Heartsong

by TJ Klune

  (because even behind the wards)

  (even beyond the layers upon layers of magic)

  (i see you)

  (and i’ll never let you go)

  (i only want what belongs to me)

  (and i won’t stop until i have it)

  I screamed as a lance of pain burst through my head, obliterating all rational thought. I tore my hand from Kelly’s as he said my name again and again, voice rising in alarm. Lightning flashed and thunder rippled through the clouds as the rain fell harder.

  I pushed myself away from Kelly, trying to get as far from him as I could. My claws popped and my fangs burst through my gums, and the moon, the moon was hidden behind the clouds, but I could still feel it. I turned over onto my hands and knees, digging my fingers into the earth, grass and dirt bunching up against my palms.

  In front of me came an angry growl.

  I lifted my head.

  Omegas.

  We were surrounded by Omega wolves, their black lips pulled back in quivering snarls, their fangs glinting in cracks of lightning. Their violet eyes burned brighter than any sun.

  The muscles underneath my skin rippled as I half-shifted, unable to ignore the threat.

  There were six of them.

  Kelly screamed for Ox, screamed for Joe, but the biggest of the Omegas, a white-and-tan wolf, launched itself at me.

  I knew if I fell, Kelly would be alone.

  And that was absolutely un-fucking-acceptable.

  I jerked to the right, rolling onto my back and over onto my feet. The Omega landed where I’d just been sitting, jaws snapping viciously, saliva dripping from its mouth. Its eyes blazed as Kelly scrabbled back against the tree.

  “Don’t,” I warned the Omega. “You don’t want to do this.”

  It didn’t listen.

  It came for me.

  I grunted as its front paws landed against my chest, knocking me back onto the ground. It stood above me, lowering its head toward my throat.

  Kelly whispered, “Robbie.”

  I kicked my knees into the Omega’s stomach. A harsh breath exploded out of its mouth into my face. It mewled at me as I dug my claws into its sides, blood spilling over my hands. I roared in its face, pushing up as hard as I could. It fell off me, landing roughly at my side.

  I stood slowly, the rain pounding down around us.

  The other Omegas circled around me.

  “Come on!” I shouted at them, my voice caught between human and wolf. “If this is what you want, come on!”

  A gray wolf seemed braver than the others. It lunged, low and quick, and the noise it made when I caught it by the scruff of its neck was choked and surprised. I lifted it toward my face, and I wanted nothing more than to tear its fucking head off for even daring to come near me and my—

  A second wolf attacked, knocking me off my feet. The wolf I held yelped as it crashed down with me, scratching my chest and stomach. I tried to roll away but didn’t get far. I was flat on my stomach when another wolf landed on my back, pushing me into the dirt. Its breath was hot against the back of my neck as it trailed its nose against my skin, inhaling deeply.

  Kelly shouted my name, and it was filled with such horror that it made my skin crawl.

  Kelly.

  Kelly.

  Kelly.

  I put my hands flat against the ground and pushed up with everything I had. The wolf on my back jumped off at the last second, landing on its feet directly in front of me. It turned slowly, and I raised my hand to tear out its goddamn throat—

  “Enough.”

  It was one word, and one word only.

  But it was filled with such power, such a bright and consuming rage, that every single wolf cowered at the sound of an Alpha.

  I slowly raised my head.

  Ox stood before us, eyes red and violet. Rain sluiced down his nude body, his hair matted down on his head.

  Elizabeth pushed by him, glaring at the Omegas. I thought she was going for Kelly.

  I was shocked when she knelt at my side, hands on my arm, pulling me up to sit back on my knees. “It’s all right,” she whispered in my ear. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

  “What the fuck is going on?” Gordo demanded as he approached. His tattoos shone in the dark, and Mark was loping next to him, violet eyes darting back and forth between the gathered Omegas. Then he looked at me. His nostrils flared as he inhaled sharply. He started to growl at me, but then he stopped. He snorted, lowering his head to paw at his nose.

  The others began to gather around. Chris and Tanner were shifted, Rico standing between them with his arms across his chest, glowering at anyone and everyone. And it took me a moment to understand why Chris and Tanner smelled like fear.

  They were scared of me.

  Jessie ran up, looking like she was going to murder someone. A thin rust-colored wolf was at her side for every step she took. Dominique.

  Joe was still a wolf as he came to stand next to Ox, his big paws flattening the grass. Carter and the timber wolf appeared last, and both of them recoiled as they sniffed the air.

  “We were just sitting here,” Kelly said, shoving Carter’s head away as his brother tried to keep him back. “We weren’t doing anything, and they just came after us. After him.”

  There was the creak of muscle and bone as Mark shifted next to Gordo. He grimaced, his eyes still alight with violet as he turned human. The wolf hair on his body was still receding when he said, “It’s Robbie. Like it was with Gordo. Stinks like magic. Bad magic.” He took in a deep breath before sneezing harshly. “It burns. It makes me want to hurt him.”

  Gordo looked shocked. “But that’s….” He looked at me. “What happened?”

  They all stood above me, watching me. I felt cornered. Trapped. One of the Omegas snapped its jaws at me, but Ox stepped in front of it. He glared at it until it whimpered and bared its neck.

  Ox crouched before me, keeping his distance. “Robbie?”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s okay,” Elizabeth said, rubbing a hand up and down my back. “You’re safe. Kelly’s safe. I promise.”

  I took in a shuddering breath. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to….”

  “Didn’t mean to what?” Ox asked.

  I shook my head. It was raining harder now, and I tried to think of the fireflies, of how it’d just been only minutes before, but it was lost in a fog.

  I said, “I heard him.”

  I said, “In my head.”

  I said, “He could see me.”

  I said, “He could feel me.”

  I said, “And he’s not going to let me go. He’s not going to stop. Not until we give him back what belongs to him.”

  And as the rain poured down, I wondered—not for the first time—if being in Green Creek was a mistake.

  not fair/forgive myself

  They told me that it was going to be all right.

  I wished I could believe them, but I couldn’t take the chance that they were wrong.

  Jessie sighed as she poured the line of silver across the basement, trapping me inside.

  Kelly looked furious, standing near the stairs, hands in fists at his sides as rainwater dripped off him onto the floor.

  “Maybe it’s for the best,” Gordo muttered. He looked tired. “Until we can figure this out.” He shook his head. “I….” He’d spent the better part of an hour digging around in my head, saying he was shoring up whatever walls he could to keep his father out. I could see by the look on his face that he didn’t think it’d do much. It didn’t help that by the end I was snarling at him, telling him to get the fuck out of my head. The moon was pulling at me, and my emotions were all over the place. I wanted to curl up away from everyone. I wanted to lash out at all of them. I wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted to make them bleed.

  “It’s not his fault,” Kelly muttered. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “We know,” Joe told him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “But we
can’t take the chance. Not until we can be certain he won’t hurt anyone—”

  “Fuck you,” Kelly snapped. He shoved Joe off him. “You didn’t give two shits about him when he was taken, so don’t act like you give a damn about any of this now.”

  “Kelly,” Joe said, eyes wide and wounded. “That’s not true. We were…. It was hard. On all of us.”

  “Really?” Kelly said. He laughed, and it was such a heartbreakingly hollow thing. “Did you lift a finger to help me?” He looked around wildly. “Did any of you besides Gordo and Ox? Or were you too goddamn busy licking your own wounds to care that he was taken? Because I came to you. I begged you to do everything you could. To call everyone you knew. And do you remember what you told me?”

  Joe clenched his jaw.

  “You said maybe it was for the best,” Kelly said. “That maybe this was the way things were going to be. That you needed to help Chris and Tanner before you could even consider helping anyone else. I didn’t need my Alpha, I needed my goddamn brother, and you said no.”

  “Uh-oh,” Tanner said. He inched toward the door. He didn’t make it very far before Chris grabbed his arm. He looked down at Chris’s hand before lifting his head again. He sighed. “I wish I wasn’t so used to being naked in front of a lot of people like I am now.”

  “Thanks for sharing,” Chris muttered. “Now shut up so Kelly can yell at us some more. I think we kind of deserve it.”

  “That’s not fair,” Joe said, sounding shocked, as if he’d never heard his brother speak to him this way before. And for all I knew, he hadn’t.

  “Isn’t it?” Kelly asked. “Because it sounds to me like you’re making the same mistakes Dad did. Out of sight, out of mind. Isn’t that right, Gordo?”

  “Kelly,” Ox said, the warning in his voice clear.

  Gordo’s expression shuttered closed. “That’s…. Jesus, Kelly.”

  Kelly ground his teeth as he started to pace. “Aileen said we were broken. Divided. That we couldn’t hope to do anything about this unless we fixed what was wrong with us. And you’re all standing there after you’ve put a fucking bandage on a gushing wound and congratulating yourselves because of it. We can’t do this. We can’t keep going on this way.”

  Carter tried to reach for his brother, but Kelly glared at him. “Dude, I know you’re upset—and it’s pretty badass, if I’m being honest—and we’ve earned you yelling at us, but I don’t know if it’s fair that you say we didn’t care. We did.” He glanced at me. “I can’t speak for everyone. But I know I did.” He put a hand over his bare chest, right above his heart. “Right here. It hurt right here. And maybe we were confused, and maybe we were scared. I know that’s not an excuse, but there it is.” He shrugged as he dropped his hand. He looked at me again. “I’m sorry, Robbie. For everything. I should have done more for you. For him.”

  Kelly nodded tightly, still riled up and rigid. “This isn’t working. It’s a half-life. It’s not real. We’re pretending like everything is as it used to be.” His voice broke. “And no matter how much I wish it was, it’s not. This is how we are now. This is our reality. And if we can’t do this together, then we’re going to die alone.”

  And with that, he kicked apart the line of silver and crossed over it to me. I tried to protest, but he wouldn’t hear it. He sat down on the cot next to me, glaring defiantly at the pack as if waiting for them to tell him off.

  They didn’t.

  They just stood there for a long moment.

  The timber wolf moved next. He huffed out a breath, sounding annoyed, before he left Carter’s side, walking toward Kelly and me. He stepped gingerly over the silver, snapping at his own back paw when it caught a small part of the powder. He came over to me. He looked me up and down, and I swore he rolled his eyes before he laid his head on my lap, blinking up at me slowly. I hesitated a moment before gingerly patting the top of his head.

  “What the fuck,” Carter said faintly.

  Elizabeth came next. She had a thin, worn robe wrapped around her shoulders. It was far too big for her, and it dragged on the floor. Ox bent over and lifted it as she crossed the line of silver before letting it fall once she was clear.

  She sat down at her son’s feet, leaning against the cot. She looked out at the others, not saying a word. She didn’t need to. Her silence spoke volumes.

  Gordo nodded slowly. “I’ll go get blankets.”

  Joe said, “I’ll help you. I should check on the Omegas too before we settle in for the night. Make sure we won’t have any more issues.” He followed Gordo up the stairs.

  Ox didn’t say a word.

  He was watching. Waiting.

  Carter came next, though he was trying not to seem too eager. He told the wolf in my lap to move. The wolf ignored him. Carter tried to push him out of the way. The wolf growled at him without opening his eyes. Carter sighed and sat next to him on the floor. The wolf turned his head and pressed his nose against the side of Carter’s head. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered. “I get it.”

  Jessie sat next to Elizabeth.

  Chris and Tanner hesitated. They looked at each other, having a conversation without saying anything out loud. They nodded at the same time. They crossed the line of silver, approaching me warily, like they thought I would lash out at them.

  But they came anyway.

  They breathed a sigh of relief as Carter pulled them down next to him.

  “Finally,” Mark said. “Finally.” He walked over, shorts hanging low on his hips. He ran his hand over the top of my head before settling down against Jessie, laying his head on her shoulder.

  Rico remained next to Ox, scowling at the floor.

  Ox looked at him.

  Rico sighed. “I hear you, alfa. Just… give me a moment, okay?”

  Ox nodded.

  Rico took a deep breath. He raised his head, looking directly at me. He said, “Robbie.”

  “Yeah?” I asked, feeling overwhelmed. They were choosing me. After everything, they were choosing me. And even if Rico didn’t, it was at least a start.

  “You better not steal the blankets like you used to do,” he said. “Cabrón. Always stealing blankets like you’re the only one who gets them.” He was still cursing me under his breath as he crossed the silver toward us. He didn’t come near me, but I thought it was enough.

  And still Ox didn’t come.

  For a moment I thought he wasn’t going to.

  That it’d been too much.

  That I’d been too much.

  But he knew what was in my head. Of course he did. He said, “In a moment, Robbie, I promise.”

  It wasn’t long before Gordo and Joe returned, arms full of blankets and pillows. They were careful not to let them drag in the silver, stepping over the broken line with exaggerated steps. Chris and Tanner were yawning as they took a blanket from Gordo, standing in order to lay it on the floor. Joe threw the pillows on top of it, and Mark and Jessie were the first to lie down on it. Gordo snorted as Mark raised a hand toward him. He pulled his shirt off, leaving him in only a white tank top and shorts. Mark sighed as he curled around Gordo, fingers trailing over the stump at the end of his arm.

  The others settled, leaving space for those of us who remained.

  Kelly stayed beside me on the cot.

  Only then did Ox cross over. His steps were slow and measured. He never looked away from me.

  He said, “I dreamed of this. All of us together again. And it hurt. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

  I blinked rapidly.

  He lay down next to Joe, kissed the side of his head.

  “You ready?” Kelly whispered to me, though everyone could hear us.

  I shook my head. “Just give me a moment.”

  He did.

  But it didn’t take long.

  There was a space left open just for me. All I had to do was take what was offered.

  Even in the face of everything, they were giving me a gift.

  I stood from the cot, feeling all eye
s on me. I held my hand out for Kelly. He took it without hesitation. I settled down on the blanket next to Carter. He pulled another blanket up and over us. I lay on my side away from him and barely flinched when I felt his hand on my waist. “No homo,” he said. Then, “Well, maybe some homo. I don’t even know anymore. And before someone says anything, shut up. Robbie, just so you know, my morning boner won’t be for you. Mostly.”

  “Love,” Elizabeth told her oldest, “I’d rather not hear about such things, if it’s all the same to you. Though I’m glad to hear you’re open to… new experiences.”

  “What?” Carter asked. “What new experiences?”

  “So close,” Jessie said as she yawned.

  “Jesus Christ,” Kelly muttered. He lay down next to me, his back pressed against Ox.

  And though we weren’t whole, not by a long shot, a quiet energy crackled around us. I was on the precipice again, and the void was still there, but I wasn’t alone. Instead of jumping, I took a step away from it.

  Carter tightened his arm around my waist.

  Ox’s hand was in my hair.

  Kelly lay facing me. We shared a pillow. We were warm. We were safe. We were together.

  Kelly reached up and pushed my hair out of my face. He was about to pull back, but I didn’t let him. I took his hand in mine and held it between us.

  We watched each other without saying a word.

  I was nearly asleep when Rico said, “Bambi’s convinced I’ve slept with half of you. She wouldn’t tell me which half, but since there are more men than women, that means she thinks I’ve sucked some dick. It’s not that I’m scared of dick, but I don’t know how I feel about balls hitting my chin, you know?”

  Chris and Tanner burst out laughing even as most of the rest of us groaned.

  “What?” Rico demanded. “It’s a very real concern. Gordo, what do you do when you get beard burn from Mark on your balls? That has to suck. Ha. Suck. See what I did there?”

  I heard him squawk as it sounded like he got a face full of pillow.

  I didn’t dream that night.

  * * *

  The day after a full moon was always a lazy day for wolves. We would be sluggish and slow, the power the moon held over us fading. It never hurt, not like the hangovers that seemed to affect humans, but the lethargy kept us from moving around too much.