The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

  Her breaths came shorter, her chest warmed to see his gorgeous brown eyes. How could he look even better than when she had seen him last? His strong jaw. His long nose. The chiselled cheekbones. The neat, dark, three day-stubble.

  ‘Oh, you have visitors. I didn’t realise.’

  ‘We all know each other,’ Amy said impatiently. ‘You don’t need to get all weird about it. Don’t stand out there in the bloody cold. Come in.’

  He wiped his feet on a mat and came inside. He was wearing jeans and a thick navy blue bomber jacket. ‘Hi, Ellie.’

  ‘Hi,’ she managed after she forced her mouth to speak.

  ‘It’s good to see you again.’

  She smirked. ‘I’m sure that’s not true.’

  His eyes widened; he frowned. ‘I can see how you might think that.’

  ‘I’ll leave you two to it while I box up some cupcakes.’

  Sam looked at his watch. ‘I’m in a bit of a rush,’ he called after her.

  Amy giggled. ‘Yeah, right.’ And disappeared around the corner.

  Had it suddenly gotten hot in here? Ellie pulled at her jumper, trying to cool herself down.

  ‘How’s the shop going?’ he asked as though they were acquaintances rather than two people who had once felt deep emotions for each other.

  Ellie stood, frustration burning through her. ‘Yeah, I can’t do this, Sam. I’m not going to pretend you don’t still mean anything to me. It might be easy for you, but it’s not for me.’

  She grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder and started for the door. ‘Thanks for the talk, Amy. I’ll see you later.’ And she strode out of the shop.

  A few paces down the footpath and Sam's deep voice sounded behind her. ‘Ellie, wait, please!’

  She stopped, drew a deep breath, and turned to face him. He was standing at the door of the shop. He wasn’t as upright as usual. His shoulders were rounded. And his eyes exuded a melancholy that stirred her sympathy.

  He jogged to her until they were standing close, facing each other. ‘I still mean something to you?’

  She wasn’t going to lie. What would be the good of that? ‘Of course. I can’t just turn my emotions off because you no longer feel the same.’

  He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. When he looked at her again, he sighed. ‘Ellie, I feel as strongly for you now as I ever have. I miss you so much, you couldn’t even imagine.’

  She arched a sarcastic brow. ‘I think I’ve got a pretty good idea.’

  ‘I’m working through some … stuff. Can you give me some time?’

  ‘Time?’ she repeated with a shriek. ‘Sam, you don’t need time. You just need to open up. You need to let me in. That’s the problem. It’s got nothing to do with time.’

  ‘Don’t you see? I need time to be able to do those things. But, I promise you, I’m trying. I’m working on it. But, it’s not easy. Not for me, anyway.’

  She stilled. What exactly did he mean? Was this about his daughter? Or was this about something more? This was so frustrating. She always seemed to have half of the story.

  He took a step closer, reached for her face. She flinched, but he didn’t stop, kept moving until his hand held her head softly. ‘Ellie,’ he whispered, almost a desperate groan. ‘Remember when I said I wouldn’t hurt you if I could help it?’

  She nodded. ‘Didn’t quite keep that promise, did you?’

  He flinched as though she’d slapped him. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. Sometimes, I can’t … Sometimes …’ he trailed off. ‘Let me make this better, Ellie. Please.’

  She shook her head, looking from one eye to the next, reading nothing but hurt and sincerity in those dark irises. ‘I can’t give an answer when I don’t understand what’s happening.’

  ‘Seeing you now … You’ve reminded me how much I feel for you. I know I’ve gone about this the wrong way. I know I’ve hurt you. But all I can ask of you is to trust me. I’ll make this better. I’m trying to fix things.’

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘I don’t understand, Sam. How are you trying to fix this?’

  ‘Trust me.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can. You left me, Sam. Remember that. The first moment life got a little hard, you ran. You haven’t tried to contact me. You haven’t even spoken to me for a month. I’ve not met your daughter, and I would really really love to meet her.’ She hated that her voice cracked on that last one. But it was true; it broke her heart that he hadn’t allowed her to meet Olivia.

  His hand dropped away from her face. He lowered his head and sighed. ‘I know. I know. You don’t know how sorry I am.’

  She wanted to say, you should be sorry. You should be very sorry. But she wasn’t in high school. She was supposed to be an adult. But her ego wanted to hurt him and throw it back in his face, so he knew how it felt.

  ‘I’m sorry, Ellie. I will make this right.’

  ‘I’m afraid you’re too late,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure there’s any coming back from this.’

  A look came over him then that she couldn’t decipher. It was a fierce determination that burned in his eyes. Before she knew what he was doing, he pushed his body against hers, held her face between tender hands, and pressed his lips to hers.

  Ellie wanted to pull away, but the scent of him ignited her memories of all the times they had kissed and all the times they had made love and all the times he touched her. The warmth of his lips made her dizzy.

  Too soon, he pulled away, and it took her a moment to catch her breath.

  ‘Do you still feel that, Ellie?’

  She had felt it—so intense. A connection so deep and as powerful as it ever had been. ‘Yes,’ she whispered.

  ‘Then there’s still hope.’ He turned from her and walked back up to the shop, leaving her alone on the footpath wondering what the hell had just happened.

  Chapter 33

  The back of the truck was filled with Olivia’s things: a little timber homework desk and chair, a single bed with a four poster frame that had long pink muslin rushing down each side, and suitcases filled with clothes and shoes and stuffed toys and rugs.

  All decidedly girly. Something his home hadn’t borne witness to.

  ‘We’re home,’ he said, looking into the back seat. Oliva turned to meet his gaze and smiled.

  Sam’s stomach had been knotted the entire trip back to the vineyard. Because unlike all the previous trips to Melbourne to collect Olivia, this time he wouldn’t be taking her back. Today marked the day Olivia was officially moving in with him. The first day of school holidays.

  Fenella and Dean had done their best to stay strong, but as they were saying their last goodbyes to Olivia, hugging and kissing her, the tears flowed.

  Just how tough this decision was for all of them was put under a magnifying glass at that moment.

  Olivia seemed to cope better than the adults. Perhaps because she wasn’t emotionally experienced enough to understand the magnitude of what was happening. Or perhaps she was strong. Or perhaps she had already gone through so much that this was just one more event in her stride.

  But deep down, Sam hoped that she was coping because she had come to see the vineyard was her home and him as a caring, stable, trustworthy figure.

  He helped her out and she ran directly out the back to the glasshouse. ‘I’m checking how the flowers are going.’

  Sam smiled and set about carrying her gear into the house.

  When Olivia met him inside, tramping grit along the floors in the shape of her boots, she was beaming. ‘They’re purple.’

  He laughed. ‘Fancy that. Your favourite colour.’

  She nodded. ‘Do you want me to go water them?’

  ‘Sure. I think they could use a water. Just a light one though.’

  ‘I know. I know. The small holed watering can. And hold it up from a height.’

  He laughed again, and she ran back down the back stairs, door clanging closed behind her.

  His phone buzzed in his hand
. Mitch.

  ‘Yeah, mate.’

  ‘How’d you go? Are you back yet?’ Mitch asked.

  ‘Yeah, we just got in now.’

  ‘And everything is all right in the glasshouse?’

  Sam’s heart thumped like a bass against his ribs. Blood rushed from his face. ‘Why?’

  ‘Someone tripped the sensor at the gate after you left. Doesn’t look like anyone came in, but I’m just making sure everything is okay.’

  Sam was already running down the back steps. He pushed out the door and yelled, ‘Livvy! Livvy! Come here.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ came Mitch’s voice through the phone.

  Sam shoved the door of the glasshouse, eyes darting around for anything unusual. It all seemed as it should.

  Livvy was still at the bench, standing on the stool, watering the plants. ‘What’s the matter?’

  He rushed to her and picked her up in his arms, cradling her head to his chest. ‘Oh thank god.’ He took a second for his heart to slow and to take a breath.

  Livvy pulled herself upright and looked into his face. ‘What’s the matter?’

  He shook his head. ‘Nothing. I … I was worried another rabbit had got in. I don’t want these flowers getting eaten like the others.’

  ‘I didn’t see a bunny,’ she said.

  ‘Good.’

  He’d forgotten about Mitch. He put Livvy down and took her hand, not letting her go until he had checked out the entire place.

  He brought the mobile to his ear. ‘The glasshouse is fine.’

  ‘You bloody scared me. I’m in the car ready to race up there.’

  ‘Everything’s fine. I just scared myself. Livvy ran out to the glasshouse on her own. I worried …’

  Mitch laughed. ‘Oh, mate. Welcome to fatherhood.’

  Sam managed a grin too, then a chuckle as the fear subsided and he could see his reaction as a little over the top. ‘It’s going to be a long road.’

  Mitch laughed again. ‘Tell me about it. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.’

  Sam peered down at his daughter, meeting her brown eyes and cold-flushed cheeks. ‘No, me neither.’ He led Livvy out of the glasshouse and started back inside, not before taking a glance around for anything out of the ordinary. But it appeared as he left it.

  ‘So someone tripped the sensor?’

  ‘Yeah, mate. It was probably nothing, but I’m going to send the tapes to Rogerfor him to have a look. Just in case there might be some evidence for the last break-in.’

  Sam stilled on the back steps. ‘Ellie?’

  ‘Yeah, I was wondering about her shop too.’

  ‘I better check up on her. Just in case. Do you mind if I drop Livvy in with you for an hour?’

  ‘No, that’s fine. I’ve got nothing on. Just me and Sophie hanging out together.’

  ‘But I want to go with you,’ Livvy said, tugging on his hand.

  He crouched down so he was at eye level. ‘I know, sweetheart, but it’s probably best if I do this on my own. I’ll be an hour. And Mitch said Sophie is really excited to see you.’

  Her eyes brightened at the mention of Sophie. ‘Yes. Okay. I’ll go to Uncle Mitch’s.’

  He kissed her cheek.

  With the phone to his mouth again, he said, ‘I’ll see you in five.’

  Sam tried to ring Ellie twice on the way into town. He wasn’t sure if she would be at the shop today or not. But he thought it best if he drove past to make sure everything was okay.

  He was wound up tight, but more in a rational sense, as though this tension was a typical response to the situation rather than a crazed reaction like he may have had a couple of months ago.

  It eased his mind to realise that this intensive counselling and medication might actually be helping. It gave him hope.

  Sam could see In Bloom up ahead in the distance, but he was caught at the one set of traffic lights the town had at the top of the hill. He just wanted to get there, to make sure everything was okay.

  The light turned green and he drove on, then slowed as he came closer to In Bloom. And that’s when he saw it. The front window had been smashed in. And a police car was parked in the drive.

  ‘Shit,’ he said, thumping the steering wheel. He quickly pulled in across the street, jumped out and jogged over to the store.

  An ambulance came soaring down the road as he made it to the other side. He silently prayed that it didn’t stop, that it kept on going. But it didn’t. It pulled in beside the police car.

  Sam sprinted now to the front door and rushed inside.

  Roger was inside. Ellie was sitting on a chair holding a bloody bandage to her arm. He sighed when he met her gaze. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were red and puffy, but she otherwise looked okay.

  ‘Ellie,’ he said.

  Tears sprang to her eyes.

  ‘Just step right around this, Sam,’ Roger said, pointing a clear path out on the floor.

  Sam stopped, noticing the glass on the floor and the big Bessa block sitting amongst it all. The rest of the shop seemed in order.

  He went to Ellie, looking more closely at her arm, blood seeping into the bandage. Her legs had little cuts. Bits of blood were on her cheek. She must have been in the firing line.

  The paramedics came in behind him and they took over, treating Ellie.

  ‘Someone tripped our sensor at the front gate this morning,’ he said to Roger after pulling him to the side. ‘I’ve got the tapes in my car if you want to take a look. It has to be related.’

  ‘I’ll definitely take a look.’

  ‘When did this happen?’

  ‘About fifteen minutes ago. So there’s no damage at your place?’ Roger asked.

  Sam shook his head. ‘Thank god.’ Sam raced out to his ute and grabbed the tapes. As he was making his way back, the paramedics were helping Ellie into the back of the ambulance.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asked.

  ‘I need stitches in my arm,’ she said.

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  She nodded. Her face was drained of all colour. Tears still welled in her eyes.

  He took the tapes in to Roger, then rushed back out to the ambulance and climbed in, sitting on a seat beside the stretcher Ellie was lying on. The paramedic was wiping at her smaller wounds with alcoholic wipes.

  Sam took her hand. ‘It will be okay.’ He didn’t know what else to say.

  She nodded, but more tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘I was right there at the front when the block came flying through the window. It could have hit me.’

  ‘Shhhh,’ he said, wiping the hair from her brow. ‘It didn’t.’

  She sobbed then and looked away from him. ‘Who keeps doing this to me? I don’t understand.’

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t know. Did you see anything?’

  She turned and looked at him again. Her bottom lip was trembling. ‘An old blue ute. But that was it.’

  ‘No number plate?’

  She shook her head. ‘I was trying to duck for cover … I didn’t get a chance …’ she broke off again crying.

  ‘It’s okay. I may have got some evidence on tape. I really hope we get the fucker this time.’

  ‘Me too because I’m not sure I can take anymore.’

  His heart raced in his chest. He swallowed hard. He could already feel her slipping away from him, and he’d done nothing to stop it from happening.

  After seven stitches in Ellie’s arm, another couple in her calf, and one more in her shin, they were allowed to go home.

  Roger gave them a lift back to the shop, where he questioned Ellie a little more while Sam headed to the hardware shop for some timber planks to secure the window. He rang Mitch on the way to let him know what happened.

  ‘I just need to nail some planks to secure the window. Then I better take Ellie home. Make her a cup of tea. Is Olivia okay there for a little longer?’

  ‘Yeah, mate. Olivia is fine. We’re watching Frozen.’


  Sam smiled. ‘I swear I’ve seen that movie fifteen times already.’

  ‘Is that all?’ Mitch asked with a laugh.

  Sam’s stomach tugged with emotion. He hated that he wasn’t there with his daughter on such a big day, but Ellie needed him too. He was torn between the two of them. ‘I feel guilty for leaving her there with you. But if I leave Ellie, I’d feel guilty about that too.’

  Mitch laughed, which Sam hadn’t anticipated. He couldn’t see one funny thing about what he had admitted.

  ‘The joys of parenthood. Get used to it. From here on out, your entire life will be a guilt-stricken balancing act.’

  ‘Don’t tell me that,’ Sam said.

  Mitch laughed again even louder. ‘Oh, mate, if I didn’t tell you, you’d find out soon enough anyway. Look, you’re doing the right thing. Ellie has just had some lunatic throw a brick through her window. She does need you. Olivia is perfectly happy here with us. Take your time.’

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Positive.’

  ‘Keep that front gate locked,’ Sam said.

  ‘Already done.’

  Chapter 34

  ‘Would you feel safer coming back to my place?’ Sam asked as they climbed into his ute.

  Yes, she would feel safer. ‘I don’t want to frighten Olivia.’

  ‘She’s with Mitch. It will just be me and you.’

  She shook her head. ‘But then you’d have to drive me back home. No, it’s easier to go home.’

  ‘I’ll stay with you. As long as you need.’

  All night? She wanted to ask. But she knew he had real obligations at home. Obligations that did take priority over her, regardless of what happened today.

  He started the engine, pushed the gear stick into first. ‘Are you sure?’

  She rested her head back against the seat and looked out the window. ‘Yes.’

  He’d made it clear that Ellie and Olivia’s world wouldn’t meet. She still didn’t understand why. It hurt deeply every day that passed that Sam wasn’t in her life.

  They arrived outside her house. Sam jumped out, jogged around to her side and helped her out. The local anaesthetic was starting to wear off and each step was tender.