Sum of the Whole

by Brenda Murphy

  Jaya was wet and aching to be inside Sarah. I need. I want. She groaned with frustration, urgent to sink her fingers into Sarah’s velvet center. She shifted her hips and Sarah opened her legs, wrapping herself around Jaya’s thigh. She ground herself against Jaya’s leg, clutching Jaya’s shoulders tight. Jaya heard the change in Sarah’s breathing and knew she was close. Will she ask? Will she take her pleasure as she wants it? The sensation of Sarah in her arms filled her soul. It’s enough. Enough for now.

  Sarah pressed harder against Jaya’s leg and tipped her head back, eyes closed. Jaya rocked her hips, pushing back against Sarah. A shout in the distance made her stop.

  Sarah looked up, her eyes glassy with desire. “What?”

  “I heard…” Jaya released Sarah and steadied her.

  “Here, girl! Here, Sassy!”

  They broke apart. A beagle puppy jumped on Sarah. Sarah leaned down and scooped the puppy up and held her close. The owner arrived, visibly out of breath. He skidded to a stop on the gravel. A pink leash and collar dangled from his hand. Jaya blew out a breath and tried to smooth her expression.

  “Sorry. She slipped her leash. Thank you.” The man spoke to Sarah, avoiding Jaya’s eyes.

  “No worries. She’s a sweet girl.” Sarah rubbed the puppy’s head and handed the dog back to her owner. He stuffed the leash in his pocket and headed down the path. Jaya flopped on the bench and groaned. Sarah walked over and settled herself on Jaya’s lap. Scooting her hips, she pressed and rubbed against Jaya before she tucked herself into her arms. Jaya sighed and wished she could summon a djinn to spirit them away, like the stories her mother used to tell.

  “I have to teach in an hour, but I would love to continue this discussion.” Sarah kissed her way along Jaya’s neck. Jaya hugged her close.

  “Name the place.” Jaya pulled back to look in Sarah’s eyes. “And please can it be somewhere with a bed?”

  “Yes. A bed would be nice. If you don’t mind grad school chic, what are you doing tonight?”

  “Showing you how much I missed you.” Jaya pulled Sarah into a fierce kiss and Sarah melted against her.

  “If you kiss me like that again, Mistress, I’ll be late. We have to get off this bench.” She pushed herself off Jaya’s lap. Mistress. Jaya had heard the word hundreds of times over the years, but this time it was the sweetest sound she had ever heard.

  They walked back to the parking lot, hand in hand. Sarah sent her address to Jaya’s phone. Jaya had no idea what she was going to do until eight o’clock.

  SHE SKIPPED THE train, letting the long walk burn off some of her sexual energy. Her thoughts wandered between how she was going to bring herself off when she got home and what she was going to do to Sarah tonight when she got her alone without fear of interruption. She turned the corner to her building and stopped. Deidre. Deidre in Louboutin heels and a short mink coat, looking as if she’d stepped off the runway at the Crazy Horse. Deidre. At the worst possible time. Jaya clenched her fists and lowered her head as she walked to her door.

  “What—?”

  Deidre wiggled into Jaya’s arms and kissed her. She pushed her back and wiped her mouth with her hand. “The fuck, Deidre?”

  “I’ve been waiting for you.” Deidre’s blue eyes glittered under overdone lashes.

  “What the hell, Deidre? Why are you here? And why the fuck did you kiss me?” Jaya swiped at her lips again. She backed up another step, brushing her arms off as though she had run into a spider web. A spider waiting to wrap me up in lies and promises of devotion. Not this time. Deidre stepped closer.

  “I’ve missed you.” She dropped her head and turned her palms up.

  Is she going to drop to her knees in the street? A morbid thrill raced through Jaya, knowing if she said the word Deidre would do whatever she asked. Six months ago, she would have taken Deidre inside and done everything she knew would bring them both to earth-shaking climaxes. But not today. Jaya looked away from the spectacle that was Deidre. Not today.

  “You missed my money. What are you are doing here?”

  “I came to say I’m sorry and to see—” Deidre reached out and touched the edge of Jaya’s coat with her perfectly manicured fingers. “If…” She let her voice trail off.

  Jaya had seen this act before. Deidre had it practiced to perfection. A signature move; the part of her act sure to draw in every sugar mama she’d ever set her sights on. Deidre licked her lips, giving Jaya every reason she could think of to carry her inside and pour out every tormented desire she had held in check since ending it with Deidre for good six months ago. In the six years since Jaya’s time at Rowan House, Deidre had come back to her each time her latest mark’s money ran out. Jaya had taken her back each time, lying to herself, letting Deidre lie to her. She knew as long as the price was right, Deidre was game. She got off on the money; not pain, not power exchange, not the give and take of pleasure. It was cash that tripped her trigger.

  Jaya placed her hand on top of Deidre’s fingers and squeezed hard enough to make Deidre’s eyes widen.

  “No. Not today. Not ever, Deidre.” She shoved her hand away.

  “I’m not leaving town. You’ll want me again. No one can give you what I can and you know it.”

  “What’s Andrea think of this? Does she know you’re out?”

  “That’s over.” Deidre looked pained.

  An amazing actress. She would have been a star if she had decided to use her talents for good. Jaya shook her head and looked up.

  “I’d say sorry but I’m not. Andrea deserves you. I’m a little sad you’re not with her to torture her with your lies.” She punched the security code into the door. She closed it behind her, shutting Deidre out. Deidre stood on the sidewalk, staring at her through the glass. Jaya crossed her arms and stared back until Deidre turned and sauntered down the street.

  She typed a reminder into her phone to change the building’s security code on the slow elevator ride up to her apartment. As the owner, she had control of the building’s security. She didn’t bother with renting out the other units, enjoying the privacy of having the place to herself.

  Deidre had been frightened by all the empty apartments, but Jaya loved not worrying about neighbors calling the police when she had play parties and Deidre hit the high notes with her screams. She liked having safe spaces for people to crash if they needed it that were separate from her living space. Need to change the code before she remembers it. Thoughts of all the times they had played this game filled her head; all the fights and the make-up sex after. Would I be able to stop myself? Sarah could be seeing someone else. That torque. Until she was sure, Jaya didn’t want to complicate her life with Deidre no matter how much her clit argued with her. She didn’t unclench her jaw until she closed the door to her apartment.

  Any desire she had to take a little pressure off was gone. She washed her hands and splashed water on her face, trying to get the feel of Deidre off her skin. Why the fuck do I let her get to me? She brushed her teeth to get the taste of her out of her mouth. She dug her nails into her palms, letting the pain drive away the pain in her heart.

  She had known Deidre was only in it for her money after their first year together. Jaya’s desire for a willing submissive had made her an easy mark. In the beginning, she’d believed Deidre’s lies because she was a terrific actress. When it had become clear it was Jaya’s money Deidre was in love with and not Jaya, she had let her stay because it was easy. Jaya had grown tired of dating women who stiff-armed her at the first suggestion of power play or those who were willing to fake it for the right price. Deidre was a liar, but at least she got off on what they did together. Believing her lies was a price Jaya had been willing to pay.

  The electric kettle shut off and Jaya made herself a cup of tea. She stared at the photos on her refrigerator while waiting for her tea to steep. She pulled the faded picture of better days from the refrigerator door. Andrea and Deidre stood on either side of Jaya with smiles on their faces, their arms
wrapped around Jaya’s waist on the beach in front of the gray-green Atlantic Ocean. It had been taken a million years ago, when Jaya’s world revolved around assignments for her dad and partying her ass off when she was stateside. Why the hell do I keep this? She started to toss it in the trash. She traced her fingers over their faces and chewed her lower lip. Then she stuck it back under the magnet on the refrigerator. She couldn’t fault Andrea for being taken in by Deidre, but losing her best friend and her girlfriend at the same time had been unbearable.

  Taking her cup of tea, she went to her studio, hoping to shake the fear worming its way into her heart. What are you afraid of? Fucking up? Losing Sarah? You don’t even know if she’s yours.

  She stared at the drawing she had begun after seeing Sarah at the scholarship dinner. It was drawn from memory, and Jaya noted the changes she wanted to make after seeing Sarah again. She moved the sketch and taped down fresh paper. She let herself get lost in the soft scratch of the pencil on the smooth paper. Her studio was the gift she’d given herself after closing the business. She’d driven her realtor crazy trying to find a building that met Jaya’s desire for a studio with north light.

  Sarah’s face filled the paper, and Jaya imagined her fingers tracing over Sarah’s skin as her pencil swept over the curves of her cheeks and outlined her full lips. It was after three when she finished, stopping only because she was hungry. The meager offerings in her refrigerator did not appeal, and she settled for a protein shake and made another reminder in her phone to order groceries. The glowing numbers of the digital clock on her unused stove refused to move any faster no matter how hard Jaya stared at them. She tossed back the rest of her shake and rinsed the glass before tucking it into her dishwasher. With long strides, she paced her living room and stretched. She could not stop herself returning to her drawing table. Pitiful. She tossed the drawing she had been working on to the floor to join the first one and started again with fresh paper and sketched until the light faded.

  SHE STEPPED INTO the shower, letting the hot water wash away her anxiety. She was off-kilter in this new life. Her old life had been one of control and exact timing. She was on shifting sands and her mind spun out in a million directions. Why Deidre? Why now? And Sarah. My Sarah.

  She dried her hair and dressed. She chose a light blue button-down and new jeans. She had spent years dressing to meet the expectations of others; now she dressed to please herself. She threaded her favorite belt through the loops on her jeans. It was wide, black, and had the right stiffness to make it accurate if she chose to wield it. Perfect. Flogger? Cane? Crop? She touched each implement as she considered it, envisioning different scenes with Sarah. Won’t need restraints. Not with her. She closed her eyes and visions of Sarah draped over her bed, exposed and unafraid, made her wet. She closed the cabinet door. No. Something more intimate. She rested her fingertips on the small velvet box containing the emerald drop earrings she had not used on anyone since Sarah. No. Not yet. She picked up her hairbrush and tucked it into her jacket pocket as she left her dressing room.

  Chapter Ten

  SHE FORCED HERSELF to wait in the car until the time they had agreed on. Men loitered on the steps of the building next to Sarah’s apartment house. Cigarette smoke wafted between them and their voices and laughter filled the street. They stopped talking when Jaya exited the car. Her height alone was enough to draw eyes even if her brown skin was not uncommon in this neighborhood. Murmurs and a low whistle came from the group and she hurried past them, not wanting to engage and waste time. Don’t make eye contact. She stepped around a questionable puddle in front of the steps to Sarah’s building. The stoop was tidy with a plastic flowerpot filled with shabby silk flowers. She rang the bell to Sarah’s apartment and waited for her to unlock the entryway.

  The smell of fried fish and spicy cabbage filled the stairway on the three flights up to Sarah’s door. Jaya knocked on the door to Sarah’s apartment precisely at eight o’clock. Sarah opened the door wearing an aqua-blue silk robe. Her hair hung in loose curls, framing her face.

  “Come in.” Sarah stepped back to let Jaya into the apartment before locking an assortment of dead bolts on the door. “Please forgive the mess. I cleaned before I left this morning, but my roommate is under the false belief we have a maid.”

  Jaya raised an eyebrow but didn’t give voice to her concerns. The off-white walls were scuffed. The furniture was battered and books were spread over the table and floor. Through the kitchen pass Jaya could see crusty pots on the stove and dirty dishes piled in the sink.

  “No worries, Sarah. I came to see you not your apartment.”

  “I don’t have the amenities of Rowan House, but I believe you requested a bed this morning.”

  “Lead the way.” Jaya followed Sarah down the dingy, narrow hall to her room. Sarah shut the door behind them and slid a chain lock into place. Jaya raised both brows. A lock on the inside of a bedroom door always pricked at Jaya’s brain. She had many cousins who would not sleep without a lock on the inside of their doors or chairs jammed under the knob. The room was brightly lit. Sarah’s desk was clean and her books neatly arranged. Her double bed rested on a frame with the bedspread folded neatly at the foot. The wall served as the headboard.

  “May I take your coat, Mistress?” Sarah was at her elbow and Jaya shivered, remembering their first meeting when Sarah had undressed her at Rowan House.

  “Yes.”

  Sarah slipped Jaya’s jacket from her shoulders and hung it over the desk chair. Sarah turned to Jaya and kept her gaze on her face as she let her robe fall at her feet. She dropped to her knees and crawled forward until she rested her forehead on Jaya’s boots.

  “Forgive me for not greeting you as I should, Mistress.”

  “Look at me.” Jaya reached down and lifted Sarah’s chin. “Don’t apologize to me. We’ll work with what we have. Be here now. Let the outside world go.”

  “The walls are thin, Mistress.”

  Jaya tipped Sarah’s head back farther and gripped her chin, the skin blanching under her fingers. Sarah trembled and Jaya inhaled. Cinnamon and sandalwood. Fear. Excitement. Sarah. She released her chin. “I’ll take that into consideration. On the bed now. Face down. Spread yourself for me.”

  Jaya took her time undressing, watching as Sarah arranged herself. She spread her legs wide, exposing her desire. Jaya slipped her belt from her pants and folded it in half. Gripping both ends, she snapped it together and the pop of leather filled the room. Sarah’s soft moan and the gleam of wetness seeping from her soft folds told Jaya more than words ever could how much Sarah wanted what she had to give. Jaya took a breath to center herself. She had dreamed of this moment. My Sarah. Mine. She trailed the belt over Sarah’s back and ran her hand over her smooth, freckled skin.

  “Mistress?” Sarah rolled her hips and arched her back, pushing into Jaya’s hand, seeking her touch.

  “Impatient. Greedy. Girl.” Jaya pinched the skin over Sarah’s hips, punctuating each word. She ran her fingers over her inner thigh, stopping short of the softness between her legs. Another wiggle and Jaya slapped her thigh. Sarah’s sharp intake of breath washed over her, making her wet. Give me your pain. Let me hear it. Let me hear how much you missed this. Missed me.

  She stepped to the side of the bed. The low ceiling made it hard for her to take a full swing with the belt. The first blow landed in the middle of Sarah’s ass. Jaya shivered with the crack of the belt. Sarah’s guttural moan filled her ears and sent heat straight to Jaya’s core. Her nipples hardened with desire. She dragged the smooth leather belt over Sarah’s skin. She leaned over and dropped a kiss on the side of Sarah’s neck. How do I tell you how much I’ve missed you? How I ached for you?

  Sarah raised her hand and rested her palm on Jaya’s face. The air between them thick with unsaid emotion, Jaya leaned into her touch. Desire swirled around them, wrapping them in the moment. Jaya eased out of Sarah’s touch. She swept the belt over Sarah’s skin in a warning caress before she
unleashed the blows that left red stripes on her pale skin. Tears streamed down Sarah’s face and her sharp, stifled cries filled the room. Jaya varied her strokes: soft and hard, quick and slow, keeping Sarah off balance. Her cries and whimpers became soft groans. The scent of her excitement filled the room. She ground her hips into the bed and Jaya didn’t stop her, delighting in how she thrashed.

  The pop of belt hitting skin and Sarah’s groans as she received the leather kisses from Jaya’s hand filled her heart and she poured every bit of six years of longing into the spanking.

  Mine. Be mine. Thighs slick and her clit hard, Jaya dropped the belt and climbed between Sarah’s legs. She traced her fingers over the red stripes on Sarah’s hips and ass. She slipped a finger inside Sarah and teased her. Spreading liquid silk over her clit, she pressed and rubbed in slow circles. Mine. I need. I want. Jaya stopped to savor the sensation of Sarah under her hand.

  Sarah groaned when Jaya pushed her fingers in hard and deep. Jaya stroked slowly in time with working Sarah’s clit, finding her rhythm. I need. I want. Be mine. The room fell away as she lost herself in Sarah’s cries and moans and her warm heat. The soft, wet sound of her fingers working Sarah echoed in the small room. Sarah panted and she opened her legs wider. Her core clenched and she shifted her hips up, pulling Jaya’s fingers deeper.