Foster's Fall (Foster's Life)

by Jake Williams

  “Yeah, I mean no! It must have been those pills Brent passed out. Everybody seems really...confused about last night. But maybe we...did.”

  He nodded and told me, “This might be something I’d like to...discuss, or recreate or something.” He and Dave walked into the showers and I sprinted back to my room.

  When all of us got down to the dining room there were only a few chairs left so we scattered around the table. I was sitting next to Yoda and when I went to steal a piece of bacon off his plate he snarled at me and swatted my hand away. “Unless you want to lose that arm you should probably get your own food, Foster.”

  Brent was on my other side and told me, “I hope you do well today, Foster.”

  “Thanks, Bro. But I’m ready for the press conference.”

  “No, I meant the exam. The only thing I remember about that movie is some guy jumping off a bridge at the end.” He frowned a little. “I hope that’s not some kind of omen.”

  Spence, Dave, Rob, and Hunter were waiting for me at the side door. Rob poked his head out and waved us all forward. We weren’t loading into Spence’s car, this one was bigger, American, and had blinking blue lights tucked into the grille and taillights. Rob grinned and said, “Guess what, Foster? I’m promoting you from the trunk to the backseat. But I do want you sitting in the middle, with Spence and Hunter on either side.” He pointed at Dave. “You’re riding shotgun.” We piled in and halfway down the driveway I could see the cops moving cones and barricades. Rob kept gathering speed and shot out onto the street as reporters dove onto the lawn. I kept thinking he would have to slow down for the campus gate but it slid open and we squeaked through it. “See, things are getting back to normal for you already, Foster.”

  Dave nodded. “So, you’ve seen how Foster drives.”

  Rob followed me into the history building and I took a seat in the back row. He was standing behind me and the Professor walked over to us. He pointed at Rob’s earpiece and the mike and said, “That has to be the most blatant form of cheating I’ve ever seen! Sit down, young man, and take those sunglasses off!”

  The exam consisted of questions about the most important aspects of life in the 70’s—Saturday Night Fever, The Godfather, Jaws, Star Wars, Alien, Animal House, Patty Hearst, Watergate, Van Halen, Peter Frampton, and Vietnam. The essay caught me off guard, it asked for a comparison between Richard Nixon and my father. I thought for about thirty seconds and wrote, “Nixon was sneaky and paranoid, my father is horny and stupid.” I walked down to the girl who was collecting the exams with Rob on my heels, after I tossed mine in the pile we headed out of the building.

  Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press

  We walked over to the admin building and found Levi sitting behind Ashley’s desk.

  I gave my cap a little tug and tucked my hands into my front pockets and practiced looking humble and sincere. When he got off the phone we followed him downstairs and into some space behind a curtain. I heard the reporters chatting on the other side of it and Levi gave me a little shove. “Go out there and make us proud, Foster. And remember, try to slide in a few things about Hawthorne.”

  I walked out and stood at the podium. Once I got adjusted to the lights and cameras I pulled my cap off and tucked it in my back pocket. I nodded at all the reporters crowding the room and said, “Hi. I just have a few comments to make, and then I’ll take a few questions. Everybody knows about my father and Megan, my only connection to things is that he is my father.” The reporters leaned forward and were all quiet as they waited for more. “Uh, that’s it. That’s all I have to say. Oh! Except I’m sure you noticed on your way in how nice the campus is, this is a great college.”

  The room exploded as my name was shouted from everywhere all at the same time. I pointed at a woman in the first row and nodded.

  She asked, “How long have you known about this situation?”

  I replied, “I found out when I saw the press conference.”

  She followed up, “Are you trying to tell us you weren’t told in advance?”

  “That’s right. But are you aware of the impressive graduation rate at Hawthorne?”

  Some guy in a bow tie yelled out. “How do you think this will effect the election?”

  I raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you really need me to answer that question? But if I had to speculate I’d say it’s a great time to be a Democrat.”

  He shook his head. “You’re going to need to elaborate on that.”

  “No, I really don’t. Next question.”

  A blonde girl in the back row asked, “Do you care to comment on how this has changed the political climate in Washington?”

  “No, but I can tell you the climate here is fantastic. Beautiful summers, great snow boarding in the winter. And as you can see the fall foliage is nice, it’s...spectacular.”

  “But,” she stammered, “what about the relationship with your father? Have you discussed this scandal with your father, yet?”

  “Yes. We had dinner together.”

  “What did you discuss.”

  “Now I know why you’re in the back row. That’s absolutely none of your business. But I can tell you the Business School here is consistently ranked as one of the best.”

  A guy from MSNBC in the front row lectured me. “Young man, you can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Well, just shut us out like this. The public deserves to know, you need to tell us more than just crap about this school. It’s our first amendment right to ask questions, and you have to answer them. It’s the freedom of the press.”

  “You’re not from this country, are you?”

  “Why do you ask that?”

  “Next question.”

  A middle-aged woman from ABC asked me, “How has this scandal affected you, personally?”

  “You mean other than you ratings junkies irritating me and my roommates, not to mention ruining our front lawn? It hasn’t.”

  “Don’t you think,” a guy in the second row with a British accent asked, “don’t you think our viewers want to know your thoughts on this matter?”

  “You know, if I thought standin’ up here and answering dumbass questions would keep you from shoving a microphone in the face of some poor woman who just lost her husband today in a mining accident, or her kid two hours ago in a school shooting, and asking them what their thoughts are, or how they feel—if I thought I could distract you people from sucking on the marrow of every disaster that comes along, then I’d do it in a heartbeat. So, if any of you can think of a single friggin’ newsworthy question to ask me, if you think you’re doin’ anything of value here, then stick around. Otherwise go hop into your news vans and leave me the fuck alone.”

  I walked off the stage and Levi took my place at the podium. He said, “Well, I think that wraps up things here. Would anyone like a walking tour of the campus?”

  Party

  We were all piled up in my room, a few bros were playing a video game about zombies attacking rabid nuns, and the nuns were winning. Rob had disappeared with Dave and I wondered what that was about, but I was so wiped out I wasn’t sure that I cared. Spence, Quinn, and I were crashed across my bed and would occasionally lean over the edge and take a hit from the bong lying on the floor in front of us. Spence was also checking my phone for me and said, “Well, here’s a little good news for you, Foster. You got an ‘A’ on your history exam. And there’s a voicemail from some guy named Jason.” I took the phone from him and hit the callback button. When I got his voicemail I sighed and hung up.

  After I hung up the phone Dave asked, “What was that about? Who’s Jason?” I hadn’t realized he had come back into the room. Rob was sitting next to him on the couch.

  “Oh, uh—somebody just had a quick question, but I got his voicemail. I’ll shoot him a text later on.”

  “What did he want to know? The best kind of weed to buy, a cure for a hangover, how to duck a DUI checkpoint?” Spence asked, “Do you want me to start a blog
for you so people can just read the answers on it?”

  “Funny.” My mind started to wander, and I thought about Parker’s Bluff, and my father’s situation, and that guy Evan and his kid at the park, and I wondered out loud, “I wonder what it really means to be a man?”

  Quinn nudged me in the side and said, “I guess having balls would be the first thing on the list.” His brow furrowed and he added, “Unless you were in the military and lost your junk in a battle, then you’d even be more of a man.”

  I nodded. “No doubt.”

  Owen had paused the video game and offered, “Playing sports, getting laid, being able to hold your liquor?”

  Dave spoke up, “Owen, that’s not really being a man, that’s more like being a bro or a dude or a jock, something like that. I think being a man is about honor, integrity, things that earn respect.”

  Spence said, “No, because women can do all of those things. So I don’t think that’s what Foster meant.”

  One of the guys who was lying across the floor in front of the TV tipped his beer at me. “How ‘bout taking a leak standing up?”

  “You’ve never seen Britt when she’s wasted,” I told him.

  Quinn relit the bong and when he exhaled he asked, “What about being a good father? Uh, no offense, Foster.”

  “What—wait, no! He made a monumentally bad mistake, produced his own epic disaster or whatever. But he’s always been a decent father, at least I think so. And, we get back to what Spence said, women can be great parents, too.”

  Rob frowned. “It’s really just what you make of it, I guess. Some people would think Dave’s less of a man because he’s...well, gay. And they’d be wrong, because he can kick anybody in this room’s ass, probably. He plays sports, he’s smart, he respects everybody, and everybody I’ve met respects him. He’s as much of a man as Foster or Sheldon or any other guy around here. And I think he’d make an awesome father.”

  Dave got down on one knee and looked up at Rob. “I knew I’d find my prince! Marry me, we’ll have beautiful children.”

  Rob slapped him on the head and pulled him back on the couch. “And I think Foster would make a good father, too.” He watched me hitting the bong. “Well, once he sobers up a little.”

  Quinn tilted his head toward me and said, “I think as long as you’re asking yourself about this shit then you’ll end up fine, Bro. But right now we’re wired for all of this.” He waved around the room. “We have all the time in the world before we have to grow up.” He slapped me on the ass and wandered out of the room.

  Dave looked around and said to no one in particular. “I guess all of those things, or maybe none of them, make a good or a bad man. The definition of a man is pretty blurred, sometimes.” He leaned back and grinned. “Except for the penis part. Oh, and chest hair is a good indicator, too.”

  Patrick walked into the room and looked really pissed, which scared the shit out of me because he was about six six and pushing three hundred pounds. The other players on the football team had nicknamed him Demonosaurus Rex, and he was known for randomly rearranging small cars in parking lots with his bare hands. He shoved Dave and Rob to one end of the couch, and when he sat down I heard wood cracking under his weight.

  “So, Demonosaurus,” I asked tentatively, “what’s new with you, Bro?” He pulled a beer out the cooler in front of him and drained it, crushed it, and tossed it. It hit the back of Owen’s head and the poor guy wobbled a little but maintained consciousness.

  “I’m screwed, Foster, absolutely, positively, fucked. I wrecked my truck at the end of the block—it’s probably totaled! And I got the ticket, even though it wasn’t even close to being my fault. It was just, you know, one of those things that happens or whatever, do you know what I mean?”

  Dave was jammed against Rob and the end of the couch but he managed to gasp out, “That sucks, Patrick. What happened?”

  “I was going around the block to the sorority house. You know, I was horny and just wanted to see who I could find.” I pictured the girls hiding in closets or the attic and trembling in fear when they heard rumbling footsteps and ogre-like breathing coming through the house. “So, anyway, I came around the corner and there was an abandoned news truck parked at the intersection.” He gave me a cold stare and I tried to disappear into my mattress. “That fucking truck was blocking the stop sign, so I didn’t stop—”

  “Wait, Patrick. You mean the stop sign that’s been there for like, ever?” I spoke before I really thought about the consequences. He started to get up and then sighed and sat back down, the couch made a groan and sunk about three inches.

  “Whose side, exactly, are you on, shit for brains? Never mind, I couldn’t see it so I didn’t stop, that truck should not have been there! I got into the intersection and some idiot in a FedEx truck plowed into the driver’s side of my truck. He never even slowed down, but they didn’t give that fucker a ticket.”

  Owen was rubbing the back of his head and I wasn’t surprised to see a little blood between his fingers. He asked Patrick, “He hit your side of your truck? Damn, Bro, were you hurt?”

  He looked around the room and Dave and Rob ducked as he held his tree-trunk arms up. “Do you really think a FedEx truck is going to hurt me?”

  “What about the FedEx driver? How’s he doing?” I wondered if he was the guy who handled our route, I was waiting for about five boxes of shit to show up and I hoped this wouldn’t affect the delivery date.

  He shrugged. “I’m surprised you didn’t hear the helicopter. They had to cut him out of the truck and airlift him to the hospital. But like I told you Foster, it’s his fault. He deserves whatever he gets, it’s not my fault. But I’ve got to do something about this ticket—I’ve already got way too many tickets, and the cop told me my license was suspended last year. I mean, what the fuck? They don’t have a right to do that, not without a trial or something.”

  Spence asked him, “What kind of tickets did you get?”

  He said, “I’m not really sure that matters, but from what I remember maybe a DUI, careless and reckless, a couple for speeding, and a bunch of parking tickets.”

  I knew I was pushing it but I asked anyway, “And you didn’t know—nobody told you about all of this before today?”

  “That’s right!” He hopped up and I realized I was going to have to go couch shopping. “Now you get it, Bro. How can I be guilty of all this stuff if I didn’t know about it? That’s a good defense, I’m sure my parents’ attorney can do something with that. I mean, I’m going to sue FedEx anyway. By the time I’m done I’m sure they’ll owe for all those other tickets, too. I mean, if their driver had been paying more attention none of this would have happened today, and I’d still have my license.”

  Owen looked a little skeptical. “I think, Patrick—don’t get me wrong, but you might have a hard time arguing that. I mean, how can somebody get a DUI and not know it?”

  “That’s what I’m saying! They didn’t even charge me at the scene, they charged me in the hospital! That’s got to be unconstitutional!” He stomped out of the room and I grabbed the bong off the floor so it didn’t tip over from all the shaking.

  I felt restless. “Anybody want to go out to the pool?”

  “Listen to the wind, Foster.” Dave said, “The temp’s dropped like fifteen degrees in the last two hours. I think our run of good weather’s over.

  I followed Rob and Spence down to the gym and we lifted for a little while and then Spence pointed at the sauna. We dropped our clothes by the door and wandered in, I had flashbacks of Paul from yesterday and kept my towel wrapped around my waist. I told Rob, “It’s not like I haven’t enjoyed sharin’ my bed, my room, my every wakin’ moment with you, Rob, but maybe it’s time for you to get a hotel room.”

  He wiped some sweat off his brow and nodded. “I was going to tell you, anyway, I guess now’s as good a time as any. I got a text from my boss, he wants me back in the office Tuesday. I’m going to head out Sunday and spend some
time with my wife.” He wrapped his towel back around his waist. “My right hand hasn’t been this sore since high school. Your father’s company has some security guys that are going to check in with you, but I think by mid-week you’ll be okay. Your kidnapping and violent-crime victim scores have fallen back into the acceptable risk category.”

  I felt the sweat rolling down my back. “Well, that’s...comforting?...I guess.”

  Spence looked excited, “What about me, Rob? Do I have a score? How important am I?”

  Rob shrugged. “Anybody with a family like yours has a score, but I’m not sure where you are on the scale. I’ll look it up and text you.”

  Spence went back to his room after we showered, and Rob and I went back to my room to get dressed. I had him throw a sweatshirt to wear over his Size Matters tee and I gave him a pair of jeans I had thawed out. We walked back downstairs and he followed me out to the front porch. We joined a group of brothers on the steps and I watched flat gray clouds beginning to cover the sky. I looked up and down the street and things seemed okay—there was a little traffic heading into campus but most of it was leaving, there were guys at other houses tossing footballs or piling into cars, and there were groups of girls walking down the sidewalk and texting as they semi-tripped along.

  Rob watched the girls go by and said, “I’m not sure any assignment I have going forward is going to be like this one. The frat house, the bars, the private jet, even Dawn and Cindy, and definitely Brittany—it’s going to be tough to walk away from all of this. But I guess it all gets old pretty quick.”

  “No, it doesn’t get old, at least not for me. But sometimes it feels like the last day of a really great vacation, you have that sadness around the edges that reminds you nothing lasts forever. And I’m gonna feel a little sad when you leave. I mean, all these guys here are my brothers, but it won’t be the same without you around here.”

  He smiled. “Yeah, you’re kind of like the little, wealthy, semi-spoiled, underwear-model brother I never had. Oh well, we still have the party tomorrow night! Maybe something out of control will happen at that!” He sighed and pointed across the street. “See that car over there?” I looked and there was an old battered sedan sitting at the curb with the engine idling. “The guy behind the wheel is taking pics or video of us, of you. I guess we should head back inside.”