Wishful Thinking

by Evangeline Anderson

Kel—”

  “Please! That is enough!” thundered the director of HR. “Kelli, will you please shut up!” The moment the words left his lips, he looked as though he wanted to pull them back, but of course it was too late. There was a muted gasp from the others in the room, but no one said anything.

  Phil cleared her throat as her coworker sank back into her chair in sulky silence. “Mister Dickson, maybe you can see my point now,” she said quietly.

  The director of HR glared at her. “You will kindly keep your comments to yourself until I ask for them, Ms. Swann,” he said icily. “At any rate, now that Kelli has had her say—”

  “I was just getting started,” Kelli muttered, but Herbert Dickson went on as though he hadn’t heard her.

  “Now that Kelli has had her say,” he continued, “I think someone else might like to say how they felt when you abused them.”

  Phil opened her mouth to object to the word “abused” when Alison raised her hand.

  “I’ll say how I felt, Mister Dickson,” she said, giving him a big-eyed look that was guaranteed to melt any man on the planet.

  “Very well.” He smiled at her. “We’ll continue with you, Alison. Now I believe that Ms. Swann, er…criticized your wardrobe choices.”

  “She called me a slut,” Alison said, glaring at Phil. “And I resent that because…” She paused, her mouth working but nothing coming out.

  “Because…?” Herbert Dickson prompted.

  “Because…” Alison had a strange look on her face—a look that might have been terror. “Because I am a slut,” she said at last, all in one breath. “But that’s only because my father never loved me. He…he…he abandoned me and my mother when I was only five and ever since I’ve been looking for a man who’ll love me the way he should’ve.” Her eyes widened. “Oh my God, that’s what my therapist says anyway. That I confuse sex and love and that I use sex as a weapon. But…” She shook her head. “But why am I saying this?”

  “I, er…don’t exactly know. But if you’re quite finished—” the HR director said.

  “He says that I sleep with men in power to try and get back at my father. And that I make them buy me expensive gifts to punish him for never caring about me. Like the Mercedes that Atwood bought me.” Alison slapped a hand over her mouth and Phil had the pleasure of seeing her smug boss look distinctly uncomfortable.

  “Now, Alison, you know I never—” he began.

  “People, people!” Herbert Dickson pounded on his desk. “Let us get back to the subject at hand. Now I think Alison is quite finished. So we need to move on to, uh… Counselor Miles.” He cleared his throat and looked expectantly at Davis Miles. “Davis, isn’t it true that yesterday in the break room, Ms. Swann propositioned and sexually harassed you?”

  “I…I…yes, in a way.” Miles shrugged unhappily. “But…but what she said was actually mild compared with what Alison does,” he continued, getting red in the face. “I mean, Alison is constantly in my personal space and hanging all over me. Once I walked into my office to find her leaning over my desk with her skirt pulled up. She…she begged me to spank her and she called me Daddy!”

  “People, please!” The director of HR was staring at them helplessly.

  “What?” Alison shrieked. “Davis, how dare you say that?”

  “I’m saying it because it happened. And because I’m sick of it. Why don’t you leave me alone, Alison? What do you want from me?”

  “What do you think I want from you?” she snarled. “You’re the hottest attorney in the office and you’re bound to make partner in the next five years. I want you to marry me and take me away from all this. My therapist says I’m projecting my dreams of a perfect man on you and that I should give it up but I don’t want to. I want to be rescued, damn it!”

  “Well find someone else to rescue you!” Davis Miles roared. “I don’t want to be your white knight! I have no interest in you at all because I’m gay!”

  There was sudden and complete silence in the office and then everyone started talking at once. Herbert Dickson pounded on his desk with both fists. “Stop it! Everyone just stop talking!” When everyone had quieted down, he stood up and leaned over his desk, glaring at all of them like naughty school children. “People,” he said, breathing heavily. “May I remind you what we are here for? Please keep your remarks relevant to the matter at hand. Now if we may continue…”

  “I’ll go next.” Atwood Dickson stood up with a swagger. Clearly he wanted to have his say and get out of the room.

  “Atwood, please, I really don’t think—” Herbert Dickson began, but Phil’s boss ignored him.

  “I had a yearly review with Philomena—Ms. Swann—yesterday in my office. I told her I had received some very troubling reports and offered her several options—”

  “You mean when you offered to give me a clean report if I slept with you?” Phil demanded.

  Her boss’s face got beet red. “I never…I never…” He stuttered and stammered but the wish was working overtime in the enclosed space of the office and he couldn’t finish the lie.

  “Ms. Swann, may I remind you that I will ask for your comments when I want them?” Herbert Dickson asked, glowering at her.

  “And may I remind you, Mister Dickson, that this is supposed to be a HR review, not a character assassination,” Phil retorted, fisting her hands in her lap. Her heart was thudding against her ribs but she was damned if she’d sit still and listen to her repulsive boss put his own spin on things. “For literally years I have put up with all kinds of disgusting behavior from Atwood Dickson and yesterday I got sick of it! He’s constantly making lewd remarks to me and trying to touch me in inappropriate ways and when he practically threatened to fire me yesterday if I didn’t go to bed with him, I—”

  Her boss’s face had been getting redder and redder until he looked ready to explode. “Well, it’s not like I would have actually screwed you, you little bitch!” he exploded. “After all, I haven’t had an erection with a real woman for the last six months.”

  “What?” Herbert Dickson was as surprised as the rest of the people in the room, Phil included, to hear this little fact. But judging from the look on his face, none of them was as shocked as Atwood was to be telling it.

  “That’s right,” he blustered, unable to stop. “I’m impotent when it comes to having sex with a real live woman. The only way I can come is if I’m jerking off to the computer.”

  “Atwood, I really think you’d better stop,” Herbert Dickson commanded, in vain.

  “Because…because…” Atwood Dickson’s face was now brick red and Phil wondered if he was going to have a stroke. “Because I’m addicted to hentai. Furry hentai.”

  “Huh?” Phil, Miles, Alison, and Herbert Dickson said in unison.

  “Furry hentai?” Kelli grimaced. “I know what he’s talking about. It’s these little Japanese cartoon porn thingies—they look like animals only with human faces and …other parts.” She shivered. “They scare the crap out of me.”

  “Eww, Atwood.” Alison made a face. “Is that what those little things were? I always wondered why you wanted to look at the computer all the time instead of me. I mean, if I say so, I look a lot better naked than some hairy animal.”

  “That’s certainly a matter of opinion,” Davis Miles muttered.

  “How dare you? I have never…”

  Phil wrapped her arms around her waist as her coworkers went off to the races again. She wasn’t sure if she ought to feel glad or upset. She settled for being quiet.

  “People! People!” Herbert Dickson roared. He had to bang on his desk for almost five minutes before the talk subsided this time. At last, all eyes were fixed on him in sullen silence.

  “May I remind you…” The director of HR was breathing hard and looking very red in the face himself. “May I remind you that this is not the place to air your dirty laundry. And speaking of laundry, may I further state that I…I…” His face worked as though he was fighting to find the righ
t words to continue—or as though he was trying not to continue at all. “I—I am currently wearing women’s underwear.”

  Phil’s mouth fell open as another breathless silence descended on the room. But the head of HR wasn’t done yet.

  “A nice black lace bra and panty set.” His narrow face grew pale as he talked. “It makes me feel so sexy to know I have it on under my suit and none of you knows about it…”

  “Well, we know about it now!” Kelli yelled. “And we know Davis is gay, and that Alison is a slut—well, we already knew that—but now we know she has an Electra complex too, and where her Mercedes came from. And we know Atwood likes to look at furry cartoons having sex and you’re a cross-dresser… And I thought being afraid of clowns was bad.”

  “Enough!” Herbert Dickson gasped. His formerly red face was now so white Phil thought he looked like a ghost. “I…I don’t know what’s going on here,” he almost moaned. “But this…this review session is adjourned.”

  “What about me?” Phil stood up. “Am I free to go and resume my duties without further harassment?”

  “Yes, yes…just go. Hell, take the rest of the day off—just get out of here!” The Director of HR looked like he was going to be sick.

  With a last backward glance at her squabbling coworkers, Phil opened the heavy wooden door and fled the HR director’s office. Her review had not gone as planned.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Just as she was gathering her things to leave the office, her phone rang. Phil almost didn’t answer it but then she saw the tech department’s extension lit up.

  “Hello?” She picked up and hunched over the phone, anxious to avoid any further confrontations with passing coworkers.

  “Swann?” Josh’s deep voice was filled with concern. “How did it go?”

  “Oh, I…” Phil wished she could tell her best friend all about the crazed scene in the HR review, but how could she possibly explain it? “It went better than I thought,” she finally said. “I still have a job, anyway. In fact, I get the rest of the day off.”

  “Huh, same as yesterday.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “Sounds like you plan to make a habit of working half days, there Swann. Some people get all the breaks.”

  “Yeah—some break. You should have seen it in there—it was a zoo. But hey, how about you? How’s the server problem?” Phil felt guilty. In the confusion of the HR review, she had almost forgotten about her friend’s predicament.

  “Well as a matter of fact, you may be talking to one of the most brilliant men in the country—nay, dare I say it? The entire world.”

  “You fixed the shit out of it, huh?”

  “I fixed the shit out of it. It turned out to be a really simple error and I just didn’t see it at first because I was looking for something big so…” Josh rattled on in technical jargon that went over her head, and Phil listened, a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. It was wonderful to hear Josh in high spirits again, wonderful to share his triumph and have him share hers.

  “I’m so happy for you,” she said, when he came to the end. “I mean, I have no idea what you just told me but it all sounds wonderful.”

  “Wonderful? Hell yeah, it’s wonderful.” Josh sounded like he was grinning. “And it means we’re back on for our original plans—we can go suit shopping together. In fact, why don’t we both make it a half day and go now? Now that everything’s fixed, no one will miss me and to be honest, I really need to get out of here.”

  “Oh, um…” Phil wasn’t sure that being alone with her best friend was a good idea. She had just seen the devastating power of her reverse wish in action not ten minutes before. What she really needed was to go home and start yanking on her earlobe to get her fairy godmother’s attention again.

  “Hey, you promised me if I made good on the server that I’d get to see you in a polka-dot bikini, or something equally embarrassing,” Josh protested. “You chickening out on me, Swann?” He started making clucking noises on the other end of the phone that made her laugh.

  “No, I’m not chickening out.” Suddenly Phil decided she didn’t care. She’d had a horrible morning and she deserved some time off with her friend. There would be time to contact the fairy godmother later. The wish was working when I saw him in the hall this morning, she reminded herself. And the worst thing he said to me was that I was beautiful and he liked holding me in his arms. So how bad can it be?

  “So you’ll go?” Josh sounded hopeful. “’Cause I don’t mind telling you, I really want to get out of here for today.”

  “Not only will I go,” Phil promised recklessly. “I’ll try on the teeny-weeniest, polka-dotted-est bikini we can find. How’s that?”

  Josh took a deep breath on the other end of the phone. “That’s a deal. Look, I just have a few more things to finish up here and then I can go. You want to wait or you want to meet me at the mall?”

  “Meet you in the food court at Citrus Park,” Phil said without hesitation. No way was she hanging around BB&D for a second longer. “I’ll get us both a smoothie. No lunch until after shopping though. You can’t try on bathing suits on a full stomach.”

  “I bow to your superior wisdom, oh goddess of fashion,” Josh said dryly. “Make mine a peanut butter banana one. I have a feeling I’m going to need my strength.”

  “Great. See you there.” Phil hung up the phone and made her escape.

  Citrus Park was a nice, middle of the road mall that was swanky enough to have a Saks but still down to earth enough to have a huge Old Navy outlet in it as well. It was only five minutes from BB&D and Phil had spent many a lunch hour there window shopping with her best friend. Josh was the perfect shopping companion because he didn’t start whining about going home to watch the game five minutes after they walked into the mall. He also didn’t mind giving his opinion on something she wanted to buy instead of just saying, “I don’t know—they all look the same! Are you almost done?” which was the answer she most often got from Christian.

  The only time Josh had ever refused her was when Phil had tried to get him to have a pedicure with her. “No, Swann,” he’d told her firmly. “I’m your best friend but not your girl friend. I’m not going to get my toenails painted Tahitian pink so we can go shoe shopping together and squeal over adorable sandals. A man has to know when to draw a line in the sand and my line is right here, in front of the Pretty Pedi Day Spa.” Phil had laughed so hard smoothie almost came out of her nose, and relented on the pedicure.

  At the entrance of the food court a man was handing out bite-sized samples of éclair. Phil took one happily and tossed it in the nearest trash can. She felt light and happy and free, despite the fact that her birthday wish still wasn’t right. She’d gotten through the dreaded HR review without a scratch, and she’d just gotten rid of her daily éclair with no problem at all. Yes, life was good.

  She had just finished ordering one peanut butter banana smoothie and one raspberry swirl, her favorite, when she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see her best friend grinning at her.

  “Josh! That was fast.” She smiled. “Here, just let me…” She reached in her purse for some money but he put up a hand.

  “I’ve got it.” He pulled some bills out of his wallet and handed them to the pimply-faced college student across the counter. “You don’t have to do that,” Phil protested. “I wanted it to be my treat.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” A smiled tugged at the corners of his full mouth. “And if you want to treat me, just keep your promise and try on the teeniest bikini you can find. I’m really looking forward to seeing you with next to no clothes on. I mean, uh…wow, that wasn’t very cool.” His ears went pink with embarrassment. “Sorry, Phil—open mouth, insert foot, I guess. I really didn’t mean to…” He looked puzzled and Phil realized he was probably trying to figure out why he’d said something so inappropriate out loud. It was her wish at work again but she was determined not to let it ruin the rest of her day.

  “
No big. Actually, I’m looking forward to seeing you in your skivvies too,” she said lightly, defusing the situation. “But if I would’ve known you were going to be so close behind me I wouldn’t waited for you in the BB&D parking lot.”

  “Couldn’t get out of that place quick enough.” He made a shrugging motion with his broad shoulders, as though throwing off some invisible weight. “Yeesh—I thought Dickhead Senior was gonna blow a blood vessel. If I didn’t pop one first, that was.”

  “Well, it’s over now.” Phil took a sip of her smoothie and smiled at him. “And you don’t have to see him again until…well, until tomorrow. But at least you’ll get to see him in a swimsuit. I know that’s going to improve your morale.”

  “You know it.” Josh took a sip of his own smoothie and threw an arm around her shoulder companionably. “Speaking of which, oh fashion guru, where are we going to start looking for the perfect suit?”

  Phil put her arm around his waist and smiled up at him. “Maybe RipTide. Last time Cass and I were here they had plenty of nice looking suits that didn’t cost an arm and a leg.”

  “RipTide it is. Lead the way.” They ambled away from the food court at a leisurely pace, sipping their smoothies. This time of the day there were almost no customers at the mall. Citrus Park had an open design with skylights overhead so that they walked through patches of slanting sunlight in comfortable silence with the ubiquitous mall Muzak playing in the background.

  Phil was glad that the wish to speak her mind was no longer in effect because she would have had to tell her friend how nice it felt to be close to him, to feel his arm around her shoulders and smell his warm, spicy scent. In fact, it surprised her a little how much she liked being close to Josh when she had never thought about it much before her birthday. Thoughts of Christian and whether or not they were still engaged threatened to intrude, but she resolutely put them out of her mind and decided to enjoy herself.

  “Well, here we are,” Josh said, breaking the silence and interrupting Phil’s guilty thoughts.

  “Uh-huh.” She threw her mostly empty cup in the trash and Josh did the same. “Well, let’s see what we can find.”