Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  Chapter 27

  After faking an illness to avoid my husband, I woke up the next morning feeling like crap. I think between all of the crying and honest to goodness guilt and worry, I’d come down with a cold. My nose was stopped up and my head was pounding.

  I was determined and my health wasn’t going to keep me from doing what had to be done.

  Nothing was going to stop me from hunting down Brooks and forcing him to listen to me. I couldn’t let him be so close to me without reaching out.

  After calling Sarah and telling her a huge lie as to why I needed a sitter, I was dropping off B and heading to Columbia, where the Fort Jackson barracks were located.

  I didn’t know what I was going to say, or if he’d even be there, but I had to try.

  I’d made it one mile outside of town before I had to turn off the radio. Every song reminded me of the pain that I caused myself and possibly Brooks. I knew he must hate me and even if those feelings stood, I had to apologize. He had to know how sorry I was for breaking his heart and lying to him.

  When I pulled up at the barracks I was stopped by a guard that wanted to know my business for being there. Since I only had a name and nothing else, I pleaded my case, as if it were life and death.

  “I’m here to see a soldier named Brooks Valentine.”

  “Is he expecting you?”

  “No.”

  “I’m sorry ma’am, but this is a restricted area. I suggest you get in contact with him and have him put you on the visitor’s list.”

  “You don’t understand. I have to get to him. I have to talk to him. My life depends on it.”

  “Ma’am, are you in some kind of trouble?”

  I started crying. “Please. You don’t have to let me through, but can you at least ask him to come out to meet me? Just tell him Katy Michaels is here to see him.”

  The man rolled his eyes and went inside of his little booth, where he comically shared my desperate situation with his partner.

  I felt violated, like they were trampling on my already fragile heart.

  Thankfully, I watched him make a call. I sat there biting my nails, refusing to take no for an answer when he came back and told me Brooks wasn’t coming out.

  As he approached my vehicle, I thought I was going to throw up in his face. My nerves were making my stomach queasy and even though I was sitting, I felt lightheaded.

  He handed me a paper to put on my dashboard and a visitor badge to wear on my shirt. “Take this road until you come to a stop. Make that first left and pull into the second building. He said he’ll come outside to meet you.”

  His words were ringing in my ears. After all the time that had passed I was going to see Brooks. My Brooks that I thought had been killed. My Brooks, that I never stopped loving, not even for a second.

  I followed his directions and parked in a vacant spot. Soldiers marched around in the grass and I focused on them instead of the door where he’d be coming out of. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it, in fear of passing out.

  My hands were shaking and the bile was in my throat. I had to close my eyes to breathe without straining.

  Then I heard his boots hit the pavement when he walked. They crunched against the little gravel pebbles and I knew he was standing there outside my window.

  I couldn’t, for the life of me, turn to look at him. I knew his beautiful face was looking in waiting for me and I couldn’t do it. I was so afraid of so many things, but mostly I was afraid to look at him and accept that I’d been wrong.

  He wasn’t just alive. He’d come for me and I’d destroyed him once again.

  When I felt like I was going to start the car and pull out without explanation, he startled me by climbing into the passenger seat. My heart was beating out of my chest and even without looking at him, I began to sob. I could smell him and I knew he was real; so real that I could reach over and touch him.

  Brooks was alive and he was sitting in my car. “Kat, look at me.”

  His words.

  His voice.

  It was all I could think about as I turned and looked right into the eyes of the most beautiful, perfect man in the world. “Brooks.”

  He smiled and reached over to wipe away my tears. “Don’t cry. I can’t handle it.”

  I cried worse. “I just got your letter. The last one you sent. It must have gotten lost.”

  He put his fingers over my lips. “Like the letters you wrote to me, telling me you were married with a kid?”

  And there it was.

  The reason why I hadn’t heard from him.

  He knew the truth and it was the reason that he wasn’t beating down my door looking for me. I looked at the steering wheel and covered my face. “I’m so sorry, Brooks. I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I never expected that you’d still love me and when I found out you did, nothing else mattered except for you and me.”

  I couldn’t look at him.

  “Kat, Do you have any idea what I had to do to get stationed near you? It was a pain in the ass and involved a lot of ass kissing. I figured that it didn’t matter as long as I had you. We could get married and live on or off a base somewhere, and maybe even have a couple of kids. Do you have any idea how it felt to pull up at your house and see you with them? At first I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe you were living with friends. Then when that cop called and told me that you and your husband were concerned, I knew my fears were true.”

  “I’m sorry.” It was all I could say, but my voice was pleading. “You don’t understand what happened to me.”

  Finally, I had to face him. I couldn’t let this be our goodbye and not take in every inch of him. “How long have you been married, Kat?”

  My bottom lip quivered as I looked into those blue eyes. If only I had the strength to tell him about B. He’d understand why I couldn’t do it on my own. “Two years,” I whispered.

  Brooks stared at me, peering into my soul for explanations that I wasn’t ready to give. “Jesus Christ. Did you even mean the things you said to me, or were they all just bullshit?”

  “Everything I said was the truth and you know it!”

  He looked out the window and I saw him clenching his jaw, like he did when he was angry. “I wish I could believe that.”

  I felt like I was losing him over and over again and no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it. I reached for his hand. It was in a splint and I knew he was the man I’d seen at the parade. I hadn’t been imagining that he was real. Brooks was really there, right in front of my face the whole time.

  As our fingers touched an electric shock ran through me. I knew he felt it. He turned to look my way and sighed. “I can feel your touch. It’s gotten worse. The feeling comes and goes. If it keeps up I’m going to fail my next PT-test and then I’ll be up shit’s creek.”

  I watched his face full of anger turn to pain.

  “You’re the only man that I’ve ever truly loved, Brooks. Look at me and tell me that I’m lying.” I peered into those baby blues, baring my soul to him.

  “It changes nothing. I won’t be a home wrecker. You never really belonged to Branch, but the man you’re married to doesn’t deserve to get his heart ripped out. If he loves you half as much as I do, that’s what will happen. I can’t live with myself for doing that. As much as it hurts me to say this, I’ve got to walk away from you, for good this time.”

  I cried more, silently pleading with myself to tell him the truth.

  We sat there, in my car, staring at each other in silence. So many mistakes, so much lost time had come between us for too long. I wasn’t ready to give up.

  He put his hand on the door to open it and I watched him starting to climb out. He turned back and had real tears falling down his face. “Take care of yourself, Kat. Be a good mother and wife. Give them the love that we have and you’ll be happy. I know you will.”

  He climbed out and started walking toward the building. I was hysterical and didn’t know what to say or do, but letting h
im walk away from me wasn’t an option.

  I jumped out of the car and ran toward him, grabbing the back of his fatigues. “Don’t you dare walk away from me. I won’t let you say goodbye this time.”

  People around us were starting to give dirty looks as they walked by and I knew Brooks didn’t want them seeing him emotional. He pulled me inside of the building, past a few desks and into an office, before shutting the door.

  He paced around the room, while I stood there crying. Then he sat down on the other side of the desk and motioned for me to sit down. A box of tissues was on it and I helped myself. “Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away.” I cried harder. “I can’t live without you. I don’t even want to.”

  He leaned over the desk. “Listen to yourself. You have a child. How can you say that without me you don’t want to live? Do you know what I would give to have a wife and a child? After everything I’ve seen, all I want is to care for the people I love.”

  “You don’t understand.” I shook my head, unable to say the words.

  He stood up and leaned in closer to me. “Then tell me. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t watch you drive home to your family and never look back.”

  “I can’t. You’ll never forgive me. I’ve ruined everything. I’m so sorry, Brooks. Please don’t say goodbye. Don’t give up on us.”

  He put his head down. “Katy, I can’t do this with you. I’m already going to hear shit for you coming here. This is a serious place and I have a damn job to do. This isn’t high school anymore. I can’t deal with the drama and I won’t be involved with a married woman. Please, if you have nothing else to say then you have to go.”

  “What about our love?” I was so desperate.

  “Our love has never been our problem.”

  I hated that he refused to look at me. No matter how I tried to rationalize why I couldn’t tell him the truth about B, I knew that it was the only way that I wouldn’t lose him forever.

  Without considering what it would do to Bobby, to B and to the life that I had, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and opened them back up to be staring at him. “She’s yours, Brooks.”

  “What?” He seemed confused.

  “My daughter. My husband isn’t the father, Brooks, you are.”

  Chapter 28

  I could see the flash of pain and despair across his face. “Come again?”

  I was sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that he was going to hate me even worse. “She’s yours.”

  “Why would you say that to me? We spent one night together in a hotel room.”

  I wiped my eyes with the tissue. “Because I hadn’t been with Branch since before I had my last cycle. My doctor, who gave me the exact date of conception, also verified it. She’s yours, Brooks.”

  I reached into my purse and pulled out my new cell phone that was full of photos of B. “See for yourself.”

  Brooks yanked my phone out of my hand and looked at the first picture. He sat down in his chair, but never took his eyes off of the screen.

  “Her name is Brooklyn Micheala Valentine. I named her after you.”

  He sat my phone down and covered his face with his hands. “Kat, I think you need to leave. Please, just fucking go. Get out of here!”

  When he finally looked at me I could tell that he was conflicted. “Don’t you want to hear about her?”

  His eyes were red and filled with tears. “How could you keep this from me and our family? God, how could you do this to me? She’s got to be two by now. You’re telling me that I’ve had a child for two years and never known? You were pregnant for nine months and never thought to get in touch with me? I would have taken care of you. I would have wanted to know and you should be ashamed for not telling me.”

  I fell to my knees, unable to express my sincere apologies to him. There was nothing that I could say to make it better. I knew that if this day ever came, it would crush him. Why I thought it was alright to hide it from him was beyond me.

  I couldn’t answer.

  He tossed my phone on the floor in front of me. “Get out of my face, before I say something I’ll regret.”

  I ran out of the building completely shattered. For what it was worth, Brooks knew the truth. He was alive and out of danger. Even if he never wanted to talk to me again, at least I could be at peace knowing that.

  I don’t remember my drive to pick up B. Sarah asked a million questions, trying to find out what was going on. Finally, I knew I had to tell someone. “It’s Brooks. He’s alive.”

  She looked at me. “Say what?”

  “He’s alive. He was reassigned. That’s why I never heard from him. He came here to be with me and found out I was married.”

  Sarah put her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God. Is that where you went today? Did you go and see him?”

  I nodded and cried harder “Yes. I’m sorry for lying to you. I couldn’t risk Bobby finding out.”

  Sarah put her hands on her hips. “What are you going to do, Katy? Are you going to leave Bobby and rip that little girl right out from under him?”

  I don’t know why I was angry at Sarah’s question. She’s seen what Bobby and I had gone through. She of all people knew how much he loved B. Brooks was a stranger who seemed to be a threat. “No. Even if that’s what I wanted, Brooks doesn’t. He said he can’t even look at me.”

  I couldn’t talk because I was freaking out.

  Sarah wrapped her arms around me. “You didn’t tell him about B did you?”

  I pulled away and couldn’t answer her. The truth was written all over my face. Her mouth dropped and she gasped. “Tell me you didn’t, Katy.”

  “I had to. He deserved to know.”

  Sarah was angry with me. She wasn’t hiding it either. “So now you’re goin’ to go home and tell Bobby, aren’t you?”

  I threw up my arms. “I don’t have choice. I know Brooks and he’s not going to ignore the fact that she’s his. He deserves to know her. I am the one that kept the truth from him.”

  “Katy, I don’t think you’re realizing the impact that this has on all of us. What are you going to do if he wants to take her from you? Have you even considered that he has a right to do that? He’s listed as her father on that birth certificate, so you need to be prepared for what comes next. I’ve seen mothers lose their children. You won’t be able to handle it, not after everything you’ve done for that child on your own.”

  I shook my head. “He wouldn’t do that to me. You don’t know him. Brooks would never hurt me. He’s not capable of it. No matter how mad he is, he’s always protected me.”

  She shook her head. “You’re living in a dream world. You aren’t children. People change.”

  The idea of Brooks hurting me worse was horrifying. I couldn’t fathom something like that happening. For the second time in one day I’d been accused of acting like I was an adolescent. “He’s been my best friend since I was born. I think I know him a little better than you.”

  Sarah wasn’t being my friend, no matter how hard I tried to convince her. “You should probably tell Bobby tonight. Something like this can’t be ignored. You of all people should know what withholding the truth can do to someone.”

  Her flippant comment stabbed me right in the heart. Apparently, I was the worst living person on the planet.

  B smiled and giggled as I drove home, barely able to see the lines on the road. When I pulled into the driveway I saw that Bobby was home and he wasn’t alone.

  Brooks’ truck, the one that had been parked outside of our house for all those days, was parked next to his. I could barely open the car door fast enough to start vomiting. To say that I was under the most pressure of my life would have been an understatement.

  I finally managed to get B out of her car seat and she went running toward the door. I frantically chased after her, knowing that Bobby wasn’t going to be okay with whatever was going on. As much as Brooks had every right to know his daughter, I needed time to explain it to Bobby to make
him understand that I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t keep the truth any longer and now that he knew, we were going to have to let him get to know her.

  I opened the door and she went running in, finding both men sitting at the kitchen table across from one another.

  One look at Bobby and I knew he was falling apart inside. He also knew that I’d most likely lied to him about being sick and that finding out Brooks was alive had changed everything.

  I didn’t know what to say as I looked from one man to the other.

  Bobby finally spoke. “Brooks was here when I pulled up. He told me about your visit today and I thought it seemed right that we all get everything out in the open.”

  I looked over at Brooks, who had both eyes on the mirror image of him that was standing across the room acting shy. I’d never seen him so emotional, but he looked over at Bobby and asked, “Is it okay if I say hello?”

  The excruciating reality of what I’d done to him was utterly horrifying. Bobby nodded, with eyes glossed over. “She’s your daughter, too.”

  The moment Brooks got on his knees and waved to her, Bobby lost it. He got up with his face covered and walked into the other room. I knew he wanted to be alone, to cry in private. I should have run after him and pleaded with everything I had in me for him to forgive me. He didn’t deserve to be hurt in all of this.

  All I could do was stand there, watching my daughter, my precious little miracle, meeting her father and my soul mate for the first time.

  B was reluctant at first, but after a few seconds she walked right up to him and touched his face. I continued standing there mesmerized with their instant connection, as if she knew he was someone important to her.

  Then Brooks began to sob. He pulled our daughter into his arms and squeezed her tight against his body. I could see his chin shaking and could only imagine how left out he felt.

  I got down on my knees beside him and reached for him, but he wouldn’t look at me. He was too focused on her and I was okay with that. I kept my hand on his shoulder as I spoke. “I know you’ll never forgive me, Brooks. I never meant to hurt you, I swear.”