The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

by Haemin Sunim

  Every time I return to Korea, I wonder why Koreans are so obsessed with their alma mater, even when they are over fifty years old. Of course, when it comes to finding a job, having graduated from a prestigious university is advantageous in most parts of the world. But the degree alone is often not enough. Even if one has landed a good job, one’s skills and experience are more important than where one has studied. A good example is Steve Jobs, the cofounder of Apple. Jobs went to Reed College but dropped out after one semester. Anyone familiar with American higher education would know that Reed is an excellent liberal arts college in Portland, Oregon. But to an average Korean, who has heard only of the Ivy League and a few large universities in California, Reed would be considered subpar. If Steve Jobs had been Korean, his educational background would have been a huge impediment to a successful career. Nobody would have taken his ideas seriously or invested in his company; he would have been seen as not smart enough to have gone to an Ivy.

  This concerns me. If we consider someone’s identity as rooted primarily in his hometown or the school he graduated from, we end up looking only at his past and not paying attention to his current skills or future vision. Only those born into good families with the right educational background and connections are given a chance to succeed, while those from less-than-ideal backgrounds who are brimming with potential are denied opportunities.

  Whenever young boys approach me to ask if I know kung fu, it becomes an occasion for me to reflect on my life. Am I behaving like a spiritual teacher? Or have I become complacent in my identity and ignored the work I am called to do? Moreover, when I meet someone new, do I make an effort to see who he is beneath his social markers? Or am I reducing people to their background and failing to see who they really are? I am reminded again that anyone, including those young boys, can be our spiritual teacher if we are willing to open our hearts to them.

  Life is like a slice of pizza.

  It looks delicious in an advertisement,

  but when we actually have it, it is not as good as we imagined.

  If you envy someone’s life,

  remember the pizza in the ad.

  It always looks better than it is.

  Have you ever selected a cheaper dish from a menu than the one you really wanted,

  only to regret your choice when it arrived?

  Always go with your first choice if you can afford it.

  It is better than a life filled with regrets.

  There are many more ordinary hours in life than extraordinary ones.

  We wait in line at the supermarket.

  We spend hours commuting to work.

  We water our plants and feed our pets.

  Happiness means finding a moment of joy in those ordinary hours.

  When you concentrate, even a phone book can be interesting.

  If you are bored, maybe you are not concentrating.

  Wherever you go, cultivate a sense of ownership.

  If you see litter in a church, library, or park, pick it up.

  As you take ownership, your life will have more purpose,

  and people will notice your good example.

  It makes sense that Scandinavia should be famous for furniture design,

  since people in a cold climate spend more time inside their homes.

  Similarly, Italy is renowned for designer apparel;

  it makes sense that people in a warm climate

  should pay more attention to how they appear outdoors.

  Where you live shapes you.

  Do you live in a place conducive to the pursuit of your dreams?

  We don’t think twice about spending nine or ten dollars on a glass of wine.

  And yet we hesitate when it comes to buying a book,

  which is the price of only one or two glasses of wine.

  Apparently most people are unable to tell the difference

  between a $15 bottle of wine and a $50 bottle.

  The extra $35 is the price of our vanity.

  When purchasing something you will have for a long time, like a house or a piano,

  choose the best within your means, not something that will do for now.

  You might think it is good enough, but after a while you will regret it.

  A good customer does not say, “Please do whatever you think is best.”

  She knows exactly what she wants and communicates it clearly.

  If a customer does not communicate what she wants, she may still have preferences,

  which might be expressed as a complaint once the work is completed.

  When there is a problem,

  take it up with the person who is responsible.

  If you address it in a roundabout way, through other people,

  out of fear of upsetting the person and your relationship,

  then the problem becomes more complicated.

  Go straight to the source and deal with the person directly,

  even if this makes you uncomfortable.

  The more you know,

  the more you think you don’t.

  The more you don’t know,

  the more you think you do.

  Any social phenomenon is difficult to generalize.

  Its causes are embedded in a complex web of history, culture, politics, and economics.

  If someone explains a social phenomenon in simple terms,

  he is either an expert or a fool.

  The biggest obstacle to learning

  is pretending to know even when you don’t.

  It is better to admit you don’t know something;

  if you pretend, you have to act as if you knew all along.

  It is easier to learn when you set aside your pride and are honest.

  The compassionate gaze of the wounded soul is

  more beautiful than the naive smile of the inexperienced youth.

  The determination to convince someone might stem from being

  not completely convinced yourself.

  I do not go around trying to convince people that I am a man.

  Wear confidence.

  It is the height of fashion.

  When we hold too firmly to our beliefs,

  we risk being blind to reality

  and seeing only what conforms to our beliefs.

  The person who says,

  “That person is so political,”

  is usually just as political, if not more.

  Admiration does not come easily.

  Rather than setting a goal of becoming rich and powerful,

  aim higher: becoming admired in your field.

  One of the greatest blessings in life is meeting someone we truly admire.

  That person becomes a beacon of hope, shielding us from cynicism.

  Sometimes life throws us a curveball

  for no reason that we can fathom.

  But do not despair.

  We are not alone. We can persevere.

  This, too, shall pass, like the heat of summer.

  As you enter your forties, you start to think:

  “Is this what life is all about? Is this all there is?”

  That sad and hollow feeling—I, too, know it.

  Love,

  not righteous words,

  can change people’s lives.

  Three Liberating Insights

  One spring day as I turned thirty, I looked into my mind and realized three things. The moment I realized them, I knew what I had to do to be happy.

  First, people are not as interested in me as I had always believed. I cannot remember what my friend was wearing when I saw her a week ago. Or how her makeup was or what her hair was like. If I cannot remember, then why would she remember similar things about me? Although we do think about others from time to time, it is rarely for more th
an a few minutes. When we are done thinking about other people, our minds revert to what immediately concerns us. Why should we spend so many hours of our lives worrying about how we appear to others?

  Second, not everyone has to like me. After all, I do not like everyone. Certainly for all of us, there are politicians, coworkers, clients, and family members we simply cannot stand. So then why should everyone like me? There is no need to torment yourself because someone dislikes you. Accept it as a fact of life; you cannot control how others feel about you. If someone does not like you, let her have her opinion. Just move on.

  Third, if we are brutally honest with ourselves, most things we do for others are in fact for ourselves. We pray for the well-being of our family because we need them to be around. We shed tears when our partner dies because of the impending loneliness. We sacrifice for our children in the hope that they will grow up the way we want. Unless we become enlightened like the Buddha or Jesus, it is difficult to abandon our deep-rooted preoccupation with ourselves.

  Stop worrying about what others think and just do what your heart wishes. Do not crowd your mind with “what ifs.” Uncomplicate your life and own up to your desires. Only when you are happy can you help to make the world a happier place.

  Do not let people’s opinions of you determine who you are.

  Instead of worrying about what others think,

  devote yourself to your dreams.

  When someone does not like us,

  it is not our problem but theirs.

  Not everyone will like us.

  This is a problem only if we let it bother us.

  By complaining that something we have to do is too hard,

  we add another layer of difficulty.

  Take a deep breath, and then just do it.

  Write down on a sheet of paper

  the names of the places you want to travel to before you die,

  the people you hope to meet,

  the concerts you know you will enjoy,

  the sports games you are dying to see,

  the restaurants you have to try.

  Then experience everything on the list, item by item.

  Nobody needs to know about the list.

  Allow yourself a little secret of your own.

  It will feel good to do something just for yourself.

  Life is like jazz.

  Much of it is improvised; we cannot control all the variables.

  We must live it with panache and flair,

  regardless of what it throws at us.

  We can love our family and pray for their happiness.

  We can give advice and help when needed.

  But we can neither make decisions for them

  nor make them act the way we want them to.

  There are many things we cannot control in life.

  That includes those closest to us.

  If you learn to play one sport well, it becomes easier to learn to play another.

  If you become fluent in one foreign language, you can more easily learn another.

  If you figure out how to run a small business, it’ll be easier to run a second or third one.

  Do not be envious of those who are good at many things.

  First learn to be good at one. You will soon be able to do two or three.

  A majestic tree is the first to be cut down and used for lumber,

  whereas a modest one lives on.

  Likewise, a real master conceals his virtue and never boasts of his excellence.

  Dream big but start small.

  A small adjustment can have a big effect on your life.

  For example, if you want to be healthier,

  then start by going to bed a half hour earlier.

  If you want to lose weight,

  then start by drinking water instead of soda.

  If you have an important project to complete,

  then start by getting your desk organized.

  “Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.

  Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.

  Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habits.

  Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.

  Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.”

  —MAHATMA GANDHI*

  Your mind cannot hold two thoughts at once.

  This means that a single thought can occupy your entire mind.

  Whether good or bad, everything stems from a single thought.

  If we are careful with that first thought, even tragedies can be prevented.

  We prefer the right words to the wrong words.

  We prefer honest words to the right words.

  We prefer real acts to honest words.

  How you speak is often more important than what you say.

  And actions speak louder than words.

  Knowledge wants to talk.

  Wisdom wants to listen.

  A foolish person thinks, “I already know that.”

  He keeps anything new from coming into his mind.

  A wise person thinks, “I don’t know the whole story.”

  She opens herself up to even greater wisdom.

  An ordinary person mainly notices particular things he likes or dislikes.

  A wise person notices both the whole and the particulars.

  When you share your problems with your friends,

  you do not expect them to have the solutions.

  You are just grateful they are there for you and willing to listen.

  If someone shares his problems with you,

  don’t feel the need to have the solutions.

  Just listen sincerely. This is often more helpful.

  When I look deeply within myself,

  I realize what it is that I really want from others:

  attentive ears that listen to what I am saying,

  kind words that acknowledge my existence and worth,

  gentle eyes that accept my flaws and insecurities.

  I resolve to be that person for those around me.

  A bad driver brakes often.

  A bad conversationalist also brakes often—

  interrupting the flow with his own stories.

  You can fool someone for a moment,

  but it is hard to fool someone for long.

  Time will tell if someone has spoken from the heart

  or made things up to get what he wanted.

  Even if he got what he wanted with a momentary lie,

  the fact that he lied will stay with him until the day he dies.

  When there is no envy or expectation,

  even the wealthiest and most powerful person is just another human being.

  Only when we are envious of what he has, or expect something from him,

  do we become discontented and lose our composure.

  Swindlers love to sweet-talk about future gains,

  insisting that things will work out if we listen to them.

  When our greed is awakened, we are cheated.

  A clever negotiator leads the other party to think they’ve won

  while getting everything he wants.

  If the other party feels flattered and superior

  and lets the clever negotiator have his way,

  then it is really the negotiator who has won.

  A cruel irony:

  The reward for someone who works hard is more work.

  If we’re quick to grant a favor, then people quickly forget their gratitude.

  If we grant a favor with several conditions, then people express immense gratitude.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The Future

  One Word of Enc
ouragement Can Change the Future

  UNLIKE IN CHRISTIANITY, there are many thousands of scriptures in the Buddhist tradition. Some are highly philosophical; others are mainly stories that contain important life lessons. My favorite is the Lotus Sutra, which has both philosophical teachings and didactic narratives. Like with any sacred text, the more I study it, the more I am awed by its depth.

  As I was reading the Lotus Sutra again recently, one chapter in particular, “Prophesy of Enlightenment for Five Hundred Disciples,” caught my attention. It describes the Buddha giving a prophesy of complete enlightenment to his five hundred disciples, telling them that they will all become Buddhas after a certain period of time. A prophesy of enlightenment is the Buddha’s guarantee as well as his prediction of when and at what point his disciples will reach the final stage of buddhahood. Hearing the Buddha’s encouraging words about their future, the five hundred disciples are elated and make a vow to engage continuously in spiritual practice. Whenever I come across this story of the Buddha’s prophesy, it reminds me of my elementary school teacher Ms. Lee, who predicted great things about my future.

  By all measures, I was just an average kid. I was of average height and came from a middle-class family. I was not the brightest student, but neither was I a troublemaker. I remember Ms. Lee as a strict woman in her mid-thirties. She had one son who attended the same school; I knew him quite well because we had been in the same class the previous year. One day, as I was walking across the yard after school, Ms. Lee’s son came up to me and invited me over to play at his house—he said his parents had bought him some new toys. I was very much tempted but was afraid I might run into Ms. Lee. Understanding my hesitation, my friend assured me that his mom rarely came home before four o’clock. I agreed to play with him only if I could leave before four o’clock.