Sum of the Whole

by Brenda Murphy

  “What is this, my sweet?” She traced the front of the collar with her fingertip, following the twisted thorny vine engraved on the collar. “What does it mean?”

  Sarah lowered her eyes, avoiding Jaya’s gaze. Jaya could order her to tell her. She could force her to meet her eyes. She could demand she speak. She could do all those things, and in the end, she would feel empty. Talk to me. Tell me because you want to tell me. Talk to me because you want to and not because I compel you. She released Sarah.

  “Mistress?” Sarah raised her eyes to question Jaya’s silence.

  “I won’t ask you to explain.” Jaya paced back and forth in the small room.

  “What if I want you to ask me?” Sarah’s eyes held a challenge. She tipped her chin at Jaya as she pushed back, daring Jaya to be the Mistress she was. A challenge. Sarah knew how to drive Jaya’s passion with her defiance. Jaya needed what Sarah had given her during their time at Rowan House; she needed this—a woman unafraid to push her. Sarah pulled the torque from her neck. She handed it to Jaya, turning it as she did so she could read the engraving inside. Jaya ran her fingers over the word inscribed there. One. She set it aside and cupped the back of Sarah’s neck.

  “No pretty speech this time?” She raised her brows, pinning Sarah with her eyes. Sarah shivered and her pulse quickened under Jaya’s fingertips.

  “There has only been one, Mistress. One is the number that is only as great as its multiplier. The number that only ever is itself even as it becomes the other. Only one has been that for me.” Sarah’s eyes burned Jaya’s soul with their honesty as she met Jaya’s gaze, daring her to be what she needed. One. The one. Her one.

  Jaya brought her to the bed and lowered her. She pressed her down with her weight, crushing her mouth with her lips. She swept her hand up to slide her fingers home, taking Sarah. Driving deep, she pulled breathless groans from her. Let it be me. Let me be the one who breaks you apart. The one who gathers you back together. The one who pushes you to be what you want to be. The one who understands your desires. The one who loves you even if I never say it. Even if you never say it. Let me be the one you wake up to, the one you think of at first light, the one you think of when you are lost in the night. Let me be the one who gives you the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain when you need it. She punctuated her thoughts with deep, slow thrusts. Sarah rocked her hips, tipping them up to meet Jaya’s thrusts. She clutched Jaya’s shoulders, digging her nails into Jaya’s skin.

  “More. Let me give you everything.” Sarah opened herself wider, wrapping her legs around Jaya.

  Groaning as she slid deeper, Jaya tucked her thumb and breached Sarah. She slowed her thrusts, closing her eyes against the love and desire that filled her heart. Jaya dipped her head and lowered her mouth to Sarah’s clit. She stretched the folds around it taut and licked slowly in rhythm with her strokes. Sarah’s back arched.

  “Please. Now, Mistress, now, now.” Jaya sucked hard and Sarah came, spilling wetness over Jaya’s hand. Her body shook as she groaned her climax deep in her chest. Jaya stilled, bathing in the sound of Sarah’s deep pleasure and the clenching of her core around her hand. Her clit was hard; her thighs slick with her own wetness. Sarah fixed her gaze on Jaya’s eyes and reached between them. She pushed inside, the heel of her hand pressing against Jaya’s thick clit as she thrust her fingers deep. Jaya shook as pleasure spiked through her and she came with her hand buried inside Sarah, adding her own groans to the sounds of Sarah’s pleasures. She rested her head against Sarah’s forehead. They rocked together, riding out the aftermath of their binding.

  “All of you. I want all of you, Sarah. I want everything you are now and forever.” She eased her hand from Sarah. She touched her cheek. “No matter who gave this to you. I want to be your one.” Jaya touched a finger to the torque.

  Sarah’s eyes clouded as she held Jaya’s gaze. “You have always been the only one, Mistress. I bought this myself to remind me I exist not only for you but for myself. I am no longer zero.” She eased her fingers from Jaya and placed her hand over Jaya’s heart, her eyes steady. “I need to be me for me before I am for anyone else. And I need you to understand this about me.”

  SARAH’S WORDS ECHOED in Jaya’s head. Her acknowledgment of what Jaya meant to her was a good thing and overwhelming at the same time. Wasn’t that what I wanted, to have her? But the flip side scared the hell out of her. She was comfortable with sex and money and trading one for the other. Intimacy, love; the fuck do I know about that? The connection she had with Sarah had stood the test of time. Even after six years, it was still there.

  She waited for Sarah on the bench by the lake. She settled into the morning stillness, broken only by the squawk of the ducks and the sound of early morning runners, their breathing rough against the background of the loud crunch of their shoes on the gravel. She sipped her coffee, the warmth pushing back the morning chill.

  As much as she wanted to talk to Sarah about them she didn’t. She didn’t want to risk it, to risk herself. She had been on and off with Deidre for the last six years. Deidre fell into her arms every time the money ran out with whatever sucker she’d got her hooks into. Jaya had paid for what she craved, but in the end, she was unsatisfied and left with a bigger ache in her heart.

  I need to get it together. How am I going to do this? Love. Messy, unpredictable feelings. Am I being played again? Maybe she’s as good an actress as Deidre. She’s so determined to keep our relationship a secret. Maybe. The burns. The torque. Maybe there’s someone else. Jaya shifted on the bench. She tapped her foot, her stomach in knots. Maybe I should cancel. Let it go. Find another time to talk to her.

  Sarah arrived and sat down. The length of their thighs touched. The kiss she gave her before she settled on the bench was quick and sweet and left Jaya wanting more. No. She couldn’t kiss me like that and be lying to me. Could she? She didn’t know and right now, with Sarah next to her, she didn’t care. She slipped her arm around Sarah’s shoulder and pulled her close. Her fears melted in the heat between them as the sun rose over the tree line.

  THEY LAY STICKY and sweet, curled together, limbs entwined. So easy. Jaya sifted through the memories of past lovers and failed relationships. She chewed her lip. So good. She inhaled the scents of cinnamon and sandalwood mixed with lavender and sweat and desire; the essence of their time together distilled into the scent of them. Sarah slept in her arms with her back to Jaya and her curves pressed against her. Her red-gold hair spilled over Jaya’s brown skin.

  Jaya squinted in the dim light of the room, trying to read the clock. Fuck. She had stayed the night. They had slept together. The first time since their last at Rowan House. She had broken the unspoken rule between them. It’s not like she hasn’t asked you to stay before.

  Jaya always came to Sarah’s apartment. Sarah refused to come to Jaya’s flat, refused to let Julie drive her, had even refused money from Jaya for a taxi. Jaya tightened her arms around Sarah, holding on to the moment. She shifted her hips and moved closer to Sarah. The intimacy of this unscripted event hit Jaya and her heart hitched. This had happened because it happened, not because they had discussed it, planned it, or scripted it. It had happened organically, naturally. Now what? Fear wormed its way into Jaya’s thoughts. Don’t screw it up. Don’t make more of it than what it is. Sarah turned in her arms. She nuzzled Jaya’s neck and planted a kiss in the hollow of her throat. Desire threaded its way through Jaya’s body, pushing aside her fear.

  “Morning.” Sarah scooted out from under Jaya’s arms and unlocked the door to the bedroom. Jaya listened as Sarah splashed in the bathroom. Fucking locks. On the inside. She clenched her teeth. Wrong. So wrong. When Sarah returned, Jaya slipped out to take her turn in the bathroom. She pulled on her clothes from the night before. The smell of coffee brewing greeted her when she emerged. Sarah handed her a cup of the strong black coffee Jaya preferred and then filled her own mug. They sat at the wobbly kitchen table that resisted every fix Jaya had tried.

/>   Sarah was wrapped in her robe, her sleepy morning face lit by the sunlight edging in the window. Jaya stopped drinking her coffee to memorize the way her unruly red hair framed her face as she sipped from her cup. Sarah reached over and rested her hand on Jaya’s before giving it a squeeze. Her easy smile made Jaya’s heart ache. Every day. I want to wake up to this every day. Jaya sipped her coffee.

  “I’m going to make myself some eggs and toast. You want some?”

  “No thank you. My stomach’s not awake yet.”

  Sarah raised one eyebrow and quirked her mouth at Jaya. She turned away to make her breakfast.

  I love her. Still. Fucking love with a capital L. Jaya set her coffee on the table and knotted her hands together. But does she feel the same way? Her love for Sarah was nothing new. After leaving Sarah on Skye, she’d lived with an unbearable emptiness. An emptiness she had tried to fill with Deidre. Is that love? Does she love me? The last time we spent a night together was a night I would love to forget. No. Not true, not all of it, only the part where she refused me and we fought. The comfort of Sarah in her arms last night had ripped the lid off the tidy box of pain in her heart, and now, love, that messy uncontrollable beast, demanded Jaya do something about it.

  “Regrets?” Sarah set her plate of scrambled eggs on the table. She avoided Jaya’s eyes.

  Look at me, Sarah. Let me see your eyes. Jaya swallowed hard and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans.

  “None. Thinking how easy this is.” Jaya took a breath. Ask her now. “Would you move in with me?” The words came in a rush, not her usual measured speech, and the second they were out Jaya wished she had not spoken. Sarah’s face shuttered and a coolness spread over her features. No. The answer is still no.

  Sarah sipped her coffee. Sweat trickled down Jaya’s back. She sat back and shoved her hands in her pockets.

  Sarah placed her cup on the table. “No.”

  No explanation. The ache in Jaya’s heart grew until it threatened to consume her. She swallowed every pleading word she wanted to say. Didn’t work last time.

  “Can we talk about it?” Jaya worked hard to keep the edge out of her voice.

  “No. I’m at the end of my dissertation. One of my committee members seems to think I need to start over, the intro class I’m teaching is a shit show, and I cannot entertain the idea of changing anything else in my life. So, no. I’m not willing to talk about it.”

  “You’re not safe here. You sleep with locks on your bedroom door. If I hadn’t had to wait for my car two weeks ago…”

  “No. Not fair. You do not get to try and use what happened to force me to live with you.”

  “Force you? For fuck’s sake, maybe I want you to live with me because I care about you, maybe it’s because I like waking up next to you, and maybe it’s because I want you to be safe. Maybe it’s because…” I love you. Jaya bit back the words. No use saying them now. She stood up quickly and the chair clattered to the floor. She grabbed her coat, slammed the front door on her way out, and didn’t look back.

  JAYA WAITED BY the pond. She shifted on the bench, watching the water bugs trace lazy circles on the still surface.

  “You know, some people would call you a stalker.” Sarah stood at the far end of the bench, a smirk on her face.

  “Guilty as far as you’re concerned.” Jaya held out the cup of black coffee she had picked up for Sarah, who took it in both hands before sitting down on the bench. She sat on the far end of the seat, keeping the distance between them.

  “I’m sorry I left like I did.”

  “Me too.” Sarah slid closer to Jaya. “The asshole is getting out of the hospital today. Shelia’s picking him up.”

  Jaya raised an eyebrow. “Do you think he remembers?”

  “Are you worried? ’Cause I am. I don’t think she remembers anything—she was blackout drunk—but he wasn’t that drunk when he...” Sarah looked away. “When he tried…what he tried.”

  “So, what are you going to do, Sarah? Live afraid? Now who is being a hardheaded woman?” Jaya clenched her jaw.

  “I asked her to move out. But he knows where I live and you’re not exactly hard to find.”

  “I can handle him.” Some part of Jaya wanted the opportunity to finish what she had started, but the frightened look on Sarah’s face made her stop talking. They drank their coffee in silence.

  “I’d like to walk you to campus if you don’t mind the company.” Jaya had kept her tone light. Please say yes. She tossed her cup in the waste can.

  “I’m okay.” Sarah’s voice sounded anything but okay.

  “Text me when you get there and let me know you’re safe?” Jaya looked into Sarah’s eyes and reached for her hand. She pulled it to her mouth and planted a kiss on the palm. “Please.”

  Sarah met her eyes and held Jaya’s gaze. She curled her fingers and cupped Jaya’s cheek. “I’ll text.” She left Jaya and hurried down the path.

  Jaya walked to the edge of the pond and picked up a stone. She threw it as far as she could. It splashed into the water and ripples spread out until they disappeared on the far shore. She wondered if that was how what they had between them would end—waves of good times and hard times until it ended on the far shore of pride and stubbornness.

  Chapter Thirteen

  JAYA REARRANGED THE candles for the tenth time as she waited for Sarah to arrive. Shelia was moving out, and Jaya had convinced Sarah the safest place to stay while she moved her things was with her. Nervous energy had replaced relief when Sarah refused the use of Jaya’s car and told her she was coming on the train. She was late. Stop worrying. Trains are late. It had been a week since Jaya had asked Sarah to live with her. It had been a long week of texts and talking. Jaya wouldn’t ask again. Sarah had made it clear. Nothing about living together. Or the burns. Or the torque. The burns. Fuck. Someone had marked Sarah and Sarah had agreed to it. Or not. It was the “or not” that set her off. Someone had hurt Sarah without her consent. Not okay. Jaya imagined all the horrific things she would do to the person or persons who had violated the rules that governed their private world.

  The doorbell buzzed, interrupting Jaya’s murderous thoughts. She saw Sarah via the security camera and opened the building entrance. She watched as she walked to the apartment door from the elevators. Jaya opened it before Sarah could knock.

  “Welcome.”

  Sarah stepped in and lowered her eyes. “Sorry I’m late. Problem on the—”

  Jaya pulled her into a deep kiss, cutting off her words. Sarah relaxed into the kiss, offering herself as she opened her mouth to Jaya’s tongue and lips. Their kiss lengthened as Jaya unbuttoned Sarah’s coat. She worked it over her shoulders and dropped it to the floor. She broke their kiss and held Sarah at arm’s length. Sarah wore a green velvet dress cut in an empire style, the low neckline displaying her exquisite breasts.

  Jaya traced the torque resting on Sarah’s neck with her fingers. A flash of anger and sadness ripped through her. One. A silver symbol of Sarah’s refusal. Her declaration of independence taunted Jaya. All the mercy she had planned on showing Sarah evaporated. She breathed in her anger and pain and opened herself to the beast that raged within her. I need. I want.

  “Strip.” Desire roiled through Jaya’s body. Sarah’s hands moved quickly to remove her dress.

  “Eyes to me.” Jaya held Sarah’s gaze as she stripped. Sarah’s eyes went wide. There it is. Fear. Passion. Desire. Everything Jaya craved. Sarah wore nothing underneath the dress. The scent of her filled Jaya’s nostrils and she breathed in Sarah. The bite of cinnamon and sandalwood, her signature scent, flooded Jaya’s senses. The torque remained.

  “Did you hear my command?” She gripped Sarah’s chin. Sarah’s skin blanched white under her fingertips.

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  Jaya flicked the torque with her finger. “And yet this remains.” She dug her fingers into the soft skin of Sarah’s arm as she gripped it. “Take it off.” Her voice a harsh whisper, she dug her
fingers in harder. “Now.”

  Sarah lowered her head and slipped the torque off. She tossed it on top of her dress. She raised her face to Jaya’s. A different look filled her eyes and Jaya knew she was aware of what she had done. Pushback. It was like tossing a match near a pool of gasoline. Need and want burned through Jaya. Sarah’s eyes were bright, her gaze steady. She shifted her hips, opening her legs as she widened her stance. With her movements, she issued an unspoken challenge to Jaya. She needs, she wants too. Jaya released Sarah’s arm.

  “We haven’t established your safe word, Sarah. Before tonight I haven’t thought you’d need it, but tonight...” Jaya lowered her voice and brought her lips close to Sarah’s mouth. “Tonight—” She kissed her softly. “—you may need it.”

  Sarah trembled. Every vibration of her fear stoked the desire building in Jaya. Her clit grew thick and wetness seeped from her core.

  “One. Mistress.” Sarah’s voice was breathy. A new word. A new world. No longer zero. Jaya turned the word over in her mind, impatient to have Sarah under her.

  “Follow me.” Jaya led the way down the hall to the bathroom, not looking to see if Sarah followed.

  “Kneel.” Candlelight reflected off the tiles, giving the room a soft glow. The heated tile floor warmed the room. A claw-foot tub rested in the center and the scent of lavender filled the air. Jaya stripped out of her clothes as water filled the tub. She leaned forward and gathered her hair so she could pin it up and off her neck.