Half of Me

by J. M. Paul

  “You feeling okay?” Maya gives me a slight one-armed hug.

  “Yeah.” I’m in some discomfort from being on my feet all day, but the pain is getting better day by day. I’m healing, but as my doctor told me, it’s a slow process.

  “Our shift ended an hour ago.” Maya glances at her watch. “You ready to go?”

  “I’m going to stay for a little while to make sure she’s stable.” Realizing we’re alone with Jenna, I ask, “Where’s Jacob?”

  “Not sure.” Maya shrugs. “I need to jet and study for our quiz tomorrow. Sure you don’t want to come with?”

  “Nah. Why don’t you drive my car home? My keys are in my backpack. I’ll get an Uber driver or crash here tonight.”

  My eyes remain on Jenna’s sleeping figure. She seems comfortable, peaceful even, for now.

  “Jos…” Maya shakes her head.

  “I’ll be fine, My. I won’t sleep a wink if I leave her here.” Glancing Maya’s way, I give her a steady glare.

  “Okay. But call me if you need me to pick you up…or if anything changes with her.” Maya grabs my hand.

  I gently nod, and she slips around the curtain and down the hall.

  Watching Jenna, I pull the chair close to her incubator and sit.

  “You gave us quite the scare today, angel,” I whisper to her.

  I’m not certain how much time passes as I quietly observe Jenna for any signs of distress. It could be seconds, minutes, or hours. Time ceases to exist when I’m around her. She wraps me up, fills me full, and makes me feel complete and empty, all at the same time.

  Lowering my hand to my still-swollen abdomen, I place it over the emptiness that now exists there and think about how I’ll never be able to become a mother. How my body betrayed me when all I’ve ever done is love and take care of it in the best possible way I knew how.

  My mind travels back to the moment that changed everything and how I wish I had known how my story would end. Maybe I would’ve done something differently.

  “Hello, Miss Stone.” The doctor walked into the examination room. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like I’m ready to hear some answers as to why I’ve been in so much pain,” I said bluntly.

  “Well, you’re in luck.” She sat on the stool and scooted closer to me. “We have answers for you, but you’re probably not going to like them.” Placing a reassuring hand on my knee, she squeezed gently.

  What I had quickly learned through months of doctor visits and tests was, doctors would willingly touch you only if they were about to deliver bad news.

  I’m screwed.

  “Okay.” I breathed deeply, steadying myself. “Then, give it to me straight, doc.”

  “You have a large cyst the size of a softball on your right ovary. Without surgery, we can’t be certain what it is, but I can tell you what I believe it to be.” The doctor adjusted herself on the stool.

  “And that is?” I prompted.

  “We think it’s endometriosis.” She gave me a sympathetic expression.

  “What’s endometriosis?” With all my studies, I should probably have known, but I drew a complete blank.

  She crossed her legs. “It’s where the lining of your uterus grows outside the uterus. I believe that’s the root of the cyst on your ovary and your pain, but like I said, I can’t be certain until we perform surgery.”

  “Wow.” My mind reeled with the thought of having something so large and foreign growing inside my body. “What type of surgery? I have finals and graduate with my bachelors degree in a couple of weeks.”

  “We can wait a few weeks, but it needs to be removed as soon as possible. The cyst is very large and could burst or twist your ovary. If that happens, you’ll need emergency surgery, which isn’t ideal. You’ll need to take it easy until we can remove it—and by easy, I mean, only do what is absolutely necessary. No exercising, no lifting, nothing strenuous at all.” The doctor gave me a stern expression. “Do you understand?”

  I nodded since my throat had gone dry.

  We proceeded to discuss the surgery details and scheduling. I wouldn’t be able to go under the knife as soon as she would like, so the doctor wrote me a prescription for medication that basically forced me into menopause. She claimed it would stop my menstrual cycle, which should prevent the endometriosis from growing further.

  Forced menopause in my early twenties…sounded like a flipping treat.

  “Hey.” Jacob’s soft voice interrupts my recollection.

  Swiveling in his direction, I notice him slipping his phone into his pants pocket. His dark hair is a mess, like he’s been running his fingers through it. His suit coat and tie have been discarded. The first couple of buttons on his shirt are undone, and the sleeves are rolled up to his forearms.

  He’s as hot as sin.

  “I apologize for my absence. I needed to call Jagger’s grandparents to make sure they were able to keep him overnight. I don’t want to leave her.” He walks to stand next to me, his gaze trained on Jenna. “How is she?”

  Peeling my attention away from Jacob, I study the monitors again and then Jenna. “She’s hanging in there. You have quite the little fighter on your hands.” I can hear the pride in my tone.

  “Good to know.” Jacob reaches out to touch the incubator. “I wish I could hold her. She was brought into the world days ago, and I’ve yet to cuddle my little girl.” The pain laced through his voice stabs my insides.

  “Despite her setback tonight, Jenna’s getting stronger by the day. She’s not showing symptoms of addiction, which is a miracle in itself, and her vitals are increasing. Those are all positive signs, Jacob. I predict you should be able to hold your daughter within a couple of days.” I give him a reassuring smile.

  His eyes flick to me and hold for several seconds. The attention should probably make me uncomfortable, but it doesn’t, not by a long shot.

  “Thank you for watching over her.” Jacob shifts to clutch my hand and then releases it. “We don’t know each other extremely well yet, but having you here, taking care of Jenna, helps make this agonizing situation a little more tolerable.”

  And my heart bursts.

  All things considered, Jacob and I really don’t know each other at all, yet it seems like I’ve known him most of my life—like he’s always been a part of me. The realization scares the shit out of me and comforts me at the same time.

  “You—” I have to clear the lump from my throat. “You’re welcome, Jacob.”

  There’s so much more I want to say—that I’m drawn to Jenna and I couldn’t tear myself away if I tried or that I somehow feel she, Jacob, and Jagger were brought into my life for an unknown reason—but I’m not positive how it would be received. From the beginning, Jacob has always seemed appreciative and open to my presence, but I don’t want to press my luck.

  The two of us watch Jenna in silence for a long while. Her breathing is slow and even, her coloring is good, and her blood pressure is holding steady. There’s really no reason for me to stay, but I can’t find the will to leave.

  Almost as if he can read my thoughts, Jacob asks, “Are you working a late shift tonight?”

  “Uh, no. I just…” I tip my head and scratch the back of my neck. “I wanted to make sure she was stable.”

  “Hmm.” He nods and then gazes back at Jenna.

  And that’s my indication that I’m overstaying my welcome.

  Studying Jenna’s monitors one last time, I take a mental note of her vitals, so I can compare them when I check back in on her later. Assuring myself she’s stable enough for me to depart—I’ll sleep in one of the overnight rooms, so I’m not too far away—I stand and offer my chair to Jacob.

  “Where are you going?” He turns to me.

  “I should get home.” Liar. “She’s doing well, and this way, you can have some alone time with her.”

  My eyes seek Jenna. She’s sleeping peacefully, completely oblivious to her earlier battle. She’s an angel, and my chest and stoma
ch tighten in longing.

  Giving Jacob a small smile, I move to step around him. As fast as a snake striking its prey, he grabs my arm to stop me.

  “Please stay. I would feel better if you were here to watch over her. In case something goes wrong again…” The pleading in his voice sounds foreign.

  Jacob always seems so assertive and assured of himself. Jenna’s situation, the lack of control, must be lancing him on the inside.

  My eyes wander to Jenna and then back to him. “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude…”

  “You’re not intruding. You belong here,” he says with conviction.

  My mind tingles with the meaning of his words, and I instantly fantasize that they mean more than him only pleading with me to stay and watch over his sick daughter.

  I shake that thought out of my head before it has a chance to blossom.

  I nod my answer, and his rigid stance loosens.

  CHAPTER 7

  * * *

  PLAYING HAVOC

  It’s two in the morning, and Jacob and I are still keeping watch over Jenna. Her condition is holding steady, and she’s been sound asleep for the last four hours, which is impressive for a newborn baby.

  The two of us are sitting in semi-comfortable guest chairs and have been talking on and off about random topics, but we fell silent an hour ago. He’s fiddling with his phone, and I’m sitting with a textbook in my lap, trying to study for my quiz that’s in a couple of hours. It’s not going well, but thank goodness I already know most of the material.

  Jacob releases a loud sigh and shoves his phone in his pants pocket.

  “Is everything all right?” I ask.

  His mouth says, “Yes,” but his bouncing leg and fidgeting hands tell me different.

  I flip the page of my Advanced Neonatal Pharmacology text and wait him out.

  Jacob stands and stares down at Jenna for several minutes. He’s quiet, his head is bowed, and his shoulders are slumped forward.

  Finally, after a long stretch of time, he whispers, “Juliana’s funeral is tomorrow.”

  My stomach twists in pain for Jacob. He’s always so poised that I forget he’s vulnerable, mourning, and hurting in a way I’m incapable of comprehending.

  Quietly, I close my book, set it aside, and uncurl myself to lean forward in my chair. “I’m sorry, Jacob.”

  He runs a hand down his face. “We never discussed what type of funerals we wanted other than to be cremated.” Turning toward me, he runs his hands through his hair and then grasps the back of his neck. “We’re young, so we thought we had plenty of time.” He falls into the seat next to me and swivels his head in my direction. “But I guess death can sneak up on just about anyone.”

  I nod, uncertain of what to say.

  We remain silent—him lost in his head, me not sure of what to do other than to stay mute and let him disentangle the dark thoughts chaining him to the spot.

  “I caught Juliana cheating on me,” he says so softly, I’m not sure if I heard him correctly.

  With a mind of its own, my body turns toward him, my wide-eyed gape seeking his sad and tired dark blue gaze.

  As if this man hasn’t been through enough, now this?

  My heart keeps expanding for Jacob and his children, and I’m not sure how much more I can bear. The lines between professional and personal are getting tangled and becoming one. I have to stop the fusing before I’m in so deep, I can’t back out, but it won’t be tonight because Jacob needs me.

  “Juliana and I met at a college party our freshman year. I was young, cocky, and out to score with as many chicks as I could bury my dick into.” A sheepish grin plays with the corner of his mouth at his vulgar words, but he shrugs it off. “And Juliana was wild. After being strapped down by strict parents and a sea of obligations, I thought she was the ideal distraction.”

  Jacob leans his head back against the chair and closes his eyes as he takes us on a trip down memory lane.

  “We hooked up that night and then didn’t talk or see each other again until our junior year. We literally crashed into each other at another party. We were inseparable from that moment on.”

  A small smile hints on his lips, and I feel something unpleasant scrape at my chest.

  “I guess you could say the rest fell into place.” Jacob opens his eyes, and they land on me. “We got married right out of college. I started working full-time at my father’s company—which was expected of me—and when he passed away five years ago, I became the president and owner.”

  Sitting up, he releases a deep breath and rests his elbows on his knees. “I got swept up in the demands of running my own business and trying to prove myself that I probably neglected Juliana and our marriage more than I should have. But, while she was still my world back then, I noticed her starting to slip further and further out of my hands.

  “I cut back my hours as much as I could after we had Jagger. Things got better for a short while. The two of us went on a couple of romantic weekends away, but then it was like a switch turned off, and she pulled away from me completely. I suggested marriage counseling and more time together, but nothing brought her back. She slipped away until we were practically two strangers living in the same house, trying to raise a son.”

  His gaze slides over to the beautiful baby girl sleeping peacefully.

  “This sounds horrible, and Jenna is much more than this, but she became the product of a drunken night. Juliana and I were at an obligatory work function, keeping up the falsehood of happiness, and we drank too much wine.” Jacob runs his fist along the stubble on his jaw. “We hadn’t had sex in I don’t know how long—months—and the next thing I knew, we were home, in a bed we hadn’t shared in almost as long.”

  Sensing the difficult part of the story is yet to come, I reach out and place my hand on his forearm.

  “When we woke up the next morning, I hoped things would improve, but they didn’t. Juliana went back to being distant.”

  His attention wanders over to Jenna, and I can see the love and pride shining in his eyes before something dark enters them.

  Squeezing his lids closed, Jacob turns his head straight. “Three months later, I discovered my pregnant wife was cheating on me.”

  His hands clench into tight fists, and I remove my hand from his arm. I know he’s replaying the memories in his head, and I can tell by his tight posture and labored breathing that there’s more to the story, but I won’t force him to share it unless he feels the need.

  It’s silent for so long that I start to wonder if he’s finally fallen asleep. I watch him for a while and wonder how he’s gotten through everything he has. Shortly after discovering his wife was pregnant and cheating on him must have been when the shocking news of her cancer hit.

  I lean back in my chair, pulling my knees up to my chest. Unable to help myself, I reach out and lightly run my fingers through Jacob’s thick, dark hair. It’s tremendously soft and feels like silk, and I think I could run my hands through the strands for hours.

  “Mmm. That feels good,” Jacob murmurs.

  My eyes flick to his, and they are open, his attention zeroed in on me. I start to retract my hand, but he catches me and laces our fingers together. Instinct tells me to pull away—this is crossing that arbitrary line of personal meets professional—but I can’t bring myself to care right now.

  We watch each other as we listen to Jenna’s ventilator quietly compress air to ensure her breathing stays even. It’s relaxing, being in Jacob’s presence like this, and I feel my lids growing heavy, but I fight against the pull of slumber. This is a moment I’ll probably never have again, and I want to cherish every second. Sleep would serve me well since I have a quiz and a full day of classes tomorrow, but I can’t find it in me to care.

  Breaking the silence, I whisper, “You’ve been through so much, Jacob.”

  His eyes soften on me, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry. I wish there were something I could do to help.” />
  I rub my thumb along his hand. His skin is smooth, soft.

  “You’re helping more than you know.” Lifting our conjoined hands to his lips, he presses a kiss against mine.

  The simple act makes me feel cherished and appreciated. Something I haven’t felt in a long time, possibly ever.

  “You closely watch over my daughter, which gives me peace of mind. You’re here for me when no one else has been. Without knowing, you’ve helped carry me through these past few agonizing days, and that’s not something I’m used to.” He takes a deep breath. “But I’ve realized I value it very much.”

  His words make me tingle everywhere but, most of all, in my chest.

  To have someone like Jacob treasure me—for doing what only comes naturally to me—touches me in places I closed off long ago, places I thought were dark and cold. His adoration breathes light and life back into the spaces I’ve neglected and protected fiercely. The sensation scares me because I guard myself for a reason, but it also awakens me in a way I haven’t been in several years.

  Sitting still, I try to cope with the feelings that were brought about by his words.

  “Tell me something personal about you, Joslyn. I feel like I’ve bled my pathetic heart out to you.” Jacob gives me an easy smile.

  “What do you want to know?”

  I should know better than to ask open-ended questions, but he did willingly provide difficult details about his past and his relationship with his deceased wife.

  “Everything,” he immediately answers.

  I laugh gently. “You’ll have to be a little more specific than that.”

  Looking up at the ceiling, he bobs his head back and forth in thought. When he obviously thinks of a subject, his eyes slide in my direction and capture me.

  I could get lost in those electric-blue irises for hours, days…

  “Will you tell me a little more about your surgery? You don’t have to give me particulars if they’re personal, but I do want to know you’re okay.” He tightens his hand around mine. “The day I met you in the park, I knew something more was wrong than your asshole of a boyfriend breaking up with you. I didn’t want to push because we were ultimately strangers, but now…”