—a barrister. I met him at a bar, and he charmed the pants off me. Literally.’

  Amy smiled. ‘Experienced a little of that in my lifetime.’

  ‘I fell for him like I have never fallen for anyone before. I thought this guy was The One, my soulmate, the only man I’d ever truly loved.’

  Her throat felt sick saying that now because Blair was a narcissist who conquered, not loved.

  ‘I spent all day thinking about him and waiting to see him. And, when we did meet up, he was everything I had dreamed about during the day.’

  ‘Sounds amazing,’ Amy said.

  ‘It truly was. I was happy. I was contemplating my entire future with this man. I was ready to have his children. He was perfect.’

  ‘Oh-oh,’ Amy said. ‘You know what they say about something that’s perfect.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘Too good to be true. Which couldn’t be closer to the truth. Turns out Mr Perfect was married. He had two children. He owned an apartment in Melbourne, which he used when he worked late and didn’t want to drive the hour or so out to the country where his wife preferred to live.’

  ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘About six months into our relationship, I overheard him talking to her on the phone. And when I confronted him, he wasn’t even upset. He didn’t try to hide it. He didn’t even understand why I was in a complete frenzy about it.’

  ‘So he did this a lot?’

  Ellie drew a deep breath. ‘Yeah, I guess he did.’

  ‘But that’s hardly your fault that he lied to you and hid the fact he was married.’

  ‘I agree. But at that moment, I had the choice to end the relationship we had.’

  ‘And you didn’t?’

  Ellie shook her head.

  ‘I see,’ Amy said. ‘Yes, well that changes things.’

  ‘I thought I loved him too much. After the initial shock, I wasn’t even angry at him. I was angry at his wife. I felt indignant like she was the one preventing me from having the wonderful future I imagined. In my mind, she was this evil, ugly, desperate woman who was holding Blair back from being with his soulmate. How ridiculous is that? Like it was her fault her husband was having an affair. But it’s how I justified my decision to stay with him and still love him.’