The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘Do you want me to carry you?’ he asked.

  She looked up at him with a grin, only to see it was a completely genuine question. She laughed. ‘Are you serious?’

  In a flash, he gripped her under the knees, his other arm behind her back, and he carried her to the door. She giggled the entire way. He still held her as she unlocked the door, and he took her to the lounge where he carefully laid her on the couch.

  He was smiling and a little breathless.

  She laughed again. ‘You didn’t have to do that.’

  He shrugged. ‘Made it easier for you, didn’t it?’

  She had to admit, he was right. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Now do you want some paracetamol? A drink? A snack?’

  ‘Yes, yes and no.’

  ‘On to it,’ he said and marched towards the kitchen. She rested her head back against one of the couch pillows and tried not to think about how horribly the day had gone.

  Why was this person targeting her? Will they ever stop?

  She was going to have to organise yet another new window. Her insurance premiums would go through the roof after this. Maybe it was best to pay for the front window out of her own pocket?

  Sam came back with a glass of water and two paracetamols. She swallowed them down.

  He sat beside her and lifted her legs onto his lap. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Still a little shaky, but I’ll soon calm down.’

  ‘I rang my glazier friend while I was out buying the timber. She said she can drop in early Monday morning with a new window. She still has the measurements.’

  Relief eased the tension in her shoulders. One less thing to deal with. ‘Thanks. And thank you for all your help today. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here.’ Her voice was strangled by emotions that were sitting just below her skin, awaiting a weak moment. ‘If anything, today has really shown how alone I still am here. I don’t have anyone …’

  ‘You’ve got me, Ellie.’

  She shook her head as a warm tear rolled down her cheek. The hill she had been climbing these last few months rushed into view. Overwhelming. ‘I think I’m going to cut my losses and head back to Melbourne. Closer to family. And my friends. I can’t wait around here like a sitting duck. Someone in this town has it in for me, and I have no idea why.’

  Sam lifted her legs a little so he could turn more towards her. ‘You can’t leave, Ellie. All the hard work you’ve put in.’

  ‘I wanted a new start. But things aren’t working out. I thought coming here would be positive. But everything is falling apart.’

  Sam closed his eyes and sighed. ‘I can’t lose you, Ellie.’

  ‘You’re not losing me because you have to actually have something before you can lose it. You gave me up, remember?’

  Guilt sunk into his expression, darkened his eyes. ‘Look, you’re shaken up. Understandably. I wouldn’t be making any rash decisions right now. Give yourself some time to think this through. You can’t let this lunatic get the better of you.’

  She knew what he was saying was right, but her fight or flight instincts had kicked in, and flight was decidedly winning over fight.

  ‘Let me make you a cup of tea,’ he said, carefully moving her legs out the way and standing up. ‘What about a snack? Are you hungry?’

  ‘I’d love a cup of tea. But no food. I think if I ate anything right now, I’d vomit. But if you’re hungry, there are biscuits in the cupboard. Bread, Vegemite, if you want to make some toast.’

  He headed into the kitchen, and she closed her eyes. After everything that had happened, the emotions of the day, her bones were filled with weighted lead. Her eyes stung, eyelids heavy.

  Ellie woke to the sound of music. She opened her eyes. Sam was on the couch opposite, reaching for his phone. His gaze met hers before he stood and went into the kitchen to answer. Her mind was still groggy, eyes burning from the need for more sleep.

  ‘Hello, sweetheart. How are you going?’ Sam asked—a gentle and caring voice Ellie hadn’t heard him make before. She closed her eyes and listened to that deep melody.

  ‘Oh really? And the ducks are right outside Uncle Mitch’s? How many? Five ducks. I thought you might love ducks. Yes, I love ducks too. Do you know what else we get on the vineyard? Wombats. And echidnas. Yes, and bunnies. But we don’t want those. I’ll be home soon. I’m helping a friend who got hurt today. She’s okay. No, you haven’t met her before. Well, I’m not sure why. Her arm got cut by glass, and she had to get a bandage on it. I’m glad you’re having fun with Sophie. Can she say your name? Wow. She must really love you. Yes. I’ll come pick you up as soon as I get back. Bye bye, sweetheart.’

  Only when the tears rolled down her cheeks and onto her chin did she realise she was crying. Sam had formed a real bond with his daughter. And hearing Sam talk to her was heart-warming.

  It stirred something within her she’d not had access to before. Something deep and profound. She couldn’t label it but knew the taste of it: desire, need, and something much stronger.

  His footsteps sounded on the carpet. She wiped her eyes before opening them.

  ‘I’m sorry to wake you,’ he said and took a seat again.

  ‘It’s okay.’

  He noticed the tears and frowned. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. Again.’

  She shook her head. These tears had nothing to do with what happened today or the pain of the wounds, but everything to do with Sam. Because at this moment, she realised what that deeper emotion was: love. She loved him. And staying in this town and not being with him was the worst kind of torture.

  ‘I’m okay. Just being silly. How about you head home.’ She tried her best not to let the tears flow more, nor have them catch in her throat, but they did and wrapped around her words, deepening them, weakening them.

  He sat beside her on the couch, his hip pressing against her side. ‘Hey, hey,’ he said. ‘What’s the matter?’

  She pressed her forearm, the one without stitches, over her eyes and wiped the tears, but as she wiped, more tears came. ‘Nothing. Please, can you just go home?’

  ‘Ellie. I’m not going to leave you if you need me here.’

  What a hypocritical thing to say. Sure, he was here keeping her comfort out of some sense of obligation, but he wasn’t here in the way she needed him.

  Her mind was made up. She wasn’t going to give him more time. No matter the reasons. If he couldn’t open himself up to her now, then she didn’t know what had to change in order for him to do so. In the meantime, she was putting her life on hold for a man who didn’t want her. Again.

  ‘I don’t need you. I don’t want you here. This only makes it harder. You need to leave. Now. Please. Just go.’

  Why should she wait around for him to get his act together? What was the difference between waiting for Sam to work out what he wanted and waiting for Blair to leave his wife? Either way, Ellie was the one losing.

  He sighed, stared at her for a while longer, waiting for her to change her mind.

  But she wouldn’t. ‘Go, Sam.’

  He drew a deep breath in and nodded. ‘I’ll give you a call later to see how you are.’

  She shook her head. ‘I’d rather you didn’t. I’m just going to head to bed.’

  He sighed with resignation and stood. ‘Okay. If you need me, you have my number.’

  She nodded and didn’t look at him again as he left.

  Chapter 35

  Sam picked Olivia up on his way through and headed home. He had an afternoon ahead of unpacking and putting her bed together.

  Olivia was happy, talkative. In her room, she sorted through her teddies, stopping to play with them. She would pretend they were characters and would make them talk to each other.

  Perhaps he needed to take a step back and see the reality of this situation. He had spent the day away from her, and yet she was fine. She was more th
an fine.

  Meanwhile, he had fretted the entire time he was away as though his absence for a few hours would be devastating for Olivia’s state of mind.

  ‘You had a good time at Mitch’s?’ he asked as he climbed under the bedframe to screw the bolts up tightly.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘What do you feel like for dinner?’

  ‘Tacos,’ she said.

  ‘Tacos it is.’ He’d done the shopping yesterday afternoon so that when she arrived, the fridge and cupboards would be full of the food she liked to eat. But mainly, he shopped before she arrived, so he didn’t risk putting her through what he had last time they went to the grocery store together.

  By the time twilight fell on the property, he had finished setting up Olivia’s room. The rugs were laid out on the floor. Her cupboard and drawers were full of her clothes. Her teddies had pride of place on the shelves he set up on one wall.

  The room was very pink.

  ‘All done,’ he said to Olivia.

  Olivia ran to her bed, climbed on it, and jumped up and down, her skirt ballooning on the way down. Then she looked at him, her eyes wide, and she stopped. ‘Oops. I forgot.’

  He laughed and went to stand beside the bed, putting his arms out for her. She jumped into his arms, her little legs wrapping around his waist. He kissed her nose, not sure where that need for affection came from but knew that it felt right in this moment to express it.

  Olivia tucked her chin down and grinned bashfully.

  He smiled back at her. ‘You want to help me make dinner?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Good. Because after today, I’m tired, and I really would love some help.’

  ‘Lucky I’m here.’

  ‘Yes, very lucky you’re here.’

  Olivia fell asleep on the couch beside Sam, a little after seven o’clock, her head on his lap as he stroked her hair. When he was a young boy, he loved when his mum stroked his hair. It was still so bizarre that he was now doing the same for his own child. A child, two months ago, he didn’t even realise he had.

  He allowed her to sleep on him for a good while later as he flicked through the television channels. When her breaths were deep, he knew she was out to it, so used the moment to carefully carry her to her room.

  With one arm, he pulled back her blankets and slid her onto the bed, then pulled the covers up over her shoulders. He kissed her forehead and sighed. Today had been a huge day. For them both.

  He showered, grabbed a book and headed to bed himself.

  Like usual, when he climbed into bed, his thoughts went to Ellie. After today, he knew his time had run out.

  He had ignored the nervous anticipation that had crawled through his veins and nestled in the pit of his stomach ever since he left her house.

  Time was up; he was going to have to come clean. He was going to have to tell her that he wasn’t the man she thought he was. The man she needed him to be. If he didn’t, he would lose her. For good.

  He wished he had handled the situation differently those months ago.

  But he didn’t know back then that Olivia was going to adjust well to living with him, and that all his blood would pump and swell, blossom in his chest, now that she was in his life. It had only been eight weeks, but blood was blood, and Olivia had found a place in his heart.

  He didn’t know back then that he would finally work up the courage to ask for help. Real professional guidance that was helping him understand his condition and deal with it. Felicity had worked with him to make peace with what had happened to him all those years ago and understand how to recognise the residual emotions when they arose and gave him real life techniques for dealing with them.

  And he didn’t know back then that he would miss Ellie as ferociously as he did. That he would not be able to, no matter how much he had tried, stop wanting her in his life. That he would pine for her and grieve for the moments they had once shared.

  But the time was now for him to come clean. Then Ellie could decide for herself if she wanted to be involved with a man, who at times felt more like he was half of one—a little broken, vulnerable, struggling with aspects of life in ways others couldn’t begin to understand.

  He may already be too late. But the soul revealed wounds when it was safe; not anytime sooner than that. Unfortunately, it had taken a long time for Sam to feel safe.

  He had seen for himself today how Ellie pulled away, receded inside herself. The finality of it shook him to his core. It frightened him.

  But maybe it was the scare he needed. Because now that he stood in the face of the storm and saw how his life would be without Ellie in it, the option of losing her was harder than anything else.

  Harder than finally facing his past once and for all, bringing it to the surface, and showing it, with all its raw, painful energy, to the one woman he had only ever loved.

  His palm pressed against his chest with that last thought. His inhale was short, deep. Did he love Ellie? Was that how deep his emotions ran?

  He brought her face to mind, saw her smiling, heard her effortless laugh. His body tensed with remembered pleasure as he recalled lying over her, chest to chest as he kissed her, and pushed inside her. His chest expanded with heat, with love.

  Yes, he loved her. Without a doubt, he loved her.

  Now he had to do everything he could to prove it. And he had to hurry.

  Chapter 36

  Dear Ellie

  You’re invited to the Mathews Family Vineyard (aka, Sam’s house) on Saturday, 23 August for a tea party at 11 am.

  Special guests include Livvy Mathews (aka, Olivia Talbot), who wants to make it clear that she loves tea parties.

  The days frivolities will occur inside (with heating), so please dress in your ‘most beautiful’ tea party dress. Unicorn prints accepted. As are butterflies, flowers, princesses, and the colour pink (all shades).

  As you will be The Guest of Honour, you do not need to bring anything else but yourself.

  RSVP via text to Sam’s mobile with ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ (though the second option is really only a pretend option and will send said phone into meltdown).

  Love

  Sam and Livvy Mathews.

  Saturday morning, Ellie arrived at the vineyard a little late. Her appointment to get her stitches out had run overtime. As she pulled in out the front of Sam’s property, her stomach was knotted with nerves. She didn’t know if coming here today was the right thing to do.

  But she didn’t want to let Olivia down by not showing. She knew from her own childhood that the promise of a tea party was enormous in a little girl’s world, especially when dress-ups were assured.

  Ellie had worn her most colourful dress—a vintage number with a flared skirt, sweetheart neckline, and a bold cherry print. She paired it with shiny red shoes and a cardigan that matched her lipstick.

  At the front door, she drew a deep breath in, not knowing what to expect from today. Was this simply a sweet way for Sam to introduce her to his daughter, or did his intentions run much deeper? She couldn’t make sense of the emotions that stirred, a twisted melancholic anticipation when she thought of the latter.

  She knocked.

  A high-pitched squeal, ‘She’s here,’ sounded from inside.

  Ellie grinned.

  The door opened and Sam was on the other side. He was dressed in a perfectly cut blue suit. He wore a crisp, white tailored shirt underneath. No tie. Her gaze unabashedly ran up the length of his body, from his brown leather shoes up to his short, styled beard.

  ‘Good morning,’ he said with a grin that made her legs go weak.

  In contrast to his thick, dark beard, his eyes were a lighter shade of brown, and they stole all of her attention. ‘Hi,’ she finally managed.

  ‘Thanks for joining us. Come in.’

  Ellie looked around for Olivia when she stepped inside, but she wasn’t to be seen. The place had certainly had some changes. A doll’s house sat in the corner of the living room, along with a scooter
, a soccer ball and a toy box overflowing with Barbie dolls and stuffed toys.

  It was like stepping into a parallel universe, so far removed from the bachelor pad this place used to be. It dawned on her then how dramatically Sam’s life had changed.

  When she met his eyes again, he had a glazed look. ‘You look stunning.’

  She smiled, pulled her skirt out and curtseyed. ‘Thank you. You look fantastic too.’ Sexy was the word that had actually come to mind, but now wasn’t the time or place to say that, not when his daughter was nearby.

  ‘Come on down the back,’ he said. ‘Someone is waiting to meet you.’

  Ellie’s heart stuttered. Why was she so nervous about this?

  She followed Sam down the back steps to the pergola. The louvres were closed, the heat lamps on. Balloons and crepe paper streamers had been hung across the ceiling. Hand drawn pictures of flowers were hung on the brick walls.

  Olivia was waiting on a chair, ankles crossed, legs swinging beneath her. She stood when Ellie met her gaze—big brown eyes just like her dad’s. The breath was stolen from Ellie’s lungs. She was beautiful. Long brown hair hanging around her shoulders. A big grin.

  Oliva came closer. She was wearing a bright pink ballerina skirt, ballerina slippers and white shirt. On her back, she wore butterfly wings.

  Sam put his hand on Olivia’s back. ‘Ellie, I would like to introduce you to my daughter, Livvy.’

  Ellie smiled and nodded. ‘Hello, Livvy, it’s lovely to meet you. I love your wings.’

  A bashful smile spread over Livvy’s face. ‘Are you a princess?’

  ‘Not quite,’ Ellie said with a laugh.

  ‘You look like a princess,’ she said.

  Blush found Ellie’s cheeks. ‘Thank you.’

  She reached for Ellie’s hand and led her to a seat. ‘There you go. This one is your seat.’

  Ellie threw an amused glance at Sam. Sam was smiling with both pride and happiness. Once seated, Livvy took the seat beside her and Sam sat on the other side.

  ‘I love tea parties,’ Livvy said.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Dad said that because today is special we could buy a beautiful new tea set …’ she trailed off and looked up at Sam. Her face was pensive and a little nervous. Her eyes were wide.