Love Me by Christmas

by Jaci Burton

  "Selina's been an absolute terror today," Heather said. "I didn't want to inflict her on anyone."

  "Aww," Melissa said. "You do realize both Ellie and I have been through the toddler stage."

  "She's throwing things," Heather said with a sigh. "So her punishment was no fun with RJ and Henry. I dropped her off at my parents' house. They adore her and they don't care about her tantrums."

  "I think by the time you become grandparents, you forgive just about everything because you're happy to have little ones in the house again," Ellie said. "My in-laws are wonderful with Henry."

  "Mine are too with RJ," Melissa said. "As are my parents. I don't remember them being quite as lenient with me when I was young."

  Ellie nodded. "That's because when you're parents, you're young and not as patient."

  Fran took a sip of wine. "I can't wait to have obnoxious children who throw things."

  Ellie laughed. "I can't wait for you to have them, either. I'm dying to cuddle a baby."

  "Mark and I have talked about the whole wedding and kids thing. But with his job at the fire station and my job at the hospital, we're both crazy busy."

  "There's never an ideal time for any of it," Melissa said. "If you love each other, you make it happen."

  "True," Ellie said. "But, you know, Fran, you and Mark will do it when you're ready. Or not do it, whichever the case may be. You have to set your own timeline."

  Fran laughed. "We are happily ever aftering. We're just doing it in our own way."

  Once they finished dinner, everyone helped put food away and do the dishes, which meant it took no time at all. The kids went into the game room to play, and the adults played their own games.

  It was always a blast. They played various games, from board games to card games, which always left Ellie breathless with laughter.

  The one thing different tonight, though, was Nick. Oh, he was a fine game partner. He'd never let whatever was going on between them interfere with the fun of game night. But he hadn't said much to her since their conversation the other night. They'd left things hanging. Or, rather, she'd left things hanging.

  They had always been so close, had told each other everything. From the moment John had died, Nick had been her rock, her support system, her knight in shining armor. He'd become her best friend and her confidant, and it had been that way for years.

  Until things had changed, until she realized she had feelings for Nick that went beyond brother-in-law, beyond friendship. And now that he'd revealed his attraction to her, everything between them was different. Where before, when she got home, she'd tell him everything about her day and he'd do the same, they both had seemed to focus their attention totally on Henry, as if her son had become the buffer between them. Not that Henry noticed the difference since he always received a lot of their time and attention.

  But Ellie noticed. Because even after Henry went to bed at night, Nick was either on the laptop or engrossed in something on TV. And where they'd usually talk while watching television, now he was mostly silent.

  Waiting.

  She couldn't blame him for the silence, because she'd become mute as well, as if she couldn't find the words to start that important conversation they needed to have.

  Now she couldn't decide what the next step should be.

  She knew her indecision was driving a wedge between them.

  They had taken a break from their latest game. The guys were in the game room playing something with the kids, and Melissa and Heather were deep in conversation in the living room about something work related, so Ellie and Fran stepped into the kitchen to refill their wineglasses.

  "You're up in your head about something tonight," Fran said as she topped off Ellie's glass.

  "No, I'm not."

  "Yes, you are. It's like you're a freakin' walking zombie, El. You're here tonight, but in body only. What's going on?"

  Ellie looked into the living room. Melissa and Heather had their heads together and were quietly chatting. The game room was downstairs, so they were alone. "It's Nick."

  "Oh." Fran took a sip of wine. "Talk to me."

  She explained about the Karen debacle, then told Fran about Nick's admission the other night of having feelings for her, and her response, which had pretty much been nothing but confusion. "We're dancing around these feelings we have for each other, or at least I am. Which means nothing is happening, so there's this wall between us."

  "Is he reluctant to act on his feelings?"

  "No. I'm the one who put a stop to things the other night."

  Fran sighed. "Why?"

  "You know why. Because of John."

  "Who is dead. While Nick is very much alive."

  Ellie winced. "Fran."

  "Come on, Ellie. It's time to wake up, join the living, and stop making everything about your dead husband. I know you loved him. We all loved him. But it's like you stopped living when John died. And how is Henry going to react as he grows up watching his mother living this life standing still, never moving on, never being happy? Don't you think he wants a happy mom, one who's among the living? "

  It was a stab in the heart hearing these words from her best friend. But she needed to hear it. "I know. Logically I know you're right. But, you know, it's Nick. He's John's brother. And I don't know if the feelings I have for him are real or if it's just because we've lived together since John died."

  Fran grasped her hand and squeezed. "You won't know for sure if it's real between you and Nick unless you give yourself an opportunity to find out."

  "You're right. Everything right now is in my head. I'm always in my own head."

  "Then get out of your head and start feeling something. Let yourself feel, Ellie. Open up your heart to the possibility that what you and Nick have together might be real. And if it isn't, at least you'll have given it a chance."

  She knew what Fran said made sense. But fear held her back. It had been holding her back for the past five years. Fear of living. Fear of moving forward. Fear of leaving her past behind, of leaving John behind. And now fear of feeling something that might be real--or might not. "But what if it isn't?"

  "Then you'll know. And you can move on. Either way, you'll stop stagnating like you've been doing for the past five years. Don't you owe it to yourself--and to Henry--to take that step forward?"

  She did. She couldn't go on hiding from her feelings and living in the past.

  It was time to make some decisions.

  Starting with Nick.

  Chapter Twelve

  Nick dropped Henry off at Fran's house since Ellie had to work late that day. Henry always looked forward to this annual spend the night with Fran. They'd started it when Henry was a baby, as a time for Nick and Ellie to do some holiday shopping. Now that Henry was older, it was his big boy time with Auntie Fran and Uncle Mark when he got to spend the night.

  "I'm gonna go to the movies with Fran and Mark," Henry said. "And then we're gonna go shopping. And if I'm a good boy, Fran said I might get somethin' special like a toy."

  "That's what your momma told me," Nick said as he pulled into Fran's driveway. "And you're also going to be on your best behavior, right?"

  Henry shot him a childlike exasperated look. "I'm always good, Uncle Nick."

  Nick grinned. He was generally right about that. Ellie was lucky to have gotten such a well-behaved kid. Henry almost always behaved when he was over at someone else's house. Plus, he'd spent the night with Fran before. She was great with him.

  He walked Henry up to the front door and rang the bell. Fran answered and her smile widened when she saw Henry.

  "There's my buddy. What's up, Henry?"

  "Becca brought a turtle to preschool today. His name was Sigmund and I got to hold him and he pooped in my hand."

  Fran's lips curved as she looked at Nick, who smiled back at her. She looked down at Henry. "Can't think of a better day, can you, Nick?"

  "Nope." He handed Henry's bag to Fran. "Call us if you need anything."
>
  "Hey, we've got this. The question is, Nick...do you?"

  "No clue what you mean, Fran."

  Fran leaned over and kissed Nick on the cheek. "Oh, I think you'll figure it out, honey."

  He really had no idea what the hell Fran was talking about.

  "It's our annual pre-holiday sleepover . We always have fun, don't we, Henry?"

  Henry nodded. "Yup."

  Nick hugged Henry. "Love you, buddy."

  Henry squeezed him tight. "Love you, too, Uncle Nick."

  "I picked up an early shift tomorrow morning," Fran said.

  "Hey, it's not a problem. We'll come get him in the morning."

  Fran gave him a grin. "Thanks. And you have a fun night tonight."

  Still no clue what was up with Fran. "Yeah, sure. Thanks, Fran."

  Nick got in his truck and drove home, figuring it would be a couple of hours before Ellie would be there. He was surprised to see her car in the open garage. He hoped nothing was wrong. He parked in the driveway, got out, and walked into the house through the garage.

  "Ellie?"

  "In the kitchen."

  She was unpacking something from a bag. Whatever it was, it smelled good.

  "What are you doing?"

  She turned around. "I was going to cook, but then I realized that could get messy and also take time. And I wanted to dress up."

  He frowned. "What are you talking about? I thought you had to work late."

  "I didn't. I just thought we could have some time alone tonight. You know, so we could talk."

  First Fran and now Ellie, and he was more confused than ever. Then again, they hadn't talked much since that night after the party, so it didn't surprise him he had no idea what was going on in her head. "Okay."

  "I picked up toasted raviolis and chicken parmesan from Rigazzi's."

  No wonder he smelled something good. "Those are my favorites."

  "I know." She gave him a shy smile. "I also picked up a bottle of Cabernet."

  He leaned against the counter. "What's this all about, Ellie?"

  "It's about you." He watched her swallow as she fought to get the words out. "About you and me."

  Now things were getting clearer. "Okay."

  He caught her nervous swallow. "We have to start a conversation, figure out where we stand. Can't we at least have dinner?"

  "We have dinner together every night."

  She sighed. "Come on, Nick. I'm trying. I arranged for Fran to keep Henry overnight. I picked up a nice dinner and I bought wine. I'm wearing a freaking dress. Meet me halfway here."

  Ah. So that's what Fran meant. He knew the sleepover with Henry had been scheduled a little earlier than normal this year. But he figured it had more to do with Fran's schedule, so he'd shrugged it off.

  Ellie had gone to some effort for this night. And maybe he was still hurt about her trying to get rid of him by throwing women at him.

  It was time to get over it so they could talk. Things between them needed to be settled, one way or the other.

  "Okay. Let me go take a shower. I'm still work dirty."

  "All right."

  He took a quick shower, then put on his dark jeans and a button-down shirt--the navy blue one Ellie liked.

  When he made his way down the hall, the smell of pasta sauce filled his senses. He knew they had a lot to talk about, but he was hungry. He'd started work early this morning, and lunch today had been a fast bologna sandwich. Not very filling.

  Besides, they could have a better conversation once their stomachs were full.

  And maybe he was trying to delay that conversation because if it didn't go well...

  He didn't want to think too long about what would happen if it didn't go well.

  Ellie had set the dining room table with the good plates and wineglasses. She really was going all out. The least he could do was give her a chance.

  "Hey, it looks good."

  She smiled up at him. "Thanks."

  "What can I do to help?"

  She scanned the table. "Oh. We need napkins."

  "I'm on it."

  He dug into the pantry for the napkins. Typically they grabbed paper towels, mainly because of Henry. But since Ellie seemed to want tonight to be special, he went for the nice linen napkins that they usually saved for when they had company over.

  He brought those over to the table and folded each one, setting the silverware on top.

  "Nice touch," she said. "Let's eat."

  He pulled her chair out for her and moved it back toward the table as she slid into the chair. "Thank you."

  They scooped the food onto their plates and dug in. The food was so damn good he had to avoid shoveling it into his mouth.

  "What did you eat for lunch today?" she asked.

  He waited until after he swallowed before answering. "Bologna sandwich."

  "No wonder you're eating like you're starving. You know there was leftover fried chicken in the fridge."

  He frowned. "There was? I didn't see it."

  "Probably because you worry way more about getting Henry ready and getting his lunch together. I'm sorry you have to do that."

  What the hell? "Why are you apologizing? You're up at five in the morning, Ellie. It's always made more sense for me to get Henry up and to daycare."

  She had laid her fork down and was staring at him. "I know. But there are so many things I feel guilty about. I feel like you've been putting your life on hold for me."

  "Have I ever complained about it?"

  "No. But you're not the complaining type."

  He took a sip of the wine. "I complain plenty. Ask Rob."

  She rolled her eyes. "That's work. You never complain to me."

  "Maybe it's because you don't give me anything to complain about." This wasn't at all what he thought they were going to talk about. "What's on your mind, Ellie?"

  She shrugged and scooted a ravioli around on her plate. "I just feel like I've been holding you back."

  "So, that's what this dinner is for? To tell me about the guilt you've been feeling? Because if it is, I have to tell you, I thought we were gonna have an entirely different conversation."

  "I know. I abruptly shifted the conversation."

  He laid his napkin on the table, his voracious appetite suddenly gone. "Why?"

  "Because I'm scared."

  He gave her a direct look. "What are you scared about?"

  "I'm scared about what I'm feeling. I feel so conflicted. I have equal parts desire and guilt."

  Her admission felt like a gut punch, but if he was going to be in this, he had to let her say what she felt. "Because of John."

  She gave a quick nod. "I know it's stupid because he's been gone for almost five years, but I can't help it."

  "Your feelings aren't stupid. No one knows more than I do how much you loved my brother."

  "Logically I know it's time to let it go. My mind and my body keep telling me it's time."

  "But?"

  "I don't know. It feels like if I let him go, then he's gone forever."

  He took her hands in his. "That's never going to happen. You have Henry. You have me. You know how I felt about my brother, Ellie. We're always going to keep his memory alive."

  Ellie knew that Nick was right, and of course, here she was, on a night that was supposed to be about Nick and her, talking about her dead husband.

  Tears pricked her eyes. "I'm getting this all wrong."

  Nick pushed back from his chair and came over to her, kneeling down next to her. "What are you getting wrong?"

  "I had planned this whole night for us. To be alone, to find out if you and I..."

  She couldn't finish because Nick had smoothed his hand over her hair and she lost the ability to breathe. He'd casually touched her so many times over the years, holding her hand in times of comfort, putting his arm around her while joking. But this--this was different. Because now she felt differently about him.

  "If you and I could what?"

  She
half turned in the chair and laid her hands on his face. "If we could do this."

  She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, knowing the moment wasn't right, that they'd just been talking about John. Nick would probably be insulted. Or repulsed.

  Instead, he stood and pulled her out of the chair, wrapping his arms around her to kiss her back with an intensity that made it seem as if time had stopped.

  And suddenly the conversation shifted, only there wasn't conversation. There were only lips and tongues, heavy breathing and exploring hands. Nick's hand roamed over her back, drawing her closer against him, and it was everything she'd wanted--needed--for so long.

  It was only Nick in her head, in her thoughts. It was only Nick that she needed as she molded her body against his, as she whimpered for more of the hot neediness of his mouth against hers.

  A flame had started inside of her. She couldn't pinpoint when it had begun, but now it had ignited, and only Nick could quench the fire that burned within her.

  So when he gentled the kiss and pulled his mouth from hers, she let out a whimper of protest.

  "About that conversation..." he said, swiping his fingers across her collarbone.

  The movement gave her goose bumps. She could already envision his hands on her naked body, touching her everywhere. She hadn't been touched that way in so long. She almost cried with the need for it.

  She shook her head. "No more talking."

  She took his hand and led him from the dining room down the hall to her bedroom. Normally she shut the door for privacy, but they were alone tonight, so she left the door open.

  "Unzip my dress?" she asked.

  He came up behind her, swept her hair to the side, and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck.

  There went those goose bumps popping up again.

  She felt his fingers at the zipper.

  "Are you sure about this, Ellie?" His whispered breath was warm against her skin, making her tingle all over.

  "Yes. Absolutely sure."

  She craned her neck to look back at him. "Are you sure?"

  She felt the squeeze of his fingers on her shoulders, then turned her around and kissed her. The kiss was passionate, demanding, breath-stealing. When he pulled back, his eyes were dark with passion. "I've never wanted anything so goddamn much in my entire life."

  She shuddered in a breath and turned back around again. "Then unzip my dress."

  They weren't listening to music. The TV wasn't on in the other room. All she could hear was Nick breathing and the sound of her zipper as he slowly drew it down. It gave her comfort to hear Nick's breaths, to know that his heavy breathing meant he felt something, that this wasn't easy on him, because it sure wasn't easy for her. She was pent up, loaded with anxiety that was part disbelief that she was actually doing this, the other part excitement and hoping they could get to the good stuff in a hurry.