The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

by Haemin Sunim

  We had a lot of fun playing with his new toys. I became absorbed in playing and completely forgot about the time when the front door swung open and my teacher walked in. I tensed up, worried that I would be chastised for playing instead of doing my homework. To my surprise, Ms. Lee greeted me with a big smile. She spoke to me warmly and gave me a hug as though I were her son. In her embrace, I realized she was actually a kind and loving person, but she had no choice but to appear strict at school because she had to maintain control over the class. She gave me a snack that she gave my friend only on special occasions. As I ate it, she stroked my head gently and said, “You’re going to be a good student and a role model for your friends. I trust that you will become a great person who brings wisdom and happiness to a lot of people.”

  My young heart was moved beyond words. After that day, I studied very hard and tried to be a role model for the other students. Since Ms. Lee had put her trust in me, I was determined not to disappoint her. I think I have become who I am today thanks to what she said to me that afternoon. Without her kind words, I would not have had the confidence to excel academically or to become a professor or spiritual teacher.

  According to the Lotus Sutra, the Buddha makes the prophesy about his disciples because he has a supernatural ability to foresee when they would achieve the final stage of buddhahood. But I do not think they automatically attained enlightenment because they received the Buddha’s prophesy; I think it had a lot to do with the Buddha’s faith in them, which motivated them to work harder to accomplish what their teacher predicted. Like Ms. Lee’s words to me, the Buddha’s trusting words and his loving gaze transformed the lives of his five hundred disciples. One word of encouragement, said with kindness and hope, can change a person’s future, the way it did for the five hundred disciples and for me.

  Some say they don’t really know what they are looking for in life.

  This might be because, instead of getting in touch with how they feel,

  they have led their lives according to other people’s expectations.

  Live your life not to satisfy others, but to fulfill what your heart desires.

  My dear young friend,

  please don’t feel discouraged

  just because you are slightly behind.

  Life isn’t a hundred-meter race against your friends,

  but a lifelong marathon against yourself.

  Rather than focusing on getting ahead of your friends,

  first try to discover your unique color.

  “Haemin Sunim, I hope you become a great teacher like the Dalai Lama.”

  “Thank you for your kindness. I deeply admire His Holiness.

  But I don’t want to become the Dalai Lama.

  I would like to become Haemin Sunim.”

  Don’t flit here and there like a school of fish

  just because that is what your friends do

  or because others say it is what you should do.

  Stand by your convictions.

  Upend the existing paradigm

  and become a trendsetter.

  There are things I would have liked to teach my child if I’d had one:

  No matter how famous, powerful, or rich some people are,

  they are not very different from anyone else.

  We long for deep connection and unconditional acceptance.

  We have the same insecurities and need for approval.

  There is no reason to feel inferior.

  If you are raising a child, then remember this:

  It is okay for your child to do well in one area

  and not so well in others.

  A restaurant specializing in a few good dishes

  is more likely to develop a good reputation

  than one with a lengthy menu.

  Help your child go deep in her area of interest.

  Intelligence is not just about getting straight A’s and high SAT scores.

  It is also about being able to empathize and be attuned to how other people feel.

  Are you a controlling parent?

  Are you devoting too much attention to your child?

  If the answer is yes,

  then turn some of that attention toward your parents.

  If you are good to your own parents,

  then your child will learn how to treat you in the future.

  From a young age,

  some children are told to compete,

  worried about what their parents will say,

  insecure about how their friends will judge them.

  Let them know it is okay to enjoy life.

  Help them discover talents that cannot be graded.

  Respect them so they know what it feels like to be respected.

  Why doesn’t high school teach essential life skills?

  Like:

  How to cook,

  how to go out on a date,

  how to watch your weight,

  how to be financially responsible,

  how to pick yourself up after a setback,

  how to be mindful of your thoughts and emotions.

  Instead of building up a résumé only to land a job,

  enjoy the process of learning something new.

  Don’t do it just for the end.

  Delight in the means, too.

  Even if you have other motives for volunteering,

  in the process of helping out and connecting with people

  you may discover the meaning of life and of happiness.

  This is why it is important to volunteer

  regardless of what compels you to do so in the first place.

  When it comes to learning a new skill, there are two kinds of people.

  One kind prefers to first study the typewriter,

  while the other starts by pounding on the keys.

  One kind likes to first master the grammar of a foreign language,

  while the other learns in the trenches, using body language if they must.

  Generally speaking, the second type tends to learn faster than the first,

  because the latter is not afraid of making mistakes.

  There is no such thing as being completely prepared.

  Life is an adventure, through which we learn and mature.

  Of course, we must consider all our options carefully.

  But if we wait for 100 percent certainty, then it is often too late.

  When you are about to make an important decision,

  there is always a moment of hesitation right before you sign on the dotted line.

  Don’t pull back. You have come all this way after having given it serious thought.

  Don’t look back. Continue on your path courageously, like a one-horned rhinoceros.

  Sometimes you have to push through with your convictions.

  You cannot please everyone.

  Do not hold back just because

  you are afraid someone might criticize you.

  You will probably earn yourself a few enemies,

  but many others will respect you for standing up for what you believe.

  Do not turn down too many opportunities.

  If you insist you need more preparation,

  you may not be invited again when you finally feel ready.

  You are ready.

  You can take up the challenge.

  When you wake up in the morning, say to yourself:

  “I won’t spend today passively,

  just doing what others tell me to do.

  I will take the lead and forge my own destiny!”

  Establish a goal for the week.

  There is a big difference between having a goal and not having one.

  A significant accomplishment can be traced back to a single thought.

  Even if you have j
ust a modest dream,

  don’t keep it to yourself. Talk to others about it.

  By the time you tell ten people, it is more likely to come true.

  Try these two things at the same time:

  Pretend you are already a champion

  and work diligently at becoming one.

  The gap between belief and reality will soon close.

  When You Look for Your Calling

  It is not easy to find one’s calling in life. Although some know what they want to do from an early age, for most, it takes many years to find their path. Whenever I am asked about finding one’s calling, I offer the following advice.

  First, one of the reasons it is difficult to find your calling is that you simply do not know what kind of jobs are out there in the world. Where can you discover options other than the jobs you already know of through your family and friends?

  The easiest way to expose yourself to an array of indirect experiences is by reading. Have you read up on science, travel, fashion, art, or politics? How about education, psychology, finance, health, food, music, or sports? Read widely as you explore different professions. You can also read a biography of someone you admire and hope to emulate. Books broaden your horizons and introduce you to new possibilities.

  Second, it is hard to find one’s calling because many mistakenly believe they need to look only within to discover their passion. Although it is true that we have innate interests and talents, we often do not know what they are until we have real-life experiences. Having a wide range of experiences can help you uncover your inner passion.

  Try various part-time jobs and internships, or volunteer.

  Don’t be afraid of rolling up your sleeves and diving in.

  While immersed in a job’s reality, you will discover whether it’s a good fit.

  Work experiences may unlock the door to a career opportunity you hadn’t considered.

  Third, it is difficult to find your calling without sufficient self-awareness. Do you know what kind of work environment you thrive in? Do you draw your energy from interacting with people? Do you perform well under pressure? What are your strengths and weaknesses?

  You can increase your self-awareness by interacting with a wide range of people in a wide variety of situations. You will develop a deeper understanding of yourself as you cultivate relationships, which become a mirror reflecting your strengths and weaknesses in various circumstances. Do not be afraid of meeting new people. Get to know those who are working in a field you are interested in. Go out on dates; they are another good way to learn about yourself. Discover what types of people are compatible with your personality. From these experiences, you will gain insight into what kinds of people you like to surround yourself with.

  Lastly, do not select your career based on what others will think of your choice. The truth is that other people do not really think about you that much. If you think you will enjoy something, then do not overthink it. Just do it. Even if it does not turn out the way you imagined it, you will still appreciate it for what it has taught you.

  I wish you the best of luck!

  Measure your self-worth

  not with the balance of your bank account

  but with the frequency of your generosity.

  The college you graduated from is not that important.

  The life you have chosen to live after college is.

  “When hiring, I like people who are confident but who can admit when they are wrong.

  For that kind of person, I don’t have to look at any other credentials,

  because they are sure of themselves but won’t let their ego get in the way.”

  —AHN CHEOL-SOO, SOUTH KOREAN SOFTWARE ENTREPRENEUR

  When you look for a job,

  try to find out how long a company’s employees stay at the company.

  This is more important than the size of the company or the salary offered.

  If people keep leaving, then that says a lot.

  Are you nervous or even terrified about your new job?

  Is it because you are afraid of disappointing your new boss?

  Just do the best you can without being self-conscious about your work.

  Even if your work is less than superb, if you are sincere and dedicated,

  then your boss and colleagues will appreciate you.

  If you happen to visit a workplace that appears much better than yours,

  instead of feeling envious, examine the place more carefully.

  You may find a downside that changes your first impression.

  The moment you realize that, you will feel grateful for your current job.

  Being a good boss requires much more than

  just having a lot of technical knowledge.

  It is important to have integrity and a positive relationship with the staff,

  to give timely feedback and professional mentoring, and

  to advocate for what the team needs.

  A boss should not be overly concerned with how she is perceived.

  This is secondary.

  Rather, she should focus on how her work affects the staff and clients.

  A wise leader doesn’t assemble a team of only those who agree with him.

  He needs someone who disagrees with him, to allow him to see his blind spots.

  An inept leader attempts to micromanage everything.

  His staff will wind up doing only what they are told.

  A skillful leader knows how to delegate to subordinates

  and to wait for them to take responsibility and see the job to a successful conclusion.

  Dedication to one’s job should not be measured

  by how late one works

  or how often one forgoes a vacation

  but by how effectively one works and

  what kind of contribution one makes to the business.

  People often have unrealistic expectations

  of the success of their first book, album, or show.

  Just as there is no effect without a cause,

  success doesn’t come about by luck alone,

  without years of preparation and hard work.

  It is not always a good thing to get what you want.

  If everything happens the way you want,

  it is easy to become lazy and arrogant.

  You may also lose the ability to empathize with people having difficulties.

  Perhaps any hardship you may experience is an important life lesson.

  A jockey does not whip a standing horse.

  A jockey whips only a running horse.

  When your teacher reprimands you,

  learn to accept it gracefully.

  She is doing it because she cares.

  She believes you can do better.

  Your freedom is more important than money.

  It is better to live the kind of life you want

  than to earn more and be constrained.

  Don’t sell your freedom.

  If someone urges you to follow his path for success

  but it is not what your heart desires,

  then listen to your heart

  before it is too late.

  The vaguest and least effective statement:

  “I will have whatever.”

  Some people would like to have all their decisions made for them—

  hence the opportunity for charismatic cult leaders

  to take advantage of them.

  Never cede the power to make decisions about your life.

  The Buddha and Jesus exist because you exist.

  You are the owner of your life.

  Value yourself first.

  I became a monastic practitioner

  because I wanted to know the true meaning of life.

  Becau
se I wanted to awaken to my true nature.

  Because I didn’t want to subject myself

  to the measures of success according to others.

  Because I didn’t want to meet my death

  after a lifetime of struggle for money and power.

  There is only one way to bungee jump: Just leap!

  The more you think, the harder it becomes.

  Overthinking produces only anxiety and doubt.

  Stop shouting, “What if?” and just take a leap of faith.

  Without being compromised by the need to get in someone’s good graces,

  you can stand tall, no matter whom you deal with.

  If you have led an honorable and honest life,

  there is no need to be afraid of speaking the truth.

  The great Korean Zen master Kyeongbong (1892–1982) once said:

  “Those who have not realized their True Self live like the blind,

  unintentionally scratching someone else’s leg.

  If you would like to scratch your own leg,

  first awaken to your True Self.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Spirituality

  Long-Lost Cousins

  Do not judge so that you will not be judged.

  For in the way you judge, you will be judged;

  and by your stand of measure, it will be measured to you.

  —MATTHEW 7:1–2

  WHENEVER I READ the above biblical passage, I am reminded of a similar philosophy in the Buddhist tradition called the law of karma. As many people know, it is the law of cause and effect often described succinctly in the West as, “You reap what you sow,” or “What goes around comes around.” It is a wonderful admonition that compels us to examine the consequences of our thought, speech, and behavior. Although I am a Buddhist, I have been deeply influenced by many passages in the Bible. The first time I picked up the Bible for serious study was in college, for my comparative religion class. I learned about the history of Christianity and analyzed various biblical lessons, and soon I began to open my heart to it. I realized that Truth is not the exclusive property of any one religion. It has a universal quality that allows people of different religious traditions to recognize and respect it.