Twice Shy

by Sally Malcolm

  Uncle Luca and Uncle Theo.

  “Hey.” Joel touched his hip, a subtle affectionate gesture. He still wasn’t entirely comfortable with public displays of affection—the Valentine’s Ball notwithstanding—which made these subtle touches even more meaningful.

  Ollie turned, smiling. “Looks like we’re nearly done. People are heading home.”

  “Mmm.” Joel’s eyes drifted over to Luca, Theo, and the boys. “They’re getting on great, huh?”

  “Like a house on fire. But don’t worry, the boys still like you the best.” He nudged their shoulders together. “And so do I.”

  Joel nudged him back. “Well, the feeling’s mutual.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Very much yeah.”

  “You know, I’m beginning to regret your decision to host the PTA end of year party tonight.” Ollie wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “We could have asked Luca to take the kids up to the Majestic and had ourselves a little afternoon delight.”

  Joel eyed him speculatively. “I guess there’s always the PTA shed.”

  With a snort, Ollie shoved him away just as Alyssa and Cam strolled over. “You guys are so adorable,” she said, grinning. “And Jackie says start breaking down the stand. If you need help with the grill, my ‘other half’ can help out.”

  “Hey,” Cam objected, good-naturedly.

  “We’ve got it,” Joel said. “Luca’s taking the boys. You guys are both coming over right? I’ve got enough potato salad to feed a small town.” He gave the grill a rueful look. “And more stuff to grill.”

  “Wouldn’t miss it,” Alyssa said. “Dalia’s psyched to see inside a teacher’s house. I have no idea what she’s expecting.”

  Joel laughed. “I’ll be sure to set up a whiteboard for her in the garden.”

  Once the exodus started, people left the carnival in a flood. Amazing how quick people moved when they thought you might ask them to lend a hand with clear-up. Not that Ollie minded too much. He didn’t mind a lot of things these days; everything was better with Joel at his side. He felt like he could take on the world. And Joel was at his side most of the time. As often as they could manage between work and trying to keep things stable for the boys. But they—all three of them—had slept over at Joel’s several times now, and it had been good. Great, even. Joel was fantastic with the kids, they liked him, and they often went out together at the weekends. Ollie didn’t dare call it going out ‘as a family’, he certainly hadn’t voiced the thought to Joel, but that was exactly how it felt. He’d even introduced Joel to the Palmers, and that hadn’t gone terribly.

  “Hey, Ollie!” Luca called. “We’ll head out now.” Ollie glanced up from tying a black trash sack to see Luca, with Luis on his shoulders, heading his way. Theo followed, holding Rory’s hand.

  “Thanks, Luca. Joel gave you a key?”

  Luca tapped his pocket. “And I know where his cooler is.”

  “Awesome. Everything’s set up in the yard, so just make yourselves at home. Everyone else should show up in dribs and drabs.” He glanced over to where Joel was scrubbing at the grill. “We’ll be there once we’ve got all this packed away.”

  “We’re gonna have s’mores,” Rory announced. “And I’m gonna toast the marshmallows all by myself.”

  “Uh, if that’s okay with Ollie?” Theo added quickly.

  “Sure. You’ll be careful and do what you’re told, right, Rory?”

  Another of those eye-rolls. “Yes, Ollie.”

  “We’ll try not to make him sick,” Luca said with a grin. “But he did a good job on his burger, so I figured…”

  “It’s fine,” Ollie assured him. “The occasional treat’s good for the soul. Besides, this is a celebration. No more PTA until September!”

  Once the boys were gone, it didn’t take them long to break down the stand and haul everything to the PTA shed. Joel seemed especially motivated, working like a demon to get it all packed away. Ollie figured he wanted to get home and supervise the party at his house. Not the most extrovert of people, it was a big deal for Joel to host a party. Ollie had been surprised when he’d suggested it, but at the same time he couldn’t help feeling that having Ollie at his side helped Joel venture out of his comfort zone. He took that as a good sign. Even so, he was aware of Joel’s tension as they worked to stack the tables into the shed and wanted to ease it. Touching his shoulder, he said, “Hey.”

  Joel turned, stopping with a table shoved half into place. “Yeah?”

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  Joel blinked at him, startled. “What is?”

  “The party. It’s going to be great. Everyone’s going to have a fantastic time.”

  “Oh.” He relaxed a little. “Yeah. I hope so.”

  Ollie rubbed his shoulder. Voices outside drifted closer, but even so he leaned in and brushed a light kiss over Joel’s lips. “I know so. It’s an awesome idea.”

  Joel’s expression shifted. “I really hope you’re right.”

  Ollie risked another kiss, even though he could hear Jackie’s shrill tones coming closer and the low rumble of the grill being wheeled over the grass. Sounded like Bill had been pressed into service again. “Come on, let’s get this done and get out of here. You’ll feel better once you’re there and can micromanage everything.”

  Joel laughed, and to Ollie’s surprise chased his kiss with one of his own, sliding an arm around his waist to pull him close. “I love you,” he said, and even though he said it a lot these days it never failed to make Ollie’s heart soar.

  “Right back atcha,” he said, and kissed his smiling lips.

  “Oh, excuse me!”

  Jackie’s surprised squawk from the shed doorway had them jumping apart like guilty teenagers. Joel flushed, but there was laughter in his eyes as he turned to shove the last table into place. “Sorry, Jackie,” he said, back turned. “I guess we’re a little giddy school’s out for summer.”

  “Yes, well.” She cleared her throat. Behind her, Bill was looking startled and pink-cheeked next to the grill. “I came to tell you to go home. We’ll finish the rest and make sure everything’s locked up.”

  “But you’re both coming over later, right?” Ollie said, stepping out of the shed to help Bill with the grill.

  “Of course. I can’t wait to see your house, Joel. All the work you’ve done. I’m hoping you’ll give Bill some tips.”

  Bill shared a look with Ollie and said, “I still don’t see what’s wrong with hiring professionals.”

  “The cost for one thing,” Jackie said, in what sounded like a well-rehearsed argument.

  Once Ollie had helped Bill get the grill into the shed, he and Joel left them to their debate and headed back across the sports field towards the parking lot and Joel’s car. He’d picked them up this morning, because they were sleeping over at his place for the weekend, and Ollie couldn’t wait. The trunk was stuffed with the kids’ sleeping bags and other necessities—it looked like they were moving in for a week, rather than a couple nights—and Ollie slipped into the passenger seat with relief.

  “Is it a sign I’m getting old,” he said, “that I actually enjoy sitting down?”

  Joel snorted. “It’s a sign you’ve been on your feet all day.”

  “I’m looking forward to a cold beer, that’s for sure.”

  “You and me both.”

  It was only a ten-minute drive to Joel’s place, and they made the journey in a comfortable silence. Ollie was tired, but he was also looking forward to the after-party. Jackie and Alyssa, and all the other parents involved, had worked damned hard over the last year organizing fun and games for the kids, and raising vital money for the school. He was proud of them, and of his own small part in it, and they deserved this party. He’d arranged a collection among the other parents and had bought a bouquet of flowers each for Jackie and Alyssa. He was looking forward to presenting them along with everyone’s thanks. All in all, he felt good. Tired, mellow, and content. No, more than content. H
e glanced over at the man at his side, his heart lifting toward him as it always did. He felt happy. And lucky as hell.

  Joel looked contemplative as he drove, lost in thought. He was an introspective guy, and although sometimes Ollie liked to jolly him out of it there were other times, like now, when he knew Joel needed his inner space. He’d just spent all day at a carnival and was about to host a party. Poor guy was going to be catatonic by tomorrow. The thought roused an affectionate swell of feeling, and Ollie reached out to touch his leg. Joel smiled, and without taking his eyes off the road, threaded their fingers together and squeezed.

  Once they’d parked up and were heading into his house, Joel took Ollie’s hand again. The sound of music, chatter, and laughter rose from behind the house, the driveway and street outside crammed with cars as everyone made their way over from the school. Joel’s fingers tightened around Ollie’s, his tension palpable as he opened the front door.

  The familiar scent of Joel’s home greeted them, a mixture of wood polish and pine that Ollie had learned to love. Through the open-plan living area he saw everyone out in the yard. Luca stood behind the grill, and the aroma of chicken and steak made Ollie’s stomach growl despite having spent all afternoon flipping burgers. Luca was laughing at something going on further into the yard. Ollie couldn’t see, but he could hear Rory’s laughter too and imagined he was in on the joke. Or possibly the comedian. Eager to join in, he headed down the hall, but Joel’s grip on his hand tightened and stopped him.

  Turning, Ollie gave him a curious look. “Okay?”

  “Yes.” But Joel didn’t move, didn’t let go of his hand. “There’s something I want to show you first. Upstairs.”

  Ollie raised his eyebrows. “Not that I don’t enjoy seeing it, but is now really the time?”

  Joel’s tense expression softened into a smile. “Not that, doofus. Come on.”

  Intrigued, and unaccountably nervous—or maybe excited?—Ollie let Joel lead him upstairs. They didn’t go to Joel’s bedroom, but headed further down the hall, past the spare room which the boys used when they slept over, sharing a double bed in their little sleeping bags, to the fourth bedroom Joel had been working on turning into a home office.

  Unsure what to expect, Ollie just watched as Joel drew him to a halt outside the closed door. Joel was nervous, Ollie could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. He cleared his throat. “I, um… Well. Let me just show you.” He turned the handle and pushed open the door, leading Ollie into a beautifully decorated room: walls a delicate eggshell blue, a warm hardwood floor, sunshine spilling in through wide windows overlooking the yard and the trees beyond it. A dresser stood beneath the window, and to either side of it were low twin beds with jaunty nautical bedding—all pirates and sea creatures. A large red and white striped lighthouse was painted on one wall and an empty bookshelf filled the other, on each bed sat a gorgeous teddy bear.

  Ollie was astonished. It was the perfect children’s bedroom. His throat tightened, cutting off any chance of speaking even if he’d known what to say. Or what this meant.

  Joel shuffled his feet, then took both of Ollie’s hands in his. “I have a speech, so…” He cleared his throat. “You’re a fantastic dad to Rory and Luis. I’m in awe of what you’ve done, giving up your own dreams to be there for them, to honor Jules’ and Ellis’s wishes and raise their kids as they’d have wanted. I don’t think you need any help to do that. You’re doing a fantastic job on your own.

  “But…I love you, Ollie. Being with you, caring for you—helping you care for the boys—has given me everything I ever wanted. Sometimes, when I look at you, I can hardly breathe; you’ve filled all the empty spaces in my heart. But I want you to reach your dreams too. You deserve that chance. You deserve to go back to school, to finish your master’s, to fulfill your potential. And I want to help you do it.”

  “Joel,” Ollie protested. “You can’t…”

  “No, hear me out. I want this to be your home, yours and Rory’s and Luis’s. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you, Ollie. And supporting you. And helping you raise the boys if that’s…” His voice gave out. “If that’s something you’d trust me to do?”

  “Trust you? Of course, but Joel—”

  “If you live here, you won’t need to make rent. I can help with childcare, and you—” His hands tightened on Ollie’s, crushing his fingers. “You can quit your job and go back to school. You can become an architect, or whatever it is you want to be. You deserve it, Ollie.”

  It was too much. He tore one hand free and pressed it over his mouth, his throat too thick for speech. Joel was offering everything he wanted, a dream of a life. All he had to do was say yes. But how could he? “I can’t take all that from you.”

  “You’re not taking.” Joel’s voice had an urgent edge. “I’d be giving. And, Ollie, don’t you know how much you’ve already given me? You’ve given me everything. I was empty before I met you. But you’ve filled me up. You’ve given me life. You, and the boys. God, you know how much I love them too, right? I love all of you. I feel like…” His voice broke, eyes glittering. “I feel like I fit, like we fit together. You, me, and the boys. I feel like we could be a family. If you…” His fingers tightened on Ollie’s hand. “Do you feel the same?”

  Ollie nodded. “I do. But you have so much and I—”

  “It’s stuff,” Joel said, taking him by the shoulders. “I have stuff, Ollie. What you have is so much more. You’ve given me the chance to be part of a family. Don’t you see? If anyone’s the unequal partner in this, it’s me.”

  That was ridiculous, but Ollie could see the sincerity in Joel’s eyes. He smiled and reached up to cover one of Joel’s hands. “You remember when we first kissed?”

  “Burned into my memory,” Joel said with an emotional smile. “Much like the beam of Jackie’s flashlight burned into my retinas…”

  Ollie laughed. “I remember thinking that it felt like puzzle pieces sliding into place, as if everything that had been chaotic was slotting back together. It felt…significant. I wondered whether I was over-thinking at the time, but now I know I was right. That’s exactly what was happening.” Looking around at the beds and their teddy bears, he noticed they each wore a little sweater— one with an R on the front and one with an L. His heart, soft and melty as it already was, gave a helpless kick. “This is a beautiful room, Joel. The boys will love it.”

  “Then you’ll… You’ll stay? You’ll move in?”

  Joel watched him with such intense hope that Ollie kicked himself for letting him doubt for a second. “Yes,” he said, feeling a bubble of joy rise with the word. “Yes, of course I will. How could I do anything else? You’re the love of my fucking life, Joel Morgan.”

  And then they were in each other’s arms, crushing air out of lungs, and making ribs squeak. When Joel’s lips met his, Ollie could taste the salt of tears—happy tears—and the only thing that dragged them apart was the sound of small feet clattering upstairs.

  “Ollie!” Rory called from down the hall. “Ollie?”

  “I don’t think they’re up here.” Luca’s voice. “Let’s go back outside, kiddo. Maybe they needed to shower after all that, er, hot work?”

  Ollie exchanged a look with Joel, who scrubbed quickly at his eyes, and smoothed down his hair. Then he nodded, smiling so hard Ollie couldn’t stop grinning himself. “In here, Rory! Come and look, Joel has a surprise for you.”

  A moment later, Rory appeared in the doorway, Luca at his shoulder looking curious. “What is it?” Rory said.

  Ollie held out his hand and Rory came to him, slipping his small hand into Ollie’s. “Look,” he said. “Joel’s made this room for you and Luis to sleep in when we stay here. See? There’s a bed each and…who’s that sitting on the beds?”

  Rory looked, then smiled. “It’s a new cuddly!”

  “Do you see their shirts? L for Luis. R for Rory.”

  Rory nodded, then cautiously said, “Are they for us to keep?” />
  “Sure are, buddy,” Joel said, and Ollie didn’t miss the tremor in his voice. “But you’re going to need to think of good names for them.”

  “I will,” Rory said, going over and climbing onto his bed. He still had his shoes on, and Ollie grimaced but didn’t want to spoil the moment. “Luis just calls his cuddlies Bear and Rabbit.”

  Joel exchanged an amused look with Ollie. “Well, that’s okay too.”

  “Can we sleep in here tonight?” Rory said, lying down flat and bouncing a little.

  “Sure,” Ollie said. “It’ll be fun, huh?”

  “And can Joel make us pancakes with chocolate syrup for breakfast?”

  Joel caught Ollie’s eye. “Um…?”

  “That’s up to Joel,” Ollie said, because if they were going to do this together then Joel would need to stop deferring to him on every decision regarding the boys.

  “Sunday treat, then,” Joel decided with a brilliant smile. “As long as you drink your milk, too.”

  “Milk’s gross.”

  “That’s the deal, buddy.”

  From the doorway, Luca said, “Sounds like you guys might be spending more time here in the future?”

  Ollie beamed and slipped his arm around Joel’s waist. “Yeah. We will. Slowly, you know, so everyone gets used to the idea. But eventually…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence, looked up and saw understanding and love in Joel’s eyes. “By Christmas, for sure.”

  When he looked back to Luca, he was met with a wide grin. “Congratulations.” Then he held out his hand toward Rory. “Hey, kiddo, why don’t you bring your new friend downstairs and show Uncle Theo? He has a teddy bear too.”

  Rory looked skeptical. “Does he really?”

  “Sure. He’s called Little Ted and he lives in the top of Uncle Theo’s closet. Come on, let’s go show him Mr. R over there. Maybe he can help you come up with a cool name.” He threw a wink at Joel and Ollie. “Take your time, guys.”