Half of Me

by J. M. Paul

  “What?” all three of them exclaim at the same time.

  “What?” I counter.

  “You’re not working. If I had known those were your plans, I would’ve insisted that you come home with me.” Maya gives me a stern expression.

  “It’s not a big deal, guys. I love my job.” I lift my arms over my head and pull on each one.

  “What about Jagger and Jenna? Or Jake, for that matter? Aren’t you spending it with them?” Camila asks.

  “Jacob invited me, but I’m not family.” I shrug.

  Just then, we hear the door open and then close. There’s shuffling and then keys and possibly the mail hitting the counter. A few seconds later, a very haggard Jacob enters the living room but halts when he sees four women watching him.

  “Hey. Sorry to interrupt.” Jacob’s eyes find mine and hold them.

  His hair is a mess, and he has dark circles under his eyes. The tie around his neck has been loosened, and the first two buttons at his throat are undone. It seems like he’s had a long night, but tingles still zing through my body.

  “How’d the meeting go?” I ask.

  “Good. Long.” His attention eventually diverts from me to take in the three women staring at him.

  “Sorry. Jacob, you know Maya.” I point to my dark-skinned beauty of a best friend.

  Jacob nods at her.

  “That’s Liz.” I gesture to my redheaded friend. “And this is Camila.” I point at my very pregnant friend.

  “It’s nice to meet you both.” He scratches the stubble on his chin. “I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s been a long day, and I’m exhausted. I’m going to head to bed.”

  “Okay. Night, Jacob,” I breathe.

  He watches me for the longest second, almost as if he wants to do or say something but isn’t sure if he should.

  “Night,” he finally murmurs before turning down the hall.

  When we hear his bedroom door latch, my girlfriends quietly squeal in delight.

  “What?” I peer at them like they’ve all gone crazy.

  “He so has the hots for you.” Camila beams.

  “He does not.” I shake my head and roll my eyes.

  “Um, were you in the same room as us? You could cut the sexual tension in here with a stiletto.” Maya stands and starts to gather the mess of food and drinks we made.

  “It’s true.” Liz stands, and it shocks me when she starts helping to clean up as well.

  Liz, Maya, and I straighten up, and then I head to the couch to help Camila get to her feet.

  When she stands, she takes my cheeks in her hands and searches my eyes. “You need to take Jake up on his offer to spend Christmas with them. You’ve been spending holidays alone for most of your life.” She pulls me into a hug. “It’s time to put yourself out there, Jos. See what the universe has planned for you next.”

  When Camila leans back, her mouth is lifted in a sad smile. “You always put other people first.” She brushes a piece of hair out of my face. “Open up, let Jake see what’s inside you, and let him decide if it’s what he wants. You won’t know until you try. If you don’t, I have a feeling you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” She kisses my nose. “Your surgery is something that happened to you; it isn’t what made you. So, you need to find out who that person is and set her free.”

  “How did you become so wise?” I smile softly.

  “I think it’s Ben’s superpower sperm growing this beast inside me.”

  She smirks, and I snort out a laugh.

  “Lord help the universe.” My eyes go wide.

  “Amen, sista. Merry Christmas, Jos.” Camila shakes me back and forth.

  “Merry Christmas.” I lean down to talk to her belly. “Be good to your mommy, or she’ll put in a bad word with Santa, and you won’t get any presents next year.”

  I walk the three best friends a girl could ask for to the door. I’m not sure what I did in this life or the last to deserve them, but I’m happy they’re mine.

  As I close the door and finish cleaning up our mess, I think about what Camila said to me.

  As much as I wish my surgery hadn’t happened to me, it did. I can’t change the situation. It’s pointless to pine for something that never was and never will be. I have to embrace what is because, no matter what happens, I’ll never be the same girl. And, after all the fighting I’ve done, I’m starting to discover that maybe I don’t want to be the same person I was. I’ve been through a mountain of crap and learned too much. It seems like it would be such a wasted experience if I lost sight of that.

  CHAPTER 20

  * * *

  MELTED CHOCOLATE

  “Joslyn!” An excited Jagger barrels into me when I walk into the living room after my twelve-hour shift at the hospital. “Merry Christmas!”

  It’s Christmas Day, and I can tell Jagger’s excitement over the holiday hasn’t dwindled.

  “Hey, buddy.” I drop my bag to the floor and crouch down to his level. “Merry Christmas. Did you have a good day?”

  He nods enthusiastically, and I laugh.

  “Did Santa bring you and Jenna lots of goodies?” I gaze over his shoulder and see a large pile of toys and clothes by the tree. All the lights are off, except for the twinkling tree and a movie flashing on the television. There’s a heap of blankets spread over the living room, and Jacob’s stretched out in the middle of them, playing with Jenna on the floor.

  Jacob’s eyes lift to mine, and the heat in them sets my heart on fire. I’ve only been home a few seconds, and I have said a handful of words to Jagger, but with one look from Jacob, I can tell that something’s changed. Not about the kids, not about anything work-related, but something that sits between us—as a man and a woman.

  “Santa brought me all kinds of stuff! Wanna see?” Jagger pulls on my hand to try to lead me toward the tree. “You have presents, too!”

  Smiling at his excitement, I stand and lift my bag. “How about I go change first? And I might have something for you in my room as well.” I bop him on his tiny nose.

  Jagger’s eyes go wide. “You do?”

  “Maybe. I guess I should go and find out,” I tease.

  “Go! Go! Go!” Jagger starts to push me toward the bedrooms.

  “I’ll be right back.” I shake my head at Jagger.

  Jacob is still watching me, so I smile at him before I disappear down the hallway.

  Several minutes later, when I enter the living room and place my armful of presents under the tree, I smell Chinese food, and there are a couple of candles lit.

  “Daddy, Daddy! Can we open presents now?” Jagger jumps up and down.

  “No. Sit.” Jacob points to the floor next to him. “Not until after you eat.”

  “Oh, man.” Jagger’s shoulders slump before he plops down next to Jacob.

  “Cute pajamas.” Jacob smirks when I walk over to the coffee table where he and Jagger are digging into the slew of white to-go food containers.

  “Thanks.” I pull on my Mickey Mouse and Pluto ugly-sweater pajamas and sit cross-legged on the floor next to Jagger.

  “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I ordered a little of everything.” Jacob hands me a large serving spoon.

  “I see that.” I dig in and take several spoonfuls from different boxes.

  “Hungry?” Jacob grins as he shoves a large amount of noodles in his mouth with chopsticks.

  “Starved.” I nod.

  “How was the hospital?” Jacob tosses Jagger a napkin and points at his own mouth to show Jagger where he needs to wipe.

  Jagger smears the napkin all over his face and then goes right back to eating his sweet and sour chicken.

  “Did you forget to feed the monster today?” I laugh at Jagger. “Work was good. It was slow, which made a long day even longer.”

  “But you got to snuggle on babies all day.” His eyes gleam, reminding me of a conversation we had.

  “Yes. There’s that.” I pop a piece of almond chicken into my mouth
.

  “Jenna probably wouldn’t mind being held either.” He jerks his head toward her on the floor, flailing her arms and legs, talking to herself. “This one”—he points with his chopsticks at Jagger—“has been quite demanding today. Wanting me to put together every single present Santa brought him. I’m going to have to have words with that fat man about his present choices.”

  “I have to poop,” Jagger announces before farting.

  I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to hold back my laughter.

  “Well then, I guess you’ve had enough to eat. Go to the bathroom.” Jacob dismisses Jagger and then grabs his son’s almost-empty plate and stacks it on his.

  I grab an eggroll and lean my back against the couch.

  “Do you want more?” Jacob asks before he starts closing containers.

  “No, I’m stuffed. Thank goodness for stretchy pants.” The corner of my lip quirks up before I shove a large bite of eggroll in my mouth.

  “There are still Christmas cookies left, too. I made sure Jagger didn’t eat them all.” Jacob stands and walks to the kitchen with the trash.

  “That’ll be round two.” I pop the last bite into my mouth and then crawl on my knees over to where Jenna’s lying.

  “I thought you said you were full!” Jacob yells from the kitchen.

  “He acts like this is the first time he’s been around a woman.” I take one of Jenna’s hands and wiggle it.

  Her blue eyes find mine, and she smiles and coos. It sends an arrow straight through my heart.

  “You’re going to have a lot to teach him about our race.”

  I lean down, place my mouth on her belly, and blow. Jenna’s skin vibrates, making her squeal and kick her arms and legs.

  “Good luck with that.”

  I tickle her feet, and she squeals.

  “She’s never happier than when you’re at home and playing with her.” Jacob’s standing above us, intently gazing down at me. “You make all of us happier when you’re around.”

  He holds my eyes, and the way he stares at me tightens my throat and sends a shower of sparks down my spine. His softly spoken words are like honey that spreads its warmth and sweetness throughout my body.

  “Aw shucks. You sure know how to make a girl feel good,” I tease, trying to lighten the mood.

  “If you let me, I could make you feel good in ways you never knew possible.” His voice is husky, and his electric-blue eyes are unwavering and have deepened in color.

  My lips part, the hair on my arms rise, my pulse races, and my breathing increases. All it takes is a few words and a certain look from Jacob, and I’m putty in his hands.

  “I—we—you…” I stammer, unable to align my thoughts.

  Does he mean what I think he means?

  “I’m not a patient man, and I’m tired of playing games, Joslyn. Yes, I’m technically your boss, but I don’t give a shit.” He crouches down in front of me and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “I’m a man who goes after what he wants, and what I want is you. In my bed.”

  He arches a brow in challenge, but I remain silent, unable to speak.

  “You’re all I think about, dream about.” He runs a finger down my cheek, trails it down my neck to my breasts, and circles my nipple through my Mickey Mouse Christmas pajamas.

  I gasp and close my eyes at the sensation. It seems like it’s been entirely too long since I’ve felt this way—like a woman who is desirable. My nipples tighten, and heat gathers between my legs. One touch from Jacob, and I’m melted chocolate on the floor, his to take and devour.

  “Let me have you.” He licks his lips and inches closer. “Let me show you all the ways I can make you scream.” He buries his hand in my hair and jerks my head back to meet his stare. “Do you want that as much as I do? Me, you, and nothing between us but our hunger for one another.”

  I nod instantly.

  He traces his nose along my jaw and neck, inhaling my scent. “Damn, you smell good.” His tongue reaches out and licks the sensitive skin behind my ear. He growls, “You taste even better. I need you—”

  “I’m done pooping, Daddy. Can we finish watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer now?” Jagger walks into the living room, completely clueless as to what he interrupted.

  Jacob and I break apart, my breathing labored and Jacob’s face flushed. Jacob clears his throat as he sits on the blanket next to me.

  “How about we start it from the beginning, so I can enjoy it, too?” I recover before Jacob does.

  “Yeah!” Jagger sits on the blankets with Jacob, Jenna, and me.

  “Don’t you want to give Joslyn her presents first?” Jacob asks.

  Jagger nods and runs to the tree. He starts to dig under it. “Come on, Daddy, help me find the presents.”

  “Daddy needs to sit and rest for a minute, but they’re all under there.” Jacob shifts on the blanket.

  When I furrow my brows at him, he nods his head down to his crotch. I choke on my laughter, and Jacob gives me the evil eye. This is the second time this has happened to us. We need to get smarter about when and where we get carried away.

  “I’ll help, so I can hand out my presents as well,” I say to Jagger.

  I squeeze Jacob’s leg as I stand, and he flinches.

  Poor guy must really be worked up. Such a shame.

  Jagger and I hand out the presents, and I’m surprised that I have any. Jagger opens his large stack of movies and books from me and the Spider-Man figurine he wanted. I got Jenna a cute stuffed pig and several outfits since she’s growing out of everything she currently has.

  Jacob unwraps his gift, and I can feel embarrassment slowly creeping up my neck and into my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what to get the lowest-maintenance man I knew or the one who could afford to buy himself anything he wanted. He sits still, staring at what’s in his hands. He doesn’t say anything right away, and that scares me.

  “Joslyn,” he murmurs my name.

  And that’s it. Nothing else comes out. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure what to get you. If you hate it, I can get you something else. Obviously, that’s nonrefundable, but…” I scratch my chin.

  “I love it. It’s absolutely perfect.” When he lifts his attention to me, his expression is warm, open, and everything I hoped it would be. “When did you do this?”

  He flips the black frame around and searches for what I can only assume is a date. I wish I’d thought to write one.

  “Last week. I wanted it to be as recent as possible.” I smile shyly.

  On my day off, I took the kids to a local photographer to have their picture professionally taken. It turned out better than I’d anticipated. Both Jagger and Jenna were in great moods and particularly well behaved. The photograph I had framed for Jacob is of Jagger holding Jenna. Jagger was dressed in light blue, Jenna in pastel pink, and they were against a white background. In the picture, Jenna is reaching up and touching Jagger’s cheek, and he is smiling down at her, proudly wearing his big-brother armor.

  Jagger will make a great protector for Jenna someday.

  My stomach shrinks when I realize I won’t be around to see him grow into his role.

  “Thank you so much, Joslyn. I love it. I…I’m speechless, which never happens.”

  There’s a genuine smile on his lips, and it makes my chest tighten.

  This man just told me he wants me. That I’m all he thinks about, dreams about, and I feel the same way about him. As he watches me with the candles glowing and the Christmas lights twinkling in the background, I eye his mussed hair, sleep pants, white T-shirt stretching across his broad, muscled chest, and sexy-as-hell bare feet.

  And I know, I freaking know, there’s no more fighting against him or my beliefs that it’s a bad idea for something to happen between us. Bad ideas make the best stories, and damn it, I’m the author of mine. I want—no, I need to have some bad decisions fill my pages. Even though the two of us together is wrong, I kn
ow it’ll be so right.

  It’s Christmas, and I decide I’m going to give myself a sexy present named Jacob.

  “What are you thinking about over there?” Jacob interrupts my pondering.

  A mischievous smirk tilts my lips, and his brows lift.

  “Daddy! Give Joslyn the rest of her presents.” Jagger bounces up and down.

  It takes Jacob a minute before he peels his gaze away from mine. He hands me a nicely wrapped square box with a bow I know he didn’t tie himself. The present is too nice for man hands to have touched it.

  “Thank you.” I jiggle it and widen my eyes at Jagger. “What do you think is in here?”

  “It’s a—” Jagger starts to say, but Jacob covers his mouth and shakes his head. Jagger’s cheeks lift to scrunch his eyes.

  I tear the paper back to expose a white box beneath. My eyes seek Jacob’s, and his attention is glued to me. When I lift the lid, a dainty silver necklace with a lowercase J is secured inside. Hanging next to the J is a smaller gold smiley face.

  “You never mentioned anything you wanted or needed, so I wasn’t sure what to get you,” Jacob says softly.

  “I love it.” I carefully pull the necklace from the box and hold it in the palm of my hand to inspect it further. “The smiley face is cute.”

  “You’ve been through a lot lately, and I thought you could use a little happiness.” Jacob shrugs, almost seeming uncomfortable.

  “It’s perfect, Jacob. Thank you so much.”

  “Daddy, can I play with my toys?” Jagger asks, the movie completely forgotten.

  “Sure, buddy.” Jacob scoots closer to me. “Want me to put it on for you?”

  “Yes, please.” I turn slightly and lift my hair out of the way.

  Jacob takes the necklace, wraps it around my neck, and secures it. His fingers linger on my neck, and it sends chills down my arms. He moves forward, and suddenly, his soft lips press against the skin at the base of my shoulder.

  “Maybe you’ll let me take this along with everything else you’re wearing off soon,” he breathes against my kiss-dampened skin.

  Soon doesn’t sound quick enough.

  CHAPTER 21