Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  “Sshh or your mum will hear you and all your secret ninja skills were put to use for nothing,” he whispers in my ear, his warm breath tickling my face. He swings me around in his arms. My legs and arms unconsciously wrap around him as he jogs away from my house, holding onto me tightly. He continues until he’s a few houses away then peeks at me and slows his pace. Lowering the hoodie from my head, he brushes the hair from my face.

  “There. We should be out of earshot now,” he says, dropping me to my feet.

  “So, what has you walking the streets in the middle of the night?” I ask him, as we walk side by side.

  “I couldn’t get to sleep. So sometimes I go for a run and my feet ended up bringing me here. I texted you on the off chance you might be up. I thought some quality time with my best friend was called for,” he says, with a smirk giving me a nudge with his arm. “How come you were awake?” he asks me back.

  “Same, I guess. I couldn’t get to sleep, my mind wouldn’t shut off,” I confess.

  “Two peas in a pod,” he says, smiling and it has the butterflies circling. “So best friend of mine, how about we keep getting to know each other? Do you have a favourite animal?”

  “Pig for sure. They’re so damn cute. And I don’t eat pork, ham or bacon because of them,” I tell him truthfully, not caring what he will think. He has that effect on me. I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He lets out a slight chuckle. “It shows huge dedication to your favourite animal, I must say,” he tells me, with amusement clear on his face.

  “What’s yours then?” I ask, trying to get the attention off me.

  “Hmm, I think it would have to be an elephant. They are extremely majestic plus I’ve always wanted to ride one,” he tells me.

  “Okay, my question. If you could be a girl for a day, what would you want to do?” I ask, trying not to giggle. He lets a boisterous laugh take over.

  He thinks for a moment before replying, “Good question. I want to know why girls go to the bathroom in groups so it would be my top priority. But please, make it a day when I don’t get my period. Not something I would not like to experience.” We both burst into a fit of laughter as we walk down the quiet street, sounds of our cheerfulness blown away with the wind.

  “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe you said that,” I chuckle, while swatting at his chest.

  “What would you do if you were a boy for a day?” he says, countering my question.

  “I would try peeing, standing up. Guys may look at me weird though because it will be spraying everywhere since I won’t know what I’m doing.” We both crack up with laughter again.

  As we are walking the streets under the star covered sky, I smile to myself thinking this boy has changed my life in such a short amount of time. A stranger at first and now he’s become the most important person to me. All from seeing what no one else bothered to notice; Me. He’s a couple steps ahead of me then suddenly stops. Pivoting around with the biggest grin on his face, he takes my hand and tugs me while he jogs forward.

  “What is it?” I ask amused, as it must be something good to make him smile like that. In no time at all, we are standing in front of a taped off piece of concrete on the footpath.

  “They must have put this down today, it’s still wet,” he says, while bending down to poke it with his finger. “We need a stick,” he decides and searches around for one.

  “What are you going to do with a stick?” I ask him. He stops his scouring to give me the most mischievous grin. Oh no, this can’t be good. He spots a scraggly twig sticking out of a nearby gutter and picks it up.

  He crouches down, “Sweetness, can you hold the tape up while I do this quickly?” he asks me. Intrigued by what he’s going to do, I oblige standing beside his crouched form watching him. He leans forward balancing on the balls of his feet and writes something with his stick. It doesn’t take long and then he’s standing next to me. I drop the tape I was holding and both of us gaze down at the imperfect concrete. ‘TNT’ he’s written.

  “Tate and Tamsyn,” he says proudly. “It will be our little secret,” he smugly says. The butterflies are whirling around taking flight in my belly while we stand there, staring in silence at the now more beautiful concrete. I thread my fingers through his, holding onto this boy who has become my best friend.

  We carry on with our midnight adventure, walking hand in hand with no destination in mind. Walking and listening to the sounds of our footsteps thudding on the footpath, neither of us talking, letting the calm silence surround us. We embrace the quiet, not needing words to fill the void. Up ahead, I notice a kid’s playground so I tug Tate towards the swings.

  “Push me please,” I say, as I grab the chains and wriggle myself into the seat. His large hands push against my lower back and I’m moving forward. Kicking my legs, I pick up momentum so the swing can take me into the sky. My hair whips around my face, the higher I go. Tate takes a seat on the other empty swing next to me and soon he is joining me, soaring through the air. Closing my eyes, I breathe. My body slices back and forth through the still night, feeling free for a moment. My mind has pushed everything away and for this small moment in time, I just am. No heartache, no grief, no fear. I’m just me.

  We stay for a while, swinging in the darkness. The smallest light source, coming from the full moon shining brightly above us. I hear Tate’s soft laughter drift into my ear and turn to him. A smile etched on his face. Something’s different now, he appears less bogged down as if a weight has been lifted off him for a minute. Is he as sad as I am sometimes? I never asked him about what’s going on with him. Trying to hide my own issues has me not seeking his issues out either. But I should. Not today though. Today I will let us be happy; happy in this moment. Happy and free.

  “If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?” he calls to me, through the darkness, as we rock back and forth.

  “I think being able to fly would be a cool one. I am so free now. Imagine feeling this way all the time?” I say, and he nods with a small tug on his lips agreeing.

  “What about you?” I ask him.

  Without hesitation he says, “The ability to heal. If I could heal people of everything, I would. I would take away their injuries and diseases and relieve them of their pain and suffering. It would make the world a better place. How it was meant to be. You know?” I nod, because it sounds like a cool ability to have. Then I could heal myself and wouldn’t have to suffer any more. His answer is so deep and meaningful. It makes me wonder who he wants to heal so badly. Me, himself or is he talking about someone else?

  A yawn escapes my mouth, and I try to hide it behind my hand but Tate has already seen it.

  “Come on, let’s get you back home before your mum realises you’re missing,” he says, then he jumps off his swing landing on his feet. He turns around smiling at me.

  “Show off,” I say, as I slow my swing down and hop off once it’s stopped.

  “Jump on, I’ll give you a piggyback ride home,” he says, bending down to let me climb on his back. I walk up behind him, wrap my arms around his neck and he stands up effortlessly as if I’m no burden to carry at all. He hooks his hands around my legs, holding them against his waist. I snuggle my face into the side of his neck, inhaling him, letting his earthy scent, calm my soul. He always smells so good.

  It’s peaceful being out at night with no one else around, like we are the only two people in the world. Before I know it, we are standing on the path leading to my house.

  “Home sweet home,” Tate whispers, in case my mum hears us out here.

  “Thanks for tonight, I needed that,” I tell him, as we walk quietly up the path to the porch. I climb a couple of steps, while Tate stays on the path below making us more equal in height.

  “Thank you for coming with me, Sweetness. Now go get some sleep. I don’t want my best friend to be tired now,” he says, with h
umour in his voice.

  “Goodnight Tate,” I say with a big smile. He reaches up, brushing the hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. Staring into my eyes he leans in, it has me holding my breath. Our faces are so close, if I lean an inch forward I could touch his lips but I choose to hold still. My eyes close of their own accord and I feel the gentlest kiss on the side of my mouth. If it was a fraction to the left, he would have got my lips. It burns my skin as he pulls away. I open my eyes and he’s watching me, while taking visible deep breaths.

  “Goodnight Sweetness,” he whispers as he steps back. I back up too until I hit the door, opening it quietly and I sneak back inside seeing him run away from my house. I lean against the closed door after I shut it. Taking deep breaths myself, I bring my fingers up and caress where his lips touched. Still able to feel his lingering kiss, long after he’s gone. Too absorbed in my thoughts, it doesn’t register he was running in the opposite direction of his house.

  ---Tate---

  Sprinting away into the night, I need to burn off this energy or else I’ll never get to sleep. My body is humming with the need to take her in my arms. I was so close to kissing her. My lips desperately needed to touch her, and my mind directed them to the side of her mouth at the last second. I can’t help myself when I’m around her. She draws me in and I lose all sense of myself. She takes over my mind so all my thoughts are consumed with her.

  Once she is out of sight, my mind becomes cleared of her and I’m tormented by my thoughts. All the thoughts she subdues, come pounding back in like a freight train, overwhelming me and tearing me down again. I can’t keep going on like this. She’s been the perfect distraction but I fear her power over me won’t last. Soon I’ll be surrounded by my guilt she triggers. How long can I go on trying to save her, without saving myself? For a second, I let my hurt out of its cage. I let her image come to the forefront of my mind. Long, blonde hair sweeps down her face to her shoulders. Sparkling green eyes, exactly like mine, stare back at me. Stare into me. Quinn.

  I take a deep breath in and as I exhale, I push the image back in its cage, where it must stay to keep me safe. It threatens to unlock so I push myself faster and harder. Pummeling the concrete with my strides, I run as fast as I can, leaving all of me behind, punishing myself until I’m numb again. Only then will I be able to sleep. Free from pain, free from hurt, free from myself.

  Chapter 17

  ---Tate---

  The week begins pretty uneventfully but on Tuesday morning, I have another set back. Driving to school with JP and Tamsyn has become our new routine.

  While entranced with Tamsyn, like I usually am these days, her face lights up and she says, “JP, can you turn the music up please? It’s my favourite song.” He obliges and the upbeat music blasts through the car, causing my heart to pound in my chest. Tamsyn happily sings along to the lyrics, unaware of the feelings they stir inside me.

  Her face morphs, into the blonde girl with the sparkling green eyes, facing me with a cheeky grin on her face, while she continues singing. I squeeze my burning eyes shut, trying to rid myself of the memory. My heart is hammering away in my chest as the music screams in my ears. I feel a touch on my leg and my eyes fly open at the contact and stare at her. The blonde girl has gone. The brown haired girl in her place.

  “JP, turn it down,” she yells over the music, so she can be heard. When the music quietens, she tries to connect with me.

  “Tate, are you okay?” I unbuckle and push myself to the other side of the car, needing space from her. I can sense the tears pricking the back of my eyes, searching for release.

  “Tate?” she tries again. I can feel the all too familiar increase of my breaths and I know I need to get away from her. This girl who I long for, but who also makes my heart ache, and not in a good way.

  “Don’t,” I plead, as I keep my distance. I rub my chest with the heel of my hand, hoping it will ease the pain. The car stops and I see we are at a red light. My first thought is survival. To survive, I need to get away from the thing causing my pain, which at this moment is Tamsyn. She makes me feel too much without doing anything. I fumble to open the door and scramble to the footpath, and then out of habit, my feet accelerate taking me away, keeping me safe. How can I save her from drowning when she pulls me under my own wave, without realising what she is doing?

  My feet carry me home and I release all the pain, once I’m in my room. It takes longer than usual to calm my breaths, and my face is soaked with tears by the time I settle. Sitting on the floor against my bed, I stare at the wall, not able to cope but needing to survive.

  JP bangs on my door later on in the day. I don’t know how many hours have passed.

  “Come in,” I croak out. He steps into my room and I instantly know there’s pity, streaked across his face.

  “You okay, bro? You missed the whole day at school,” he asks, worry laces his voice.

  “Yeah, I am now,” I tell him. I take a breath and then ask, “Is Tamsyn alright?”

  “She was shaken up by you taking off but I told her to give you some space and you would be okay,” he explains.

  “Thanks man,” I say, thankful I have JP to help me through this.

  He lets out a sigh before he says, “I don’t want you getting angry at me but I need to say this. One of you is going to end up hurt. At first, I thought it was going to be you but now I’m not so sure bro. Tamsyn is fragile and I can tell she triggers you. Maybe your friendship isn’t the best thing right now. I’m worried about both of you.”

  “I can handle it man. Drop it,” I tell him, anger starting to fill my veins. He walks to the door and leaves without another word. I can handle it, can’t I?

  Tamsyn gives me space and acts like nothing happened the next day. Ms. Chadwick informs us we need to bring a white singlet, if possible, and some shorts to class on Friday. It’s a way for us to learn the muscles we have been learning this week. Tamsyn has gone back into her shell again. Sometimes she pops out and I get glimpses of the girl I know is in there. However, the majority of the time, the girl I know is so pummeled down by the shadows plaguing her, she can’t see the light. Who am I to judge? I’m no better than her. I’m better at pretending than she is. She doesn’t hide her pain now, she wears it on her face, clearly for anyone who knows her to see. I hope I’m not the cause of any of her shadows. I can usually keep my pain hidden well. It’s how I function. If I let it show, I will break. And those pieces won’t ever go back together. How could they? The biggest piece of all is missing.

  ---Tamsyn---

  It’s Friday and the last period of the day. Human bio. I haven’t mentioned Tate’s breakdown in the car the other day. I hoped he would open up to me but I don’t think that will happen. He’s gone back to pretending like everything is fine with him.

  I enter the room with Tate and the guys when I hear Ms. Chadwick addressing the class, “Could everyone make their way to the bathrooms to get changed. I’ll give you a few minutes then we are going to start work on a revision technique, to help you learn and remember the muscles of the body.” Everyone wanders off, boys and girls going in different directions.

  I enter the bathroom and go into a stall, placing my bag on the hook. I unzip my backpack and find the clothes I’d packed in there this morning. I grab the hem of my uniform top and pull it over my head, place it in my bag and take out my white singlet. I examine my bra. At least it’s my pretty, purple one I wore today. I didn’t think about it when I grabbed my see-through singlet this morning. I guess I can’t do much about it now. I put my arms into the holes and pull it over my head, tugging my hair out from the back of it. I unzip my skirt and unhook the safety pin I have secured at the side. I had to start using it when my skirt started sliding off, even when zipped up. I could probably benefit from eating more. The fabric falls to the floor. Kicking it up into my hands, I place it in my bag and grab my shorts. I step out of my shoes, a
s my tight, black bike shorts will be too hard to get on over them. I place my feet through the holes and yank the shorts up my legs. Bending down, I squeeze my feet back into my shoes without undoing the laces. I zip up my bag, throw it over my shoulder and unlock the stall. A lot of the other girls from class are happily getting changed in front of the mirror, not caring for privacy like I did. Most of them, checking their reflections and touching up their makeup.

  I wander back to class and most of the guys are already at their seats changed. It didn’t take them long to get changed. I squeeze into my seat between Tate and Scott, watching Tate out of the corner of my eye. Everyone was required to wear a white singlet so we could write over it, if we wished. Tate’s singlet clings to his torso like a second skin. His thick arms are defined but not overly like Rafe’s are, from hitting the gym too much. Tate’s is more natural. He’s muscular without trying. It’s his natural physique.

  For once I don’t lie my head down on the desk, I’m interested in this lesson. I will never admit it out loud, but I’m especially interested in catching glimpses of Tate’s muscles. All the girls finally return to class and take their seats. Some of them throw glances Tate’s way, trying to check out his muscles. It sends a spike of protectiveness through me. I don’t want them looking at him or fantasising about him. A few of them turn around in their seats, their gazes directed at Rafe, so I peek down the row at him and he’s flexing his arms for the girls to ogle. He’s such a flirt.

  “Okay class,” Ms. Chadwick says, breaking me away from my thoughts “I’m handing out a list of all the major muscles we are going over today. We will see how many we can get through. You can either cut these out or you can write directly on your partner, whichever you and your partner decide. Use your textbook. On the back page are the diagrams, you need to match up the muscles on your partner.” Jeez, I’m going to have to interact with someone now. I hope I get partnered up with someone who knows what they’re doing.