Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  He turned with her still resting her head on his chest. “How could you keep her from me? Why, Kat?”

  I had to leave the room.

  Already feeling worthless, I found Bobby sitting on the end of our bed. He was staring at the wall, unable to look up when I entered. I sat down next to him and reached for his hand.

  He pulled away. “Don’t, Katy.”

  I cried more, not because I wanted sympathy, but because I felt wretched for what I done to both of these men out of my own selfishness. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he’d come here.”

  He peered over at me. “You didn’t know? You practically invited him here, Katy. My God, how could you go behind my back and do somethin’ like this?”

  “I thought he was dead. You know how much that hurt me. I didn’t go there to be with him. I went there to see it for myself. The truth came out and I’m sorry if it hurt you, but if you were in his shoes wouldn’t you want to know? He deserves to be a part of that child’s life.”

  Bobby was angry and if I hadn’t known Brooks was only a few rooms over, I would have feared for my safety. I could see the pain mixed with anger in his eyes and that was a potion for disaster. “I’m your husband and you went behind my back again. Do you know how it made me feel to see him walkin’ up those steps? For all I knew, he was dead. How long have you known?”

  I put my head down. “I got a letter yesterday that had gotten lost from February. It said he was being moved to Fort Jackson. During the parade on the fourth, I thought I saw him. You have to understand, I just needed to know for sure. I had to see him in the flesh.”

  “Did you fuck him while you were there, or was he too smart to fall into your slutty two-timing ideas?”

  I don’t know whether I deserved sympathy, but I certainly didn’t deserve to be called names. I didn’t go to see Brooks to jump into bed with him. I definitely hadn’t gone there to ruin my husband’s life. “Don’t say that.”

  Bobby started to cry. “Darlin’, I’m sorry. That man in there may not have deserved to have the truth held from him, but at least he didn’t have to live in fear that one day she’d be ripped out of his arms.”

  I fell on the bed, unable to respond. It felt like the air had left the room and I couldn’t catch my breath.

  I’d ruined everyone’s lives, including my own and couldn’t come up with anything to say to make things better. All I could do was sit back and watch one man fall in love with a child he never knew he had, while the other sat there watching her bond with the one person in the world that could take her away from him.

  Chapter 29

  Two hours went by and not much had changed. Bobby had left me in the bedroom for a while, to sulk in my own pitiful existence. Time wasn’t making things better for me.

  When I heard the door shut loudly, I rushed out thinking Brooks had left. Instead I saw him on the floor with B. His brows creased when he spotted me, and then just as quick he went back giving our daughter his attention.

  I knew I had to reach out to Bobby. He needed to know that I wasn’t going anywhere, not that Brooks wanted me anyway. Seeing him in so much pain had only made it easier to know that I could never take B away from him. Like it or not, Bobby was her stepfather and she loved him. He’d done nothing but love her since before she was born. I owed him so much more than he was getting.

  It took me a while, but I found him sitting outside. He was leaning forward with his head down. I squatted down in front of him and placed my hands on his legs. “Bobby, please talk to me.”

  He looked up. “What do you want me to say?”

  “Anything. Tell me you hate me. Tell me I’m the worst person in the world. Just don’t sit there saying nothing.”

  He shook his head and rubbed both of his eyes. “Darlin’, I don’t know what to say. I’m mad and I suppose in some ways I don’t even have a right to be. That man in there deserved to know the truth. I never expected to come face to face with him. I sure as hell didn’t think he’d be respectful of our marriage, but that’s exactly how he is. The first thing he said to me was that he wasn’t here to cause us problems. He said he just wanted to meet his daughter. I could see it in his eyes that he was hurtin’. As much as it killed me, I knew I had to invite him in. Seein’ them together, though, it’s tearin’ me apart. B’s goin’ to grow up, and at some point she ain’t goin’ to want to be around me anymore, not when she’s already got a real dad.”

  I watched my tough husband begin to bawl. “I just wish I could have prepared for this, Katy. I get why you didn’t say anything about the letters, but this is huge. Why would you do this to me? Haven’t I been good to you?”

  I reached for his hand and he let me hold it. “You’ve done everything for me.”

  “Then why would you promise me a future when you know it’s never goin’ to happen?”

  My throat burned, hearing him implying that we were over. “Because I meant it. We can still be a family.”

  Bobby smiled through his tears. “Baby, as much as I want to believe that, I know it ain’t true. You say one thing, but that heart of yours will never let him go.”

  I let my head fall against his legs. “You’re wrong.”

  He stood up, not even waiting for me to move. I fell down on the ground and watched as he limped toward his truck. “I’m goin’ to stay at my place tonight.”

  I got up and ran toward him. “Bobby, please don’t go. Don’t walk away. I need you.”

  I never, in my whole life pictured myself begging Bobby to stay with me, but there I was. Our bond had gotten stronger, and I wasn’t ready to lose him.

  He sat down in the driver’s seat and looked forward when he spoke. “I’ll come by in the morning.”

  I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, watching him close his pained eyes and accepting my support. “Bobby, I love you. I want you to know that.”

  He smiled. “I just need some time to think, Katy. I promise I’ll be home in the mornin’. If your friend needs to stay, you make sure he stays on that couch. I can’t promise to keep my cool if I catch him touchin’ you.”

  I shook my head, thinking he was insane for implying it. “He won’t be staying.”

  Bobby pulled out, leaving me standing in the driveway. I turned to head inside and saw Brooks through the window. He was holding B in his arms and dancing around with her. In all honestly, since I’d never thought I’d ever see the day, a part of me melted. There hadn’t been one day that went by where I didn’t think about the two of them being together. I hated that while Bobby was being torn apart, Brooks was falling in love. It wasn’t fair and I didn’t know how to make things right.

  Either way someone was going to get hurt.

  There was no happy ending in our future that I could see.

  When I headed inside, I made it a point to stay away from Brooks and B. I stood in my kitchen washing dishes, while tears poured down my cheeks. When I thought I’d run out of them, another bout would overwhelm me. I’d never felt so helpless in all of the times where I was lost.

  It got quiet and I peeked into the living room to see him rocking back and forth with her falling asleep on his shoulder.

  It was the most beautiful thing that I’d ever seen in my life.

  My new tears were pain and joy mixed together. Brooks may have hated me, but he’d finally found his purpose in his daughter. No matter where he went or who he decided to give his heart to, I knew he’d love her forever. Knowing that I gave him that helped me feel a little better.

  I ducked back into the kitchen, sitting at the table while thinking about Bobby.

  A few moments later Brooks came in and sat down across from me. He was calmer and I was afraid to speak first, in fear of pissing him off.

  “I’m sorry if I caused you problems, Kat. When you pulled away earlier, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had to see her and I wasn’t even thinking that I would be walking into what I did. He didn’t even know I was alive. My God, he looked like he was sta
ring at a damn ghost.”

  I kept looking at my hands, avoiding eye contact with him. “I’m not mad at you for coming. I don’t even think Bobby’s mad. He’s just scared.”

  Brooks crossed his arms. “Scared of what?”

  “He’s scared of losing B. He was there for me when I found out I was pregnant. He married me so that I could be on his insurance. I suppose he’s been in love with me since then, but it wasn’t until recently that we really started living as a married couple. Now out of nowhere you’re in the picture and no matter how he plays this out in his head he loses.”

  “Why would he think that? I told him that all I wanted was to have a relationship with my daughter. I stressed to him that I meant your marriage no harm. My word is the truth, Kat.”

  I rubbed my face and thought about what to say. Too much was happening all at once and I needed a breather to sort it all out in my head. “I know, but he doesn’t know you like I do.”

  “Look, I’m not here to discuss your marriage. I’m here because I have a right to see my child whenever I want. I have a right to introduce her to my family.” He pointed at me. “Let me get something clear with you right now. You will not keep me from her ever again. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded.

  “I can’t believe you did this to me. My God, why? Why would you write me those letters, professing your undying love and devotion to me, when all the while you’re hiding my child from me? How could you ever think that I would be alright with that?”

  I shook my head and scrunched up my face, fighting back tears so I could respond without being a blabbing idiot. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you. After the first letter I wanted to. I even told myself that if a second one came I was going to tell you all about her. Then you wrote me back and when I got it all I could think about was being with you again. I knew if I told you about Bobby and B it would change everything and so I got scared. The longer it went, the more scared I became until finally the letters stopped coming. Brooks, you have to believe me. I wanted you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know.”

  He ran his hands through hair. “It doesn’t even matter now, does it? We can’t go back. What’s done is done.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. I’m the devil and you wish you never grew up loving me, right?”

  “I never said that. Don’t even make this about you.”

  “It is about me, though. It’s about me and my mistakes. It’s about me holding onto some kind of false hope that someday we could ride off into the sunset with our daughter and live happily ever after.”

  Brooks chuckled and shook his head. “That’s never going to happen, Kat, not anymore.”

  I brought my legs up to my chest and rested my face on my knees. “I know.”

  I figured he’d offer some kind of truce, being that he never wanted to argue with people, but Brooks had nothing to say. I don’t know whether he was even looking at me. I kept my eyes closed and sobbed at the mess I’d made out of all of our lives. I thought about Brooks, having to explain to his parents how I’d had his child and kept it from all them. I imagined their faces when they found out, and then having even more reasons to hate my guts.

  No matter what else I focused on, my mind kept coming back to every single mistake that I’d ever made.

  Finally, after a good five minutes passed, he cleared his throat. “I better get going. I need to check in.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket. “I’ve got a lot of figuring out to do, but I’m coming by here once a day to see Brooklyn. You can choose to be here, or arrange to meet me somewhere that I can spend time alone with her. The choice is up to you.”

  He started to walk out the door and I followed him. “Brooks, wait.”

  I watched him turn around and look at me. He was hurting. I knew him well enough to see it. “Kat, don’t ask me for anything right now. You can’t just throw all this on me and expect us to go back to being the way we were. I’m really biting my tongue from saying what’s on mind. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I probably have every right to, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. Besides, I’d never want you to feel the betrayal that you’ve made me feel. So, let’s just call it a night and we’ll see if tomorrow it gets easier.”

  I closed my eyes. The thought of him hating me was like a million daggers being driven into my heart repeatedly. “For what it’s worth, I think she knows you’re important to her. I could see it when you were holding her. She’s young, Brooks. She’ll never be able to remember a time when you weren’t in her life.”

  He let out an air-filled laugh, like I wasn’t worth his time. “She may not remember, but I will. For nearly seven hundred days she’s been here on this earth and I never knew she existed.”

  I don’t know why, but I felt like I needed to defend myself. “You were in another country. Even if you knew, what were you going to do? Would you have escaped the country just to get court marshaled and ordered back? Think about it, Brooks. How hard would it have been for you knowing that I left town with only the clothes on my back? I didn’t know anyone here and then found out I was carrying the child of a man who wasn’t going to return for years. Even if I told you, what would it have changed? You missed contact with her since you got here, which has only been a couple of months, in which if I knew you were here, I would have come to you. So tell me, Brooks. Look at me and tell me how all of this is my fault. You left me too, you know. You left me before we even had a chance. No matter if I would have stayed in that hotel room with you, I would have still watched you leave for Afghanistan and that would have been even harder to do. You think I did all of this to spite you. I did it because I knew that either way I was going to lose you.”

  He got up in my face, like he did when were kids.

  “Don’t go there. You kept the secret from me.”

  “We weren’t even talking!” I reiterated.

  “Because you walked out on me, on us.”

  “Because you were too much of a pussy to admit that you were in love with me the whole time.”

  All of the sudden it got quiet. I could hear the crickets chirping as we stared right into each other’s eyes. “Katy, you knew how I felt,” he whispered.

  I shook my head. “No. I didn’t.” I threw my hands up in the air. “We’ve both made mistakes and maybe mine were worse. I can’t change the past. I can’t change that I spent years with your brother. I can’t change the fact that I ran away from what we had, and I certainly can’t change having our daughter and finding someone to take care of us when you weren’t around. You didn’t have to join the military, Brooks. You could have fought for us too.”

  He tightened his lips. “I need to leave.”

  I watched him walking toward his truck. “You were always good at walking away.”

  He turned around and got right up in my face again. “I refuse to do this with you tonight, Kat. I’m mad and I need to take some time to calm down. I have a shift in the morning, but I can be here around three. Have my daughter dressed and ready to go.”

  “You’re not taking her without me.”

  He threw his hands up. “Great! Why don’t you invite your husband so we can be one big happy family?”

  I was so frustrated with him. “I don’t know why I ever loved you!”

  He laughed. “I feel the same way.”

  It didn’t sink in that I’d said it until he was all the way down the driveway. I sat down on the step and watched him brake. I was already crying, regretting saying something so horrible to him, especially knowing that I’d never felt that way about him.

  All of the sudden he was backing up his truck and getting out. I stood up and prepared to be bitched out again. We were face to face and he was furious. “Take it back.”

  I had to keep myself from laughing at his comment. “No!”

  He scratched his head. “You see, I can’t go to bed mad, so I’m not leaving until you take it back.”

  I crossed my arms over my ches
t. “I guess you’re going to be standing here for a while then.”

  “You know, I could be a real dick right now if I wanted to be.”

  “Who said you aren’t already?”

  He laughed. “Some things never change I see.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” My hands went right to my hips.

  “You can’t lie to my face. You never could.”

  I threw both hands in the air surrendering. “Fine! I don’t wish I never loved you. Are you happy now?”

  He started walking away with a smile on his face, in the midst of still being angry with me. He never turned around when he spoke. Not that he needed to. I could hear him just fine. “Our daughter is beautiful, Kat, just like I always knew our kids would be. Have her ready tomorrow. I’ll be here at three thirty, and we’re going out, with or without you.”

  Chapter 30

  As anyone could have imagined, I didn’t get any sleep.

  I tossed and turned until my head was going to explode. When I knew my frustrations and angst had gotten the best of me, I called Bobby, hoping he would pick up.

  “Hello?” He sounded awake.

  “Please come home.”

  “Katy, it’s nearly three in the mornin’, babe. I’ll be home in a few hours. Did somethin’ happen? Are you alright?”

  It made me cry more knowing that he was concerned about me, when I should have been asking him the same thing. “I don’t even know how I am. Are you okay?”

  He sighed. “I’ve just been sittin’ up thinkin’ about things. It all still seems like it’s not real. One day he’s gone and then the next he’s at our front door. It don’t help that he appears to be a straight up nice guy. I still want to hate him, though.”

  I laughed through my tears. “I can understand why.”

  “It’s not just that he’s always been that one guy that you’ll never get over. I sat with him for a good bit and could see how torn up he was over all of this. I should have pushed you to tell him, because if I were in his shoes, I’d want to know my little girl, too.”

  I was quiet for a few minutes, already settled on the fact that I’d done all of this. Both of the men in my life were torn up and I was to blame. “Bobby, I want you to come home. You never should have left. Brooks didn’t even stay for more than an hour. He put B to sleep and said goodbye. Not that I blame him, I said some pretty shitty to things him.”