Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  Jealousy spikes through me again. They are getting close. I wonder if she likes him better than me. I wouldn’t blame her, he’s a great guy. I’m a mess inside. I’m good at hiding it but it’s still there. Can she see the ugliness threatening to spill out? Lost in my self-loathing, it takes me a minute to notice the soft, subtle touch on my thigh. I lower my hand under the table, to see what it is and my hand connects with her upwards facing palm. I thread my fingers into hers and she squeezes me tightly, making my thoughts settle down. Her touch calming me like nothing else does. I want to drag her hand to my lips and deliver a kiss there, showing her how much her gesture means to me. I’m not brave enough though. The guys all start talking and filling each other in on the activities they’ve had, when a small voice in the back of my head says, ‘fuck it’. Still clutching her hand in mine, I turn my head her way leaning down towards her ear and breathe deeply of her scent, erasing my worries.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whisper to her, then deliver a kiss swiftly to the back of her ear. I have to restrain myself from nibbling her neck like a vampire. I sit back up straight taking her lingering scent with me. I peek over at her and she mouths the word, ‘same,’ at me, making my heart sing. We eat the rest of our lunch, secretly clutching hands under the table, while we listen to our friend’s stories about their day.

  We pack up our trays when we get instructed lunch is finished. Everyone is revitalised and ready to continue on with their day. Saying goodbye to the others, me and Rafe head over to our group leader, who has us follow her outside to a grassy area. A cloud of despair creeps in at the separation from Tamsyn after such a short time together. Luck must be on my side though, because for this activity, we are working with Tamsyn’s group. Before I can get to her, the group instructor tells us about our activity. It’s called ‘The human knot.’ She has us all stand in a circle and close our eyes. While we stand still, she moves people so we don’t know where anyone is. Then she tells us, on the count of three, we are to move our hands forward to the middle of the circle and to find a hand to hold and not let go.

  “One, two, three, go,” she says, and everyone rushes forward. I have one thought in mind. Find the hand I know. The one I want to hold. Someone grasps my hand but they’re hand is too big so I wriggle out of their grip. Another hand tries to grab me but it’s too rough. Where is she? I hope someone hasn’t already got her hands. In one last attempt to find her, I grasp another hand and I know immediately it’s her. I intertwine our fingers and rub my thumb back and forth over my little spot on her hand. She rewards me with a squeeze. Jackpot! I knew it was her. It would have been embarrassing if it wasn’t. I let my left hand grasp the next hand it finds. It’s out of place in my hand though.

  “Now open your eyes and without letting go of the hands you’re holding, you have to untangle yourselves and form a circle again.” I open my eyes and tug her hand to find out where she is. I’m rewarded with such a big smile, her eyes crinkling at the edges. Her smile alone has made this day perfect.

  Everyone’s pulling and trying to maneuver themselves out of the knot. Someone keeps pulling my left hand, trying to make me move but I’m too entranced with Tamsyn. I’m happy to spend the rest of the day standing here holding her hand so I don’t try at all to make our way out of the knot.

  “Tate,” I hear from my side, so I let my eyes drop from Tamsyn and follow the voice calling my name. It’s Scott. A finger tickles the middle of my other hand so I turn to him with a raised brow.

  “Yes, it’s me, you egg,” he says laughing, as I’ve been ignoring him pulling on my hand for a while. Scott takes control of the situation because we need a leader if we are going to get out of this. He has people weaving over arms and twisting and turning. Freeing some, while others stay thoroughly tangled. Tamsyn has to climb over her other hand and then twists going under our joined hands. This movement brings her body flush up against me.

  Scott the sneaky bastard says, “Tate, we will leave you like that for a bit and come back to you. Dante, move under Emma’s hand there,” giving me a covert wink. So here I stand, with Tamsyn pressed right up against me. Not able or willing to move away. I take a deep inhale as I gaze into her eyes. Her cheeks redden as she knows exactly what I’m doing. I’m addicted to her scent. I can’t help it now. She’s gotten under my skin.

  I don’t think Scott is trying to untangle anyone now. It’s more like he’s deliberately causing a bigger jumbled mess so me and Tamsyn can have this time together, without anyone thinking anything of it. It’s not long before Rafe catches on to Scott’s sneaky plan and he joins in. He’s causing a loud ruckus trying to twist and turn, gaining everyone’s attention. It gives me a cheeky moment to lean down and kiss Tamsyn on the forehead. I thought my nose was bad but now my lips can’t stay away from her either. All too soon and the time for the activity is up. Both reluctant, we wait until the last possible second to let go and move a step back from each other. I give her a sad smile as my group goes one way and hers goes the other.

  Next up we have ‘Team seek and find.’ We have a list of items we have to check off, matching with a different person in the group for each answer. We had to find someone born in the same month as us, someone who had a pet, someone who plays an instrument and so on. It was fun getting to know new things about some of my classmates.

  Our next activity is ‘Run free’. Our leader makes us wait a bit for the group joining us as they are running behind schedule. It doesn’t bother me because I see Tamsyn and her group walk towards us. My whole body hums with excitement from being near her again. Our group leader explains the activity, saying one person is to be blindfolded while their partner leads them from a walk, to a jog to a full out run all while holding hands. I try to move closer to Tamsyn but our leader partners people up and puts Rafe with her instead. I get put with another girl from Tamsyn’s group I don’t know.

  As we are walking out to the field we are going to do the activity in, Rafe drifts back to me and says to the girl who’s my partner, “Kayla, do you want me to be my partner instead?” while putting on the charm. She falls for it, hook, line and sinker, jumping at the chance to be his partner. I fist bump him with a huge smile on my face and propel myself to the front of the group to tell Tamsyn I’m her new partner.

  ---Tamsyn---

  I think my hormones are in overdrive today or else my nerve endings are going haywire every time Tate is close. His touch is electric; his hands send a shock straight through me every time there’s contact between us. I wish I had gotten partnered with Tate but feel lucky considering I got Rafe, instead of someone I don’t usually hang out with.

  I’m daydreaming about Tate’s green eyes and forcing myself not to turn around so I can catch a glimpse of them, when I hear a small, “Hey,” come from the side of me. I slowly lift my gaze up and there are the green eyes I was trying so hard not to search for. They have come searching for me instead.

  “Hey,” I reply. I want to take his hand in mine; everything’s better when he holds it. But I don’t dare do it in front of everyone. I don’t want everyone whispering about us.

  “I’m your new partner,” he tells me, and my face breaks out in a huge grin.

  “Is that so?” I tease. “Is this your doing or Rafe’s?” I ask.

  “Rafe’s but he did it for my benefit,” he says so honestly. It’s as if he wants me to know his feelings for me without him saying anything.

  As we arrive at the field, their team leader hands out a blind fold to each pair.

  “Do you want to get blind folded first or second?” he asks me.

  “It doesn’t bother me. I can go first,” I say, so he tells me to turn around so he can tie the blind fold around me. As he lifts the blind fold up to cover my eyes, he steps forward into my back so he’s pressed up firmly against me. With my sight gone, all my other senses are on high alert and all they are alerting me of is Tate. He knots the back of the bl
ind fold tightly behind my head then runs his hands slowly down my arms, sending goose bumps over my skin. He grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. He does his signature move of running his thumb back and forth causing more goose bumps to spring up which make him chuckle. He leans closer to me and as I breathe in his earthy scent, it overwhelms me. My lungs crave more of him so I take a deeper breath.

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I have quite the effect on you Sweetness,” he whispers softly into my ear. My cheeks heat up because he knows exactly what to do to get a reaction out of me.

  “Okay teams. Off you go, whenever you’re ready,” the team leader says, and Tate gently leads me. I take tentative steps at first getting into a rhythm which is hard when I have to put all my trust in him. I know he will keep me safe; it’s still unnerving when you can’t see where you are walking.

  “What’s your favourite colour?” he randomly asks.

  “Green,” I reply, thrown by his question. “Yours?” I return.

  “Red,” he says.

  “What about favourite food?” he tries another question.

  “Hmm I love ice cream. And yours?” I counter.

  “Anything but I do love pizza,” he says.

  “What’s with all the questions?” I ask him. He stops walking so I stop next to him. He turns me so I’m facing him, still blindfolded, with his hands resting on my shoulders.

  “I know when you’re sad. I can see it written on your face without you having to say a word,” he says softly to me letting the words sink in. I gulp and he moves a hand to cup my face rubbing his thumb over my cheek bone. “I know if I hold your face like this, you’ll lean into my hand because you crave my touch, as much as I crave yours.” And without me realising, I’m already leaning into his touch as he predicted. He lets go of my face, moving his hand back down to hold my hand. “I know your hands. I don’t need to see them. I know them by feel now. I knew it was your hand, the second I touched you, back at the human knot activity. I know your scent as soon as I get a whiff of it in my direction. It draws me in. And lastly, I know your heart. Your heart is broken and damaged and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to fix it. I know this, because mine is exactly the same. Our hearts cried out to each other and I think it’s why we have this special connection.” My heart is about to leap out of my chest. He’s saying all this and I still can’t see him. It must be what is making him so brave. “We both need to heal Sweetness. You’ve had a full-on week but I want you to know, I’m here and when the right time comes, I’ll still be here. So best friends are what we will be, right?” I can hear the smirk in his voice, replaying my words back to me.

  “Yes, the best of friends,” I tell him, with a smile.

  “Well, best friends know the little things about each other, not only the big things. It’s why I’m asking you all these questions. Ask your own questions too.” He leans down and delivers a kiss to my forehead, which I must say is fast becoming my favourite spot he kisses. It makes me feel safe and no matter what is going on at the time, the moment he does it, I can breathe.

  “Come on, let’s run,” he says with a chuckle, jerking me into a run and we laugh together as I follow wherever he leads me. My heart is freer than it has been in a long time.

  Our last activity for the day involves all the groups gathering together in the dining hall. We are making a memory wall. We are to write or draw something from today or something meaningful to us. There’s paper, paints, crayons and coloured pencils littered all over the tables so everyone finds a spot and gets to work. I’m already with Tate, Scott and Rafe so we find JP who’s sitting where we were for lunch and take a seat. I know exactly what I want to draw; Tate’s star. But I want to draw the one letting the light in because I want to start doing that now. So I grab a thick black crayon, a piece of paper and create my artwork. So enthralled by my drawing, I don’t notice much else going on around me. It isn’t until I feel Tate’s hand on my thigh under the table, I come back to reality. I’m about to lower my hand under the table to hold his but he leans in towards me.

  “Carry on, you’re enjoying yourself. I couldn’t help myself, I needed your touch. I can work with one hand,” he tells me quietly, so only I can hear him. I give a slight nod to acknowledge what he said, not wanting to draw attention. Now he’s distracting me by drawing circles with his finger on my thigh. I try not to giggle and focus on my star.

  “Everyone, once you’ve finished your artwork come up and pin it on the wall please,” one of the team leaders instructs us. I’m nearly finished so I tell Tate I’m going to go pin mine up. I wander up to the wall and grab a push pin. I press the little pin through my paper into the wall, holding it in place. Taking a step back, I admire my star. It looks good up there. While I’m appreciating my work, Tate comes up and pins his right next to mine and steps back for me to see. It’s a simple rainbow.

  I turn to him smiling, and he leans down and whispers, “There’s always a rainbow after a storm.” My eyes glaze over with unshed tears because, once again, he’s directed his kindness at me, without me asking.

  “Thank you,” is all I can say to him. He leads me back to our seats and the guys take turns going up to the wall as they finish their pieces.

  After everyone has put a piece on the wall, we all stand up, make a semicircle and admire everyone’s work. My eyes zone in on the dark star with the rainbow close by. We are given another five minutes to stand there and reflect on the day we’ve had. I must say it’s been a great day. I’ve laughed a lot and enjoyed myself, more than I have in a long time.

  “Thank you everyone for the amazing work you put into this day and for making it so enjoyable. I hope you can take something away with you today. Now, your teachers have told me if you’d like to leave here and go home, you are more than welcome or else you can walk back to school and go home from there,” the event leader tells us.

  Everyone, with excitement in the air, rushes out of the dining hall, taking off in different directions. Me and the guys start walking back to school because it’s where JP’s car is. We are all on a high from the days’ events. It’s been a long day though and my feet are starting to hurt, from being on them most of the time. Tate must notice, as he bends down in front of me.

  “Jump on my back, Sweetness. I’ll give you a piggyback ride.” I giggle, as I climb onto his back wrapping my arms around his neck tightly and he holds my legs firmly in place, with his hands on my thighs.

  “Wow, you are so tall. I can see everything from up here,” I tell him, and the guys hear and start laughing. I am teeny next to all of them so what do they expect? Tate’s gait slows a bit and we drop behind the others who are laughing and joking around, as we walk the way we came back to school.

  “Did you have a good day?” he asks me.

  “Yes, I did. Did you?”

  “The best,” he says, with a squeeze of my thighs. Feeling brave, I give him a hug from the back, tightening my hold around his neck. Leaning to the side, I give him a quick kiss to the temple.

  “What was that for?” he asks, with a smile in his voice.

  “For being you,” I say, as a way of explanation. Satisfied with my answer, he doesn’t ask me to explain further.

  He carries me all the way to school and doesn’t put me on my feet until we are right beside the car. We all pile in, taking the seats we did yesterday. I can’t help but snuggle into Tate and shut my eyes, enjoying this moment for a minute before I have to get out. Scott gets dropped off first then in no time at all, JP is pulling up in front of my house.

  “I’ll see you guys on Monday,” I tell them, as I hop out of the car, smiling at Tate as I turn my back on him and walk up the path.

  “Check your pocket,” he yells, as they pull away and drive off, but not before I notice the huge smile plastered on his face. With a goofy grin on my face, I check my pockets and feel a piece of paper in one
so I pull it out. I unfold the white piece of paper, and there written in colourful rainbow writing are the letters ‘BFF’ and I can’t help the warmth, spreading from my heart and taking over my whole body.

  Chapter 16

  ---Tamsyn---

  It’s Saturday night. I worked on school assignments all day and now my brain is ready for sleep. It’s late as I tried to mentally drain myself so I could sleep without any dreams but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been lying here in the dark, for who knows how long, with my brain running riot on me. At this rate I don’t think I’ll get any sleep.

  A ‘DING’ comes from my bedside table. As I grab my phone, I glance at the clock and see its nearly midnight. Opening the text message, I see it’s from Tate and a smile ignites on my face filling my stomach with butterflies.

  T: You awake?

  S: Yeah, I am. How come you are still up?

  T: Can’t sleep. What about you?

  S: Same.

  T: Want to sneak out and come for a walk with me?

  The butterflies take flight at the prospect of seeing Tate tonight.

  S: Yes.

  T: Good because I’m already outside your house so get your sweet butt down here.

  Oh my goodness. He’s already here. I quietly step to my closet and throw on baggy track pants and a hoodie and slip on my trainers. I sneakily open my door, hoping it doesn’t make a sound and alert my mum. Stealthily, I creep down the stairs to the front door, turning the handle before opening it. I creep out onto the dark porch and slowly close it trying not to make a sound. A soft click lets me know it’s shut. I’m about to search for Tate, when warm arms wrap around my waist and lift my feet off the porch. I yelp in surprise.